Why i want to beat OCD

i'm so sick of how ocd controls my life. when i look in the mirror, i hardly even see myself anymore. i see a product of everything my thoughts have turned me into. i try so hard to stay afloat, but the harder i fight the more i sink. i'm so tired. i miss myself and i don't even know who she was. to miss someone else is easy, you know you could see them again. when you miss yourself it's as if you are permanently blind, and trying to find yourself amidst every obstacle you could think of. every single thing i find a monster to be, i feel in myself every time i wake up. it is unbearable. if someone told me reaching in my chest and clawing my heart out might erase the thoughts, and take this unbearable weight out of my chest, i might. you have taken everything. and the worst part is, i doubt i even have you. i fear i am this. this monster. the person i'm terrified of becoming the most. i look in the mirror and i see you. i fight to see me, behind my eyes, every day. one day i will.

I want to beat OCD because it puts stress on my relationships, my health, my future. I thought it was under control but with constant stories of Covid coming back, infections from mosquitoes, flesh eating bacteria in the water I am becoming scared to leave my home. I want my normalcy back.

I would like to beat OCD because I was never diagnosed with OCD type disorders until I became a teenager. I can stay in a major state of depression for years and never get admitted because I used to say to myself, “ Fake it til you make it “. I also went down to 90lbs in college due to not eating and the the nurse practitioner on campus made me see a counselor all throughout college and a nutritionist. I learned to cut myself for the first time in middle school due to a stressful move from Southern NJ to NYC. I can’t believe it but I am still, “faking it til I make or escape it.”