Username: ysabelleveloz1

Date posted: 22w ago

First post & also DPDR

Hi everyone my name is ysabelle and I am 16 years old. I would like to share my on going battle with OCD, DPDR, depression and anxiety. About a few months ago I had a intrusive thought that sounded similar like “what if I kill myself, would I be normal again?” (Going off of my DPDR) for those who don’t know what DPDR is, it is basically feeling fake, Truman show, out of body. There is depersonalization which I have 24/7 with episodes of derealization. I’ve had this for 3 years and on going. I immediately went into fight or flight mode and started having a panic attack. I couldn’t be around knifes because a thought would pop up into my head like “what if you cut yourself”. I was so terrified of these thoughts. I was thinking am i suicidal?? Am I depressed?? Eventually I stopped eating, talking, taking care of myself, long story short I fell into depression. Now today as I am writing this my depression has sadly worsened and now I have no hope to get better. I developed existential thoughts so with that being said I have both DPDR & existential thoughts so sadly I question myself if I know my mother, grandmother, brothers, family members and myself. My mom used to be my comfort person with anxiety attacks, panic attacks anything I would feel safe in her arms. Now I feel debilitated and alone because my fear of “forgetting” or getting dementia latched onto my DPDR. I still have suicidal intrusive thoughts but when they pop up into my head I just feel more defeated and depressed. I’m writing this to find someone who’s going through the same thing as me hoping to find some type of comfort & relief. I used to be terrified of these thoughts but I’m not anymore and this makes me think am I getting to that point? Thank you for reading if you’ve made it to the end. Thank you.

Username: Endlessly PonderingEndlessly Po...

Date posted: 22w ago

Dealing with the same sucidal ocd, you are not alone. It’s horrible, but at the end of the day I don’t want to die

Username: ysabelleveloz1ysabelleveloz1

Date posted: 22w ago

@Anonymous Exactly!! I was going crazy trying to figure out what this was I was terrified one night I cried so bad my pupils were dilated. Now that I have depression it does make me question if I’m getting to that “suicidal” point because I’m not so afraid of these thoughts but I have hope I will get better.

Username: Endlessly PonderingEndlessly Po...

Date posted: 22w ago

@ysabelleveloz1 I feel like the thoughts are what’s causing the depression, makes me so sad to have those thoughts.

Username: ysabelleveloz1ysabelleveloz1

Date posted: 22w ago

@Anonymous Thats how i fell into depression. The only way I basically got over it and it no longer scares me is doing ERP therapy at home. I was grabbing blades and putting them up to my arm and then I was no longer scared of it. You got this!

Username: Endlessly PonderingEndlessly Po...

Date posted: 22w ago

@ysabelleveloz1 Nice! What else did you do for erp?

Username: ysabelleveloz1ysabelleveloz1

Date posted: 22w ago

@Anonymous Well I would also be terrified of watching videos on TikTok of people committing suicide. I would avoid it and I would make myself watch it until I was no longer afraid. I also would let the thoughts of suicide happen I would go along with it, I would be like yep I’m gonna do that later and then it goes away. It is scary at first but once you introduce yourself to these things they become very different from being terrified vs being okay

Username: Endlessly PonderingEndlessly Po...

Date posted: 22w ago

@ysabelleveloz1 Thank you so much for sharing, I will give these a try.

Username: mbfaraoni25mbfaraoni25

Date posted: 22w ago

as someone who also suffers with dpdr, i promise you dpdr will not cause dementia! dpdr is just a natural response to extreme anxiety and we get these intrusive thoughts as a way for our brains to figure out why we feel so dissociated. so we’ll come to crazy conclusions such as “im dead” “i’m dreaming” “this is the truman show” stuff like that. obviously you know these thoughts aren’t true but the anxiety is there which it makes them feel super real. the fact that you’re not afraid of these thoughts is a GOOD thing! you might be experiencing the back door spike which is super common in ocd recovery. there is hope! and you will recover! i thought the same as you but i recovered nonetheless

Username: ysabelleveloz1ysabelleveloz1

Date posted: 22w ago

@mbfaraoni25 This gives me hope 🥹 thank you so much. I was so hopeless. How did you recover? If you don’t mind me asking

Username: mbfaraoni25mbfaraoni25

Date posted: 22w ago

@ysabelleveloz1 of course love!! so basically in order to recover you have to treat the anxiety causing it. for me, every time i had a thought or felt dissociated i would immediately distract my mind and do something that completely engages me. after you keep doing this your brain will see that there’s absolutely nothing to be afraid of. even though nothing FEELS right just keep living life as though everything IS right and those thoughts and feelings will eventually dissipate. don’t give these thoughts the power they don’t deserve

Username: ysabelleveloz1ysabelleveloz1

Date posted: 22w ago

@mbfaraoni25 Honestly the dpdr never bothered me until I had a “suicidal” intrusive thought and it just came crumbling down. I just feel like I’m never going to recover through anything. I did look into therapy for both ocd and dpdr. Thank you for responding!!

Username: mbfaraoni25mbfaraoni25

Date posted: 22w ago

@ysabelleveloz1 i totally get that! i started getting harm intrusive thoughts and it just felt like an extra weight and it was truly the worst. but i had to accept that even the super scary thoughts like that also don’t matter.

Username: raynah0920raynah0920

Date posted: 22w ago

I’m just learning about subtles of OCD but when I read all of them I feel like I have symptoms of all does that make me just paranoid or paranoid that I can’t be fixed? Some days I can’t get out of bed feel like people are watching or getting into my apartment my brain will actually make the exact noises of a break in even if it’s the quietest and I won’t be able to sleep and for not sleeping for days on end you get tired I’m not proud of my triggers and how I deal with them but I get suicidal ocd I believe everything my brain is saying about me so I choice how I wanted to die and it was peaceful just sleep I have attempted Suicide a few times and my Guardian angels, or luck I survived them all I say I have 9 lives but my will to survive is the strongest even with only one string attaching me to life. The more my ocd gets the more subtles pop up I even think it’s multiple personalities disorder I named them I can see what they look like how old voices feelings they get or don’t get what they help me with or make things worse. I’m sorry if I’m typing like a crazy person but I just want to get help understand what’s going on why I have these OCDs deal with the traumas that triggers them so I can have a healthy relationship and stop doubting myself that I’m not worth or normal enough for someone I self sabotage relationships word vomit every life struggle so that they know everything about me so I can make a decision and so I can make decision as well because I fall in love and it’s deep love almost codependency or actually it has gotten to that point even needing to now where they are at all time and who they are talking or texting all day even if it’s work clients self doubt and not loving myself get in the way. When I get severe ocd I diet or stop eating or eat to much obsession over what I look like all I see is what my step dad told me when I was pregnant a beached whale and that got to me badly. Now I’m word vomiting to everyone i will have to count even numbers do math problems count or read every sign while driving or just say all the words that come to my head which can get me into trouble because I can’t stop it it’s when I say the hard truths and can’t lie but then some days I can lie extremely well I even convince myself and that’s bad because I then put those fake but not my mind fake memories words voices noises tastes land marks I can remember someone just by there nose shape if the picture is cut off or by just there voice if I can’t see or how heave someone is when I can’t hear but by vibrations or wall paper process I can tell you what hotel or house or apartment restaurant anywhere I have gone in my almost 35 years. Extreme memory knowledge is good sometimes but a burden when I obsess over something. I can even start sounding like that person learn there walking style I can understand language a bit can’t speak them.my curiosity of wanting to learn over powers my brain to the point of pseudo seizures confusion, memory loss, loss of consciousness, mutism I can’t be a extreme good artist one day then the next draw like a 4 year old I was always good at art painting drawing using different mediums mutyple ones together I can do creative writing it my ocd of perfection and not knowing spelling grammar or punctuation or understanding what I’m reading or writing stunts Holtz decriminalizes me from doing the things that I know I’m really good at if I didn’t have disabilities. I can hear pristine some days and some days I can’t hear nothing some days. My eyesight is amazing and some days I can’t see other than black. I have so many symptoms and people reading this might think I’m just writing everything up but I use to lie so people don’t know who I am so I seem not crazy or different stupid but I’m stopping that today. I want to love myself manage my intrusive feelings thoughts emotions and senses and be ok with me being me and if I can’t find someone that wants or wants to understand me or does understand me which I would probably sleep for days of pure relaxation which I do at times when I have a break thru of understanding my feelings why I’m having them and how to tell myself if thy are real or not it can be why I didn’t like my cereal today when I loved it all my life but next day love it again lol or to my PTSD from demestic violence it can just be a color a object a voice hair color name movies smells or just if I have the exact same feeling even if it’s pure happiness it triggers something that happen before or after or if i doubt if im faking the feeling because i feel like sometimes i never new how to feel or extremes certain emotions situations people timing or I can read or watch a documentary and feel every feeling they felt to the point of they were in pain I felt it. Bye for now this helped me just relax enough for Maybe to close my eyes I haven’t slept in two days too many things going on my mind

Username: ysabelleveloz1ysabelleveloz1

Date posted: 22w ago

@raynah0920 Hi! Firstly I want to say I’m glad you are here after so many attempts. That type of fear of watching you or breaking in sounds like intrusive thoughts ocd. There is different types but the way you are terrified is the same way you manifest the noises you hear. When I was scared of committing suicide I couldn’t watch any type of videos of people dying from it because I felt like it was a “ sign “. A intrusive thought would come into my head like what if that is gonna be you? And it would send me into a big spiral trying to find the reasoning of why I’m thinking this way. ERP therapy at home helped me overcome these thoughts I am not scared of them anymore but since I’m depressed my ocd makes me think because I’m not scared of them that they’re coming true. You need to bring yourself towards the things that scare you.

Username: 12345678910

Date posted: 1y ago

depersonalization and fear of going crazy

hi! I really need someone to help out right now. I would appreciate it so much. Thanks:) I know this is kind of long, but please help me out and read it. please help confirm for me that the symptoms im experiencing are just extreme existential OCD, depersonalization, and anxiety. it would make me feel a lot better. 7-8 months ago a traumatic event led me to experience severe depersonalization. ive had OCD for as long as i can remember basically, but it’s become a lot worse from this. i am a very big overthinker, so i tend to over analyze a lot of the things going on around me, my perception of everything, my thoughts, etc. it’s gotten so bad because of the depersonalization that i at times really can’t function anymore. one day, all i’ll be able to think about is the irrational fear that i somehow am going to die and there’s something terribly wrong with my brain, like cancer or something. then the next, i’ll be freaking out, worrying that im gonna go crazy. like this is some kind of early onset schizophrenia. i start doing research and i start obsessing over each and every thought i have, everything i see, etc. then i’ll be paranoid about my family, worrying that none of them are real and they’re imposters or something. i know it’s irrational. i recognize that and don’t genuinely believe it. but the fact that this thought worries me concerns me even more because it leads me to believe im going crazy. i am having existential crises regularly. like, all the time. it’s actually ridiculous. i’ll be reading a book and i start contemplating the English language and how it came to be, and then language altogether, and then how humans were able to create and understand language, and then how they were able to sound it out, how sound exists altogether, and so on. lol. like what the hell? a few days ago i was looking out of my bedroom window, and all the sudden had the intrusive thought come into my head, “what if this is just a simulation and what you see outside of your window is merely a two dimensional image?” and then i almost had a full on panic attack. anyways, those are some examples. i’m so worried. i feel like i have no control over what freaks me out anymore. i feel like i have no control of my brain altogether. i don’t want to go crazy. i don’t want to feel like im stuck in a dream anymore. im so scared. somebody please help me. i live my life in fear, worrying about everything i perceive. im exhausted. i can’t tell anyone because i don’t want them to worry, or think that im going crazy. that’ll only reinforce my fears.

Username: markthesecond

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

I hate this so much

Hii, this is my first time posting on here. I’ve been dealing with OCD since I was at least 14, and I didn’t get diagnosed til a few weeks ago, I’m 25 now. I’ve had all types of obsessions. My first big was of getting tapeworms, I became a vegetarian yo avoid em(I’m still one but I don’t fear tapeworms anymore). I thought I had schizophrenia shortly after that, that’s one that comes back here and there. I feared the end of the world, I had a big religious obsession, that lead me to being agnostic And right now I’m dealing with what I think is somatic or existential ocd. This started in early 2021, one night I was in bed watching a movie and I became very aware of myself. I looked up derealization, cause what I thought it was, and I spent the next couple months checking myself and my surroundings to see if that’s what I was experiencing. It was a very miserable time for me, but luckily it ended, I don’t remember exactly when. I was fine for most of last year, but then a toward the end of year I went driving at night with my mom and sister. I saw a tweet online about how some ppl disassociate while driving and I got scared that would happen to me. It was dark and there were lots of cars and lights, I couldn’t shake the thought. Now I’m here, still not to able to. The few times I’m able to I feel fine. But as I realize I haven’t been thinking about it it comes back. I got on lexapro shortly after cause I figured it might help but I can’t tell if it is. My anxiety is reduced but yeah. I’m so scared I won’t feel like I did before. Like I know I’m not losing my mind but it’s hard not to feel like I am sometimes. I hope someone can relate to this.

Username: enoughocd

Date posted: 1y ago

Existential ocd/depersonalisation

If anyone on this forum is experiencing what I’m experiencing please share your thoughts & experiences with me 🙏. I believe that I have gone insane with the awaful existential thoughts I’m having… I feel like I’m constantly looking for myself , questioning where I am , am I real? Is the world real? Am in a purgatory? What is I’m dead and I don’t know? I’ve become so unsure of myself and of everything around me , I’m constantly doubting reality , I feel so disconnected and feel as though my brain is falling a part and only little parts of it are functioning … I feel trapped inside my own head it’s like own head it’s like I want to escape out my head but I can’t and that triggers severe anxiety. What if I have already hurt someone & I wasn’t aware ?I have forgotten what it’s like to think and live like a normal person ! In fact my brain is now wired to think and live with my awful thoughts 🥲. I can’t cry or react to any happiness or sadness , I often worry that if something happens to someone I love , I won’t be able to show emotion … taking Lexapro but it’s not helping it helps with the depression but not with the intrusive or anxious thoughts. Another reason why I think I’m going mad is for example I’ll be driving on the highway then a truck drives past me, immediately I picture that I had a car accident and I’m not sure if I’m dead or a live because I’m so depersonalised that I don’t know if I’m still here . The hatred at part is trying to explain to a therapist what and how I’m feeling hence I’m reaching out to anyone on this forum who can relate and share their thoughts with me please 🙏

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