- Username
- ysabelleveloz1
- Date posted
- 17w ago
Struggling with OCD, DPDR, depression, and seeking comfort from others.
First post & also DPDR
Hi everyone my name is ysabelle and I am 16 years old. I would like to share my on going battle with OCD, DPDR, depression and anxiety. About a few months ago I had a intrusive thought that sounded similar like “what if I kill myself, would I be normal again?” (Going off of my DPDR) for those who don’t know what DPDR is, it is basically feeling fake, Truman show, out of body. There is depersonalization which I have 24/7 with episodes of derealization. I’ve had this for 3 years and on going. I immediately went into fight or flight mode and started having a panic attack. I couldn’t be around knifes because a thought would pop up into my head like “what if you cut yourself”. I was so terrified of these thoughts. I was thinking am i suicidal?? Am I depressed?? Eventually I stopped eating, talking, taking care of myself, long story short I fell into depression. Now today as I am writing this my depression has sadly worsened and now I have no hope to get better. I developed existential thoughts so with that being said I have both DPDR & existential thoughts so sadly I question myself if I know my mother, grandmother, brothers, family members and myself. My mom used to be my comfort person with anxiety attacks, panic attacks anything I would feel safe in her arms. Now I feel debilitated and alone because my fear of “forgetting” or getting dementia latched onto my DPDR. I still have suicidal intrusive thoughts but when they pop up into my head I just feel more defeated and depressed. I’m writing this to find someone who’s going through the same thing as me hoping to find some type of comfort & relief. I used to be terrified of these thoughts but I’m not anymore and this makes me think am I getting to that point? Thank you for reading if you’ve made it to the end. Thank you.