I'm really scared now

Serious trigger warning here for POCD and suicide. I have these thoughts, urges, and feelings that are terrifying. I don’t act on them and I believe I would never act on them but it feels so real and horrible. I don’t know how this started and I want to believe I am a good person but I’m just so scared that I’m going to do something terrible. And even just these thoughts scare me to my core and make me think, “oh what if I am a pedophile” even though I know I’m not, and I don’t know how to deal with them. When I can keep myself busy it gets easier to forget this stuff, but if I have downtime I can’t get it out of my head. I had a young girl, most likely middle school age, come into my work with her parents today and I was terrified of the idea that I could be attracted to her. I don’t believe I truly am but my thoughts get so aggressive that I don’t even know what to believe. I avoid a lot of things but sometimes you don’t have the option to avoid and it just gets things further stuck in my head and I end up fixating on awful things. I wake up with this stuff floating around my mind and I can’t get it to go away. I’ve even considered just ending it to all to make it easier on myself and to make sure that I never have the opportunity to act on these horrible thoughts and feelings. I don’t ever want to do these things and I know it may sound ridiculous, but the consequences of these actions I haven’t committed scare me as well such as people no longer trusting or loving me, prison, hurting someone else in any way, not being a good person, etc. I just can’t find anything that helps fix this. I have broken down many times due to this issue and I feel like it’ll never go away. I know killing my sled is not the answer and I know I will never act on any of this but the thoughts and feelings are so aggressive that I live in an almost constant state of fear of my own mind and body. I hate this. What did I do to deserve to suffer this way? Why me? Why can’t I just be a normal person with normal human thoughts and why of all forms of OCD did it’s have to be this one? I don’t know what to do. Someone please help me fix this before I lose hope.

Im so drained , I haven’t been diagnosed I’m too scared to go to a doctor and I did tell my mum I think I had ocd and she laughed at me with disbelief because Im not a clean freak . My last option is suicide if I’m being honest I’m only 17 and I’m already having these uncomfortable thoughts that make me cry for hours . I can’t go on social media I can’t speak to my family I can’t be around kids , animals without having a fear of getting turned on or feeling stuff or thinking stuff . The thoughts get so believable idk if there real or fake . It makes me extremely uncomfortable “what if I like this feeling “ I have to constantly check myself my body if a video comes up of a kid . What happens if I don’t even have ocd and I’m just a pedo . I’ve been through a lot of stuff but this has been the most draining , depressing period of my life . I can’t eat , I’m starting to think I’m depressed again . I can’t sleep , I don’t know myself anymore . I’m scared of myself , my future , what happens if Im becoming one , since I’m so young . I don’t want to be here anymore I don’t deserve it . I don’t deserve to have friends I don’t deserve anything but to rot in my room . I don’t believe I can get help I don’t believe I can get better . I just want to be normal I’m so jealous of people that just think normally .

It’s probably desensitization but I’m scared I’m getting worse and worse. My morals feel like they’ve been hijacked and I’m scared I’m turning into a bad person. Nothing really disgusts me enough anymore. I’m so tired. When all of this started, I was still able to do things normally even if it felt like I had a weight on my head but it got better. Until I had an intrusive thought about looking for CSEM which has just gotten worse because it’s like it’s turned into an urge. I’m worried at some point (sooner or later), I’m gonna end up doing it. Or I have the scary thought of what if I want to and I’ll regret NOT ever seeing it which is also gross. And I’ve heard about people running into it on social media somehow which then triggers this screwed up sense of morbid curiosity about how that would even end up on social media without being flagged/removed and the thought of “what if you went looking for it there” - I just want it to stop!!! I feel like I can’t even live life now because the thought/urge is there every single day and I can’t escape. Nothing brings me joy - I’m empty all of the time. I can’t make myself play a game or watch a show because I can’t focus and I feel almost nothing towards them. And even if I did feel happy, it wouldn’t last long before being ripped away again. I’m worried I have some sort of addiction to be having this thought every day of “look for it, do it, you have to know” - but I shouldn’t? I’ve cut back immensely on a lot of NSFW stuff and what little I do see (like in books) doesn’t seem to trigger me. This thought actually started happening after multiple accounts of hearing people being prosecuted for having that sort of material (people talk about exes or husbands of friends and whatnot having done that and you also hear about famous people sometimes - it’s everywhere and I’m so sick of hearing about it all of the time because I’m worried I’m gonna end up BEING one of those people). It will not go away even if I stop paying it any mind and I’m frightened all the time now. I feel disgusting and I’m afraid I’m a horrible person. I feel cursed and I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be disgusted and opposed again and it just isn’t happening! 😞 even now I feel like an imposter posting here because it doesn’t seem like OCD anymore, I’m just gross and out of control like some freak. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut my life short to avoid it happening (but I’m also too scared to do that and I WANT to live but it just feels like I won’t be able to “help myself” which is no excuse but that’s how it feels). I’m not gonna do it at the moment (like I said, I’m too scared) but it feels like I deserve it and it’s the only outcome for me. It feels like too much to do anything because what if I snap?? What if I get too curious?? I’m just so done with all of this - I feel like I’m gonna explode. And no amount of people saying “I don’t think you’ll do it” would make me feel better. I just don’t know what to do - I can’t get therapy, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so alone and it feels like mental torture