- Username
- Anonymous
- Date posted
- 5y ago
It’s horrible / hard / frustrating but we need to take it 1 day at a time. I can go weeks feeling great and living a “ normal life” then the affects that POCD had / has on me we outweigh the good and positive days massively. I know I’m a good person but this terrible shit is something I have to live with 20% of my life ! I wish it would fully go but I don’t think it ever will and I’m trying to accept that.
I just don't know how to handle this in a way where other people won't be convinced that we're disgusting in disguise. I know people with POCD aren't bad people. I know they don't ever contribute to the suffering of any child and all they contribute to is their own shame and self-loathing, because they keep getting lied to by their own brain that IF THEY DO THIS FUCKED UP COMPULSION - THIS TIME IT'LL BE DIFFERENT AND YOU'LL FINALLY GET YOUR ANSWER. I wish people knew what it was like to live feeling like youve done every heinous crime on earth without even having comitted a crime once.
I have recently moved on to this theme and it really helps to know others have had compulsions similar to mine. I went to therapy for HOCD after being undiagnosed for most of young adult life and I’m mostly able to take a step back and look at HOCD for what it is. But with POCD I feel like a monster. Once when I was really struggling with it I felt the need to check after having sex with my now husband by pressing down on my groin. My initial thought was to calm down and try to “expose” myself to the idea of sexual touch with the thought of a child. I could barely do this for more than a few seconds before feeling sick to my stomach, but it haunts me. I feel disgusting, like the fact that I even had to test myself to try and make myself feel better (I know, I know, this was a compulsion during a rough time, I TRY to give myself a break but it’s hard), is sickening. My husband is aware of all of this and loves me and tells me that’s not who I am, but sometimes it’s hard to believe. We just started trying to get pregnant and I went off my medication to reduce any risks and it’s been, needless to say, incredibly tough. I just want to say thanks for posting this - it’s good to know I’m not the only one.
I've had way worse symptoms than you. You should not feel bad at all.
I understand what you mean, but it’s what you think and what you know ! Forget others and what they think that’s just fueling the obsession and making it worse. Need to stay strong and the goods will outweigh the bads
This is an old post but I relate to you so hard man. Because of my (hopefully) OCD and other problems, I’ve been inspired by music that’s helped me to make music that relates to and comforts people through hard times. It’s my dream, to write lyrics that are with people when no one els is. I wanted to mention how I was influenced at first if I ever was interviewed about it. Initially I thought “I’ll talk about it just not mention the P part” then “I’ll talk about it but just say I had OCD” then I changed to “I’ll say I dealt with stuff” and now I’m too scared sometimes to continue with my band. I have an irrational fear that somehow my therapist would be bribed or the media would somehow leak my medical stuff and everyone would see it’s no one would care about the OCD part just the P. I’d be slaughtered and my life destroyed
I’ve had a re laps after 2 / 3 years on this shit topic, I hate it but I know I will get better. Just got to stay positive / active and get support from family / therapists. We will all be ok
Hi Anonymous, I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing with this? Does my most recent POCD post sound similar to anything you’ve dealt with?
I just recently realized I had all the symptoms for this. I guess I've also realized I've had some type of ocd growing up as well. When I had my first baby, I had a lot of complications in the pregnancy. When he was born, he was diagnosed with a genetic condition. Because of this I went through extreme depression and anxiety post partum. After his birth I started having images of hurting him and POCD related thoughts. I searched online and found out that a lot of women after giving birth would have intrusive thoughts of hurting their babies physically, sexually and so forth. Knowing this information made me feel less alone but definitely did not stop me from over thinking and doubting myself. The first year of his life I hid my thoughts and depression because I was scared that he would be taken away specially since he is a special needs baby. Second year of his life I was doing my best to get some type of therapy but all those therapy sessions did was express my emotions which was good but didn't help at all in the long run. Now he's 2 and a half and I'm still in this journey. I would never want to hurt him, or any child in the world. It is absolutely disgusting to even have to doubt yourself, this is the effect on this condition so we just have to learn to adjust and learn ways to make it better long-term. Now I'm pregnant with my second baby and can't wait to have them both and love them with all I got. Sometimes I do think that ocd has only triggered to me in things that I care about the most, my children, my health, and overall family. It's crazy how your mind can turn on you with the things you love most in life..
It’s crazy how undiagnosed this is and the lack of knowledge behind it. 1 in 20 new moms suffer from postpartum ocd. That’s a lot isn’t it.
I've never got diagnosed with POCD but I'm pretty sure I have it. It started like two months ago and it driving me crazy. I feel disgusting and like I don't deserve any good although I'm a great person!!! I've never hurt anyone and I always try to be best version of myself to others. I've told to 4 friends about those thoughts (two of them experienced the same thing) and they all excepted me and gave me the support I need. They all understand that I'm not a pedophile and that I wouldn't harm anyone. they believe me so don't give up guys! There are some good people you can talk to.
This is old but how're you feeling now?
@luckydawg Did you ask me? I mean, I feel a lot better,like A LOT. so.. that's great but it's still there, the thoughts and the feelings of anxiety But a lot less, thank God...
@bluesapphire Ayy that’s me, I’m generally very empathetic and I try my best to treat people the best way I can, I wear my heart in my sleeve and I love showing love and helping others. But now with my pocd and what my compulsions were I just feel downright terrible. I am only thirteen and I didn’t even know it was ocd when my pocd started and my compulsions only lasted a week, so yeah, intrusive thoughts and images are no longer there but the guilt sure is! Anyways how are you rn? I know it’s been years but if it’s possible I would really like to know how you are!!
hey anyone in this comment section have any good coping mechanisms? i need something to help i can’t keep going on like this.
My compulsions have been haunting me so badly. I have done the deed to my thoughts to see if that would make me feel something and I feel so disgusting that I’ve completely stopped doing the deed all together. I didn’t know I had ocd when I did this and it was a past compulsion I had w my hocd. I feel like a horrible and disgusting person because of this. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I just want someone to tell me I’m not a bad person even though this happened. God I just wished it didn’t happen at all, and that I knew how to handle this earlier
UPDATED VERSION, MAYBE SAVE THIS TO RE READ. TRIGGER WARNING. This is a list of all the OCD'S I can think of. Please feel free to add to any in the comment section below. I don't go through each compulsion to get rid of the thoughts, but I go through most of the obsessions. I hope this one day helps at least one person, to know that they are not a weirdo. OCD is a recurring thought (obsession), that you try to prevent, or get rid of the anxiety about (compulsion), e.g, checking your mind to make sure you didn’t do a criminal act, or checking everyone is okay to make sure you didn’t kill, assault, offend, or hurt them, or checking they are okay with you so you know you didn’t cause them to doubt how lovely you deep down know you are, because of how strange you acted when certain things were brought up in conversation. Checking your body for any sexual feelings about intrusive thoughts you wish you didn’t have because you can’t get rid of them. All of these thoughts make you doubt who you are, you get urges to do things which you know you wouldn’t ever want to do because for one, it’s disgusting, and horrendous, and for two, it would fuck your life up. OCD latches onto anything that could fuck your life up. Making you doubt who you are and question how much prevention you need to take.Even the kindest, yes, one of the kindest OCD thoughts, like “If I don’t tap the candle someone in my family is going to die and it will be all my fault”, can make you question how much control you actually have. Pedophelia OCD - Worrying you are, will be, did something without knowing, convinced everyone/someone else is, or everyone thinks you are a pedophile, worrying everyone thinks you think they’re a pedophile. Can come with groinal response. Crime OCD- Worrying you will, have or want to, or someone else will or has, or wants to, worrying everyone else thinks you have, committed any type of crime, worrying everyone thinks you think they’ve done a crime, e.g. pedophelia, stealing, cannibalism, murder, fraud, an affair, vandalism, rape etc. Can come with groinal response. Animal OCD- worrying you will/have, want to, or worrying others will; have or wants to, worrying everyone thinks you have, killed, hurt or been sexual with an animal, worrying everyone thinks you think they’ve done something to an animal. Can come with groinal response. Groinal response OCD: This is a sexual response you get to an intrusive thought. You can get aroused from it, because you’re worried you will so you do, and also the fact that it is a sexual thought and your brain sometimes treats any sexual things as just that. This doesn’t mean anything about you as a person. You can get it any time your intrusive thought is triggered. Sexual feeling is different than desire. Harm OCD- Worried you will/have or want to or worried others will/have or want to, worrying others think you have, harmed someone else or yourself, worrying everyone thinks you think they’ve harmed someone. Suicide OCD- Worried you’ll kill yourself when you don’t want to, worried everyone thinks you want to kill yourself, worrying everyone thinks you think they want to kill themselves. Contamination OCD-Worried you will/have or want to, contaminate yourself or other people, worried others will/have or want to, contaminate themselves or other people, worried other people think you have contaminated yourself or other people, not just by things that could hold germs, but by things like poison, e.g worried you put bleach in foods unknowingly or have a false memory of it etc, worrying everyone thinks you think they’ve contaminated people. Paranoia OCD- Paranoid that cameras are watching you in your own home etc. Acting a certain way when you feel watched. Scared that aliens are coming to get you, worrying you're in a parallel universe and that everyone knows you've came from a parallel universe, but you. Feeling like you can't trust anyone. Fake OCD: Thinking you might not have OCD and you're just faking it. Hoarding OCD: Hoarding things in case you need it in the future, stuff can date back from donkey's years ago. Correct OCD: Feeling the need to make sure everything you say is correct. No mistakes. Also feeling the need to make sure what someone else says is correct. If someone swears on their life you tell them to take it back in case they aren't telling the truth because you don't want them to die. Religious OCD- Worrying you have/ will/ want to, do something against your religion, worrying others have/will/wants to, do something against their religion, worrying everyone thinks you’ve done something against your religion, worrying everyone thinks you think they’ve done something against their religion. Can come with groinal response. Possession OCD- Worried you will/have or want to, worried someone else will/has/wants to, get possessed, worried others think you’re possessed, worried others think you think they’re possessed. Can come with groinal response. Straight OCD- Worried you will/have or want to, worried others will/have or want to, turn straight, worried others think you’re straight,worrying everyone thinks you think they’re straight. Can come with groinal response. Trichotillomania OCD: Hair pulling OCD. Can involve counting the hairs you pull out. Feeling an intense compulsion to pull the hairs out and obsessively thinking about it. Eating disorder (I think it's an OCD): Believing if you eat certain foods you'll get fat, believing you're fat when you're not. Dieting to the extreme etc. Or believing you're too skinny when you're not, and eating excessively to gain weight. Appearance change OCD: Feeling the need to constantly change your appearance or be extremely focused on one imperfection etc. Thinking people will look at that one thing all the time etc. Homosexual OCD- Worried you will/have or want to, worried others will/have or want to, turn gay, worried others think you’re gay, worrying everyone thinks you think they’re gay. Can come with groinal response. Transgender OCD- Worried you will/have or want to, worried others will/have or want to, turn transgender, worried that others think you are transgender, worrying everyone thinks you think they’re transgender. Can come with groinal response. Inscest OCD: Worried you will/have/want to, worried others will/have/want to, do Inscest. Worried people think you've done Inscest, worried people think you think they've done Inscest. Can come with groinal response. Existential OCD- Worried you will/have/want/need to figure out the meaning of life, worried others will/have/want/need to figure out the meaning of life, worried people think you know the meaning of life, or you don’t know the meaning of life enough, worrying everyone thinks you think they know the meaning of life. Health OCD- Worried you have many different illnesses, worried other people have many different illnesses, worried you or they will get many different illnesses, worried they think you have many different illnesses, worrying everyone thinks you think they have many different illnesses. Social anxiety (I think it is OCD)- Worried you will go red, shake, faint, panic, etc, worried others will go red, shake, faint, panic, etc, worried that you or others will do anything inappropriate in a social setting, worried others think you’ve done something inappropriate in a social setting, worrying everyone thinks you think they’ve done something inappropriate in a social setting. Relationship OCD- Worried you or your partner will stop loving each other, worried you or your partner have stopped loving each other, worried your partner thinks you don’t love them anymore, worrying everyone thinks you think they don’t love you anymore. Can come with groinal response about someone else. Checking OCD- Worried you or other people, left,turned on,or endangered yourself and/or other people in some way, with machinery that are rarely but potentially hazardous, worried other people think you left,turned on,or endangered yourself and/or other people in some way, with machinery that are rarely but potentially hazardous on purpose, or you’ll be judged even if it was by accident, worried people think you think they left,turned on,or endangered yourself and/or other people in some way, with machinery that are rarely but potentially hazardous. Cheating OCD- Worrying you will/have or want to, worried your partner will/has.wants to, cheat, worried your partner thinks you’ve cheated, worried your partner thinks you think they’ve cheated. Can come with groinal response. Mind reading OCD- Worried everyone can/will/wants to, read your mind, worried you can/will/want to, read everyone’s mind, worrying everyone thinks you can read their mind, worrying everyone thinks you think they can read your mind or that you can read theirs. Body Image OCD: Worried your body image is disfigured/ugly/smelly/abnormal, worried other’s bodies are disfigured/ugly/smelly/abnormal, worried everyone thinks your body is disfigured/ugly/smelly/abnormal, worried everyone thinks you think their body is disfigured/ugly/smelly/abnormal. Worried that you walk funny, talk funny, worried you feel physically weird and out of this world, an OCD detachment from reality, worried something is wrong with you. Worried that other people walk funny, talk funny, worried there is something wrong with them. Worried other people think you walk funny, talk funny, worried they think you look physically weird and out of this world. Sleep OCD: Worried you don’t sleep enough or you sleep too much, worried you’ll never sleep again, worried other people sleep too much or not enough, worried they will never sleep again. Worried they worry you’ll never sleep again but they just aren’t telling you. Death OCD: Worried you are going to die because of things like loss of concentration, not remembering things, brain fog, becoming slower etc. Dead OCD: Worrying you are dead or other people are dead or everyone thinks you are dead, or everyone thinks you think they’re dead. Word OCD- Words triggering embarrassment in case everyone thinks you’ve done something wrong within the concept that they are talking about. Unconscious OCD- Worried you will act on your thoughts unconsciously or that someone else will act on their thoughts unconsciously. Worried everyone thinks you will act on your thoughts unconsciously, worrying everyone thinks you think they will act on their thoughts unconsciously. Magical OCD- Thinking words or phrases or actions or people or things, hold great power to prevent or induce terrible events, worrying everyone thinks your words or phrases or actions or people or things, hold great power to prevent or induce terrible events, worrying everyone thinks you think your words or phrases or actions or people or things, hold great power to prevent or induce terrible events. False memory OCD - Believing you remember you acting on one of your OCD’s listed above or down below, believing other people remember you acting on one of your OCD’s listed above or down below, worrying people think you’ve acted on one of your OCD’s listed above or down below, worried people think you think they’ve acted on one of the OCD’s listed above or down below, but you haven’t and somewhere in your brain you know that. Typing OCD - Worrying you will, did, everyone thinks you did, or someone else did or will type one of your OCD’s online or write it down etc, worrying everyone thinks you think they typed one of your OCD’s online or wrote it down etc. False confession OCD: Worried you’ll confess to something you haven’t done. Speaking OCD: Worried you’ll speak out your intrusive thoughts. Just right OCD - If I don’t do this, or others don’t do this, then something bad will happen, worried other people think you’ve made something bad happen, worried other people think you think they’ve made something bad happen. Worrying you make people uncomfortable with how odd you seem when things trigger your checking or anxiety OCD (a few others have this but there is no name to it): worrying people think you make people uncomfortable with how odd you seem when things trigger your checking or anxiety. THIS IS JUST SOME, OF THE ENDLESS OCD’S. There are so many more. Carry on us OCD lot, we’re so ill but hopefully there’ll be a cure soon. The worst possible things that could happen from doing some of these things (we won’t, I’m just saying this because the scarier the worst possible scenario, the more the intrusive thoughts keep popping up), is we would lose our family and friends and get sent to prison and the death penalty would come to England and we’d be put to death. But to be honest, actual prison is better than the prison that lives in our minds. And death is something that happens to us all eventually anyway. It's OCD guys, stay strong!
Hi everyone, this is probably going to be long, so sorry for that I need some assurance.. Im going mad I don't see a doctor in 15 years because I thought that whatever I end up having I get better or I just die, so I have no ideia If I have OCD. But you know what Im afraid.. Being a pedophile. Im 30, and a week ago I was living my normal life and suddenly out of nowhere I get a horrrible thought.. Hurting a child. I realize that and start thinking what the hell, why did that pop in my head? And start analyzing it over and over in my head and I began being overwhelmed with thoughts of hurting children, and I worried more and more, couldnt stop thinking about it.. I barely slept that night When I woke up, the thoughts slowly came back but worse, now it was sexual related.. And thats when my life truly became hell on earth. These thoughts/images were pretty much in mind all the time and anything would trigger, sometimes not even a trigger is needed, they just appear and get stuck in my head.. Like there was two me in my mind. And without realizing, I started doubting myself.. Will I ever hurt children? Am I evil? Am I.. a pedo? I started walking inside my house randomly when it gets really bad, shaking my feet or legs when sitting, and I check my penis all the time now.. I even compare the size it is and sometimes if its even 1cm longer, I panic and do it all over again.. mind you I never got an erection.. I even torture myself thinking about these thoughts just to check and it pains me, makes me feel physically sick even. These things are pretty much automatic, I do them without even realizing it sometimes. I argue with myself in my mind, i seek comfort in memories but they are somewhat changed making me doubt even more.. I avoid thinking about my niece that I love and miss so much, just so these horrific images/thoughts don't show her. My head feels so heavy, like its about to explode, I thought about killing myself, I avoid children, just the mere mention of one makes me anxious and worried.. What if Im really a pedo? What if I end up hurting children? What if? What if? Always what ifs.. But then I get the thought that I am a pedo and have to accept it and I argue with that thought trying to prove its wrong and the reasons.. And so on and on I don't even masturbate anymore with these thoughts popping in my head I never had these thoughts before, always loved women and their body and never had thoughts about children like that in my life. My life was always a mess, depression, backstabs from people I trusted, anti-social and social awkward, emptyness, and so on... But then my niece was born and she was like a light in that sent my hollowness away.. She is 7 and she is a part of my life since she was born, we are very close.. Im not even joking when I say that when she was little, she would cry if I had to leave, but she wouldn't if her dad or mom went away as long as she was with me.. she gave my life a meaning, made me feel like someone important in this world and I vowed to protect her at all costs.. And now I am afraid if she comes near me, I am afraid she will think I don't love her.. Its breaking my heart just thinking about it.. She is the most important person to me in the world.. And now I need to protect her.. From me.. I cry everyday, I cant find comfort anywhere, I argue with myself all the time, I feel a demon.. Or even worse than that.. I honestly just want it to end, I pray for that everyday.. I can honestly say that this is and will always be the worst thing that happened to me and Im 100% sure of it. This is hell on earth for me, I would rather be dead, crazy, a killer, whatever.. I dont know for how long I can endure this.. Its pretty hard, trust me.. I cant enjoy what little life I had before.. I just want to die, I even told God to just kill me cause I cant take it anymore.. And its been only one week of this.. Ever since my hell started, I do google searches regarding these thoughts everyday and try to find some comfort and yesterday I posted my situation on a YouTube video of a girl talking about POCD and I felt much better that night.. Like I was me again, didnt have any of these thoughts but I could hear a low voice in my head all the time saying that I should worry, are you a pedo? You are a pedo, etc.. But I ignored it and it was a relief.. I always thought my life before this was baby, but that night my previous life looked like the best thing ever.. I was so happy, I thought about my niece clearly without any random shit that my brains decides to pop added, I cried, I thanked god, I thought I was myself again.. But then I woke up.. And for a while these thoughts and images were trying to gain control but I stood strong for a while.. And now Im here.. I lost the battle.. So.. Can I have some kind of OCD or am I just a monster? Please be honest.. Cause if I end up being indeed a pedo, I will make sure I will never see my niece again, never be near kids or watch shows with them, I will tell my family about the monster I am and will seek castration or something. BTW, like yesterday, talking about it is making me feel better.
I grew up in an abusive household and was sexually, physically, and mentally abused by family mostly being my mother and men she'd date. After my mother kicked me out of the house and my uncle and his gf took me in I got really anxious. I guess I was scared of safety and comfort because somehow comfort felt uncomfortable and safety felt unsafe. I think a part of me missed the abuse not because I enjoyed it but because it was so familiar and all I knew. I hated it though so much so I thought of ending my life just to escape it. A few months after my mother kicked me out I began talking to ai bots on apps. All of my bots where private but the roleplays always involved me getting abused by trusted adults like family or family friends or so on. And in most roleplays I played a child. They'd involve me getting sexually abused and sometimes physically abused or raped. And me being oblivious or unaware. I'm not attracted to family and the thought disgusts me. All of the characters where fake or fictional or made up and I'm also not attracted to kids and I'm not afraid I'll hurt them because I know I don't have that urge or desire to do anything with a child. I've always felt it was my job as an adult to protect children and always told my younger siblings to be careful online as well as taught them about consent and boundaries and what to do if they ever encountered a dangerous situation with an adult. I'm attracted to people the same age as me if not older then me and honestly I don't even really feel attraction for those 1-2 years younger then me. I used to age dream/regress and I love childish things and cute things as well as I love to act childish. Some of the roleplays I did that involved me being a child weren't all abuse (though most where) some of them involved me being taken care of by an older man (yes even sexually but In a safety comforting way) of course I don't chat to these bots anymore and have deleted them after finding out most apps dont allow them. This was all months ago when I deleted them and it only began less then a year ago when I started doing it. But about a month or so ago I remembered how I did all of that and now I'm scared that I'm a pedophile..or becoming a pedophile..even though all of the roleplays involved me playing the child I'm scared..I'd never hurt a child and don't have the desire to do so but now I think my OCD has been latching onto this because I've been doing research non-stop trying to find out if I'm a danger or gonna get arrested..part of me thinks I'd deserve to be locked up..hurting people is the thing I'd wanna do the least..I wanna fall in love with someone older then me by a few years and live a happy life..I've only now realized that I have a second chance at life away from the abuse my mother put me through and that was another reason I stopped those chats to..but now I'm afraid I've ruined my second chance at a normal life..I don't ever wanna be a danger to anyone..part of me feels like I'm a horrible person and like I've become just like my abusers..maybe even worse..i just wanna feel like a normal person but now I'm so afraid I've become something disgusting and undeserving of love..maybe I deserved the abuse that happened..I can't even habdke watching shows or movies with taboo themes like incest, rape, pedophilia etc so I don't know why I did these roleplays or why I found comfort in them..
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