rocd advice please

it feels like im drowning. i feel trapped. ***rocd vent*** my rocd has made things difficult in my relationship with my boyfriend, and i’m frightened that it’s the end i cant breathe without thinking it’s the end of him and me, i cant eat at all and i cant stop living with fear it’s been rocky lately with him, but i’m determined to keep going i want to because i truly cherish him, and love him yet my brain keeps asking me if i really do want to keep going, if i really do love him, and if i’m really okay with spending my days just dreading the end im obviously not, i want things to be okay again, but my ocd keeps haunting and haunting me and i’m so scared that these thoughts are my real ones, that these are my true feelings ive been open about my ocd with him, and this has contributed to the rocky patch it doesn’t help that i’m not formally diagnosed, and it also doesn’t help that i’ve been doubting whether or not i have ocd. (i have what i believe are a lot of the symptoms, but even then i doubt myself) i just feel like i’m drowning. i want peace in my head and in my heart. i want things to be back to normal with him and me, and i want to be happy. it just doesn’t feel the same, and i feel like it’s my fault for starting us on this rocky path. the last thing i want is a breakup, yet my thoughts tell me that i’d like freedom. they chant that i need to escape and run far far away. they make me feel like the only way out of the way i feel is by ending it, and i don’t want to end it. the only things moving me forward is the knowledge that i’ll get to speak to a professional soon (in two weeks), and the hope that things get better in time. thank you to whoever reads my rant, and i’m sorry if this is triggering. i just needed to write how i feel somewhere. reassurance has been driving me downhill, so please don’t reassure me. if possible, just give me advice on how to cope with feeling this way.

I had a really good day yesterday because I was able to manage my thoughts and identify them as intrusive. I had little to no anxiety and actually felt pretty stable throughout the day. Then, I went to sleep last night and had a triggering dream that I cheated on my girlfriend. I would never do that :( I hate these thoughts. If the thoughts involve my girlfriend, I feel like I have to tell her…..any advice on this? I ended up telling her and she said that I’m telling her to feel less guilty in the moment but at the expense of her feelings. This made me feel terrible 😞. The last thing I want to do is hurt her but I just feel like such a bad person having these thoughts. Please help if you have any advice 😕

Currently going through rocd AGAIN and I keep getting a thought on what if this isn’t rocd and I’m using ocd as an excuse. I hate this thought. I want to feel how I did a week ago. I hate battling this every other month. Any tips on really overcoming ocd because right when I think I do another theme comes along. I can’t live like this forever you guys u simply can’t.