- Username
- anonempath
- Date posted
- 5y ago
The same exact thing happens to me. I'm so scared that I'll feel nothing sexual when I'm with a future boyfriend/husband. I also came accross lesbian porn young and it's the root of my hocd, what is used most strongly against my identity. It's honestly terrifying, I get up thinking about this and go to sleep thinking about this.
me too, me too. like i literally wish my 12 year old self didn’t come across it. ugh.
like we are literally going through the exact same thing.
@empathmind Yes! At least we're not alone in this. I even think the age thing match, it was around 12 y.o that I started to watch this stuff.
“Also I feel like I can’t truly get off anything but lesbian porn” OMG I FEEL THIS SO SO SO SO MUCH I was sure I was only one. Like if I watch straight porn it dosent many times feel likes nothing because my head is sayin always you don like that and then I got turn of. I feel like I have to watch lesbian porn to get even something beacause watching lesbian porn makes me uncomfortable and then I got these groinal responses and then I maybe cum if I am fingering. But after that I cry. I cry hella lot not form happiness but sadness and anxiety. Like I wanna get turn on straight porn and by boys nothing more. I feel so sick because of this
I ream a article that talked about hocd and the root of it. They basically said that, mean get scared they are gosh because they think of penis and immediately associate as pleasure because of porn. And I think we can do the same but instead it’s about women. The porn industry is all about women, not so much the man. But I’m real life we had crushes and feelings for guys. So I’m going to stick with that. There’s something that says that women are just sexualiezed.
see that makes sense because you see women in sexual situations EVERYWHERE. women are constantly sexualized in the media so that’s what you get used to seeing.
@empathmind Yes exactly. But thennnnn my ocd goes “what I’d you’re just using this as an excuse to your attraction to women? Haha got you there”
@advice? god you can never win. like i’ve never had a crush on a girl in real life, it’s ALWAYS been boys. but for me personally, i find lesbian porn more appealing. so then my ocd brain takes that and COMPLETLEY messes me up.
@empathmind Neither have I, and I’m positive of it. Elementary I was all about boys. And crushing on them, never on girls. Middle school was the same, feelings for boys and not on girls. High school comes and I’m dealing with this when I have a boyfriend. Its really annoying.
And sometimes I just get this urge so strong to watch lesbian porn. It makes me feel completely awful and umcorfortable, but I can never fight it off. This is the worst mistake I've ever made, I absolutely hate this. I don't want to be with a woman, never did.
i feel ya. was it your preferred type of porn at the time and/or more recently? if you don’t mind me asking.
@empathmind Preferred type. I guess it was mixed with anxiety from the beginning, since I've never liked women. As I don't like watching porn at all, I never tried to encourage myself to watch other forms, having problems with one type is enough for me. But I do remember reading erotica with men.
I feel you. I was really curios and i found the lesbian sex really young age like really. I didnt now what it was mut i remember i got arousel it. I was wathing straight sex too and i am sure i get arousel then too BUT my hocd is making my memories really blurry
yesss, my mind is creating all these false memories. but i can’t tell the difference between the real and the fake sometimes. it’s so frusturating.
Same experience for me except with men. I’ve always had crushes on girls since I was very young. I’ve never once been romantically interested in a man, but when I was around 13 I found gay porn and it was shocking to me and that turned me on. So then I continued to use it to get aroused. To this day, I still am only interested in having relationships with women, but am very aroused by men. The dread that I won’t ever be able to keep a girlfriend or get married just adds to the “performance anxiety” and I can’t get aroused as well with girls. Absolutely miserable, I feel trapped.
Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman? I think you'll find that eventually you'll have no problem. I used to have a huge issue with sexual dysfunction because of my hocd anxiety, but as I got more comfortable with my boyfriend and having sex things went back to normal. I still have hocd 1000% but generally sex is fine except for difficulty once in a while due to intrusive thoughts. I wouldn't let it stop you from getting into a relationship. Even if you turn out to be only hetero-romantic there's way more to relationships than just sex.
@hateocd123 That’s encouraging to hear. I have been in relationships with women, but I’m celibate by choice, which doesn’t help the building sexual confidence part. But that’s not really negotiable for me at this point in my life. With those women, we have still been quite physical and I have been worried that I’m not “getting arouse enough” and that “they can tell I’m gay,” which has been difficult on the relationship from my perspective. I’ve told none of them about my HOCD, so I’ve suffered silently the whole time. Have you spoken with your partners about it?
@charles4545 I've only had one partner and he thinks I'm bisexual (it's a long story) I don't think I'm completely straight on the kinsey scale, but I'm not bisexual either my preference is exclusively men. He knows about my OCD and I'm planning on telling him my current theme. If it helps at all my boyfriend wasn't able to get it up the first time we had sex and I didn't think he was gay, I just knew that he was really anxious. You absolutely do not need to force yourself to have sex if you don't want to, but if you find yourself wanting to don't hold back because of that. If anyone judges you for that they're not worth it.
@hateocd123 Thanks, I really appreciate it! There are so many thoughts that seam real and relevant that are just classic ocd thoughts. It’s nice to hear another perspective to shine light on the irrationality. Just speaking with someone at all is extremely refreshing.
@charles4545 No problem! :)
Oh... you guys have some similarities with me. I used to watch straight porn until age 16 when my HOCD started. By then I would also get aroused at "well shaped male penises" in the movies, but I loved girls and never felt my sexuality threatened. After my HOCD started, my mind never allowed me to enjoy straight porn ever again. I started testing myself to transexual porn, because of my OCD getting stuck on telling me "you like penises" even though i didn't want anything of it in real life. It's been 11 years and still is like if I can only get of to transexual porn. It does turn me on and I hate it, because it didn't used to be like that. My mind forced me into it... I got a handle of my ocd for the past 9 years, had a girlfriend and for sometime managed the performance amxiety and sex became great. It was harder to me because I didn't found female vagina visually attractive. So yeah, my OCD attacked on both ends... but it was a lie by my ocd. I actually managed to enjoy interacting with female vaginas a lot and sex with my grilfriend was great. Never felt desire for a guy or transexual. And then 4 months ago the worst came: my OCD morphed into the fear of being attracted to trans people (which never seriously crossed my mind even after all this years with HOCD and watching that porn). To make it worse: ocd websites always say people don't get turned on by their ocd thoughts. But testing myself I can. It's lile having a sexual fantasy in the way that I can feem aroused, but to me it's not a sexual fantasy by any means. I hate it and I would have never thought about it if ot wasn't for my ocd getting more creative. It kills me and now I feel i'll never be able to have the life I planned with my girlfriend. I cry every day because even with having performance difficulties at times, I was sooooo freaking happy with her and never felt attracted or interested in guys or trans people. It hurts so much... ?
Hey just make one thing clear your ocd thoughts can make you turned on its called groinal responses. We just have to fight back and hope we get over this
The porn you watch doesn't say much about your orientation or real-life preferences. Having problems getting aroused with women does not automatically translates to "you like men". That's an OCD logic. What is scary for all of us is having to accept uncertainty. Just thinking that I have to accept that there's a chance that I am what my fears say is scary. But we have to face it...
You can do it too Charles :)
Yes. I've never seen lesbian porn as in girl on girl before, but I came across two masturbation videos on tumblr when I was 14 and looked up porn. I related it to myself. I imagined myself as them and that really confused me. I was a virgin so that was the thing that I could relate with. Now whenever there's anything related to masturbation in a movie or a woman being pleasured I relate it to myself and get turned on. which is NOT what I want. I've always had crushes on dudes and been attracted to dudes my whole life. Seeing guys masturbate turns me on for the same reason, I relate their pleasure with mine, which feels gay to me too for some reason. I've watched porn one time everything else I've seen has been in movie and shows. I've had a shit ton of fantasies about men. One time I was doing mental checking and put myself into a lesbian fantasy and it worked, which made me really anxious and upset. I know it's not what I want in reality, but I wish I had never done it because it's adding so much confusion now. I wish I could go back to before this happened and never have seen or done any of it.
Charles4545, sorry for the time i took to answer. Yeah, I think we have some similarities. What's your story?
I got into porn as a 12 or 13 year old. I liked the way it felt to be turned on and so I was hooked. A year or two later I stumbled into gay porn and it also turned me on, but I never felt gay. I still had big crushes on girls and never once wanted to be with a guy. This continued for a long time and interfered with many relationships. Eventually I was got worried that I really was gay and was just hiding it. It wasn’t until I was in college that I first allowed myself to think that I might be gay. It was a little bit relieving, but mostly just stressful because it felt fake. I still didn’t want to be with a man, I’m not interested in them. Only when I get horny, then I’ll think of men for a bit, but afterward I feel depressed. It wasn’t until last year that I noticed the anxiety surrounding these episodes. I’ll get anxiety for a minute, I can feel it deep in my stomach, and then I’ll masturbate to gay porn and the anxiety will go away. It took me a while to discover that this is the pattern of OCD. Now I know what’s going on so it’s just a matter of healing. Still very difficult, but there’s hope at least. I know I’m not gay and so I just need to fix my brain.
Are you into therapy? You should :)
Not right now, but I’m actively searching for an ocd specialist
Good luck with it Charles ?
Thanks, you too Tony
just need a place to write, if u read through thanks i appreciate it. my whole life i’ve been a very open minded girl. i started watching porn at a young age as it was shown to me by my friend. i watched all kinds including lesbian porn. it did turn me on ofc and i always found women to have beautiful bodies & they are attractive . they also have turned me on before. however my hearts always belonged to men. and that’s who i truly desire to be with and love and have sex with etc. however i do fantasize about women sometimes & honestly if my boyfriend wanted to have a threesome w another girl i would probably go for it since i am open minded and a very sexual person. always ready to explore new things i haven’t before. however even w that i still don’t think of myself as bisexual or lesbian. like my brain keeps telling me i am but i just don’t think so. the idea of not being in a relationship w a man and trading it to be w a woman makes me upset if that makes sense. like it’s just idk.. and i sometimes feel confused bc i am not disgusted entirely at the idea of being w a woman. i don’t desire it like i desire men. if i happen to think of it sure it might turn me on but i have no desire to go out in search for women. it’s just not for me. idk . reply w ur thoughts if u want i’d appreciate it
I’m literally having a panic attack. I’m reading all these articles about straight women watching lesbian porn and a lot of the articles say it doesn’t mean you’re a lesbian, but that you could be heading towards a bi lifestyle and I just can’t handle that. Like I don’t want to be bi, but I’m scared I am! I feel like my life is ruined and I’ll never be the same. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore. All I ever wanted was guys and now my head is messing with me and making me believe I’m now attracted to girls. It doesn’t make me happy at all! It just causes me anxiety and depression, but I feel like a lot of bi people talk about going through that. I wish I had never even watched porn. I feel like it’s caused all of this. Like that it could have made me bi. Now I hate myself for it. I can’t even hang out with any of my female friends anymore. My whole life is just ruined. Sorry to rant but it’s the only place I can.
I hate to admit this but I used to watch a lot of porn. I always had crushes on boys and wanted a boyfriend all my life. And I indentified as heterosexual. I’ve had this theme twice and gotten over when another theme took over. Unfortunately I watched a lot of female porn, and woman to woman porn and now my mind is telling me I’m bisexual. I’m so sick of this cus I don’t wanna be bisexual. I get false attractions all around. Am I suppressing sexuality? I feel so ashamed. Completely stopped watched porn.
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