- Username
- anonempath
- Date posted
- 5y ago
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- Username
- LavanderLavander
- Date posted
- 5y ago
The same exact thing happens to me. I'm so scared that I'll feel nothing sexual when I'm with a future boyfriend/husband. I also came accross lesbian porn young and it's the root of my hocd, what is used most strongly against my identity. It's honestly terrifying, I get up thinking about this and go to sleep thinking about this.
- Username
- anonempathanonempath
- Date posted
- 5y ago
me too, me too. like i literally wish my 12 year old self didn’t come across it. ugh.
- Username
- anonempathanonempath
- Date posted
- 5y ago
like we are literally going through the exact same thing.
- Username
- LavanderLavander
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@empathmind Yes! At least we're not alone in this. I even think the age thing match, it was around 12 y.o that I started to watch this stuff.
- Username
- AsnkuAsnku
- Date posted
- 5y ago
“Also I feel like I can’t truly get off anything but lesbian porn” OMG I FEEL THIS SO SO SO SO MUCH I was sure I was only one. Like if I watch straight porn it dosent many times feel likes nothing because my head is sayin always you don like that and then I got turn of. I feel like I have to watch lesbian porn to get even something beacause watching lesbian porn makes me uncomfortable and then I got these groinal responses and then I maybe cum if I am fingering. But after that I cry. I cry hella lot not form happiness but sadness and anxiety. Like I wanna get turn on straight porn and by boys nothing more. I feel so sick because of this
- Username
- IdkIdk
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I ream a article that talked about hocd and the root of it. They basically said that, mean get scared they are gosh because they think of penis and immediately associate as pleasure because of porn. And I think we can do the same but instead it’s about women. The porn industry is all about women, not so much the man. But I’m real life we had crushes and feelings for guys. So I’m going to stick with that. There’s something that says that women are just sexualiezed.
- Username
- anonempathanonempath
- Date posted
- 5y ago
see that makes sense because you see women in sexual situations EVERYWHERE. women are constantly sexualized in the media so that’s what you get used to seeing.
- Username
- IdkIdk
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@empathmind Yes exactly. But thennnnn my ocd goes “what I’d you’re just using this as an excuse to your attraction to women? Haha got you there”
- Username
- anonempathanonempath
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@advice? god you can never win. like i’ve never had a crush on a girl in real life, it’s ALWAYS been boys. but for me personally, i find lesbian porn more appealing. so then my ocd brain takes that and COMPLETLEY messes me up.
- Username
- IdkIdk
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@empathmind Neither have I, and I’m positive of it. Elementary I was all about boys. And crushing on them, never on girls. Middle school was the same, feelings for boys and not on girls. High school comes and I’m dealing with this when I have a boyfriend. Its really annoying.
- Username
- LavanderLavander
- Date posted
- 5y ago
And sometimes I just get this urge so strong to watch lesbian porn. It makes me feel completely awful and umcorfortable, but I can never fight it off. This is the worst mistake I've ever made, I absolutely hate this. I don't want to be with a woman, never did.
- Username
- anonempathanonempath
- Date posted
- 5y ago
i feel ya. was it your preferred type of porn at the time and/or more recently? if you don’t mind me asking.
- Username
- LavanderLavander
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@empathmind Preferred type. I guess it was mixed with anxiety from the beginning, since I've never liked women. As I don't like watching porn at all, I never tried to encourage myself to watch other forms, having problems with one type is enough for me. But I do remember reading erotica with men.
- Username
- AsnkuAsnku
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I feel you. I was really curios and i found the lesbian sex really young age like really. I didnt now what it was mut i remember i got arousel it. I was wathing straight sex too and i am sure i get arousel then too BUT my hocd is making my memories really blurry
- Username
- anonempathanonempath
- Date posted
- 5y ago
yesss, my mind is creating all these false memories. but i can’t tell the difference between the real and the fake sometimes. it’s so frusturating.
- Username
- charles4545charles4545
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Same experience for me except with men. I’ve always had crushes on girls since I was very young. I’ve never once been romantically interested in a man, but when I was around 13 I found gay porn and it was shocking to me and that turned me on. So then I continued to use it to get aroused. To this day, I still am only interested in having relationships with women, but am very aroused by men. The dread that I won’t ever be able to keep a girlfriend or get married just adds to the “performance anxiety” and I can’t get aroused as well with girls. Absolutely miserable, I feel trapped.
- Username
- hateocd123hateocd123
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman? I think you'll find that eventually you'll have no problem. I used to have a huge issue with sexual dysfunction because of my hocd anxiety, but as I got more comfortable with my boyfriend and having sex things went back to normal. I still have hocd 1000% but generally sex is fine except for difficulty once in a while due to intrusive thoughts. I wouldn't let it stop you from getting into a relationship. Even if you turn out to be only hetero-romantic there's way more to relationships than just sex.
- Username
- charles4545charles4545
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@hateocd123 That’s encouraging to hear. I have been in relationships with women, but I’m celibate by choice, which doesn’t help the building sexual confidence part. But that’s not really negotiable for me at this point in my life. With those women, we have still been quite physical and I have been worried that I’m not “getting arouse enough” and that “they can tell I’m gay,” which has been difficult on the relationship from my perspective. I’ve told none of them about my HOCD, so I’ve suffered silently the whole time. Have you spoken with your partners about it?
- Username
- hateocd123hateocd123
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@charles4545 I've only had one partner and he thinks I'm bisexual (it's a long story) I don't think I'm completely straight on the kinsey scale, but I'm not bisexual either my preference is exclusively men. He knows about my OCD and I'm planning on telling him my current theme. If it helps at all my boyfriend wasn't able to get it up the first time we had sex and I didn't think he was gay, I just knew that he was really anxious. You absolutely do not need to force yourself to have sex if you don't want to, but if you find yourself wanting to don't hold back because of that. If anyone judges you for that they're not worth it.
- Username
- charles4545charles4545
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@hateocd123 Thanks, I really appreciate it! There are so many thoughts that seam real and relevant that are just classic ocd thoughts. It’s nice to hear another perspective to shine light on the irrationality. Just speaking with someone at all is extremely refreshing.
- Username
- hateocd123hateocd123
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@charles4545 No problem! :)
- Username
- TonyOCDTonyOCD
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Oh... you guys have some similarities with me. I used to watch straight porn until age 16 when my HOCD started. By then I would also get aroused at "well shaped male penises" in the movies, but I loved girls and never felt my sexuality threatened. After my HOCD started, my mind never allowed me to enjoy straight porn ever again. I started testing myself to transexual porn, because of my OCD getting stuck on telling me "you like penises" even though i didn't want anything of it in real life. It's been 11 years and still is like if I can only get of to transexual porn. It does turn me on and I hate it, because it didn't used to be like that. My mind forced me into it... I got a handle of my ocd for the past 9 years, had a girlfriend and for sometime managed the performance amxiety and sex became great. It was harder to me because I didn't found female vagina visually attractive. So yeah, my OCD attacked on both ends... but it was a lie by my ocd. I actually managed to enjoy interacting with female vaginas a lot and sex with my grilfriend was great. Never felt desire for a guy or transexual. And then 4 months ago the worst came: my OCD morphed into the fear of being attracted to trans people (which never seriously crossed my mind even after all this years with HOCD and watching that porn). To make it worse: ocd websites always say people don't get turned on by their ocd thoughts. But testing myself I can. It's lile having a sexual fantasy in the way that I can feem aroused, but to me it's not a sexual fantasy by any means. I hate it and I would have never thought about it if ot wasn't for my ocd getting more creative. It kills me and now I feel i'll never be able to have the life I planned with my girlfriend. I cry every day because even with having performance difficulties at times, I was sooooo freaking happy with her and never felt attracted or interested in guys or trans people. It hurts so much... ?
- Username
- AsnkuAsnku
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Hey just make one thing clear your ocd thoughts can make you turned on its called groinal responses. We just have to fight back and hope we get over this
- Username
- TonyOCDTonyOCD
- Date posted
- 5y ago
The porn you watch doesn't say much about your orientation or real-life preferences. Having problems getting aroused with women does not automatically translates to "you like men". That's an OCD logic. What is scary for all of us is having to accept uncertainty. Just thinking that I have to accept that there's a chance that I am what my fears say is scary. But we have to face it...
- Username
- TonyOCDTonyOCD
- Date posted
- 5y ago
You can do it too Charles :)
- Username
- hateocd123hateocd123
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Yes. I've never seen lesbian porn as in girl on girl before, but I came across two masturbation videos on tumblr when I was 14 and looked up porn. I related it to myself. I imagined myself as them and that really confused me. I was a virgin so that was the thing that I could relate with. Now whenever there's anything related to masturbation in a movie or a woman being pleasured I relate it to myself and get turned on. which is NOT what I want. I've always had crushes on dudes and been attracted to dudes my whole life. Seeing guys masturbate turns me on for the same reason, I relate their pleasure with mine, which feels gay to me too for some reason. I've watched porn one time everything else I've seen has been in movie and shows. I've had a shit ton of fantasies about men. One time I was doing mental checking and put myself into a lesbian fantasy and it worked, which made me really anxious and upset. I know it's not what I want in reality, but I wish I had never done it because it's adding so much confusion now. I wish I could go back to before this happened and never have seen or done any of it.
- Username
- TonyOCDTonyOCD
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Charles4545, sorry for the time i took to answer. Yeah, I think we have some similarities. What's your story?
- Username
- charles4545charles4545
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I got into porn as a 12 or 13 year old. I liked the way it felt to be turned on and so I was hooked. A year or two later I stumbled into gay porn and it also turned me on, but I never felt gay. I still had big crushes on girls and never once wanted to be with a guy. This continued for a long time and interfered with many relationships. Eventually I was got worried that I really was gay and was just hiding it. It wasn’t until I was in college that I first allowed myself to think that I might be gay. It was a little bit relieving, but mostly just stressful because it felt fake. I still didn’t want to be with a man, I’m not interested in them. Only when I get horny, then I’ll think of men for a bit, but afterward I feel depressed. It wasn’t until last year that I noticed the anxiety surrounding these episodes. I’ll get anxiety for a minute, I can feel it deep in my stomach, and then I’ll masturbate to gay porn and the anxiety will go away. It took me a while to discover that this is the pattern of OCD. Now I know what’s going on so it’s just a matter of healing. Still very difficult, but there’s hope at least. I know I’m not gay and so I just need to fix my brain.
- Username
- TonyOCDTonyOCD
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Are you into therapy? You should :)
- Username
- charles4545charles4545
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Not right now, but I’m actively searching for an ocd specialist
- Username
- TonyOCDTonyOCD
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Good luck with it Charles ?
- Username
- charles4545charles4545
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Thanks, you too Tony
Related posts
- Username
- Chloejade97
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I need to share something i have never told anyone. I watched lesbian porn from a young age because I thought i was attracted to it. I started at 8 years old Becauss I felt like i had to watch it to ease my anxiety. At first i thought i enjoyed it but i was wrong. I was so confused growing up because I didn't know what this porn obsession meant. All i knew was that I wasn't gay, but i supported the lgbt and had no problems with thr community, & was only attracted to boys but i Always had a voice in my head that told me to watch the porn and no matter how hard i tried not too the anxietu got worse until i couldnt breathe and i had a panic attack so i had to give in. The porn i watched was mostly disgusting fetishes that at the time i thought I enjoyed but that turned out to be fake arousal. I am disgusted by these memories now. I haven't watched lesbian porn in over a year and I feel amazing. It has actually helped me so much to reconnect with myself, Realise thst im only attracted to men + my attrcation for them is better then ever, find out who i am and most importantly realise that this is a condition and these thoughts and compulsions are not what i want. I now know i have hocd and its like everything just makes sense and has clicked into space. When I in primary school i developed an anxiety disorder, and i think i developed ocd around the same time too, Because i have all these false memories of doing sexual things with ny girls from my promary school and it maked me feel sick :( and when i went to high school i was severly bullied about the way i look and this lead me to think i was ugly and i wanted to look like all the other girls so i began to hate myself and the way i look. I still do now. I think this is how my hocd started because now i find myself looking at othet girls all the time. I get a voice in my head that says "i like the way they look," in a sexual manner and then i get a groinal response, and then I find myself thinking "im not attracted to them, I just wish i looked like them" so i think this is why my ocd started due to anxiety at a young age, i also think i developed ocd and hocd as young as 5 years old, if thats possible? I just needed to get this out because watching the porn has left me disgusted with myself, and im trying to move on and not allow my head to make me feel like i liked watching it. does that make sense? is there anyone else who has had a porn addiction over the same sex but stopped watching it? I just want to feel like im not alone. thank you for reading. im shaking right now.
- Username
- aquarius01
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I’m literally having a panic attack. I’m reading all these articles about straight women watching lesbian porn and a lot of the articles say it doesn’t mean you’re a lesbian, but that you could be heading towards a bi lifestyle and I just can’t handle that. Like I don’t want to be bi, but I’m scared I am! I feel like my life is ruined and I’ll never be the same. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore. All I ever wanted was guys and now my head is messing with me and making me believe I’m now attracted to girls. It doesn’t make me happy at all! It just causes me anxiety and depression, but I feel like a lot of bi people talk about going through that. I wish I had never even watched porn. I feel like it’s caused all of this. Like that it could have made me bi. Now I hate myself for it. I can’t even hang out with any of my female friends anymore. My whole life is just ruined. Sorry to rant but it’s the only place I can.
- Username
- hocdgirlsummer
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I truly think this all comes from my childhood. Ive stumbled upon porn and damn that has ruined me. The doubt started small but like i knew i liked boys. But now... it has affected me to much. The doubt blew up and im lost. U know i hate that this goes in the way of me having a normal damn life and focussing on some real shit that matters like a jon or watever. Im litteraly out here ruining my teenage years and feeling like i have to come Out and feeling like im a damn lesbian . And u know, that thought doesnt even weird me out anymore??? And j freaking hate jt because if i heard myself saying this before hocd was in my life id laugh at myself. I even feel like i lost my femininity trough this. I canf feel sexy, pretty, elegant anything. I feel like a woman with a purple pixie cut who plays rock guitar and is lesbian while im truly sooo the opposite of that. I miss my old me so muuuch. She was tjis girl that dreamed about her man so innocently. I was so innocent like just here and being a girly girl and i loved that version of me. gosh i feel disgusting like these thoights in my head break me down. Im scared this will effect me forever. Even IF i get over this im scared that one day ill find a man and all of a sudden this returns and goes like, nope u like woman while im litteraly into the guy. Soo much fear. I feel like ill never be able to Love again without having something about my sexual orientation on my mind. What is this modern time doing to me??
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