- Date posted
- 5y ago
- Date posted
- 5y ago
The same exact thing happens to me. I'm so scared that I'll feel nothing sexual when I'm with a future boyfriend/husband. I also came accross lesbian porn young and it's the root of my hocd, what is used most strongly against my identity. It's honestly terrifying, I get up thinking about this and go to sleep thinking about this.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
me too, me too. like i literally wish my 12 year old self didn’t come across it. ugh.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
like we are literally going through the exact same thing.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@empathmind Yes! At least we're not alone in this. I even think the age thing match, it was around 12 y.o that I started to watch this stuff.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
“Also I feel like I can’t truly get off anything but lesbian porn” OMG I FEEL THIS SO SO SO SO MUCH I was sure I was only one. Like if I watch straight porn it dosent many times feel likes nothing because my head is sayin always you don like that and then I got turn of. I feel like I have to watch lesbian porn to get even something beacause watching lesbian porn makes me uncomfortable and then I got these groinal responses and then I maybe cum if I am fingering. But after that I cry. I cry hella lot not form happiness but sadness and anxiety. Like I wanna get turn on straight porn and by boys nothing more. I feel so sick because of this
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I ream a article that talked about hocd and the root of it. They basically said that, mean get scared they are gosh because they think of penis and immediately associate as pleasure because of porn. And I think we can do the same but instead it’s about women. The porn industry is all about women, not so much the man. But I’m real life we had crushes and feelings for guys. So I’m going to stick with that. There’s something that says that women are just sexualiezed.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
see that makes sense because you see women in sexual situations EVERYWHERE. women are constantly sexualized in the media so that’s what you get used to seeing.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@empathmind Yes exactly. But thennnnn my ocd goes “what I’d you’re just using this as an excuse to your attraction to women? Haha got you there”
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@advice? god you can never win. like i’ve never had a crush on a girl in real life, it’s ALWAYS been boys. but for me personally, i find lesbian porn more appealing. so then my ocd brain takes that and COMPLETLEY messes me up.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@empathmind Neither have I, and I’m positive of it. Elementary I was all about boys. And crushing on them, never on girls. Middle school was the same, feelings for boys and not on girls. High school comes and I’m dealing with this when I have a boyfriend. Its really annoying.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
And sometimes I just get this urge so strong to watch lesbian porn. It makes me feel completely awful and umcorfortable, but I can never fight it off. This is the worst mistake I've ever made, I absolutely hate this. I don't want to be with a woman, never did.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
i feel ya. was it your preferred type of porn at the time and/or more recently? if you don’t mind me asking.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@empathmind Preferred type. I guess it was mixed with anxiety from the beginning, since I've never liked women. As I don't like watching porn at all, I never tried to encourage myself to watch other forms, having problems with one type is enough for me. But I do remember reading erotica with men.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I feel you. I was really curios and i found the lesbian sex really young age like really. I didnt now what it was mut i remember i got arousel it. I was wathing straight sex too and i am sure i get arousel then too BUT my hocd is making my memories really blurry
- Date posted
- 5y ago
yesss, my mind is creating all these false memories. but i can’t tell the difference between the real and the fake sometimes. it’s so frusturating.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Same experience for me except with men. I’ve always had crushes on girls since I was very young. I’ve never once been romantically interested in a man, but when I was around 13 I found gay porn and it was shocking to me and that turned me on. So then I continued to use it to get aroused. To this day, I still am only interested in having relationships with women, but am very aroused by men. The dread that I won’t ever be able to keep a girlfriend or get married just adds to the “performance anxiety” and I can’t get aroused as well with girls. Absolutely miserable, I feel trapped.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman? I think you'll find that eventually you'll have no problem. I used to have a huge issue with sexual dysfunction because of my hocd anxiety, but as I got more comfortable with my boyfriend and having sex things went back to normal. I still have hocd 1000% but generally sex is fine except for difficulty once in a while due to intrusive thoughts. I wouldn't let it stop you from getting into a relationship. Even if you turn out to be only hetero-romantic there's way more to relationships than just sex.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@hateocd123 That’s encouraging to hear. I have been in relationships with women, but I’m celibate by choice, which doesn’t help the building sexual confidence part. But that’s not really negotiable for me at this point in my life. With those women, we have still been quite physical and I have been worried that I’m not “getting arouse enough” and that “they can tell I’m gay,” which has been difficult on the relationship from my perspective. I’ve told none of them about my HOCD, so I’ve suffered silently the whole time. Have you spoken with your partners about it?
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@charles4545 I've only had one partner and he thinks I'm bisexual (it's a long story) I don't think I'm completely straight on the kinsey scale, but I'm not bisexual either my preference is exclusively men. He knows about my OCD and I'm planning on telling him my current theme. If it helps at all my boyfriend wasn't able to get it up the first time we had sex and I didn't think he was gay, I just knew that he was really anxious. You absolutely do not need to force yourself to have sex if you don't want to, but if you find yourself wanting to don't hold back because of that. If anyone judges you for that they're not worth it.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@hateocd123 Thanks, I really appreciate it! There are so many thoughts that seam real and relevant that are just classic ocd thoughts. It’s nice to hear another perspective to shine light on the irrationality. Just speaking with someone at all is extremely refreshing.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@charles4545 No problem! :)
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Oh... you guys have some similarities with me. I used to watch straight porn until age 16 when my HOCD started. By then I would also get aroused at "well shaped male penises" in the movies, but I loved girls and never felt my sexuality threatened. After my HOCD started, my mind never allowed me to enjoy straight porn ever again. I started testing myself to transexual porn, because of my OCD getting stuck on telling me "you like penises" even though i didn't want anything of it in real life. It's been 11 years and still is like if I can only get of to transexual porn. It does turn me on and I hate it, because it didn't used to be like that. My mind forced me into it... I got a handle of my ocd for the past 9 years, had a girlfriend and for sometime managed the performance amxiety and sex became great. It was harder to me because I didn't found female vagina visually attractive. So yeah, my OCD attacked on both ends... but it was a lie by my ocd. I actually managed to enjoy interacting with female vaginas a lot and sex with my grilfriend was great. Never felt desire for a guy or transexual. And then 4 months ago the worst came: my OCD morphed into the fear of being attracted to trans people (which never seriously crossed my mind even after all this years with HOCD and watching that porn). To make it worse: ocd websites always say people don't get turned on by their ocd thoughts. But testing myself I can. It's lile having a sexual fantasy in the way that I can feem aroused, but to me it's not a sexual fantasy by any means. I hate it and I would have never thought about it if ot wasn't for my ocd getting more creative. It kills me and now I feel i'll never be able to have the life I planned with my girlfriend. I cry every day because even with having performance difficulties at times, I was sooooo freaking happy with her and never felt attracted or interested in guys or trans people. It hurts so much... ?
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Hey just make one thing clear your ocd thoughts can make you turned on its called groinal responses. We just have to fight back and hope we get over this
- Date posted
- 5y ago
The porn you watch doesn't say much about your orientation or real-life preferences. Having problems getting aroused with women does not automatically translates to "you like men". That's an OCD logic. What is scary for all of us is having to accept uncertainty. Just thinking that I have to accept that there's a chance that I am what my fears say is scary. But we have to face it...
- Date posted
- 5y ago
You can do it too Charles :)
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Yes. I've never seen lesbian porn as in girl on girl before, but I came across two masturbation videos on tumblr when I was 14 and looked up porn. I related it to myself. I imagined myself as them and that really confused me. I was a virgin so that was the thing that I could relate with. Now whenever there's anything related to masturbation in a movie or a woman being pleasured I relate it to myself and get turned on. which is NOT what I want. I've always had crushes on dudes and been attracted to dudes my whole life. Seeing guys masturbate turns me on for the same reason, I relate their pleasure with mine, which feels gay to me too for some reason. I've watched porn one time everything else I've seen has been in movie and shows. I've had a shit ton of fantasies about men. One time I was doing mental checking and put myself into a lesbian fantasy and it worked, which made me really anxious and upset. I know it's not what I want in reality, but I wish I had never done it because it's adding so much confusion now. I wish I could go back to before this happened and never have seen or done any of it.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Charles4545, sorry for the time i took to answer. Yeah, I think we have some similarities. What's your story?
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I got into porn as a 12 or 13 year old. I liked the way it felt to be turned on and so I was hooked. A year or two later I stumbled into gay porn and it also turned me on, but I never felt gay. I still had big crushes on girls and never once wanted to be with a guy. This continued for a long time and interfered with many relationships. Eventually I was got worried that I really was gay and was just hiding it. It wasn’t until I was in college that I first allowed myself to think that I might be gay. It was a little bit relieving, but mostly just stressful because it felt fake. I still didn’t want to be with a man, I’m not interested in them. Only when I get horny, then I’ll think of men for a bit, but afterward I feel depressed. It wasn’t until last year that I noticed the anxiety surrounding these episodes. I’ll get anxiety for a minute, I can feel it deep in my stomach, and then I’ll masturbate to gay porn and the anxiety will go away. It took me a while to discover that this is the pattern of OCD. Now I know what’s going on so it’s just a matter of healing. Still very difficult, but there’s hope at least. I know I’m not gay and so I just need to fix my brain.
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Are you into therapy? You should :)
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Not right now, but I’m actively searching for an ocd specialist
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Good luck with it Charles ?
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Thanks, you too Tony
Related posts
- Date posted
- 18w ago
I feel so sad, alone, scared and hopeless. Until two months ago there was not even the remote possibility of being anything other than heterosexual and now the idea that I could find out that I was lesbian or bisexual terrifies me to death. Everything was born from the fact that I didn't feel sexual desire towards my ex-boyfriend and I started to be afraid that it was because I was a lesbian... how can I be a lesbian or bisexual if everything was born from this? I would like to run away from myself and my head. I would really like to go back and go back to my life before. I can't take it anymore. I just want to live my life like before
- Date posted
- 17w ago
Sorry if this is a bit of an odd post, but I’m wondering if there are any girls out there that have specifically struggled with shame around watching porn? A lot of my real-event ocd stems from watching that kind of content in the past, and for some reason it feels particularly taboo as a woman. As a young teen, I saw some genuinely disturbing things, and I think a lot of that was to do with having unrestricted access to the internet. However, despite lots of people telling me “that’s normal teen curiosity” it just never feels like it applies to me, and that I’m genuinely just a sexual deviant. I think because that kind of content is so graphic and overstimulating it’s really stuck in my brain, and I just wish I could turn back the clock and switch off the computer. I’ve recently been struggling with doing typical ‘girly’ stuff because I feel tainted and gross, and I just want to get back to feeling myself again.
- Date posted
- 14w ago
Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off
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