Maladaptive daydreaming

I’ve always struggled with maladaptive daydreaming I’ve stopped but I have harm ocd and my brain would hook onto a true crime story and I’d pretend to be a family member/loved one/victim of a k*ller and would make up elaborate stories abt it. That feels so disgusting I’m so scared this shows in a horrible person doesn’t it? And now my brain is telling me I have found k*llers attractive in the past I don’t think I ever did but what if I did I’m scared

I’ve always struggled with maladaptive daydreaming I’ve stopped but I have harm ocd and my brain would hook onto a true crime story and I’d pretend to be a family member/loved one/victim of a kller and would make up elaborate stories abt it. That feels so disgusting I’m so scared this shows in a horrible person doesn’t it? And now my brain is telling me I have found kllers attractive in the past I don’t think I ever did but what if I did I’m scared and I daydreamed about k*lling a man if he ever SA my niece these feel so violent they were at least MONTHS ago but I am ashamed and truly would like support.

Does anyone else here daydream maladaptively? Well, I do a lot and my OCD has latched onto that as “proof” that my fear is real due to do contents of my daydreams. To preface I’m 14 and most of my daydreams consist of boys that I like so like 85% of my day is just me daydreaming about these boys in a fantasy world that I built in my head for them. The thing is I have ADHD and I’m super hyperactive and I require a lot of movement to engage in my daydreams (and with engaging in anything in general tbh) so I’m always just randomly walking/running around the house daydreaming. Anyway sometimes I’ll make the same faces my character makes in the daydream and also do like hand movements they do. And I’ve been ruminating about this for months because I’m like “does that count as imagining myself as a boy?” due to the fact that most of the characters in my daydreaming world are male and I panic. I would never imagine myself as a boy in that sense because it makes me uncomfortable, like ever since I got this theme, whenever I walk by a mirror I get these intrusive images of the boy I like starring back at me in the mirror and I get super uncomfortable. It’s like a punch in the gut. I don’t want to look like those boys at all and I know that if I was one of them I would hate my appearance and hate looking in the mirror, no matter how attractive they are. Or when I’m doing something my OCD will imagine ME doing it as a boy like in first person and with the intent of me being a boy and that also really triggers me because that’s not what I want and it makes me real uncomfortable. What I DO want is to daydream about boys, but not about being a boy. But isn’t that what I’ve been doing this whole time without realizing? Like I’m so wrapped in my daydreams that when I’m doing anything I go “Hm I wonder what [my crush] would do in this situation” and imagine him doing it but in a completely different setting and with some changes to the activity added. That really scares me because I go “what if that means I’m a boy” and I get really distressed because I don’t wanna be a boy. I don’t view any of the boys on my daydream as me at all and like, I don’t daydream with the intent to be a boy because that’s the least of my desires, all I do is want to think about boys because boys are cute ofc and I like them. But I’m still really scared. Is my OCD possibly twisting things or am I in denial? :(