Username: issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12d ago

just venting a bit, it’s been hard lately

I don’t have much of a support system outside of my bf, so I find myself here a lot. I think I just need to vent, so forgive me if I do this too often. It helps to have a community of people who truly understand. I haven’t felt this debilitated by mental illness in months. There has to be some explanation, maybe it’s hormonal, because I feel like I’ve completely lost myself. The panic hits in waves, sudden and overwhelming, like my head is submerged in lava, burning and suffocating. Then, for a brief moment, I feel almost normal and wonder what all the fear was about. But it never lasts. The chaos always comes back. I even considered going to the ER because I’m not sure I can trust myself anymore. Something has to be wrong, because this isn’t me. My life isn’t perfect, but it’s not unbearable either. Since I withdrew from school, I’ve been so much less stressed that even my cycle, which has been irregular for years, has somehow regulated itself. But even with that, I feel like a failure. I was one semester away from finishing, so close, but OCD hit me harder than it ever has. It felt like drowning, gasping for air, reaching for something solid, only to be dragged under again and again. Now, I feel like that again, but worse. I feel hollow, like something is wrong with me at my core. I don’t just feel sad; I feel broken. I break down into uncontrollable sobs every few hours, and I don’t even know why. I just know that whatever is happening, OCD is taking full advantage of how vulnerable I feel. Is this what MDD feels like? Everyone tells me I have it, and it’s been confirmed by my psych, my pcp, and my therapist, but I still can’t seem to fully see it. I don’t know how to separate what’s OCD from what might be another disorder. I’m sorry to anyone also going through such a hard time, my heart goes out to you 🤍

Username: learningtorecoverlearningtore...

Date posted: 12d ago

I can understand how you’re feeling, has anything changed recently in your life that you might not think could connect to your OCD but it could be interfering with it? I had sleep issues for ages and then went on melatonin for months and it made my emotions so much worse and depressing, but I didn’t know it was that until someone else had the similar symptoms and I decided to stop taking it and that feeling went away, I took it for months before I knew it was that though…just a thought, sometimes it’s not always our minds and other exterior things can affect us.

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12d ago

@learningtorecover Um omg.. I didn’t even mention my insomnia or the supplements I’m taking, **THANK YOU**. I’ve been taking valerian root for about 2.5 weeks, and I’ve felt terrible for the last 4 days—just awful. After reading your comment, I decided to look up more information, and I found out that valerian root takes about two weeks to start working. It can also make depression worse, cause racing thoughts, and lead to nightmares (I actually posted about a horrible nightmare I had this morning). Some people who have a paradoxical reaction to valerian root also react the same way to SSRIs, which I definitely do. I suspected something external was causing this, but I didn’t think it was the valerian, especially since my mom’s country swears by it. I only started thinking about it after reading your comment about melatonin. I won’t take it tonight, and if this works, you might’ve just saved my life. Thank you so much!

Username: learningtorecoverlearningtore...

Date posted: 11d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 oh my I hope stoping that does help! it can be so intricate on what affects us and OCD, that would make sense in your case, it’s so hard when we take these things to make us feel better or calm us down (like the melatonin did help me sleep a bit but so not worth the side effects) and they end up making other things worse! It might be different for people without OCD, I wouldn’t know. I had to really limit when I have coffee even cause that always makes my ocd and anxiety worse too. I did make sure I stopped taking it for a few nights though, just cause like you said things like that can take weeks to start working meaning it might take a bit to get out of your system, I really hope this works for you though! if you remember or see this, I’d really like to see how you’re going and if stopping it helps how you’ve been feeling! I hope you do start to feel better regardless :)

Username: learningtorecoverlearningtore...

Date posted: 8d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 any improvements? I hope it’s helped and you’re feeling better! :)

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 8d ago

@learningtorecover Hi, I think I’m experiencing a type of withdrawal honestly. I just hope it’ll get better but at least yesterday, I was a little less depressed (just a tad). It’s hard to tell with all these hormones tbh but I’ll update you if it gets better!

Username: learningtorecoverlearningtore...

Date posted: 8d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 yes, unfortunately it might take awhile, but I do hope it improves, you’ve got this! Thanks for updating me :)

Username: salvationsalvation

Date posted: 12d ago

I remember a lot of days like that. It was all-consuming. I believe your description and I empathize with your pain.

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12d ago

@salvation I’m sorry you ever experienced it at all ❤️‍🩹

Username: Hetalia17Hetalia17

Date posted: 12d ago

@issphra I know that this is a very daunting existence, especially during a bad day or week, and it seems like it never ends. It terrifies me to think it will happen over and over again and I’ll have to feel this fear and anguish over and over again. It quite literally is torture. But, something that I find has helped me pull through is trying to focus on getting through just that one day to the best of my ability. Then focus on the next day. And the next and the next until suddenly I’m focusing on getting through an entire week. Might not seem like much but it feels like an achievement to me, after everything I’ve been through. My OCD tends to get far, far worse with my menstrual cycle. Especially when ovulation day is close by. Everything gets infinitely, abysmally worse. Funnily enough, last month my ovulation window and OCD peak matched up with the full moon— so my dad and I joked around with the idea of my OCD being a werewolf of sorts. I “transform” at that time and my poor parents have to be the priests waving around crosses to soothe me. It’s silly, I know, and OCD doesn’t go away with the full moon either, but it’s helped me laugh a bit about my situation and remember that eventually it will pass, and I’ll get some time to breathe and live my life. I look forward to those moments of calm. They’re brief, sure, but they’ll come back too. I hope this little fiction can help you in some way. Stay strong! I read somewhere once (idk if it was a post on Tumblr??) that Hope isn’t a frail, ethereal being. She’s bloodied and dirty and all beat up but she always fights to get back on her feet. I think that description fits best. Take time to breathe and allow yourself to cry as much as you need to. The werewolf phase doesn’t last forever! 🌝🌝

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 11d ago

@Hetalia17 lol it helped :) thank you 💗💗

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 11d ago

@Hetalia17 I appreciate your kindness truly 🤍

Username: 1twilightloverr1twilightloverr

Date posted: 12d ago

i’m going through a really hard time right now as well. i’m so glad to know im not alone and you’re not alone too. i’m pmsing so im assuming that’s causing my flare ups hope ur well

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 11d ago

@1twilightloverr Hormones definitely make things worse for sure, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 11d ago

@1twilightloverr Hormones definitely make things worse for sure, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time

Username: TexasOCD41TexasOCD41

Date posted: 11d ago

Perhaps go to the ER and see if you can get some anxiety medication. If you have been confirmed to have MDD, you need to be on medication. i had all of those feelings for months because i was hell bound to fix myself without medication but once i finally gave in and got on medication, it totally changed my life and nothing anyone could do would ever convince me to go back.

Username: issphra 🫶🏻issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 11d ago

@TexasOCD41 It’s confirmed. I met with my psychiatrist today and we’re going to try Effexor. I was also given low dose Xanax in case it triggers the unbearable panic. Because I can’t sleep, she also gave me a very low dose trazodone. Hopefully all of this helps, if it does we’re going to treat my ADHD, which exacerbates everything, next week with a non stimulant since I react so badly to the come down from stimulants. Let’s hope this works. I’m glad you found something for yourself, I hope to get there too.

Username: TexasOCD41TexasOCD41

Date posted: 11d ago

Good! I truly believe you will start to feel better in perhaps a month. Sometimes it’s much faster. I SWEAR I actually felt INCREDIBLE relief within an hour of my first dose. Idk if it was placebo or my brain was soooo starved for some serotonin that it drowned itself in it for a week of total bliss but that wore off then I took a couple months to find my perfect dose but regardless, a month feels like forever when you’re miserable but when you have been miserable for almost a year or more, a month is worth it. Keep me posted. I can’t wait to hear your improvements.

Username: AnonUser

Date posted: 24w ago

Tired of living in fear and questioning everything

I’m tired guys. I’m tired of thinking something is always wrong with my health, tired of letting random symptoms/ sensations take over my brain and make me think something is horribly wrong. Tired of thinking I need to go to the doctors to get X & Y looked at. I’m tired of always assuming worst case scenario. I’m tired of constantly thinking if something is unethical/ immoral if I don’t do something, tired of always thinking I’m offending a religious higher being, tired of thinking I’m a bad/ disgusting person for my thoughts. I’ve had OCD ruin so many things for me that should have been fun. It’s ruined intercourse/ intimacy because of religious thoughts, or I keep thinking about STDs/ infections. I’ve been having panic attacks lately, something I’ve never experienced, because of life changes and it’s all gotten in the way of my structured life and it’s been very uncomfortable. Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m in danger, or nothing is real. Right now I’m fearing the most that I’m losing my mind, who I am, and I’m just so scared of my mental health getting worse and going manic or developing a dangerous mental illness. My mental health has NEVER been this bad. This is all new and it’s so scary. I was just fine a few months ago, sure I was dealing with other OCD stuff, the intrusive thoughts, the fears, the repetitive actions just to make sure something is the way I want it/ brings me comfort. But ever since my structure was changed/ ruined, it’s all been downhill. I just finished an EMT program, and that messed with me. Saw/ experienced things I’ve never done before and man, it’s really messed with me. Working on getting a new job in healthcare but still don’t have insurance so getting a new OCD specialized therapist has been difficult. Can someone relate just so I don’t feel like I’m crazy?..

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 22w ago

Relapse

I was doing so good, but over the past few months, the OCD has returned with a vengenace. I try to explain what I'm experiencing to my family, but they don't understand. I just need to hear that people get it and know that I can make it out the other end alive and in one piece I've had many themes over the years, but right now, scrupulocity is taking over my life. It takes the normal day-to-day things I do, and twists them into compulsions to feed the insatiable monster that tells me if I don't do enough, be perfect enough, that I'm not a good partner-- not a good person. I'm not working hard because it feels satisfying; I'm doing it because I feel lazy and worthless if I don't. Everything has been taken to an extreme. It's making getting in the way of eating and sleeping. I'm suffering, but I feel like I need to try and pretend that I'm fine (even though I'm terrible at hiding it) because I feel like my husband will think I'm crazy, whiny, and dramatic, and eventually, get tired of it and leave. I'm not asking for reassurance. I just want to not feel so alone.

Username: landonw

Date posted: 18w ago

Why?

They’re getting more intense.. My mind wonders if what i’m feeling is really OCD.. what if it’s not and i’m in denial? Why is my life like this, a constant loop of fears and stress holding me back. I just want to live. To be the kind boy everyone knows. To make and be a difference. There’s sometimes I wish I could stay asleep.. to rest for a while. To hibernate all these feelings away. But I know that’s not how it works. Each tear I shed is a reminder of the hell I live every day when I open my eyes. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know why I am anymore. Please someone.. advice, words of positivity, something.. I feel so alone. I’m scared. I don’t know where else to go.

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just venting a bit, it’s been hard lately

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