Numb and engaging more with thoughts? Help?

I’ve been feeling a bit stressed lately because my intrusive thoughts aren’t causing as much anxiety as they used to. It almost feels like I’m becoming a little numb to them, and because of that, I’m able to engage with them a bit longer. I don’t feel the usual rush of anxiety to pull away, and in some strange way, I even find myself focusing on them for a few seconds, like I’m actively thinking about them. It’s really stressing me out because I feel like by not feeling that immediate discomfort or anxiety, I’m letting the thoughts stay longer or giving them more power. I feel like part of me almost wants them to be there, and I don’t know if that’s a bad sign? They don’t even feel intrusive. Has anyone else experienced this? I’m just worried that the lack of anxiety is the reason I’m interacting more with these thoughts that would normal scare me. I feel guilt about it later. I am currently withdrawing from medication so that may contribute to this but it’s not the first time I experience this :/

Crook

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 24w

It’s called a backdoor spike

nae nae

Date posted: 24w

Yeah, honestly feeling the same with certain thoughts. But Crook is right.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 24w

@nae nae Ugh it just bothers me so much because I find myself thinking about these thoughts more or expanding them just bc they don’t feel scary but they’re immoral thoughts, I know that. Like maybe my compulsions have become more habitual than anxiety based? And I’m no where near recovered, I’m just absolutely exhausted from being sick and withdrawing from meds that it’s like my brain is tired Because there’s no anxiety, I’m letting myself think about them more, to the point where they almost feel like they’re mine. But I know that I normally find these thoughts immoral and disturbing. I don’t know if this is just part of the process, or if I’m somehow “slipping” into thinking these thoughts are okay because I’m not feeling the anxiety I normally would. Does that make sense? Maybe I’m subconsciously testing my anxiety by letting it continue and focusing on it.

nae nae

Date posted: 24w

@issphra 🫶🏻 No, that totally makes sense. That's exactly what I've been dealing with, too, and I've thought the same thing. It scares me a little, and sometimes I almost miss the anxiety because it was definite proof I didn't want the thoughts. I think you might be correct that you're subconsciously testing your anxiety.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 24w

@nae nae It’ll get better, I hope. :) I’ll have to bring this up in therapy because it was honestly frightening. It felt like I wanted the thoughts to be there because I just let them run wild, since I wasn’t feeling anxious. The anxiety never came, and then I started to worry. I hate how confusing these compulsions can be. I was so stressed about this yesterday until I realized that interacting with these thoughts due to a lack of anxiety was probably a compulsion of some sort. I genuinely thought I was beginning to accept that I had no boundaries.

nae nae

Date posted: 24w

@issphra 🫶🏻 I hate that you're struggling with this, but I'm also glad that you made this post. I wouldn't have considered that it could be a compulsion. They're so sneaky... We'll get through this! 🩷

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 24w

@nae nae I’m glad I’m not alone 💕, in a way we’re in this together :)

Jesuslover28

Date posted: 25w

Am I normal

So at one point I was glad I was having anxiety/stress about these thoughts but now I feel like something has changed is it normal to not want anxiety and stress even tho it helps me realize these thoughts are not mine. Like the anxiety and stress is doing me no good and it's really messing me up. Is it normal to not want stress and anxiety after awhile or is something wrong with me

lu22

Date posted: 22w

Need advice No therapy and really confused

Has anyone ever felt like they got to a point with ocd where they are numb to everything don’t get anxiety much and feel like they don’t know if they hate the thoughts and don’t know if you would or wouldn’t do those bad things? Or feel like they don’t know if it’s ego dystonic or against your morals because you are so convinced that you are bad? Is this possible? Everyone always says on this app that however bad the thought feels they know deep down they don’t want it but is it possible to be so confused or so into believing ocd that you actually feel like you don’t know? I complain about the thoughts/feelings I get from ocd to my family and they say you don’t want it but it’s convinced me so well I feel like I don’t even know? I don’t even know what I feel if I’m anxious or sad or what i don’t even know. I had this thing where it kept feeling sometimes like I would want to smile or as if I was ‘secretly happy’ about ocd thoughts and that bothered me and this time I was having these ‘stabbing’ intrusive thoughts and I got that same feeling I wanted to smile or was ‘happy’ and then I got this horrible urge feeling when my mum came in the room which felt like I ‘wanted to’ act on the thought and from deliberately imagining the stabbing thought to test my emotional reaction - it felt like ‘I knew how it physically felt to stab someone and liked the feeling/it felt good’ and that tied in with the ‘urge’ feeling felt really real like I actually wanted it and then I was sat there with my mum and I was telling her about it and I even told her I would try testing things by holding a pencil to see if it feels like I ‘want to do it’ as kind of an exposure tactic since I was thinking I was bad or would do it and I held it and obviously nothing happened and I even imaginined the thought while holding the pencil while she was next to me and it never felt like I wanted to do anything or ‘act’ on the thought, after I gave it to her and she put it away and then I we was talking and then I had another bad moment where it felt real (I can’t remember if it was the same day or not) but I was deliberately imagining that thought and then i don’t know but I think I got that weird thing where it feels like I wanted to smile or was secretly happy and I don’t know how if i gave into the compulsion and I think I did smile or maybe I didn’t I can’t remember but that ‘secret happy feeling’ suddenly became amplified and felt like the thought of stabbing someone lots of times suddenly felt like I was happy about it would really enjoy it or like it I can’t explain it but it suddenly felt like a real feeling that I enjoy it and I felt like in those films where the evil person is happy about doing something bad and it felt so extremely real it feels 99 percent like it was my own feeling from inside and I don’t feel the same I feel like there is something wrong with me and I will want to do evil things because now I’ve discovered that there is something ‘good feeling’ about doing that bad thing and I’ve ’realised’ why evil people get a thrill over it like I can’t explain that feeling but I wish I didn’t have it but it feels extremely real like my own feeling and now I’m thinking I definitely can’t be helped and everything is over because I will want to do it almost like the same way someone is ‘lustful’ I will want to do that evil thing because of that feeling of feeling happy over doing evil it’s really bad I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m suddenly evil and my ocd has never felt this bad before. But still I’m not crying I’m not anxious I’m just complaining about it to my mum and family members what do I do. It feels almost like because of that feeling where it felt like I was happy now I would choose to be evil or want to be because it felt happy feeling 🙁🙁 I don’t know what to do I don’t even know what that feeling was and then before I was about to sleep my head is like to me ‘you want to experience that feeling again’ and it feels almost like an urge that I want to experience that feeling or be evil and I don’t know because I feel calm I’ve been having ocd for almost 2-3 years so I feel numb nothing phases me, I had a few sessions of therapy online with NOCD but I stopped it and have never had therapy since now I wish I had been having it because maybe it wouldn’t have got this bad 🙁🙁

Secretidentity

Date posted: 14w

Is no anxiety normal?

My thoughts are here but I have no anxiety. No matter what if I agree with the thoughts it doesn’t give me anxiety. If I think about how not having anxiety means that the thoughts are my truth since I’m not having anxiety. Nothing is giving me anxiety and I don’t know why but I don’t like that it’s not giving me anxiety. Is this normal?

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