Sad

Just feeling down. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin and sad about trauma I went through, also about mistakes I’ve made. I just feel so sad and I want to cry. I just want to talk to God so bad.. or my younger self. I have so many questions:( .. I don’t want to victimize myself, but it hurts. Nobody talks about how gross and disgusting you feel after going through seggsual trauma as a kid, and how it messes up your brain sortve .. I will make something of myself no matter what. I think I will just light some sage and rest.. this isn’t the end. I love this world, it’s such a blessing to be here. No matter the good or bad.. I just need to keep that in mind

Username: BlueberrycowsBlueberrycows

Date posted: Yesterday

You can always reach out to me friend .. you’re a light in so many peoples darkest moments and times and also I’m not trying to make SA a positive thing because as I’ve said to others trauma is trauma and it never should have happened… but you could try and look at it from another prospective… I’m a survivor I didn’t let what happened to me break me and as time goes on I can share my store with other SA survivors and learn and teach new coping skills as time goes on … anyways it’s okay to cry scream and feel your emotions because at the end of the day you’re human and you’re valid and loved … keep tugging on friend I have faith and confidence in you … don’t let your past determine your future

Username: dee012dee012

Date posted: Yesterday

@Blueberrycows Thank you so much friend!! You have been the light to many peoples darkness including mine with this struggle of OCD. I appreciate your kind words. I understand what you are saying. Not letting the bad experience define us, but seeing what we can learn from these things. Obviously, these things should’ve never happened to us, but they did and we can’t change that. Which leaves us with the option of transmuting the negativity into love and light. Healing yourself, your trauma, helping others. Thank you so much once again. I need to acknowledge my feelings more, and let myself know that it is OK to feel. I barely cry. I barely do any sort of release when I am going through things, and I need to start doing so. I am also sorry to hear that you went through something like that, but it is also good to hear that you are learning to let it change you for the better . In a healthy way. 🩷🩷

Username: BlueberrycowsBlueberrycows

Date posted: Yesterday

@dee012 No problem ❤️ I was saying I went through it like saying you survived just to clarify ❤️

Username: dee012dee012

Date posted: Yesterday

@Blueberrycows Ohhh ok! lol sorry. Got confused

Username: BlueberrycowsBlueberrycows

Date posted: Yesterday

@dee012 No problem my friend

Username: nae naenae nae

Date posted: Yesterday

It's perfectly okay to feel down, upset, or hurt about what you went through. Don't invalidate those feelings. There's many times when I've felt the same. I wish I could've been there for my younger self to prevent certain events from happening... It really does leave you with a lot of unnecessary shame. It's embarrassing to admit it, but it took me a long time to realize that what I went through wasn't right. When I did come to that realization, I felt disgusting, tainted, and ruined by all of it. It's an understandable response, but not a pleasant one to experience :( I'm glad you still have hope, despite all of this. That's so important. This trauma does not have to define us. It's only the beginning of our story, and the future that's ahead is definitely much brighter.

Username: dee012dee012

Date posted: Yesterday

@nae nae Thank you so much for your comment nae, today and the past couple of days has been a struggle. It’s hard doing this alone majority of the time as I have therapy once a week for like 45 minutes. I am sorry you have/ and still might feel the same way I do. It’s not a good feeling, but it’s normal to feel down about this stuff. I really do wish I can go back and be there for myself… it makes me so sad. I had no one (obviously I had family, “friends”, but nobody truly knew me, or helped), and I didn’t understand any of these issues I was having and just thought I was a bad kid. Yes ur right, the shame and guilt is a lot. Especially when you don’t really acknowledge what you went through, sortve just let it be and move on. Suppress it I guess? I don’t know if that makes sense. Like as a kid stuff I went through and did I knew was like not okay I guess or weird per se, but never enough to be like “This is NOT RIGHT. Stop”, and it sucks when you have that feeling YEARS down the line, when you can’t even go back and change anything… it’s frustrating. And not pleasant at all lol. I just feel so sad for my younger self, wondering what wouldve happen if someone cared a little more, or if I just maybe spoke up about these issues. It’s hard navigating these feelings, as a part of me blames myself for what I went through, as sad as it is to say. I think I take the blame due to me not being a perfect victim, but someone who also, has hurt others and made mistakes they deeply regret. Thank you once again for your kind words. We all need to have hope. It’s a great thing. I believe we all choose our lives before we come here, knowing what lessons and challenges we are gonna face, and I personally think it would be an insult to my higher self to give up? I think true peace and happiness is overcoming all of this, and still, remaining good. Despite all the hardships. Hopefully that makes sense. Some of Buddha’s teachings mixed in with my own beliefs I’ve developed throughout my life🩷

Username: nae naenae nae

Date posted: Yesterday

@dee012 I'm sorry that you've been sorting through the majority of this by yourself. You're strong, Dee. Not being the perfect victim... Oof, I totally relate to that, and to everything else you said above, honestly. Can't count the number of times I've cycled through those exact thoughts. Also... That's a beautiful way to view it. That we choose our lives before coming here. Thank you for sharing those beliefs with me. It's surprisingly brought me a lot of comfort 🤍

Username: nsimba184nsimba184

Date posted: Yesterday

Hey fellow Christian here. Dealing with OCD and POCD after I was traumatised from coming across CP and also being a COCSA Victim before that. You can absolutely talk to God about this. He knows you and isn’t disgusted with you . As I’ve begin to heal this , I realised these intrusive thoughts are not mine , they’re not apart of me even though I deal with the reassurance seeking , anxiety etc I’ve been learning to seperate myself from those thoughts. They’re unwanted thoughts I acknowledge they’re there, not react and let it go or cast it down like the Word of God (2 Corinthians 5:17) says because it isn’t me thinking those it’s like an unwanted YouTube video being played randomly even though you didn’t click anything. I don’t want to make it sound easy because it’s not , it takes a lot of exposing yourself to the trigger but as you continue gradually practice it out you’ll see it’s much better

Username: dee012dee012

Date posted: Yesterday

@nsimba184 Hello! Thank you so much for your comment :) I am not religious(strictly following one religion) but I do have my own personal relationship with God and my own spiritual path in life, but sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to connect with my higher self, (God), due to my past mistakes, trauma I went through, and also ever since I’ve been dealing with OCD.. it just feels like im tainted. And also, OCD targets my spirituality, so it’s hard to even sit and speak with God. I get so distracted, I get frustrated, and I also feel disconnected. Just unworthy of anything good in life. But God wouldn’t want me feeling like that, my younger self wouldn’t want me feeling like that. Thank you so much for that bible verse. It helps a lot. I am not my past, and I don’t need to loathe in guilt and shame forever. Ocd is just a bully and I am not my thoughts either. Your comment is much appreciated during these times of struggle. I wish you the best 🩷

Username: TiredddTireddd

Date posted: Yesterday

I totally understand how you feel, i feel like i lost things from my childhood and adolescence because of that. I don't like the idea of relationships now, it's the least i want to think about. The only certainty i have in these difficult times is that i miss those moments when i didn't have that trauma, it was just... Life. It was beautiful. I can't remember my child self without crying, i miss her, she was an entirely different person

Username: dee012dee012

Date posted: Yesterday

@Tireddd Me too:( I miss when I was just a kid. Whether I was actually happy or not, or miserable, atleast I was in the present moment you know… I just miss being little. I feel like I failed her :( but she was failed… so I dunno I’m really sorry you feel this way also. It sucks, I know. But thank you for ur comment. It helps a lot knowing I’m not alone. We will get through this

Username: BigGyro09

Date posted: 23w ago

Addiction makes me really sad and defeated 21+only

I was exposed to pornography at a young age and it messed me up pretty badly. I don't even know how it really happened, I just do happened to find it one day. I didn't realize all of the damage it was doing to me and my life until I became an adult. It's still bothering me a lot and there were still moments where I couldn't stop my behaviors even if I wanted to. I've hurt myself because of my sex addiction and I've been trying to stop doing this to myself for a long time now. There are some harm related issues the I still see and remember and it makes me really upset. I just ended up tearing up because I just wish this didn't have to happen. I just wish I didn't get so hooked on this. I just wish someone could have told me what I was getting into at that age. I'm always anxious, worried about my health, and concerned about my addiction and if it will ever go away. I just want to go back to a time where I didn't have to worry about this along with OCD. This is why I feel like my adult life isn't going too well: It's always because of these problems that I've been dealing with for years. Recently, I've been able to stop because I didn't want my sleep and anxiety to be affected, but they still bother me in the form of thoughts and mess me up. I just regret so many things that I can remember. The things I've watched, the things I've done to myself, the things I've done to other people. I try to tell myself that I should just be kind to myself and do my best to move past this. It can work but there are days like this where I just can't shake the pain. I just know now that I didn't deserve that and that I deserved better. Same goes for everyone that goes through this too. I just long for how things used to be because I'm not exactly happy with how things are now. I want to just accept that I didn't know better and I was curious and did my best to just get through the times, but there are days where I just can't. I guess it's because all of this stuff still exists in my life today. I just want to find a way to beat it. I envision the life I want for myself and it's not this. It's not holding myself back to this addiction and it's definitely not treating myself in a way that says I don't deserve that. I guess what hurts me so much about this is that I never thought I would have this kind of problem in my life. I thought I was understanding to not be so caught up in problematic fields like this. Pornography, relationships, and sex overall was never something I was really talked to about. It just seemed like stuff I figured out the best I could at the time. I don't think I really have relationships figured out still because I just don't have experience with it all.

Username: Imnew@this

Date posted: 23w ago

Today was rough…

+18 TRIGGER WARNING I’ve been trying not to post as much on here, but it’s been a rough time facing these thoughts on my own. I’ve been trying to force myself to move on and not take my thoughts so seriously but it’s hard not to sit with them. Basically, to try to cope, I’ve been watching expose videos on internet drama and those who have been “cancelled”. Sometimes, though, it can just get to be too overwhelming as I start comparing myself with the people in these videos and I just want to cry because I’m just so disgusted with myself. I’m starting to question what’s real or not, if I’ve hurt people in the past or not, and separating my thoughts from my actions. I don’t trust myself anymore. I can’t find happiness in anything. I just keep pushing my friends and family away because every little thing triggers me. Sleep is the only time that I can find peace. Because then, I know that I’m not hurting anyone—including myself.

Username: sick&tired

Date posted: 21w ago

What if I don’t deserve..

A good life, success, healing, beautiful things? ⚠️ Important: please don’t read if this is triggering. No one should think this way about themselves, of course you deserve it all. I struggle with real events and harm OCD. My worst fear is being a bad person, causing harm or doing the wrong thing. These thoughts haunt me all the time and cause me to essentially throw my life away. I don’t go out, pursue opportunities, etc. because what if I don’t deserve them? I think of the worst things I’ve ever done all the time. The things that I’m most ashamed of. Like a broken record that’s all I replay in my head. Doesn’t matter if it was 5 or 10 years ago. And I beat myself up for not doing better. And I just don’t know how to move past it. I’ve read a lot of quotes and books about self help and love and acceptance (e.g. once you know better, do better). But for me I feel like I have to hate myself forever. I won’t ever get a clean slate, there’s a permanent stain on my record. I just can’t forgive myself, whether other people know it or not, I can’t allow myself to move forward. It’s about integrity for me. Does anyone relate? How do you do it? I’m so sorry if you’re also struggling. I don’t wish this for anyone. Please keep fighting, you’re not alone. ❤️

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