panicking so bad

I want to rip out my uterus. Only my hormones can make my OCD and ability to manage it go back to square one. I am spiraling *so* hard. I cannot breathe. My PMDD is going crazy. I’m having a panic attack again. I feel so scared. The POCD is going absolutely insane right now. It feels undeniably real, and my mind keeps drifting to those awful thoughts and what feels like exploring them?? but I can’t for the life of me stop some of these compulsions right now. I was trying to watch something to get my mind off of this but ended up getting triggered twice, so my anxiety is a 10 and I can’t seem to calm down. This panic attack is tuned all the way up.

Dalia H.

Date posted: 17d ago

Hi, I am so so so so sorry you’re going through this. I know that when the panic sets in, it feels like such an immediate threat and nothing else matters anymore. In times like these you really really can’t trust your brain and you have to find a way to get out of your mind, as hard as that is. You have to find a way to get grounded in the real world when your mind feels like such a scary place. If possible, is there anything you can do right now that can “shock” you into focusing on the real, tangible present reality in front of you, rather than the chaos inside your head? A cold shower, splashing your face under the sink with cold water, going for a walk or run outside, or even trying to go to sleep (as a form of escapism)?

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 17d ago

@Dalia H. Your comment gave me an idea, I forced myself to play cooking fever lol and it really, *really* grounded me for some reason. I couldn’t ruminate at all during it and it was an unexpected life saver. Thank you so much 💗

Dalia H.

Date posted: 17d ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 OMG I LOVE COOKING FEVER😭😭🙏🏻🙏🏻i’ve never met anyone else who plays this game

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 17d ago

@Dalia H. I used to play more back in high school lol but I just started a new fresh game yesterday when I replied. Unfortunately it’s not working too much today to keep me from ruminating but to be fair, it’s the first day of my period and usually it’s the worst day in my cycle OCD wise. You should try playing to slow rumination lol it’s kinda nice :)

Happy potato

Date posted: 17d ago

I understand what you’re feeling! I was panicking last night over similar topics. You don’t need to try to stop the thoughts and feelings. They can just be there. You can’t “problem solve” a thought or feeling.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 17d ago

@Anonymous I was trying to stop the ruminating because when it gets bad my compulsions feel like I’m trying to stop a train with my hand 🥲

charlotte.23

Date posted: 17d ago

i’m so sorry to hear you were feeling like this. i definitely relate to feeling like your anxiety is at a 10 and there’s no way to bring it down. i’ve found nocds sos feature quite helpful for these moments (the life buoy ring at the bottom right of the screen). i only found it recently but i like it so far, it makes you slow down and you can listen to a therapy audio and learn to sit with the anxiety while it passes. might be worth a try? :))

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 17d ago

@charlotte.23 I’ve tried it, I think maybe it has that ocean wave sound thing (maybe I’m thinking of another app) but it does wonders to soothe my crying. Apart from that, I kinda keep spiraling but thank you for sharing, i really appreciate it 🤍

Kay_buni

Date posted: 23w ago

POCD has taken over my life for the past years.

POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

POCD

hopefulxmess

Date posted: 15w ago

Mama struggling with a bad flare up pls help

I’m going through a really bad flare up. I developed ocd many years ago when I had my first child. Postpartum ocd. I suffer from harm and pocd. At first I had mostly mental and some physical compulsions but the physical faded away pretty early on and i’ve just done mental compulsions since. My ocd was in remission for alot of years and if the ocd would pop up now and again, I was easily able to shrug it off and not engage. A few years ago I went through a stressful time in my life and the ocd came back to stay. At first it was bad but then it got better and has been pretty mild until now. It’s been really bad this week and the physical compulsions are even back. I never thought it would ever get this bad again. My ocd is making me doubt who I am and how I feel. I know it’s all ocd and not real or true but the ocd makes it feel so real that I can’t easily dismiss or disprove it. The more I try to disprove it the more real the ocd makes it feel. I’m really struggling and don’t know how to get back on track. I don’t have access to a therapist because there are no ocd specialists near me and my insurance doesn’t cover online therapy. That’s why i’m reaching out here. Has anyone been through a rough relapse? How can I get through and past this??

hopefulxmess

Date posted: 14w ago

Struggling mama losing hope

I’ve been dealing with a really bad flare up the last 2 weeks and i’ve been dealing with ocd on and off for years. I was finally feeling better today, So of course my ocd decided to bring up an old intrusive thought that was really upsetting and now i’m stuck on it again. The reason why I struggle so much to conquer my ocd is because I developed ocd as postpartum so my ocd targets my kids, the ones that mean everything to me. The intrusive thoughts range from mild to really disturbing. While I know deep down the intrusive thoughts aren’t true or me, the ocd makes it feel SO real and true which makes me feel like I HAVE to disprove the thoughts and with confidence but the ocd won’t let me. It also makes me question analyze and judge everything I do. It’s an endless cycle of pain and I just want to be a mom without ocd telling me i’m a horrible person all day every day. 😪

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panicking so bad

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