issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: Yesterday

I’m freaking out please help

I don’t know if my hormones are extra wild this month or what, but I have been having so many POCD thoughts lately. It feels like I enjoy them in the moment, and then a few seconds later, I get this tiny flicker of *wait I don’t think I actually want to enjoy that.* It’s scaring me a lot. I was watching adult videos for the first time in about a year, since I had been avoiding them because of my OCD. I know they are not good for anyone, but I felt like i could (ironically it felt like a tiny win that my OCD had calmed down enough). But while watching, I had like 3 separate POCD thoughts. And it felt like I liked them. Like genuinely *liked* them. I don’t know if maybe my body was mixing up physical pleasure and mental pleasure, and then my brain inserted those not okay thoughts into the situation, which got tangled up with the pleasure responses I felt mentally and physically. It is all really confusing. I just feel so scared. I know OCD thoughts are supposed to feel real, and that once you get desensitized to the anxiety, they lose their power. But this feels like I am *actually enjoying* the thoughts, and that makes me want to cry. I’m scared that I actually like these thoughts when I’m really aroused :( Please help.

needtoescape...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

OCD makes it feel like you really want/enjoy what the thoughts are saying. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I know it feels horrible. I have violent intrusive thoughts sometimes, and it feels like I really want to do those things, and I feel evil. OCD is the worst. I know it's really scary, but try not to push the thoughts away. What I do is try to think of OCD as a separate person, and that somewhat helps- because those thoughts aren't you, they're OCD. OCD is like a really strange, annoying, generally unpleasant roommate who shouts unusual and questionable things at you from the other room. I know it's a weird method, but it kinda works. Let me know if it helps!

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 22h ago

@needtoescapetheV0ID It usually works for me too, this time it just felt so insanely real. Maybe this is a bit tmi but the certain sub topic of video I was watching can be very easily twisted by OCD :( thank you for commenting it means a lot to me. I just haven’t been able to shake this rumination all day.

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

It’s important to keep in mind that feeling like you enjoy the thoughts is classic OCD and a lot of people experience this. Your brain confuses your attention to the thoughts with enjoyment of them and can simulate a feeling of pleasure. It’s also very easy to confuse your feelings and think you are enjoying thoughts when in reality you may just be experiencing a different feeling that almost feels like enjoyment. Another thing is sometimes shocking thoughts cause feelings of curiosity or a brief feeling of intrigue that can be mistaken for enjoyment. By the way, this is an instinctual response. Our brains are naturally curious about things that are forbidden. And it says nothing about us as people. I’m not saying that’s what’s going on just highlighting some possibilities. Plus the context is really important here, when you are watching adult videos you are going to have some feelings, and it’s very easy to have certain thoughts while you have those feelings and assume there is a connection between them even if there isn’t. Regardless, just keep in mind you don’t owe your OCD an explanation for what you are feeling. The moment you explain yourself to it, it will shift the focus to something else and try to get you to solve it. That’s unfortunately just how OCD operates. You got this, just try your best to not analyze these feelings. With OCD there is no debate to be had. No answer will ever be enough for it. Once you stop engaging, the thoughts will naturally lose their power

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 22h ago

@andrewt_ It’s crazy that you mention the feelings of curiosity being mistaken for enjoyment because even though that is not what happened today, it happened yesterday. EXACTLY that happened yesterday and it made me sob. Thank you so so much for mentioning that because at least now I know what happened yesterday. Forgive me if this is tmi, but it was a video about daddy kink stuff, and I know I know it’s just a power dynamic thing but my fear has always been that I confuse it for actual adult-children. I think maybe just maybe I was enjoying the dynamic and OCD came along and inserted thoughts of an actual kid and because I enjoyed the dynamic it felt like I enjoyed the kid thoughts and because the kink thing can be so easily twisted by ocd into some sort of indication of pedophilia, it felt insanely real. I don’t know. I know I probably seem hard headed and dumb for trying to figure this out but it’s been eating at me all day. Andrew, thank you sincerely for taking the time to write all of this and give me a different perspective. It always means so so much to me 🩵

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 4h ago

@andrewt_ I’m sorry for writing again but I am just suffocating with guilt right now over the thoughts and curious feeling. I feel so awful, I keep heading into panic attacks and I don’t know how to stop panicking

andrewt_

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 36m ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 I’m so sorry you’re feeling guilty about the curiosity but it’s so important to keep in mind that it’s a completely automatic response that you have no control over. It’s the brain that is naturally curious about things that are forbidden, not necessarily the person themselves. And it could be anything that is considered off limits. Like driving past a car accident and looking at what happened. That’s another way curiosity manifests. It doesn’t mean you enjoy these things it just means your brain sometimes puts its attention towards things that are taboo. It’s part of being human and says nothing about you as a person. If we didn’t experience that curiosity in some form every now and then we wouldn’t be human. You aren’t feeling guilty because you have a reason to, you’re feeling guilty because you have OCD. Experiencing a slight burst of curiosity in certain situations doesn’t mean you actually like these things or that there’s something deep and meaningful about that feeling, it just means you have a working brain that scans your thoughts/surroundings for things to focus on. I hope you feel better. Just know you aren’t the only one who experiences these feelings

moon027097

Date posted: Yesterday

sorry that you're dealing with this :( it sounds like OCD inserted some unpleasant intrusive thoughts during a pleasurable moment and OCD is now trying to make it seem like those feelings are tied to the intrusive thoughts. i know how scary it can be because i've experienced something similar. i like what the above user said about thinking of OCD as an annoying roommate. it makes if feel a little less scary. don't be too harsh on yourself 🫂

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 22h ago

@moon027097 I have such a hard time remembering or convincing myself it’s OCD and not my own thoughts :( I’m relieved I’m not alone and I’m so sorry you’ve experienced the same. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. This feels genuinely so worry inducing. I’m still crying over this. I feel so defeated

moon027097

Date posted: 17h ago

@issphra 🫶🏻 im really sorry you're struggling like this. OCD can be so convincing and it's terrifying sometimes so it makes sense that this is making you upset. i think it goes to show that these thoughts you've experienced don't indicate anything about your true character or desires. that's important to remember. also remember that OCD defies logic and that no amount of analysis or reviewing this is going to be enough for OCD. and that thoughts are just thoughts, not facts. i try to to keep this in mind in moments like this. its still not easy, but helps to ground me sometimes. sending strength and support!!🫶🏽

mauricethewo...

Date posted: Yesterday

Hang in there! In your last post you had mentioned being tortured by your perceived lack or morality and feeing like you are only avoiding living out your fears due to self-preservation. I struggle with the exact same theme and obsessions. I try to remember this and it seems to help: Even if you are doing the right thing for the wrong reasons, it’s still the right thing. Maybe over time the motivation behind the actions will begin to shift to something that comes from a more genuine and self-evident place.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 22h ago

@mauricethewombat I need to hear that. Thank you, really 🤍. Thank you for being here again.

Kay_buni

Date posted: 24w ago

POCD has taken over my life for the past years.

POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

POCD

nae nae

Date posted: 15w ago

I'm sorry. Just need to vent. :(

This might contain triggering content, but I'm also wondering if others have dealt with this similar thought, and if so, how to deal with it? Overall, I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm able to eat again, which I hadn't been able to do because of how much anxiety I'd been experiencing. I'm spending time around loved ones and not just rotting in my room, and I've been able to wake up without immediately being bombarded by intrusive thoughts. When things first got really bad, I'd wake my mom up every night for reassurance, but I haven't done that in a while either. I'm really proud of myself, but there's still this nagging thought in my mind... While looking through others posts on here, hoping to find advice that'd fit my situation, I ended up making things worse. Someone mentioned how they had a fear that they'd purposely search for illegal content (related to POCD). I panicked, and "what ifs" flooded my thoughts. "What if the intrusive thoughts affect who I am as a person, and I do that?" I'm terrified that I'll search for those things, which I know means I wouldn't do it. But then, another person on here said they'd actually looked for those things, and that freaked me out even more. Does that mean it's possible for that to happen to me? I don't want to do that, but I keep having intrusive thoughts surrounding it. I've been doing so well these past few days. I'm just... stuck. I don't know what to do. I've spoken with other people who have the same fears, but how do I manage this? It's not something I've even thought about before seeing those posts. I've been practicing accepting the uncertainty, but I'm really struggling with this one. I hate this. This morning, I woke up, and the intrusive thoughts were back. It's just disheartening.

andrea_sam730

Date posted: 12w ago

Self pleasure and intrusive thoughts :/

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh

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I’m freaking out please help

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