Anyone struggling with hocd going through this: growing up (18 now) I've never had a boyfriend or even my first kiss. I'm super awkward with that type of stuff for some reason and just don't know why. So any opportunity of having a serious boyfriend I was always uncomfortable and said no. That also had to do with me not liking my body and thinking that a guy would find it super ugly and unlovable. So with that being said I'm afraid I'm a lesbian or bi and like I don't find boys attractive anymore. I'm scared cause I want to be with a guy but I'm afraid I'll never find a guy I want to be with and find out in the long run I'm a lesbian or something. I don't want to be with girls but ocd is kicking me in my ass. Telling me that only girls are attractive, picking apart anything I find attractive on a guy and it makes me sad. Also sorry for the tmi but I'm afraid I won't find a penis attractive and that's that and I'm lesbian. I know I have to accept the unknown but I'm truly terrified cause of my past that it is set that I'm bi or lesbian and just was too stupid to know it.

poprocks1

Date posted: 5y ago

I know exactly what you are going through, I am dealing with the same thing although I have kissed guys and enjoyed it. I’ve always been really self conscious and nervous about being intimate with guys my brain will start with questions like “what if you are a bad kisser, what if he thinks you are ugly, what if you hook-up with him and it’s bad and he tells all of his friends.” These what if questions have prevented me from doing anything, my ocd convinced me that I was ugly and that I would never find someone, then I got a nose job and felt better about myself. I was still nervous about guys because of my root fear of being vulnerable/intimate and then my ocd was like “oh you must be asexual or you must be gay.” What is really going on is my anxiety is about being intimate and my ocd is turning into something it is not, that is why it is called the doubting disease.

Ridethewave

Date posted: 5y ago

OMG GIRL YES! THAT'S LITTERALLY ME! Intimacy, closeness, vulnerability, reliability scares me ? it's a slow process to overcome but we can do it ??

poprocks1

Date posted: 5y ago

Also, I’ve always had crushes on guys and I’ve also done the same thing, been self conscious or just friend zoned them because it was safer than being vulnerable. I’ve not once questioned my sexuality and have always been obsessed with boys and fantasizing about being with them but the OCD goes into doubt mode and says “well why haven’t you actually taken the jump and been intimate- there must be something wrong with you???” I am a horseback rider and I think about it like this: when I was really young I was so afraid of falling off the horse- like paralyzing anxiety- once I fell off, I realized I was ok and I kept riding and loved it. The same thing comes with intimacy and vulnerability- even if things go south/ you are self conscious about yourself, the world is not going to end, you will get through it . This is still something I am working on. Your anxiety wants to prevent you from doing things that bring you joy in your life- and the OCD just makes you obsess over it and takes it to a whole new level.

Ridethewave

Date posted: 5y ago

@meg1234 YES YES YES, the ending was perfect. My bf is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I enjoy being intimate with him, but the thing is, there's still a part of me that's uncomfortable and wants to pull away. So. My brain kept telling me "you gotta leave him , you gotta leave him, you gotta leave him, something bad is gonna happen, leave" and I didn't know why so it made me feel very guilty. And then my brain malfunctioned and completely went bananas. So here we are ??‍♀️??‍♀️

poprocks1

Date posted: 5y ago

@NocturnalGyal Yep! The ocd will always question something so we have to get to the root of it and tackle it head on!

honorroll1

Date posted: 5y ago

@LinaD10 Yes Im 23 and just had my first kiss when i was 21. Ive still not had a boyfriend or been on a date yet. Im extremely awkward and uncomfortable still too. I feel the exact same way about everything you said down to the T. But it is really is HOCD. We got this. I always tell myself "Yea right hocd haha if you say so". That helps me and ive been going at least a couple of days without a trigger. Until now.

Ridethewave

Date posted: 5y ago

Growing up I was an ugly ass girl. My step sister was always getting guys because she was the pretty one, I was more Tom boyish, awkward, chubby, and just really low self esteem. I thought no guy would want me because at every school dance, no guy would ask me to dance and would ask my sister instead :/ I was never really that boy crazy either until grade 8/9 and then highschool I kind of glowed up and the attention I received was very exciting ?? however, before high school, I was a heavy loner. I had absolutely no friends, I didn't want to get close to anyone. (which is my proof for HOCD lmao makes no sense but wtv, along with childhood Expirementation which I'm still trying to understand is normal but I can't seem to accept that for some reason ??) during high school I had no boyfriends, they all seemed immature, and I never liked commitment (how mature of me lol). But ofc, this is what feuls my HOCD. I did question my sexuality once before my current relationship. But I was quick and simple. I said, that ain't me lol, and moved on. During 10-12th grade leading up to when I got my current bf, my attraction to men GREW SO MUCH MORE and that eventually feuled my ROCD ? which then morphed in HOCD and TOCD temporarily (thank God). But yes. That's my struggle :)

Ridethewave

Date posted: 5y ago

I would also add that I did have crushes during elementary school but I was so shy I felt like a fool for even thinking I could get with them ?

LiaExe28

Date posted: 15w ago

Pats crush groinal response

Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off

Elliesmith

Date posted: 13w ago

Is this a symptom of soocd

I’m 25 and never ever thought this before my soocd relapse. I have a bf of 5 years. Never been a high libido kinda girl. Don’t get me wrong I do get turned on by my bf but not like every day you know? - That had always been in the back of my head, is this normal and ok? But my ocd has latched onto the most scariest what if EVER. My brain is now saying How do you know you won’t prefer to sleep and kiss girls if you haven’t tried it: and it’s that unknown that is scaring the shit out of me. I DONT AND NEVER HAVE wanted to sleep / kiss a girl. But now my intrusive thoughts is all I think about!!! I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want??? So why does my brain think BUT WHAT IF??? I know ocd thrives off uncertainty which is why I think this is happening? But I don’t wanna find out or work it out because all I want is to be with my bf and marry him!! Is this just the epitome of OCD?

Mt2019

Date posted: 11w ago

Question about HOCD

Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please

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