- Username
- Lina
- Date posted
- 5y ago
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- Username
- poprocks1poprocks1
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I know exactly what you are going through, I am dealing with the same thing although I have kissed guys and enjoyed it. I’ve always been really self conscious and nervous about being intimate with guys my brain will start with questions like “what if you are a bad kisser, what if he thinks you are ugly, what if you hook-up with him and it’s bad and he tells all of his friends.” These what if questions have prevented me from doing anything, my ocd convinced me that I was ugly and that I would never find someone, then I got a nose job and felt better about myself. I was still nervous about guys because of my root fear of being vulnerable/intimate and then my ocd was like “oh you must be asexual or you must be gay.” What is really going on is my anxiety is about being intimate and my ocd is turning into something it is not, that is why it is called the doubting disease.
- Username
- Ridethewave Ridethewave
- Date posted
- 5y ago
OMG GIRL YES! THAT'S LITTERALLY ME! Intimacy, closeness, vulnerability, reliability scares me ? it's a slow process to overcome but we can do it ??
- Username
- poprocks1poprocks1
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Also, I’ve always had crushes on guys and I’ve also done the same thing, been self conscious or just friend zoned them because it was safer than being vulnerable. I’ve not once questioned my sexuality and have always been obsessed with boys and fantasizing about being with them but the OCD goes into doubt mode and says “well why haven’t you actually taken the jump and been intimate- there must be something wrong with you???” I am a horseback rider and I think about it like this: when I was really young I was so afraid of falling off the horse- like paralyzing anxiety- once I fell off, I realized I was ok and I kept riding and loved it. The same thing comes with intimacy and vulnerability- even if things go south/ you are self conscious about yourself, the world is not going to end, you will get through it . This is still something I am working on. Your anxiety wants to prevent you from doing things that bring you joy in your life- and the OCD just makes you obsess over it and takes it to a whole new level.
- Username
- Ridethewave Ridethewave
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@meg1234 YES YES YES, the ending was perfect. My bf is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I enjoy being intimate with him, but the thing is, there's still a part of me that's uncomfortable and wants to pull away. So. My brain kept telling me "you gotta leave him , you gotta leave him, you gotta leave him, something bad is gonna happen, leave" and I didn't know why so it made me feel very guilty. And then my brain malfunctioned and completely went bananas. So here we are ??♀️??♀️
- Username
- poprocks1poprocks1
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@NocturnalGyal Yep! The ocd will always question something so we have to get to the root of it and tackle it head on!
- Username
- honorroll1honorroll1
- Date posted
- 5y ago
@LinaD10 Yes Im 23 and just had my first kiss when i was 21. Ive still not had a boyfriend or been on a date yet. Im extremely awkward and uncomfortable still too. I feel the exact same way about everything you said down to the T. But it is really is HOCD. We got this. I always tell myself "Yea right hocd haha if you say so". That helps me and ive been going at least a couple of days without a trigger. Until now.
- Username
- Ridethewave Ridethewave
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Growing up I was an ugly ass girl. My step sister was always getting guys because she was the pretty one, I was more Tom boyish, awkward, chubby, and just really low self esteem. I thought no guy would want me because at every school dance, no guy would ask me to dance and would ask my sister instead :/ I was never really that boy crazy either until grade 8/9 and then highschool I kind of glowed up and the attention I received was very exciting ?? however, before high school, I was a heavy loner. I had absolutely no friends, I didn't want to get close to anyone. (which is my proof for HOCD lmao makes no sense but wtv, along with childhood Expirementation which I'm still trying to understand is normal but I can't seem to accept that for some reason ??) during high school I had no boyfriends, they all seemed immature, and I never liked commitment (how mature of me lol). But ofc, this is what feuls my HOCD. I did question my sexuality once before my current relationship. But I was quick and simple. I said, that ain't me lol, and moved on. During 10-12th grade leading up to when I got my current bf, my attraction to men GREW SO MUCH MORE and that eventually feuled my ROCD ? which then morphed in HOCD and TOCD temporarily (thank God). But yes. That's my struggle :)
- Username
- Ridethewave Ridethewave
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I would also add that I did have crushes during elementary school but I was so shy I felt like a fool for even thinking I could get with them ?
Related posts
- Username
- Idk
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I’m so afraid I might be lesbian. I was very anxious at first but it started to calm down. I’m only 15 and I have a boyfriend I love. At least I think I do, I always chose to question everything and over analyze. I found out about hocd and it described everything I was feeling. I’d take test and read articles like “am I lesbian” but I have never fantasied a girl or wanted to be with a girl sexually or romantically. But what if I’m in denial? I do think girls are physically attractive but I never crushed on a girl. I have always crushed on boys. And liked being with them. I’m just so lost. My anxiety about it had calmed down. But the question is still there sometimes. Earlier today, I found a girl pretty and I got scared thinking that meant something. Then I read about women who have married men, but they know they’re lesbian. I’m scared that that’ll Happen to me. I don’t want to be lesbian. No disrespect. But I just want to be happy. I think I’ve suffered from ocd before. Tell me anyone if I’m wrong. But I used to have thoughts of that my boyfriend would murder me in the future because of theses videos that triggered me. It caused me so much pain and felt so real. That I eventually started to think I’d murder my mom and sister for no reason. I felt so helpless. But I got through it. I hope I get through this. Please any advice? Is this hocd?? Does anyone else feel this way?
- Username
- anotherocd123
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.
- Username
- hlm2
- Date posted
- 2y ago
Hocd
So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?
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