Anyone struggling with hocd going through this: growing up (18 now) I've never had a boyfriend or even my first kiss. I'm super awkward with that type of stuff for some reason and just don't know why. So any opportunity of having a serious boyfriend I was always uncomfortable and said no. That also had to do with me not liking my body and thinking that a guy would find it super ugly and unlovable. So with that being said I'm afraid I'm a lesbian or bi and like I don't find boys attractive anymore. I'm scared cause I want to be with a guy but I'm afraid I'll never find a guy I want to be with and find out in the long run I'm a lesbian or something. I don't want to be with girls but ocd is kicking me in my ass. Telling me that only girls are attractive, picking apart anything I find attractive on a guy and it makes me sad. Also sorry for the tmi but I'm afraid I won't find a penis attractive and that's that and I'm lesbian. I know I have to accept the unknown but I'm truly terrified cause of my past that it is set that I'm bi or lesbian and just was too stupid to know it.

poprocks1

Date posted: 5y

I know exactly what you are going through, I am dealing with the same thing although I have kissed guys and enjoyed it. I’ve always been really self conscious and nervous about being intimate with guys my brain will start with questions like “what if you are a bad kisser, what if he thinks you are ugly, what if you hook-up with him and it’s bad and he tells all of his friends.” These what if questions have prevented me from doing anything, my ocd convinced me that I was ugly and that I would never find someone, then I got a nose job and felt better about myself. I was still nervous about guys because of my root fear of being vulnerable/intimate and then my ocd was like “oh you must be asexual or you must be gay.” What is really going on is my anxiety is about being intimate and my ocd is turning into something it is not, that is why it is called the doubting disease.

Ridethewave

Date posted: 5y

OMG GIRL YES! THAT'S LITTERALLY ME! Intimacy, closeness, vulnerability, reliability scares me ? it's a slow process to overcome but we can do it ??

poprocks1

Date posted: 5y

Also, I’ve always had crushes on guys and I’ve also done the same thing, been self conscious or just friend zoned them because it was safer than being vulnerable. I’ve not once questioned my sexuality and have always been obsessed with boys and fantasizing about being with them but the OCD goes into doubt mode and says “well why haven’t you actually taken the jump and been intimate- there must be something wrong with you???” I am a horseback rider and I think about it like this: when I was really young I was so afraid of falling off the horse- like paralyzing anxiety- once I fell off, I realized I was ok and I kept riding and loved it. The same thing comes with intimacy and vulnerability- even if things go south/ you are self conscious about yourself, the world is not going to end, you will get through it . This is still something I am working on. Your anxiety wants to prevent you from doing things that bring you joy in your life- and the OCD just makes you obsess over it and takes it to a whole new level.

Ridethewave

Date posted: 5y

@meg1234 YES YES YES, the ending was perfect. My bf is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I enjoy being intimate with him, but the thing is, there's still a part of me that's uncomfortable and wants to pull away. So. My brain kept telling me "you gotta leave him , you gotta leave him, you gotta leave him, something bad is gonna happen, leave" and I didn't know why so it made me feel very guilty. And then my brain malfunctioned and completely went bananas. So here we are ??‍♀️??‍♀️

poprocks1

Date posted: 5y

@NocturnalGyal Yep! The ocd will always question something so we have to get to the root of it and tackle it head on!

honorroll1

Date posted: 5y

@LinaD10 Yes Im 23 and just had my first kiss when i was 21. Ive still not had a boyfriend or been on a date yet. Im extremely awkward and uncomfortable still too. I feel the exact same way about everything you said down to the T. But it is really is HOCD. We got this. I always tell myself "Yea right hocd haha if you say so". That helps me and ive been going at least a couple of days without a trigger. Until now.

Ridethewave

Date posted: 5y

Growing up I was an ugly ass girl. My step sister was always getting guys because she was the pretty one, I was more Tom boyish, awkward, chubby, and just really low self esteem. I thought no guy would want me because at every school dance, no guy would ask me to dance and would ask my sister instead :/ I was never really that boy crazy either until grade 8/9 and then highschool I kind of glowed up and the attention I received was very exciting ?? however, before high school, I was a heavy loner. I had absolutely no friends, I didn't want to get close to anyone. (which is my proof for HOCD lmao makes no sense but wtv, along with childhood Expirementation which I'm still trying to understand is normal but I can't seem to accept that for some reason ??) during high school I had no boyfriends, they all seemed immature, and I never liked commitment (how mature of me lol). But ofc, this is what feuls my HOCD. I did question my sexuality once before my current relationship. But I was quick and simple. I said, that ain't me lol, and moved on. During 10-12th grade leading up to when I got my current bf, my attraction to men GREW SO MUCH MORE and that eventually feuled my ROCD ? which then morphed in HOCD and TOCD temporarily (thank God). But yes. That's my struggle :)

Ridethewave

Date posted: 5y

I would also add that I did have crushes during elementary school but I was so shy I felt like a fool for even thinking I could get with them ?

Elliesmith

Date posted: 25w

Is this a symptom of soocd

I’m 25 and never ever thought this before my soocd relapse. I have a bf of 5 years. Never been a high libido kinda girl. Don’t get me wrong I do get turned on by my bf but not like every day you know? - That had always been in the back of my head, is this normal and ok? But my ocd has latched onto the most scariest what if EVER. My brain is now saying How do you know you won’t prefer to sleep and kiss girls if you haven’t tried it: and it’s that unknown that is scaring the shit out of me. I DONT AND NEVER HAVE wanted to sleep / kiss a girl. But now my intrusive thoughts is all I think about!!! I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want??? So why does my brain think BUT WHAT IF??? I know ocd thrives off uncertainty which is why I think this is happening? But I don’t wanna find out or work it out because all I want is to be with my bf and marry him!! Is this just the epitome of OCD?

rugirl48!

Date posted: 22w

I am really scared to kiss a guy

I am a 21(female). I have only ever kissed one guy and it was horrible and I cried after. I stress about my sexuality constantly. I only want to be straight and know I want to end up with a man, but picturing it stressed me out and I am so scared to kiss a guy I think about it and get so stressed and cry immediately. I have severe intrusive thoughts about kissing everyone my teachers my best friends and it creeps me out and then I go down a rabbit hole of sexual orientation ocd! If anyone has any tips that might help that would be great. Again I don’t want or think I am gay but being so scared to be intimate with a man starts me down a spiral.

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 17w

Lesbian with Sexual Orientation OCD

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

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