issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12w

I think this is a self reassurance compulsion, idk

Input please. Whenever I have a thought or come across something like news about pedophilia or other awful things, I feel like I try to make it okay in my head. Like I am trying to explain it away, excuse it. And when I look at that from a more compassionate lens, I think maybe I am just trying to process something bad. Maybe I am trying to make something horrific feel a little less horrifying so I can keep existing in a world where it happens. Because the truth is, whenever I hear about something terrible, it does not just go away. I do not have that ability to shove it aside and move on. I have to live with it. I carry it. I live my life alongside these awful things that exist. But then, when I look at it through a different lens, it gets darker. Maybe I am not trying to process something bad. Maybe I am actually trying to justify it. Maybe I am trying to convince myself it is not that bad… because deep down I agree with the people who do it. Or maybe I am afraid that if it were not so stigmatized, I would somehow be okay with it. And that thought worries me. I know that why someone holds moral values is not as important as the fact that they do. I know that what matters is your actions and your commitment to being a good person. It still scares me. I keep asking myself: am I trying to justify something awful just so I can mentally survive it, or am I trying to justify something awful because some part of me agrees with it?

Nica

Date posted: 12w

It’s a compulsion. Instead of ruminating and seeking out reassurance after watching/reading the news about certain things, continue on. If you notice yourself doing a compulsion, immediately stop and go do something productive or fun. You have to break the cycle because you’re so used to it, and sometimes you do have to PHYSICALLY get up and move away if you are stuck in the OCD cycle.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12w

@Nica I am extremely used to so many of my compulsions, I can’t even tell they’re happening more than half the time :/ Thank you for confirming my suspicions and I will physically get away from that space and do something good. I appreciate your words.

Nica

Date posted: 12w

@issphra 🫶🏻 We’ve all been there! It’s hard in the beginning to notice all your compulsions, but you get there step by step. And when you start realizing in the moment you’re doing a compulsion, immediately stop. It’s better to do a compulsion for one minute, realizing you’re doing it, and then stop vs. doing the compulsion continuously.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12w

@Nica I don’t think I can really say I’m in the beginning. I’ve been diagnosed for over half a year. Every single day I find myself doing things that I later realize *might* be compulsions. It was easier to identify and be sure of them a few months ago. Now they feel fully blended to my normal behavior. I really can’t tell anymore and my last therapist told me that I compulsively analyzed compulsions so I have no idea where to go from there. Girl, I feel so lost

Nica

Date posted: 12w

@issphra 🫶🏻 It took me 6 years to fully recover from all my mental illnesses. Healing isn’t linear and we all heal differently.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12w

@Nica I’m glad you’re recovered, seeing you on this app honestly gives me a lot of hope. I’ve seen your older posts too. You really do inspire me to get better. I think I’m just at a low point right now, it only feels like it’s getting more confusing, everything is harder to tell apart. I just feel scared and confused. I hope it passes soon, I’m just worried that *I’m* the one making it worse lol

Nica

Date posted: 12w

@issphra 🫶🏻 I understand! I was pushing back and not doing the things I should’ve done for a while and didn’t help my case at all 😆 But then I realized I have to listen to my therapist and do what he says because I’m way too miserable where I was at/where I was for most of my life. And there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, but only you can get there. Detaching from your mind is really important and that’s why mindfulness/meditation is so highly recommended. So far as we know, humans are the only animal species that has this type of highly workable conscious—and we are smart and stupid at the same time. But you can detach from your mind and observe, not react, and who’s telling you to listen and do whatever your brain is telling you to do? It’s YOUR brain; you aren’t separate from your mind and body. You have personal agency and the detached and concious YOU gets to decide what and what not to do. Because no, you can’t control thoughts or feelings or images, but you can absolutely control your actions and that’s what counts at the end of the day.

Anonimus ME 🦋

Date posted: 12w

@Nica Have you had problems with intrusive feelings, groin, pop-up images? what helped you the most? Sorry to barge in like this, but I love it when I see that someone is getting better and I need any advice? thank you

Nica

Date posted: 12w

@Anonimus ME 🦋 Problems when I wasn’t recovered or now? I don’t have trouble with my OCD anymore unless I’m extremely stressed out, but I don’t ever give into my OCD—just makes things worse. I know what is/isn’t OCD at this point in my life, so it never comes an issue whereas in the past, OCD and PTSD ran my whole life.

Anonimus ME 🦋

Date posted: 12w

@Nica you really give me hope.. The problem while you had ocd I wonder? How did you separate OCD from yourself? I was also once recovered, but I didn't learn the task well and I'm back where I was..

Nica

Date posted: 12w

@Anonimus ME 🦋 I still have OCD—there’s no cure for any mental illnesses or disorder. I learned how to detach through Zen Buddhism practices though I’m not a Buddhist. Mindfulness is so highly recommended and encouraged to practice because there are scientific research that backs its effectiveness. It is a life long lifestyle change. Life has its ups and downs, so there’s a sliding scale of stress and normal life. The more stress and life changes, the more likely your mental illnesses/disorders and even physical ailments will pop up. What matters is how you react.

Anonimus ME 🦋

Date posted: 12w

@Nica thanks, but I'm always overcome by fear..if you've ever seen my posts...I don't know how to learn to react differently...thanks a lot for the advice ❤️

Nica

Date posted: 12w

@Anonimus ME 🦋 Are you seeing a professional? You have to learn to face your fears and move through them.

Anonimus ME 🦋

Date posted: 12w

@Nica I see her, yes, but her advice is always the same, you have to let it all go and not pay attention, to accept it and continue the day... but I can't do that, or maybe it takes more time, I don't even know...

Nica

Date posted: 12w

@Anonimus ME 🦋 Switch OCD therapists if you aren’t being helped.

Anonimus ME 🦋

Date posted: 12w

@Nica there is supposedly no better one... or at least I don't know one...

jaeloljae

Date posted: 12w

i feel like it may be the idea that all humans are complex. and we all hold parts of each other inside ourselves. we are all capable of the same things, good and bad. so i think that’s why i try to justify bad things. like i try to think that no one does something so horrible unless they’ve been through worse or are off drugs or having psychosis. ugh i’m so glad i found this website. i feel a lot less alone.

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12w

@jaeloljae You’re never alone 🤍 I tend to look at it like that too, or I see it as a mistake someone made that they can come back from or that they did it for compulsive reasons. I feel like we forget there are people who choose these things and feel no remorse. We’re nothing like them

Anonimus ME 🦋

Date posted: 12w

hey this happened to me too. I think we would be ok if it wasn't stigmatized, we wouldn't have a problem with it! Because in essence, very high morale is our problem! That's why somewhere we would like it if it were normal for some, we would know that we won't do it and we wouldn't have ocd...

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 12w

@Anonimus ME 🦋 It’s hard to realize that we have very strict morals when our thoughts feel like the opposite. But it all makes sense, yes you’re right

Anonimus ME 🦋

Date posted: 12w

@issphra 🫶🏻 yes that is irony. It's hard for me to understand too, but it definitely makes sense. Because if it wasn't a problem for us, we wouldn't have a problem... we just wouldn't care...

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 25w

Maybe this is obvious but I need some insight pls

There’s something that happens that keeps me stuck in a thought, it’s when I can see some part of myself agreeing with or relating to it in some way. That’s when the doubt creeps in. If I can understand *why* the thought is there, doesn’t that mean it’s not just random? Doesn’t that mean it actually reflects something about me? For example **(TMI/TW)**: I had the thought, *“I wonder what other people’s kinks are (including friends, family, even teenagers).”* And then I caught myself thinking, *“Well, I guess that could be interesting information… maybe I wouldn’t even stop someone from sharing it with me. Does that mean I actually want to know? Wait—does that make me perverted or incestuous for even having this curiosity?”* The same thing has happened with other thoughts, like wondering what someone’s privates might look like. I recognize that, on some level, that could be interesting—but does that mean the thought is truly mine? Maybe the answer is super obvious and I just can’t see through my OCD smoke. This was a bit embarrassing for me to write 🥲, but can anyone provide some insight?

issphra 🫶🏻

Date posted: 24w

I feel so much guilt

I feel guilty for sometimes wishing that bad things weren’t bad. It’s such an OCD-driven thought process—if they weren’t bad, I wouldn’t have to fear them. It’s like wishing morality didn’t exist, just so everything would be acceptable. But then I feel guilty for even thinking that. I don’t think I actually want that, I just want this to be easier. The bad things—violence, pedophilia, incest—need to stay bad. But I’m scared. Scared that my anxiety is the only thing stopping me from doing something terrible. Scared that I don’t actually have morals, just a fear of social judgment. If there were no consequences, no stigma, would I lose control? Would I become someone awful? Do I fear *being* a bad person, or just *being seen* as one? Today was an easier day, but still a hard one.

Tireddd

Date posted: 22w

Something i read that made anxiety spike hard

I was checking out a community of adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, and there was a post that said that pedos sometimes don't even know that they are that, or they don't realize it, like a racist person who won't admit that they're racist. I also saw a comment that mentioned that a ped0 tried to groom them and then when the victim realized, the predator simply said that "they were going to therapy and that their behaviours were a product of childhood abuse" They also said that people like that often did mental gymnastics because they had a personality disorder. This made me feel extremely anxious because, what if that's the case for me? I did things from 10 to 15 years old that made me extremely afraid and shameful, and thinking about the possibility of being that, i didn't abuse or groomed anyone but i saw disturbing things on the internet. Stating the things i did are sometimes accompanied by saying the abuses i experienced as a child, this worries me that it is a gigantic mental gymnastics to evade responsability or to deny being a paraphilic. This is horrible

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I think this is a self reassurance compulsion, idk

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