emma345

Date posted: 6w

PLASE THIS IS URGENT

17f That's it I'm a monster. Before yesterday I had classic textbook POCD. Avoided children like crazy, was scared to even look at them. But something randomly clicked in my head and I became a monster. I suddenly became numb to s*xual thoughts about children. No anxiety, no remorse, no "this is wrong" or "this is weird" feeling. Nothing. Just weird curiosity. I was able to imagine SAing a child. Even made a hypothetical plan on how I would do it. And still. No remorse. No nothing. Now it's the next day and I'm freaking out. I still feel kinda numb to the images and the morality itself but at the same time it scared me how OKAY I was with the thoughts even made a PLAN.

uberhuberman

Date posted: 6w

That's all your OCD messing with you. I've had thoughts like that and I've even had the tell tale classic OCD inner voice saying, "Do it." That has also happened for me with HOCD. Maybe you're a monster. Maybe you're not a monster. You get to decide what you do. The thoughts are just thoughts and have no real power over you or your choices. When these thoughts get stuck, consider a Mindfulness practice to bring yourself back to the present moment.

emma345

Date posted: 6w

Idk... this feels like something more than OCD. I actually didn't feel bad when I though about the possibility of me doing something to a child. Almost like I had the urge to do so. And a plan. Like it's extremely big of a switch. Before I was terrified to even look at them, in case I'm a pedophile. I even left my job cause I was too scared to be around children (I was working at a restaurant people would often come with children) And now i don't feel anything when thinking about SAing a child. Like I might actually do that.

uberhuberman

Date posted: 6w

@emma345 It might be something more than OCD, but it might also still be OCD. The main thing is that you get to choose what you do. Your thoughts and urges are not in the driver's seat.

emma345

Date posted: 6w

@uberhuberman I know but I feel like making a plan is almost like acting on it, like as bad. And I genuinely don't know, was its just planning but like in my head, or did I actually had an intention to do so. Or like was planning it, knowing I might do it. I don't know. This is terrifying. I feel like I crossed a line and now I'm somewhere where I'm irredeemable

uberhuberman

Date posted: 6w

@emma345 I can totally relate to feeling this way. Making a plan is not the same as taking action. I've had some terrifying thoughts and ideas which included a plan, but I have never acted on them, and that means that I am capable of discerning right from wrong and that I choose to do what's right instead of what my OCD tells me to do. It sounds like you're choosing what's right too.

emma345

Date posted: 5w

@uberhuberman I feel like I only didn't do it because I wasn't near a child at the time. I feel like I had an intention to maybe do it. Like I accepted the possibility of me doing it or something like this? Idk...

0CDeez

Date posted: 6w

Hey man, I started first noticing my OCD symptoms at 17 too. It'll be okay!!

emma345

Date posted: 6w

I mean I have OCD since i was 4 and I started noticing it ar 13... I already had a bit of POCD at 13. So I don't notice it just now. I have POCD for a very long time. And this, whatever is going in my head now feels completely different from POCD I'm used to

L is for Luigi

Date posted: 6w

@emma345 I have POCD too and have experienced very much a similar situation. The most important thing for me is to remember OCD itself can and will do everything it can to reinforce that fear, I've had it for a long time too and that "numbness" has become normal. It could also just be that you've acknowledged, internally that it isn't really part of who you are. Ethier way, what anyone thinks does not define them, it's their actions, and who they continue to choose to be.

emma345

Date posted: 5w

@L is for Luigi But I feel like I had an urge to do it, even made a PLAN... like isn't planning something like this almost as bad as acting on it... I'm scared.

L is for Luigi

Date posted: 5w

@emma345 Well that's just it, Ocd will always allow for that "what if" but at the end of the day, none of that matters if you don't act on that plan. And the fact that you are so scared about this urge is proof enough that you will not.

emma345

Date posted: 5w

@L is for Luigi I feel like by making that plan and basically thinking that I will maybe do it, I crossed some line and now I'm a monster for sure

nae nae

Date posted: 6w

I experienced this with HOCD. It was terrifying, but I'm not that person, and I have never done anything of the sort!

Faker6532

Date posted: 19w

This felt way too real!!

Why the h•••ll did this happen to me? Seriously, I felt like a normal person yesterday, and now this morning, I feel like I am now a p•••do. When I first woke up, I kept thinking about about the usual things about a kid, only this time it felt real. It was like I was into them sexually and because of that, my private parts growed. Even though I kept saying "no, no ,no" a lot, I felt was only talking to open air and it didn't feel like I meant it God, for the last couple of days, I truly felt normal for once, and against these thoughts. But now I know that I am a p•••do and a piece of s••••it for seeing kids that way. If I could go back before all of this happened, I f••••cking would. Because I KNOW I was never like this before.

jazzyj4799

Date posted: 7w

I’m Scared my undiagnosed POCD isn’t OCD

Im 16 years old and female and up until very late last year and this year I’ve been having thought almost every day that I’m a pedophile or that I’m sexually attracted to or want a romantic relationship with child. I don’t know how to explain it and I don’t want judgment because I’m genuinely so scared and disgusted, but anytime I’m around children I feel my chest tighten, my body feels warm and it feels like I don’t know how to breathe. I sometimes get a groomer response but even then I don’t know if it’s a ground response or not. Also I tend to stare at children when I’m anywhere near them, I feel like if I don’t I’m a weirdo and if I don’t look at them it means I’m attracted to them which I guess could be POCD but I feel like I stare at them inappropriately. Not too long ago maybe three weeks ago I went to the park with my family and there were two girls in their swim suits and I was looking at their backsides and I felt really anxious and scared like I usually do but I felt so upset by looking at them that way and now I’m scared to go to pools or splash pads because every time I do I feel like I stare at them gross and I just feel so disgusted with myself. When I tell myself not to look I end up looking and then I stare. I feel better when I’m not around them but even then, I look back at what I saw earlier that day and I feel anxious again and then I look up what’s been happening and then I feel more worried it’s not OCD. My friends who have OCD say I might have it but I can’t get a therapist, I can’t talk to anyone I’m scared I’ll be put in jail and that I’m not a good person. I’ve never head thoughts like this until this year and near the end of last year and they come now? I don’t know what to do.

POCD

Andi 🤓☝️

Date posted: 7w

So distressed plz help :( 18+

*tmi warning* I'm so worried im a P. Ive been crying daily unable to do anything else but ruminate over my real events. When i was 14 (before ocd) i was watching adult content and it was censored. The woman had similar features like hair and skin color as my niece. I remember noticing that and saying "huh i guess I'll imagine that as the adult version of my niece" and I did and after i was finished i moved on and didnt think anything was wrong. I dont know if i ever thought about that again? Its so blurry ocd keeps saying i did it again in a different time but i dont remember its too blurry and its scaring me so badly! I didnt even remember this till like literally last week and i wanted to die! Im 20 for context. When I remembered i immediately broke down in tears. I vaguely rmemeber this other thought i had of her when self pleasuring when I was 16??? I think it was a testing thought out of distress? But im not sure at all! It was extremely vague image and unrealistic i dont think I liked it but maybe i did?! Im so distressed its like i remmeber 2 versions of this particular event which is why I think its ocd false memories from there. Ive been ruminating and spiraling for almost a week. I keep crying i havent ate well at all in days ive been honestly dehydrating myself and i cannot sleep. I feel like a monster. I did the mistake of researching last night and kept comparing myself to the "criteria" of those sickos and like I felt so distressed. I also have been asking ai for hours on end everyday. I feel so distressed im literally crying rn as i write this i cant calm down i feel like this sick individual even tho I dont even like thinking of that at all i dont think I meant ill intent when i was a teen but its killing me inside. I would NEVER harm anyone nor want to or plan to, deep down i know I would never act out in those evil ways but like whats killing me is what if im attracted?! Is this a sign?! Am i one of those people?! Am i attracted to my niece bc of those 2 maybe even 3(??)thoughts years ago?! Did i mean ill intent?! Am I an actual danger?! Am I a monster??? I have so many urges to confess to my mom im so scared what this all means or could mean. I feel so alone and scared. Like legit whenever i get intrusive thoughts about gross stuff i feel disgusted and anxious and push it away. Those thoughts do not bring me pleasure whatsoever but this real event is making me doubt my own identity 😔

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