- Username
- MJocd
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I dealt with real event ocd, which sounds like what you’re talking about. It was so bad it was making me suicidal, I don’t want to die. I have a small baby, a family I love... it just was too much to take. When I sought help for the first time ever after having ocd tendencies for as long as I can remember the psychiatrist confirmed I had ocd and was too caught up with what is considered morally right or not. Everyone has mistakes, mine are so hard for me to move on from that I will ruminate so hard I’m having heart attack like panic attacks... but over the last 2 months I’ve been better at ignoring those dead end thoughts. They have nothing to offer me other than self-hatred and misery so I try my best to skirt over the existence of any of those intrusive thoughts. Some days are better than others, I hope you feel better soon ❤️
Thankyou Harper, I do have some real event OCD that I've been dealing with. Mainly its "You're a bad person because in the past you visited porn websites online". My brain has chosen too stick to this thought so much, I cant even get out of the thought long enough to consider porn websites are quite normal in this day and age, and I dont go on them anymore at all and it's been a long time since so why do I still feel such heavy shame? My brain practically tortures me. It's horrible. I've had ocd tendencies, all my brain waits for is something new to latch on to. I spent 2 years convinced I had cancer and now this...
@MJocd Mine is based off of visiting porn sites when younger too. Unfortunately this is the day and age that kids are growing up in. My mom caught my brother watching porn and he’s 8 years old ☹️ I wish the internet were a little safer
@Harper Oh wow really!? That makes me feel a bit better than I'm not alone. I felt like I was the only one! It's true, I wish the internet was much more safer and censored. I stumbled across porn websites when I was 15 and from about 17-20 I visited them quite regularly out of curiosity and just not thinking much about it. When I was 20 though, I had a realisation that porn is just unethical and doesn't align with my moral values at all so I stopped and never went back. Now I'm almost 22, it's been awhile since I viewed porn but I get randomly struck by a memory of porn I may have saw in that time and feel so much shame, and the memory repeats until the point where my brain adds its it's own details in. Its horrible. Porn isn't a nice thing at all, theres all sorts of stuff on those websites and I just wish I had never, ever come across them or been curious about porn or viewed porn at all. I also caught my brother watching porn when he was only 13, from seeing his porn history and it made me really sad.
@MJocd Thanks for sharing guys. I struggle with porn and it’s part of why I developed Scrupilosity and moral ocd
I was also thinking they are intrusive thoughts. Like what Harper says. My intrusive thoughts are very similar to yours. ❤
Its horrible:-( so, so horrible!
Thankyou, I'll try and find it
I occasionally have thoughts like that, but rather than being about porn, it's more about liking girls. I'd think about how people view me as a girl who likes girls (I'm a trans guy, sooo) and is such a lesbian and I'd feel so so guilty and ashamed for it. I'd think that I'm the worst child a parent can ask for or that I made up the whole trans thing to decrease the guilt of being a lesbian (even though I would do anything to be a guy lol) And also guilt about watching porn ? or lying, or cheating.. etc.. ...hmm, maybe I have a bit of moral OCD.. or not?
I’m sorry that sounds rough!!
I feel SO GUILTY for this, but I suffer from OCD myself and I always feel morally obligated to help other OCD sufferers as much as I can so they dont feel alone or isolated but today somebody from a fb support group I am in contacted me with their POCD thoughts and kept asking me for reassurance, I told them it was OCD and nothing else. I told them not to engage in reassurance seeking behaviours etc. But my OCD thoughts became directed at the OCD sufferer and now I cant stop ruminating "what if that person is a bad person, how could I know?" "What if every ocd sufferer you've spoken too could potentially be a bad person?", I know the person contacting me is in therapy for their OCD and clearly struggling with a mental illness. I feel so guilty for having those thoughts, I felt anxious when she described her thoughts to me and I feel bad for having my intrusive thoughts that are directed towards her. Maybe I shouldn't help anyone since I am suffering from OCD myself. :(
I’ve always been a huge feminist, anti-racist, anti-sexual assaulters, etc. Basically against everybody anti-human rights. But because my OCD has been trying to convince me that I’m a sexual assaulter, a pedophile, racist, etc. (basically everything that goes against my morals), it also tries to tell me that I should sympathize with people I used to be against. Sometimes I’ll read about, say, teens committing sexual assault, and in the past I would have firmly said “they need to be punished”, whereas now I think “well, what if they didn’t know better? I made a mistake when I was a teen; what if they thought it was okay?” I never say these out loud because I dont want to make real victims feel bad, obviously. And if I hear someone has been racist, I’ll think, “What if they’re like me?” I still believe we need to eradicate sexual assault, racism, homophobia, etc, but I can’t help but think I’m a part of the problem, so sometimes I find myself sympathizing with “bad people”. It’s really messing my mind up. I don’t know what to think. Does anyone feel the same way or have any tips?
Feeling like a bad person has always been one of my reoccurring struggles with OCD. I’m working through trauma therapy at the moment and recognizing a lot of stuck points, and connecting a lot dots in relation to my OCD. But I feel like even if I make a small mistake or mess up, I can’t give myself grace - and I assume I’m an awful person. Obviously, my realistic self reassures me I would never intentionally hurt someone or have malicious intentions in situations. But sometimes I go round and round, and even think the only reason I think or want to be a good person is because I’m scared of being a bad person? I know that doesn’t make sense but it fucks with me and I’m sure only this group would understand. Anyway, today for example: I got sorta mad at my bf because he was trying to smack my butt and accidentally hit my back. And I said “ouch, stop - you got my back.” - in literally the least menacing way. And we laughed it off and he felt bad. And then I just couldn’t help myself from apologizing to him because I felt like I overreacted somehow. He seemed very confused and was so sweet about it. But I just felt like I overreacted, and I told him that I felt gross - I was trying to prepare food and it caught me off guard. And he was like “no yeah, that makes total sense - you literally don’t have to explain yourself or apologize at all!”. But I just got into this weird mood now, where I’m convincing myself I’m a bad person and a bad partner. And he should be with someone who is truly the sweetest person ever and beautiful to add on to the obsession. Sometimes I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I know I’m not a bad person but sometimes the OCD itself is very annoying. I feel like this wave has passed, and I’ve worked a lot on grounding myself and bringing myself to reality. Which is great! But I would really love to know if anyone else struggles with this kind of thing and what helps them in these times?
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