Today I did a speech about the misconceptions around OCD. And it was going okay I guess. I was shaking a lot because it was scary, but that was only inevitable. Then when it came to answering questions, it all went downhill. I was asked by my teacher what link I had to the disorder so I straight up said it. I said I have OCD, to a class of 30 and to him. And I regret that with all my heart. For the past year, OCD has been ME. It has torn me and shaped me and ruined me and hurt me and made me. So when I said it, and didn’t get the reaction I guess I hoped for... it broke me. Nobody cared. Nobody cares that I had struggled. That I’d cried. That I’d felt so alone. I wonder if I’ll ever be understood by anybody. I fear I looked like an attention seeker for saying it. Or a liar. Or someone trying to gain pity. I don’t know what to think or do. I care so so so much about what they think of me. And nobody even cared. I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Which is so dumb. But I don’t know what else to do. I poured my heart into my words and now I don’t have any left. I’m crying, because I just feel so silly and sad. I wish I could go back in time and not do it. Because now I’m just left feeling so anxious about what I looked like, and so sad about how nobody cared.

I've opened up recently to my boyfriend about my ocd itself: he knew I had it, just didnt rlly understanded it. Today, I was feeling really awful because of my incest ocd, and the toughts were awful, so I decided to open up. BAD IDEA! he said it was ok and stuff but he also said he did not understand: he is, fairly, disgusted. Plus, he knowns my relatives, which probably made him even more sick. Im so sad, he is now more disgusted by me, and I am too.

If you are anything like me (and most of you are, because let’s face it, we are all on this chat), you have OCD. Real OCD, not the organisation, matching colours everyone thinks it is. Real OCD. I’ve always known I was different, known that my brain does some waking things and deep down, I’ve always known I’ve had OCD. But there is just something that changes when you finally get the diagnosis. It makes more sense, you have an explanation for your behaviours. So naturally I told my friends. When they ask why I had to stop and step four times on a tile I said ‘oh, I have OCD’. I finally had a word, a tangible concept that I could explain to people. But nobody warned me about the massive misconceptions about OCD. Instead of support or acceptance, my friends seemed to question the diagnosis saying ‘that’s not ocd, don’t you just like things organised?’. And no matter how much I explain it they don’t seem to get it. And that’s the part that feels so cruel. I go through hell in my head and it can all be reduced to a phrase of ‘oh, aren’t you organised’. So please be careful out there you guys, and if someone try’s to downplay your experience, know that you are valid and that what you are going through is probably something that they could never handle. It’s a lesson that took me time to learn, but it’s important because our experience matters. Our real experience.

I feel so horrible and sad right now. I’ve been posting about what I’m going through on my other account but no one comments or reacts. I’ve posted many times yet no one bothers to respond. I feel so terrible. I want to cry because I feel like I’m already too far gone, beyond forgiveness. I want to delete this app, but if I do, I’ll have no one to share with when I'm really having a hard time to deal with my ocd. I have no one who understands my ocd except the people on this app but it hurts me that no one replies anymore. I’m so sorry for posting something like this. I’m just sharing what I really feel. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I feel like I'm about to go insane. Sometimes I feel like it's not my ocd anymore because no one responds to my posts. Honestly, I really feel like I don't have ocd anymore especially because I'm undiagnosed. It makes me feel like I’m the most cruel person in the world, someone who doesn’t deserve love or forgiveness. I’m not trying to guilt trip anyone. I know that you are all struggling too. I truly hope you all get better. 💗