Today I did a speech about the misconceptions around OCD. And it was going okay I guess. I was shaking a lot because it was scary, but that was only inevitable. Then when it came to answering questions, it all went downhill. I was asked by my teacher what link I had to the disorder so I straight up said it. I said I have OCD, to a class of 30 and to him. And I regret that with all my heart. For the past year, OCD has been ME. It has torn me and shaped me and ruined me and hurt me and made me. So when I said it, and didn’t get the reaction I guess I hoped for... it broke me. Nobody cared. Nobody cares that I had struggled. That I’d cried. That I’d felt so alone. I wonder if I’ll ever be understood by anybody. I fear I looked like an attention seeker for saying it. Or a liar. Or someone trying to gain pity. I don’t know what to think or do. I care so so so much about what they think of me. And nobody even cared. I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Which is so dumb. But I don’t know what else to do. I poured my heart into my words and now I don’t have any left. I’m crying, because I just feel so silly and sad. I wish I could go back in time and not do it. Because now I’m just left feeling so anxious about what I looked like, and so sad about how nobody cared.

I shared on Instagram about what it is like to have harm ocd yesterday for mental health awareness day, and now I cant stop thinking that this was a terrible thing to do....My mom told me that I shouldn’t have said anything on social media because a future employer or school could think I’m violent, so I took down the post. I can’t stop thinking that now all of my friends and family think I’m a terrible violent person because I shared some of the intrusive thoughts that go through my head in an effort to get people to understand... I’ve been repeating an exposure of saying how I’m going to be arrested, my family will disown me, Im going to end up homeless because everyone will think I’m a murderer, etc, but I’m still just so stressed about it, despite the ERP....

I’m fairly new to treating my OCD and have felt crazy for most of my life. It didn’t help that no one in my life truly understood OCD and always said I was being dramatic. I very recently (within the past few months) finally got diagnosed with OCD and my whole life started to make sense. However, I recently opened up to someone I really believed I trusted about the intrusive thoughts I have and now feel worse than I ever have before. They essentially called me a psychopath and said they are worried for the people around me. Even though I would and could never hurt anyone. I’ve never felt more alone and broken in my life. I already try very hard to hide my OCD and everything associated with it because no one in my life understands so it’s been easier to deal with it myself than listen to everyone say whatever they have to say about my situation. After what happened today I’m even more inclined to just keep it to myself. I don’t know what I’m expecting from writing this but I figure this is the best place to write what I’m feeling. Going through OCD is hard enough on it’s own. But when people are telling you they think you’re a danger to society and are crazy because of your intrusive thoughts it really hurts. I’m just tired.

I'm sad about life things. I don't really have friends, but does that even really matter? And I don't feel like I've ever truly been heard by anyone, not even those with OCD. I know that people won't understand my struggles, but I still want someone to talk to about them, but every time I try to I always end up feeling unheard and hurt.