I put in my ADA form today. I can't do my job anymore at the pace I'm at teaching at two schools and not even a lunch break most days. I hit my breaking point last year, but chicken out. I met with two lawyers and got their okay to submit it, so I did. They said if they try to let me go we can fight them. 15 years I've been teaching more than I should per my union contract and now I need to make a change so my family doesn't lose me. Last year I had two suicide attempts in 10 months. Not acceptable for a job to lead me to that kind of stress.

I don’t know how to cope, everything feels like too much, my medication isn’t working and I’m so tired with looking for the right one as it takes months between each appointment, and therapy is there too it’s just that I need all of what I’m struggling with to go away NOW, you know? on top of responsibilities like my TAFE course and all this other stuff I’ve got to get a handle on, it feels like I’m not cut out for life, I’ve been taking a sedative everyday just to cope with existing and I don’t know how to even keep going.

I’ve been spiraling since a workplace incident last Thursday. I had an uncomfortable and tense interaction with a colleague, and it triggered a lot of obsessive rumination. I spent the whole weekend crying, panicking, and replaying everything that happened. Today, I went back to work — and it was really hard. Everyone acted like nothing happened. They joke with him, treat him normally, even though he bullied me and I’m just… sitting there. I didn’t greet him, and he didn’t greet me. I kept to myself, answered questions when I had to, but didn’t socialize. Now I feel scared. Like I’m walking on eggshells. I keep thinking: “What if I say something wrong?” “What if I make a mistake and they say, ‘You see? She’s the problem’? Acting holier than thou & she's a bigot too!" I know this is partly my OCD and trauma talking, but it feels so real. Like I’m one wrong move away from being blamed or alienated. I’ve even started eating lunch in my car to feel safe. I’m trying so hard to hold boundaries, stay professional, and protect my peace. But I’m exhausted. I feel like a shell of myself and I’m scared I’ll break. I was already a little on eggshells cause most of my colleagues say or do something bigoted every now & then...my bigotry ocd is always scared that when I don't confront them. I'm condoning it & becoming them. I'm exhausted. I want to work remotely so I can stay isolated from people. I don't think I'll ever heal from this. I feel like this incident is one of those that permanently changes you. Like when my parents & siblings says I'm not the same anymore. I'm more panicked etc.

Anybody here worried about this bill that just passed? My OCD is firing up again. I’m a community college student here in California who is about to turn 26 this mid November, which means I’m going to be booted off of my father’s health insurance as the law requires. And right now, my mental health (OCD that I’m trying to get diagnosed, anxiety, depression, PTSD that I’m trying to get diagnosed) is the worst that it’s probably ever been!!! And I don’t see it getting miraculously better anytime soon, these conditions are definitely chronic and will be following me for the rest of my life due to my long history of them (never got formal help until I was 16 though). I’ve been battling this stuff since I was just a little girl in the 2000s. After I turn 26 this year, I was just planning to enroll in Medicaid (Medi-Cal) when the time came so I could focus on continuing my schooling and treating my severe mental health issues along the way. I was actually feeling hopeful for once about my life. It’s going to be absolutely devastating if I lose healthcare coverage just because I won’t be able to bypass the red tape being put into place and meet those rigid requirements that the bill is going to require. There is only so much I can handle at one time due to my disabilities. I admire people who can do so many things at once (work a job, go to school, take care of children, etc.), but it’s just not me. It’s a miracle after everything, that I’m even in school and doing okay with it (4.0 GPA). I’m even enrolled in my school’s DSPS (program for disabled students). There has to be something that can be done. Losing my access to psych meds and therapy is going to make my life so much harder than it already is. It could probably even straight up kill me, which would be devastating for my family to have see me pass so horribly. Whether it’s from untreated mental illnesses or from the simple fact that I could get sick and die from whatever else due to not being able to access healthcare. Sorry for the long post. But I seriously cannot be alone in this right now…