I put in my ADA form today. I can't do my job anymore at the pace I'm at teaching at two schools and not even a lunch break most days. I hit my breaking point last year, but chicken out. I met with two lawyers and got their okay to submit it, so I did. They said if they try to let me go we can fight them. 15 years I've been teaching more than I should per my union contract and now I need to make a change so my family doesn't lose me. Last year I had two suicide attempts in 10 months. Not acceptable for a job to lead me to that kind of stress.

Unfortunately, I have been a Care/Case Manager. Although I struggle in school and was directed to become a Social Worker I selected something else. I did that because I did not have faith in SWs. Why, because everyone I had shadowed or worked with did not genuinely care about their work or actually the quality of their help, referrals or resources they'd provided. I have cared about all my past roles and work. Because my work ethics are purposeful. So I don't understand those who do things for ONLY A CHECK or to say I DID IT with no motivation in quality or outcome? That use to bother me. So I never wanted SW. I'm far from a perfect person in career, home and life itself. Don't get me wrong, helping others help themselves is very hard work. I remember when my BFF wanted to go to college for nursing. She was so upset because she thought the work were going to be a step-by-step hand held guide. I said no. She said, you are pretty much reading and studying all this massive information and then tested in it! How do you know you are studying the correct details or information need for the test!? I said, you don't, you just have to makes sure you know and understand and can explain the list from your syllabus. " She said I'm paying to teach myself!? Yes, pretty much. Why do you think I had to have Tudors and I was always on campus still at midnight... She is a LSW now and grumbles like the rest of them. She feels it's all Mental Health and Addiction and does not get any purposeful fullment out of her work. That was what bothered me most about SWs. They loose the inspirational, motivated light in their eyes, their spirit to want to help, to encourage, to be involved to solve and resolve. Of course you don't always have all the answer, everyone can not always be help at each encounter and "the struggle must be a real to you as it is to those who really need your help." My point to ALL OF THIS. I have completed fallen through the cracks. And once again, dependant ONLY on me and my ability. I said to several CMs, SWs and Organization "need help," "211," "United Way," and "findhelp.com or org:" I suppose I have to literally be deaf, intellectually 75+% disable, mentally incapable of making decisions for myself. A certifiable suicide attempts, with active ideation, a master plan to do harm to self and others strategically planned. Also, histories of drug and alcohol abuse with a criminal historical background. In addition to absolute homeless, actively in critical mental and behavioral crisis to pass requirements to get help? You know what is most ironic about it ALL; ever program mission or vision has TO REDUCE HOMELESSNES, SUBSTANCE ABUSE AND MENTAL HEALTH??? Huh? I pretty much have to be all of thee above and actively shooting up, selling myself with abusive marks and malnutritional signs and symptoms to get help. Neurodivergent behavioral does not qualify. I literally overheard a volunteer say to her peers that her son has been diagnosed with ADHD they prescribed him Adderall and all is well now. She walked passed me as if my struggle is not real. Wow. I'm tired. Who was to go through this just to be needy and put out on the street. I don't like asking for help nor holding my hand out. I don't even like expressing "how does that make you feel..." It's obsolete and irrelevant to them genuinely. I can talk to myself ALL DAY LONG, I can ask myself while looking in a mirror and say, "Hey, how does that make you feel." Your feelings do not pay the bills, don't find you the appropriate network or connections for skills and work, and don't prevent homeless. Yes, I do believe in therapy and science, but I do not believe in the genuineness of all HC providers. Especially when you cannot help yourself in that moment and you actually need them. You should hear the statement that comes out of others mouth behind it all. Life is not funny... even when you must have a reason to laugh. While in college, a Preceptor said to us, "OH! Suicide patients burns me. I think they all show get on one island and off each other since they never complain the task." The blew my head off? Then later in life, my experience with it. Helped my understand in another prospective. But I'd never feel that way. Even though I now understand that statement I don't carry that harsh passion behind it. Some people are completed but it does not mean throw them away. It only means YOU can deal or function with it. So it's not them, it's you. Mental health and behavioral HC providers, this take a special individual, with a special kind and caring understanding heart and soul. Because you must not just genuinely care for others but also know how to balance caring for self as well as them. This is a critical balance. That is hard for most. Only the strong will survive some say, most will not sacrifice self. But pretend to GAF. I don't expect that you must sacrifice self, even in a selfless, sometimes unrewarding role. Sometimes, no thank yous, no great job, no recognition of your hard devoted effort. Sometimes not even they appreciation from that person you assisted in helping to land safely in thier crisis. Sometimes, the only reward is, today I did manage to save a life, help a desperate person, find a safe place for someone or got them the help that they needed that comes from only you. Sometimes, if I can just reach out and hold a person hand and genuinely say I'll do what I can ... and mean it. Follow up is very, very important. After, informing everyone I have received my notice to vacate, with no boxes, no movers, no help. It's been very quiet for 8 days now. Last four months, they all wanted life stories, events, all sorts of documentation. Once received, now what? I don't trust anyone but me... I must tell this story because it is significant here. I was a a telehealth group like NOCD during Covid. A guy was telling his story and saying to us that he was unable to trust himself. Those words impacted me so emotionally, I was sad, scared, empathetic toward him and I cried. Didn't expect myself to feel that way. I realized that I would absolutely be lost if I did not trust me. Have the most wonderful rest of you day. And give yourself some grace and smile. Excuse my grammar errors, I do not feel like correcting nothing.

Anybody here worried about this bill that just passed? My OCD is firing up again. I’m a community college student here in California who is about to turn 26 this mid November, which means I’m going to be booted off of my father’s health insurance as the law requires. And right now, my mental health (OCD that I’m trying to get diagnosed, anxiety, depression, PTSD that I’m trying to get diagnosed) is the worst that it’s probably ever been!!! And I don’t see it getting miraculously better anytime soon, these conditions are definitely chronic and will be following me for the rest of my life due to my long history of them (never got formal help until I was 16 though). I’ve been battling this stuff since I was just a little girl in the 2000s. After I turn 26 this year, I was just planning to enroll in Medicaid (Medi-Cal) when the time came so I could focus on continuing my schooling and treating my severe mental health issues along the way. I was actually feeling hopeful for once about my life. It’s going to be absolutely devastating if I lose healthcare coverage just because I won’t be able to bypass the red tape being put into place and meet those rigid requirements that the bill is going to require. There is only so much I can handle at one time due to my disabilities. I admire people who can do so many things at once (work a job, go to school, take care of children, etc.), but it’s just not me. It’s a miracle after everything, that I’m even in school and doing okay with it (4.0 GPA). I’m even enrolled in my school’s DSPS (program for disabled students). There has to be something that can be done. Losing my access to psych meds and therapy is going to make my life so much harder than it already is. It could probably even straight up kill me, which would be devastating for my family to have see me pass so horribly. Whether it’s from untreated mental illnesses or from the simple fact that I could get sick and die from whatever else due to not being able to access healthcare. Sorry for the long post. But I seriously cannot be alone in this right now…

I corrected someone’s racist comment — he whispered it, I tried to shut it down, but he kept pushing. When I disengaged and went back to work, he started swinging his phone in my face. Later, he spiraled and assumed I had told everyone what he said. He attacked me in front of everyone, shouting in part about the rscist conversstion, calling me immature & saying i shouldnt talk to him. And no one said a thing. What hurts the most is that I’ve supported all of these people when they’ve had bad days (including when they cried at work) — but now, when I’m being publicly berated, I’m left out in the cold. I was even called immature and told I should never speak to him again. Honestly, I’m angry. I feel used. I’ve given so much, and now I’m spiraling, suppressing panic attacks daily. This happened almost a month ago, and I can’t let it go. I want to leave my job so badly, but it feels foolish to leave a “good” job because of this — and yet I feel bullied and emotionally unsafe. The reality is: This is the third time he’s shouted at me. We spoke previous times, I told him dont shout at me & apologised and I forgave him — twice. I don’t shout back. As a Black woman, I’m painfully aware of how I’ll be perceived. So I just take it. So now I just don’t greet him. He doesn’t greet me either. The silence gives me peace — but deep down, I’m spiraling because no one held him accountable. People moved on like nothing happened, and it feels like they think I’m the issue. I didn’t say anything racist. I didn’t cause this. So why was I left unprotected? Especially since they claimed they agreed with my response & that his racism was wrong. I tried to confront the bigotry ocd & protect another class of people. I got berated. My sister made a good point — this is work. These people don’t have to protect me. We’re not friends. But I’m still hurt. No more lunches. No more small talk. I’m not trying to be petty, but I’ve changed my behavior. I let him leave the office first, so if he doesn’t say goodbye, it’s clear. But on the two occasions I left early, I felt guilty for not saying bye — and now I’m spiraling about that too. I feel so alone in this. Like I’m carrying the weight of this entire situation in silence. And maybe… five years in this job is too long anyway. Someone please drag me. I have no close friends, my sister & my parents are tired of discussing this. My therapist wants me to be her & confront him or be passively aggressively mean. But I'm like this man won't react. This is the third occasion & corporate.