No one really listens No one is there for me People are all minding their owns I don’t have a loved one. I feel alone I wish someone would really listen. Really understand this messed up mind of mine. I can’t talk to anyone I am afraid they don’t wanna listen. I am afraid i will act like a burden. Thought about texting some people i trust. Like mr. ***** or dr. *****. But I’m scared they will be like: “what’s wrong with this girl??? What on earth is going on??? We don’t care! Why did she text us??? What have she thought??? “ No one is here for me. Not even me myself. I had enough and life is being really tough lately The more goes on, the more i feel alone I admit i got no one Guess no one is interested in knowing what the hell is going on in my mind. Who cares?? Really? You know what?! Why talking to my therapist? What will she say? Just like classes Just like teachers She would say: do what i told you. Do your CBT sh*t. But i am tired of that I hate it. I love (loved) to be independent but.. I have to admit this: I really Really Need someone to rescue me Outta this thing. I am having suicidal thoughts And I can’t let them go I scratched my wrist. Help please

That’s it. I can’t afford therapy. I’m not gonna burden the few loved ones I have with the insanity that is my mental case. I know people will freak out, wanna put me in the mental hospital. I’ve heard it all people calling me insane because I tell the truth about what’s going on with me. I do these random things online to strangers because it’s easier to confess to faceless people but strangers can’t do much can they? Most the time nobody reads anything and a lot of the time I don’t even really want them to. I just feel so alone. My girlfriend doesn’t talk to me anymore and my sister is still a minor I’m not gonna tell her shit. Maybe I should be in the mental hospital but that shit doesn’t help it never has.

I didn't even realize. I'm about to get my period and my anxiety is higher. I'm noticing how my friend hasn't written back to my texts or hasn't answered the last 3 times I called. I think he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. I wrote a text and asked if I did something wrong and he didn't respond. My other friend annoyed me. And I think my other friend doesn't like me that much. I feel abandoned and forgotten and like I must be a bad friend or bad person or why would they all forget me like this. What did I do? Did I take my opinions too far? I've been picking at my skin, having a feeling of unrest. I just watch Netflix and lie on my couch to avoid it. I look okay, but I haven't worked in a year purposefully to find a new way, but I haven't found it yet. I'm doing so much, but it always feels like too little. I tell myself again and again that I'm doing enough, but there's always a voice that says no you're lazy, you're unhealthy and you're just making excuses. I hyperfixate on stupid solutions like blood tests, supplements, genetic testing to explain my symptoms my depression (or is it laziness) my anxiety, my lack of energy, my aches and pains. I quit all drugs and alcohol even caffeine. I track my sleep. I want to feel good. And believe it or not I was thinking I did feel good? Until the afternoon. I don't know. I really hope this is just some fucking b vitamin deficiency and I'll take some pills and be reborn as a human and not a trash pile. Look at me all perfect. With all my career, and my money, and friends who don't like me. Don't I look put together. I'm so imperfect and so scared of anyone finding out. I'm so scared to tell anyone how messed up I am on the inside. I rant to my therapist, my coaches, whoever but I'm just going around in circles. Without support I'd be fucking nuts. Thankfully I pay people to support me. Because no one would for free. Fuck my.life.

I don’t know what to say. I feel a bit lost to be honest with my thoughts. They feel so real, they actually hurt so much. Why do I find myself comparing to my boyfriends and my friends? I’m not them, they got nothing to deal with me. It’s just that I feel the need to prove I have it worse, and to do that is to partake in actual harm. I have been feeling really low lately, honestly I feel like I’m losing it. It’s a scary feelings to think unaliving myself may be an option for me but I don’t want to do that. In all the hardships in life, there is so good in there. I have my boyfriend , I got good grades, I have a good home life I guess, I have friends and other amazing things too. It sad to say but I kinda need some comfort to know I’ll be fine. I feel like I’m at the end of my ropes right now. When people tell me their struggles I compare them to my own. When people give me advice, I overthink it. When I have something hope it gets torn apart. My heart hurts a lot. I feel like even if I do pass I’ll just be another number, like a casualty and no one would care. But that’s not true, people do care about me enough that they want me to live. I’m just so tired of feeling this way. I need help. But I feel like I don’t? God fucking damn it leave me the hell alone. I didn’t do nothing at all. I’m a good person I have morals and I have everything that is fit for me. But why go for everything I care about huh? Let me heal in peace. I can’t even pick up a fucking pencil with other thinking about whenever I could draw good, or even take a breather. it’s disabling its fucked and it’s hurts. Leave me alone. I’m too young to bear this pain. Living isn’t supposed to be a chore. It supposed to be something to look toward to the happy things in life. I fear I’d slip one day and do something awful to myself. It takes more than two painkiller to kill you right? I won’t do anything bad. Maybe I shouldn’t consider this though. I feel like I’ve reach pure insanity with my mental health. Maybe I am depressed or something. God I need help. But why do people try to even help me? Why do they care? I feel myself switching. I’m trying my best to not believe anything my thoughts are telling me. I feel so awful to the point I feel happy. What type of sick shit is this? I do care. But at the same time I feel nothing. This is terrifying and torturous. Please help me. What is this?