I’m scared of everything. I’ve been diagnosed with severe OCD, GAD, MDD, panic disorder, BPD, PTSD and OCPD. I get really upset when people say “I’m so OCD”. I start feeling bad because here I am stuck in bed while people who are just neatfreaks glorify this illness. I’ve been hospitalized several times, took meds, have seen multiple therapists including the ERP specialist, and have tried different types of therapy including the ERP, talk therapy, DBT, ACT and some other thing my insurance recommended me. At first I was getting better but now I’m stuck in bed again. I have difficulty with a lot of things such as contamination fear and fear of losing, forgetting, dropping things. Even as I write this I’m scared I’m forgetting to write something. At one point I had to write down everything that was said to me. At one point I didn’t trust myself enough to do things like cleaning that I had to record myself. At one point I had to shower after using the bathroom every time. Those are under control...for now but now I have to face new obsessions. I’m scared of stupid things like chocolate and crying. I know what’s garbage but hard to throw out because what if there’s something important inside the folds of the plastic/paper bags. There’s always something that triggers my anxiety. Getting out of bed has gotten easier but getting back into my bed is exhausting with my rituals. I’ve tried leaving the apartment and on good days I would just feel nausea but push through. On a bad day I would get really sick with nausea. And on a really bad day I won’t feel anything and go through with getting ready, about to leave my bedroom heading towards the door and I have a complete melt down. I can’t even sleep without having to do my compulsion of writing down my dreams. On a good night I do this three times. So I’m always tired. I’ve tried to stop and have succeeded when I was working with the ERP specialist. My insurance has expired, I can’t get a job let alone leave my bed to go get any assistance, I’ve tried work from home but everything is difficult. I was a bridal consultant, artist/designer. I’ve also tutored Japanese online but it’s not enough to get the “residential level care” that the ERP therapist had told me I need. The insurance won’t pay for additional treatments with the specialist so I’m stuck. And what sucks is that my PTSD has become stronger which makes doing everyday tasks even more difficult (if that makes sense). What makes everything even more difficult is that I can’t do anything to help animals in need. I’m an advocate-have volunteered, rescued, spread awareness, sign petitions etc and all of these add up to my feeling of guilt and shame that I can’t put my passion of wanting to help animals before my OCD fear. I have a dream. I have a goal. I want to have my catcafe and work with high risk shelters to eliminate euthanasia while I save to start my own animal sanctuary. I’m sorry this has become a long post but I needed to vent to people who would understand and not have to explain why OCD is more than just “get over it” or “just stop your compulsions”.

I want to give you the biggest hug right now - clearly you’ve been through a lot and that’s so sucky ❤️❤️ Avoid talk therapies at all costs, it encourages your obsessions, as I found the hard way. ERP is very helpful, but its important to carry out a plan in case you relapse. You can improve, I know that sounds crazy right now, but its true. Your passion for animals is something I really relate to, make that your motivation to recover and improve. If you have a motivation to recover, you’re more likely to do so. My OCD stands in the way of my goals sometimes, which is why I’m so driven and determined to get better. I wish you all the best and hope you will use this app to start trying some smaller exposures and get you on track to living a happier life. Lots of love ❤️❤️

Oh I recommend the mindfulness workbook for ocd by Jon Hershfield. It’s helped me understand it a lot and therefore easier to start working

It will be ok. I know it doesn’t seem like it but it will ?

Megumi- Welcome and thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry to hear about the traumatic experiences you’ve been through. I hope this app can help you with your OCD. I know they are going to start an unlimited therapist chat for $100/month and maybe that’s something you can consider.

I understand. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot in such a short time! Keep fighting. I understand the struggle and how difficult and lonely it is to succumb to your compulsions. I have to have hope that we will get better. It’s all I can do. I hope you find your light ?❤️

I totally get where you’re coming from - I’m kind of all over the place with my ERP. I didn’t do it very thoroughly the first time (had no idea what I was doing) so I’m here again because I relapsed. The first step you can do is cut off as many compulsions as possible to stop feeding the cycle. Then get some paper and make a list of all your themes (obsessions/fears) and rate them from 1-10. Make a list of your less disturbing fears up to your most disturbing, and start at the easiest. Your ERP doesn’t have to go for 2 hours or something, start at only a couple of minutes. If you throw yourself off the deep end, you’ll be overwhelmed. Expose yourself to the fear and say “this might be true. Im going to accept it.” You’ll feel anxious, but sit with it for as long as you can. After a few sessions you might find you feel a little bit less anxious, so keep at it. You’ve taken a really important first step in recovery, so be proud! You’re doing good ❤️ if you have any more questions feel free to ask ?

@TabbyKitty I love your username ?. Thank you for your kind words. I agree with the talk therapy but I’ve gave it a shot to see if I can learn anything from it and for insurance purpose-I had to show them that I have tried therapy that was available to me but didn’t work and so it has to be the ERP. I believe you when you say it can improve as I have experienced at one point. But here’s my question of self ERP. I don’t know where to begin as I have a lot of symptoms. I have a sense but I’m scared I’m going to forget a step, doing it wrong or there are better ways to do them. I found out about this app by a YouTuber who talks about OCD and recovery. I’m excited to give it a try but at the same time scared. Like what if I miss a step in the exposure ladder? I feel I can do better when I’m told what steps I need to take. I just don’t trust myself to do it right. I know the purpose is just doing it but it’s scary to do it alone. How do you do the ERP alone? I just have no strength to doing it-even when I have my passion as a motivator. I start reflecting on my past failures.

The better word for “positive” is justified.

@WorriedDriver thank you. I’m curious is the therapist an ERP specialist?

Yes, email info@nocd.com for more information and you can get more details on their credentials

I know it’s hard but try and do one thing at a time. I never pushed myself. I know, I know it’s scary. But we need to go out and live without feeling bad about it 24/7. Try and sort one trigger or one OCD thought. Spend a whole day if you have to but you decide when you are done with IT controlling YOU. It’s ok to make mistakes.