My OCD is spiking in the form of pOCD today. This particular type seems really scary to me because this type is the one that has led me to more severe panic attacks and this is the one that led me to discover that I really needed help. It feels like I let this go too far and went untreated for too long, and now my brain just makes the association whenever I'm exposed to a trigger, which leads straight to terrifying and horrendous thoughts instead of the usual tests to prove I'm not a pedophile. For anyone who has wrestled with pOCD: how do you sit with these thoughts? I understand that with OCD, you often times (or maybe always, I'm a bit new to this) need to learn to accept your thoughts as they are. When your thoughts are so horrendous and difficult to have, how do you accept them?

I remind myself that it’s just a theme in OCD, and that the content of my thoughts do not matter. I like the 4 step thing where you notice the thought, say it’s not me it’s my ocd, and then refocus your attention as to not ruminate or do a compulsion. I don’t always do this, because I don’t want it to become a compulsion itself, but sometimes when I’m feeling extra stuck reminding myself that it’s not me it’s my OCD helps a ton with separating me from it. When you’re feeling anxious, try to do an exposure. Our thoughts can be our exposures with this theme, so think about it and purposely add more thoughts until the anxiety goes down. I know it’s seems really scary, but the fear is false. I hope this helps, I struggle with this theme too.

You aren’t alone, I struggle with this too... try not to attach meaning to the intrusive thoughts. After I have them I may ruminate on them on any other intrusive thoughts in the past of the same theme, sometimes even other themes, then ruminate on memories or experiences to find some “meaning” to connect with the intrusive thought and that can be very scary. Looking up more about false memories was helpful for me because sometimes my memories become cloudy and it makes me anxious about my pocd. Could I do something? Do I do something? Did someone do something to me? What happened exactly? Am I having these thoughts because I want to do them? Rabbit hole...

i struggle with this also, i just try not to let myself go down the “rabbit hole” just sitting with the discomfort of the original thought instead of moving on from what if to the next what if

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=prN6_Lt1VZg&t=196s

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5FNkLhVd5KY

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=veq6PNseLEU

Your brain likes to create patterns, once you see there is a pattern you can interrupt that pattern

If you have created patterns, then that means you can change them and create new patterns. I read somewhere it takes like 1-2 months to create or stop a habit. I’ve been reacting to my thoughts differently by not reacting. Meaning I’ll let them be there and let them be as loud as they want but I won’t react and if I do I’ll say it’s just OCD or I’ll just be like whatever. I have noticed a significant difference in the way I react to them and a huge decrease in anxiety. You can do it!

@0823 - that's a good point, and important to remember! Just as easily as I made the pattern, I can change it. The brain is programmable.

Hey everyone, thanks for the thoughtful replies! As I've been thinking about this I feel like my thought path has changed after going down too many rabbit holes. It used to be something like: "trigger -> am I a pedophile? -> Let's test it! -> horrible thought! -> did you react as expected? (Spoiler: no, you didn't) -> now you feel terrible!" NOW, I feel like the test part of it is cut out, and the path is more like "trigger -> horrible thought!! -> now you feel terrible for a variety of reasons!". It sounds to me like I've spent too much time thinking through this stuff, and now my brain (which loves patterns) just automatically makes the association, and skips right to having terrible thoughts. I'm scared I won't be able to break the association, and every time I see a trigger (like a child) I'll have terrible thoughts and lose my grip on my life.

Have you reached out for therapy?

@Dee - I have started therapy, but I think I'm going to look for a new therapist as my current therapist seems to only be treating one manifestation of my OCD.