TOCD is making me really depressed. I just want to feel normal.

Sure :) It’s kinda hard to describe. I get intrusive thoughts that say “you are trans” “you hate your body” “you’d be much happier as a guy/nonbinary” “you hate being a girl” “here are fifty million things in your past that proves it, even though you didn’t used to give any meaning to any of those things”. This leads me to checking how I feel constantly, having to ask an answer “am I trans?” questions until I’m blue in the face, arguing with the thoughts, avoiding feminine and masculine things, being hyper aware of my body and what I wear, checking and analyzing how I feel about pronouns, trying to avoid feeling “masculine” emotions and trying to force myself to “feel” feminine (as determined by OCD.) It’s really exhausting and it makes me feel disconnected from everything and it’s just all around terrible!

TOCD, from what I understand, is distinct from actual gender dysphoria in that being trans/another gender scares a person with TOCD. It is a threat to an already existing identity. Gender dysphoria, from what I understand, is kind of the opposite. I feel like I have slowly been losing my identity through this and it is quite honestly devastating. For a trans person, they are discovering and embracing their identity and it is liberating.

Sure, it’s no problem. :) I would say it feels like a hassle to put it lightly. Yes, I think there are doubts, as that is the nature of OCD (it is often called doubting disorder after all). As for if I feel comfortable, that’s tricky to answer. Before TOCD showed up I would have said yes, I feel comfortable in my body and with my gender. I was proud of it, even. Loved it. But honestly TOCD has been going on for so long I really can’t tell anymore. I could when it first started but it has honestly progressed. Part of it is that I am hyper aware of my body. Being hyper aware of anything will make it uncomfortable. Another part is that I am trying, as a compulsion, to feel comfortable in it/to feel like a woman. Trying is essentially forcing it, which won’t make it feel natural, and it’s also compulsive, so that just makes me feel worse. All of that also makes me feel disassociated, which of fuels the TOCD as well.

Keep Fighting! You are strong!! :) I know it might not feel like it but you are.

i ruminate through my mind and my past, i look in the mirror and determine if i feel like a woman. i pick my nails, my skin

Thanks everyone. @Anxiousashley It’s kinda like HOCD but instead of being afraid that you’re gay (or straight) you’re afraid you’re trans (or not). I’m afraid I’m trans.

Of course! And thank you. :) Best of luck to you and your OCD battle as well.

hey @ghostly! what kind of exposures do you do for tocd? i have it too for 2 years and i wanted to ask :)

Same.

What is TOCD?

I mean OCD in general makes me depressed. I’m not sure what kind of OCD that is.

@ghostly I have the same problem, how do you feel today, are that intrusive thoughts disappeared? Is it better?

Hey @Kooan, I’m doing alright. It is a bit better though I’m backsliding because I haven’t been doing ERP and I have been giving into compulsions. But I am better than I was.

two yeras? respect :)

thanks lol

i have the same problem, and i dont know what to do anymore, which compulsions you have?

I have this same theme! Been struggling with it since August 2018 and went to a ocd specialist for 3-4 months in fall '19