- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
And just to be totally clear so that you don't get stuck on the perspective that was in your post: you are not using your mental health as an excuse for unconscious racism coming out. The racist thoughts are no more an unconscious truth about you than the thoughts of people with pedophilia OCD. You've been working on your awareness of race and of spotting when you have a racist belief etc and that's great. But that stuff is absolutely not connected to the OCD you're having. The thoughts aren't coming from a racist part of you, they're coming from OCD, even though it feels like you're coming up with them. I have had racist intrusive thoughts before, in particular at times when I am annoyed with someone who is a minority and while I go "oops, that's really not a socially acceptable thought to have at ALL", I know that my actions are much more important and so I let it go instead of judging myself on it, which wouldn't get me anywhere. I separately continue to be aware and open to noticing racism in myself and listening if it's pointed out by someone else, so I can look at the beliefs and unbox them. But your intrusive thoughts and mine don't come from beliefs, they come from OCD. They're a different thing. If I have a thought which I actually agree with and then I think or am told that "hang on, does that have a tinge of racism/is it based on a racist belief?", that's the time to unpack that stuff. Having an intrusive thought that you know is wrong and would rather not have, doesn't need unpacking. It's an intrusive thought. They pop up and it feels like it's us, but you know you disagree with the thought, so it's an intrusive thought. Also: don't get meta. Don't go down these dark holes that people get in about "maybe I had the thought because I did unconsciously want it/like it/agree with it?". That's not how that works. If you know that you disagree with the thought, you're all good.
- Date posted
- 5y
Well I obviously disagree with Kronk, but also kind of disagree with what you said too. In society we are raised to accept a racist status quo and with a lot of unconscious accepted ideas about race due to lack of representation, negative representation and long-standing stereotypes which are normalised, plus racist policies and structures. It's not "white people are innately racist", it's that all people are raised in a culture steeped in racism that people feel uncomfortable acknowledging. In any case I don't think your intrusive thoughts are happening because of some "innate" reason, they're happening because it's an anxiety provoking topic for anyone in your position and OCD loves to latch onto our shame and fears. It seems reasonable to tell your partner that you have OCD and once they are educated about that, to share that yours is focusing on racist stuff. But I say that with the following caveats: OCD can have a major feature of confession compulsions and feeling that whatever you keep private, you are keeping "secret"- this means that you need to first come to terms with the fact that you have the right to privacy including in a relationship, and it means that it is NOT carte blanche to tell your partner detail in your thoughts whenever you have a compulsion to. Over sharing will not get you anywhere: it will likely make them feel unsafe, it will make them feel frustrated that you won't quit confessing thoughts if you continue when they've asked you not to, and you will only worsen your OCD by seeking that self-reassurance of your moral goodness by confessing. The best way to deal with this is to not do what the moralising urges tell you to do. If this is something you would like to share as part of transparency within the relationship, the appropriate way to do so is gradually, with attentiveness to their comfort level, and to actually only share at times when you are NOT experiencing guilt and confession compulsions.
- Date posted
- 5y
appreciate this!!! thank you
- Date posted
- 5y
to clarify, we’ve known each other for a few months now, but we took a break bc of mental health issues and are at a point where we discuss most things openly
- Date posted
- 5y
I would encourage talking with your therapist. I don't think you're correct in your thinking about white people though, I think that kind of thinking only furthers the issue, because having white skin doesn't make you innately racist, in fact, that thinking in itself is textbook racism! ? So I'd say just talk with your therapist, since harm OCD and taboo OCD can be very difficult to overcome, and your mind will thank you for going with a professional on this!
- Date posted
- 5y
#nosuchthingasreverseracism
- Date posted
- 5y
@Louw Well of course, that's just racism itself! ??
- Date posted
- 5y
@Kronk Racism is systemic. So no.
- Date posted
- 5y
@Louw ?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Kronk ??♀️ not my job to educate ya
- Date posted
- 3y
Exactly, intrusive
Related posts
- Date posted
- 18w
Cross post from Reddit: TW Religious ocd TW Racism This is going to confuse a lot of people but I’ll try my best. OCD could be tricking me. I don’t know. But I’ll do my best to explain. Warning: there are some extremely sensitive themes including racism. OCD has caused me to worry about making bad prayers. It is mainly an anxiety of what others would think of if I prayed for something bad. Basically, it can think of something bad, and I can think of why I want it, and say “amen” pretty easily. Not sure if that constitutes a prayer really since it is ocd driven, and might even feel more real to me than it actually is, but it gets very complicated. None of this makes any logical sense to anyone but me, but to me it makes sense and that’s the issue. My mind invented something where I can pray to pray for something. Yes, that’s right, and it makes no sense. Essentially these ideas for prayers come in automatically. I don’t necessarily choose them. I can somewhat choose how I react, but that is where it gets tricky. OCD also blunts my emotions with certain prayers or makes things feel more real than they are So, what happened, is my ocd targeted the theme I was most worried about having a bad prayer about, which was unfortunately racism. In the past, I made a mistake that was racist (I won’t get into what it was here), and I thought about it a lot. I imagined people never wanting to forgive me and saying I deserve to suffer forever. Additionally, worrying about making racist prayers made this go up. It was frustrating, because with ocd it can take what people say too literally. So if someone says: “you deserve to suffer,” I might be thinking that thinking about it 10 hours a day for multiple months was justified. This made me have a misdirected frustration towards the people I perceived as yelling at me, which was unfortunately people of color. Here’s where ocd comes in with the prayer obsession. OCD gave me the idea: well you’re so mad at them you could pray for them all to die. Unfortunately, with the prayer obsession I’ve had, I’ve had a bit of a history with doing bad prayers when I’m not feeling great, and I don’t know if that is just part of the ocd or not, or just doing them to do them. One example is world war 3. I don’t want people to get hurt, but when I was feeling horrible I thought “screw it, I’ll pray for it cause I want to die.” I knew God wouldn’t actually do it, and the normal me didn’t want him to. Then, and I don’t know why, it seemed extremely easy for a moment to pray for people of color to die, and I actually almost did it, but I stopped myself. This is where the praying to pray comes in. With ocd, if I have a moment where I almost did a bad prayer, my mind “saves” that mindset, and it is possible for me to go back to it any time. So this situation will present itself many times to me. With praying to pray, I can essentially be put back in the mindset at any time no matter what is going on, and by saying “amen,” my brain basically magically does it and it feels like the same thing. Because it feels real to me, it seems like the same thing as a prayer. Last night that is what I did for this and I regretted it less than a two seconds later. So basically, I ended up doing a prayer that was racist. This is exactly what happened in that moment. This isn’t who I normally am (although my brain would disagree), but in that moment, with magical thinking, I prayed for all people of color to die, out of what my brain said was “hatred.” My brain also said I felt genuine hatred, but I don’t think I really do. I think it is all related to a misdirected frustration of feeling like I was yelled at, which stemmed from ocd. After the prayer, all those feelings were immediately gone. I don’t know how messed up my brain was, or how much of a role ocd played. It probably at least blunted my emotions. It sort of came on all of the sudden too, but I did it. I’m really sorry. I don’t hate people of color despite what my brain says, but I feel like I did something really bad. When I sit with what happened and don’t engage with it, it does not feel like a big deal at all. The guilt is almost all ocd driven. So I don’t know if that means there is something I’m missing or not. I might be missing something, but I know what happened in the moment
- Date posted
- 16w
I wanna start out by saying, I am really proud of how far I've come in recognizing my OCD tendencies and learned about how it can show up intersectionally for BIPOC folks who have racialized trauma and how me, being a White person, how it manifests itself for me. I'd also like to say, this is gonna be more of an analytical and reflective post. Please feel free to read and respond with any critiques or thoughts you have. I'm embarrassed about it nowadays, but it's important to acknowledge because it was a HUGE part of my teenage personality, unfortunately. I used to be a HUGE Shane Dawson fan 😭 like, his content was my strongest hyperfixation to date. So at this point in time, I feel like I'm still trying to decipher what kind of racial commentary and satire and jokes are genuinely funny and which are just perpetuating stereotypes and straight up minstrelsy. Shout out to D'Angelo Wallace for making the video essay that woke me up to seeing this issue more clearly. I try to be aware of how I can easily fall into just laughing at racial stereotypes without being aware of the serious consequences it has for BIPOC people, but at the same time, I don't want to be too worried about everything being racist and therefore that means it's bad and should be banned, cause that's also not always helpful, I've noticed. So racialized fear and polarization is something I'm deconstructing. I hate to admit this, too, 'cause it's embarrassing, but my OCD seems to latch onto racial issues. I end up obsessing about whether or not I'm causing marginalized people harm or not, particularly when it comes to racism. I believe this is because I know I was one of those White kids who was into "edgy" humor when I was a teen. I think it's just lingering guilt from knowing that was wrong, but OCD makes my guilt and rumination and therefore compulsions to "fix" it so much worse than most people. It's frustrating, but I have come a very long way in confronting and dealing with it. I'm very proud of myself for being aware that that's an issue I have. I've got to give credit where credit is due, to my biracial friend (who also happens to have OCD) for essentially helping me learn this, albeit the hard way with many arguments about racism and trauma. It's something that isn't talked about much, but we're learning to build bridges in our understanding of how mental health affects us as people with different forms of racialized trauma. Mine's not so much trauma, but social stigma, whereas his was from actual bullying and harassment and physical assault, simply because of his race. I've also learned how to recognize and deal with my own mental health issues WHILE confronting race because of Black advocates like Tony Nabors who does Racial Equity Insights, F.D. Signifier who does really great intersectional analyses on social issues pertaining to Black people, and D'Angelo Wallace for being the first Black YouTuber that made the problem with Shane Dawson video that finally helped me break out of my lowkey toxic parasocial/trauma bond relationship I had with him, lol. Does this post seem too wordy and analytical for this forum? Let me know if this isn't the right audience for this type of writing and reflection. I just wanted to talk about it because it's something I had to figure out largely on my own. Wondering if anyone else relates to this or can see themselves in this.
- Date posted
- 13w
i need some kind words or maybe some advice? basically i went through trauma as a kid including sexual, and acted out in disturbing ways. I’ve done things i regret. even as an early teenager i did also. the only weird things ive done recently were compulsions and weird ocd driven stuff… but besides that ive found it easy to forgive myself for a lot of stuff because i know myself and my intentions and also talking to people helps. but one thing that’s hard is when im intimate with others or in a relationship. i feel so gross and undeserving like if they knew everything ive done in my life they would hate me. I don’t tell everyone everything, i think i only did that with therapists and like one family member. I feel like if I don’t tell someone everything I’ve done that I regret and see if they forgive me for it, then that means im “hiding” something about me and being malicious. anything helps :(
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond