- Username
- daffder
- Date posted
- 4y ago
And just to be totally clear so that you don't get stuck on the perspective that was in your post: you are not using your mental health as an excuse for unconscious racism coming out. The racist thoughts are no more an unconscious truth about you than the thoughts of people with pedophilia OCD. You've been working on your awareness of race and of spotting when you have a racist belief etc and that's great. But that stuff is absolutely not connected to the OCD you're having. The thoughts aren't coming from a racist part of you, they're coming from OCD, even though it feels like you're coming up with them. I have had racist intrusive thoughts before, in particular at times when I am annoyed with someone who is a minority and while I go "oops, that's really not a socially acceptable thought to have at ALL", I know that my actions are much more important and so I let it go instead of judging myself on it, which wouldn't get me anywhere. I separately continue to be aware and open to noticing racism in myself and listening if it's pointed out by someone else, so I can look at the beliefs and unbox them. But your intrusive thoughts and mine don't come from beliefs, they come from OCD. They're a different thing. If I have a thought which I actually agree with and then I think or am told that "hang on, does that have a tinge of racism/is it based on a racist belief?", that's the time to unpack that stuff. Having an intrusive thought that you know is wrong and would rather not have, doesn't need unpacking. It's an intrusive thought. They pop up and it feels like it's us, but you know you disagree with the thought, so it's an intrusive thought. Also: don't get meta. Don't go down these dark holes that people get in about "maybe I had the thought because I did unconsciously want it/like it/agree with it?". That's not how that works. If you know that you disagree with the thought, you're all good.
Well I obviously disagree with Kronk, but also kind of disagree with what you said too. In society we are raised to accept a racist status quo and with a lot of unconscious accepted ideas about race due to lack of representation, negative representation and long-standing stereotypes which are normalised, plus racist policies and structures. It's not "white people are innately racist", it's that all people are raised in a culture steeped in racism that people feel uncomfortable acknowledging. In any case I don't think your intrusive thoughts are happening because of some "innate" reason, they're happening because it's an anxiety provoking topic for anyone in your position and OCD loves to latch onto our shame and fears. It seems reasonable to tell your partner that you have OCD and once they are educated about that, to share that yours is focusing on racist stuff. But I say that with the following caveats: OCD can have a major feature of confession compulsions and feeling that whatever you keep private, you are keeping "secret"- this means that you need to first come to terms with the fact that you have the right to privacy including in a relationship, and it means that it is NOT carte blanche to tell your partner detail in your thoughts whenever you have a compulsion to. Over sharing will not get you anywhere: it will likely make them feel unsafe, it will make them feel frustrated that you won't quit confessing thoughts if you continue when they've asked you not to, and you will only worsen your OCD by seeking that self-reassurance of your moral goodness by confessing. The best way to deal with this is to not do what the moralising urges tell you to do. If this is something you would like to share as part of transparency within the relationship, the appropriate way to do so is gradually, with attentiveness to their comfort level, and to actually only share at times when you are NOT experiencing guilt and confession compulsions.
appreciate this!!! thank you
to clarify, we’ve known each other for a few months now, but we took a break bc of mental health issues and are at a point where we discuss most things openly
I would encourage talking with your therapist. I don't think you're correct in your thinking about white people though, I think that kind of thinking only furthers the issue, because having white skin doesn't make you innately racist, in fact, that thinking in itself is textbook racism! ? So I'd say just talk with your therapist, since harm OCD and taboo OCD can be very difficult to overcome, and your mind will thank you for going with a professional on this!
#nosuchthingasreverseracism
@Louw Well of course, that's just racism itself! ??
@Kronk Racism is systemic. So no.
@Louw ?
@Kronk ??♀️ not my job to educate ya
Exactly, intrusive
Racism OCD. Thinking I'm a bad person and feel ashamed around POC I know this is going to sound horrible, but I've recently started to worry when I'm around POC, like im an annoyance. I didn't start to worry like this until a few months ago. I don't know what's happened. I notice myself when I'm on a walk or out in public that I'll start to feel anxiety that I'm racist. Or maybe when I see a POC I automatically assume they think I'm racist? I know I'm white and part of the systemic racism problem & that I'm privileged to be a white man. I consider myself to be a Black Lives Matter/People of Color ally. I just don't know why I'm anxious. I'm pretty sure POC around me can tell as well. I don't know why my anxiety has picked up on this. Does anyone else struggle with this?
Convinced I'm a racist, even though it's the complete opposite of my morals & what I believe. - - - - - - I've currently been struggling with something that is going to make me sound like a piece of shit, even I recognize how messed up it's going to sound. Over the past couple months, I have been worrying about the proper way to interact with POC without coming across as racist. I know, this is already awful. I consider myself to be an ally who supports POC & civil rights movements. I'm ashamed of white people honestly, we've oppressed POC from the beginning of time. I'm personally ashamed of my white ethnicity. I've been even more so in the past year. I feel like my OCD has recently attached to this though. At least, I think it has, or maybe it's guilt knowing I'm white and part of systemic racism problem as a whole. When I pass a POC on the street, or in a place of business, I'll immediately start to get thoughts like "Am I coming across as rude? Am I being nice enough? Am I being too nice? Am I smiling too much? Am I smiling enough? Do I look uncomfortable? This isn't about me, so why am I anxious? Stop being so self centered. Are you appearing racist? What if this POC thinks I'm racist? That's awful to assume what they think. Stop making this about you!" And basically the entire time I'm trying to interact with someone of color, I have all this anxious dialogue in my head and I probably physically appear to be anxious, which in turn I'm sure the other person thinks "Why are they acting so tense/afraid?" It's not that I'm afraid, or dislike POC, I'm way too overly cautious, I recognize that, and it's actually coming across as racist. And I don't want to make this about me, because it's not, I can only imagine the racism POC have to endure on a daily basis. It's like my own OCD/anxiety is getting in the way. I hate it. I want to get over it. I don't know why it's coming up, but I want to get past this.
How do you open up to your therapist about very taboo OCD themes. I currently struggle with "Race OCD", always worrying if I'm coming across as racist to BIPOC. Racism is something that I find horrendous and awful. I consider myself to be an ally to BIPOC & to work and fight racism. So the fact that I'm worrying over interactions with people is complete opposite to my values. I act awkward around people, and I'm sure my anxiety is coming off as strange to people. I just don't know how to open up to my therapist about this without sounding like a piece of s***.
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