ive recently started seeing an individual who is a poc and its gotten me really acutely aware of my whiteness. While this is a good thing and encourages unlearning and awareness for me, it also has wreaked havoc on my harm and taboo thinking OCD. I find myself tackling a lot of racist taboo intrusive thinking and it really alarms me. I’m disturbed by these thoughts and disagree with them entirely. but although I know part of it is OCD, i also know that racism is innate in essentially all white folks, and I dont want to use my mental health as an excuse. I’ve mostly been tackling these thoughts on my own because I dont think it should be the persons responsibility, but now I worry that if I dont tell them, I am withholding information and tricking them and that I am bad for it. ive been preoccupied with it and whenever i think about it it makes me feel physically ill. I want to be honest and transparent with them, but I also want them to feel safe, and I can see these thoughts making them feel unsafe. If anyone has any advice it would be appreciated. (Preferably input from people of color willing to discuss this who feel safe/comfy engaging with me on it)

And just to be totally clear so that you don't get stuck on the perspective that was in your post: you are not using your mental health as an excuse for unconscious racism coming out. The racist thoughts are no more an unconscious truth about you than the thoughts of people with pedophilia OCD. You've been working on your awareness of race and of spotting when you have a racist belief etc and that's great. But that stuff is absolutely not connected to the OCD you're having. The thoughts aren't coming from a racist part of you, they're coming from OCD, even though it feels like you're coming up with them. I have had racist intrusive thoughts before, in particular at times when I am annoyed with someone who is a minority and while I go "oops, that's really not a socially acceptable thought to have at ALL", I know that my actions are much more important and so I let it go instead of judging myself on it, which wouldn't get me anywhere. I separately continue to be aware and open to noticing racism in myself and listening if it's pointed out by someone else, so I can look at the beliefs and unbox them. But your intrusive thoughts and mine don't come from beliefs, they come from OCD. They're a different thing. If I have a thought which I actually agree with and then I think or am told that "hang on, does that have a tinge of racism/is it based on a racist belief?", that's the time to unpack that stuff. Having an intrusive thought that you know is wrong and would rather not have, doesn't need unpacking. It's an intrusive thought. They pop up and it feels like it's us, but you know you disagree with the thought, so it's an intrusive thought. Also: don't get meta. Don't go down these dark holes that people get in about "maybe I had the thought because I did unconsciously want it/like it/agree with it?". That's not how that works. If you know that you disagree with the thought, you're all good.

Well I obviously disagree with Kronk, but also kind of disagree with what you said too. In society we are raised to accept a racist status quo and with a lot of unconscious accepted ideas about race due to lack of representation, negative representation and long-standing stereotypes which are normalised, plus racist policies and structures. It's not "white people are innately racist", it's that all people are raised in a culture steeped in racism that people feel uncomfortable acknowledging. In any case I don't think your intrusive thoughts are happening because of some "innate" reason, they're happening because it's an anxiety provoking topic for anyone in your position and OCD loves to latch onto our shame and fears. It seems reasonable to tell your partner that you have OCD and once they are educated about that, to share that yours is focusing on racist stuff. But I say that with the following caveats: OCD can have a major feature of confession compulsions and feeling that whatever you keep private, you are keeping "secret"- this means that you need to first come to terms with the fact that you have the right to privacy including in a relationship, and it means that it is NOT carte blanche to tell your partner detail in your thoughts whenever you have a compulsion to. Over sharing will not get you anywhere: it will likely make them feel unsafe, it will make them feel frustrated that you won't quit confessing thoughts if you continue when they've asked you not to, and you will only worsen your OCD by seeking that self-reassurance of your moral goodness by confessing. The best way to deal with this is to not do what the moralising urges tell you to do. If this is something you would like to share as part of transparency within the relationship, the appropriate way to do so is gradually, with attentiveness to their comfort level, and to actually only share at times when you are NOT experiencing guilt and confession compulsions.

to clarify, we’ve known each other for a few months now, but we took a break bc of mental health issues and are at a point where we discuss most things openly

I would encourage talking with your therapist. I don't think you're correct in your thinking about white people though, I think that kind of thinking only furthers the issue, because having white skin doesn't make you innately racist, in fact, that thinking in itself is textbook racism! ? So I'd say just talk with your therapist, since harm OCD and taboo OCD can be very difficult to overcome, and your mind will thank you for going with a professional on this!

Exactly, intrusive