Used to think my having HOCD was some magic guarantee that my fear of being not straight couldn’t be true or ever come true; obviously now I see that was a dangerous compulsion but it’s extremely hard seeing examples of people with HOCD recovering and then discovering/accepting they are actually bi or gay. That’s the biggest fear that I think keeps me from properly throwing myself into recovery because I feel like my anxiety is proof of my sexuality or something.

Hey Soph, are you sure that information is true? I know that telling yourself " i have hocd therefore i'm not gay" is a compulsion, but the fact of the matter is usually people suffering from SOOCD (sexual orientation ocd) remain in the same sexual orientation they always believed themselves to be before the obsession hit, they just accept that a symptom of having soocd is doubting that and possibly having groinal responses and to prevent anxiety from taking over they'll retort to ther thoughts "yeah, well maybe you DO make me gay and what's wrong with that?" Now that doesn't mean that they consider themselves to be gay, that just means that they have embraced the fact that ultimately human sexuality is complicated and you choose to make it what you desire. If you are a woman who wants to be with men and you want to be straight, well then, you are. No amount of symptoms can take that away from you, but you have to learn how to live in uncertainty because the fact is, our minds work differently and will always try to get us down with doubts, distorted trips down memory lane, groinal responses, intrusive thoughts and urges, etc. And the only way we stop these thoughts from taking over our lives is by recognizing they exist and letting them happen, not giving them the power they so desire by not feeding into fear. So if a groinal impulse comes along when you see someone of the same sex, it's not about freaking out and thinking "OMG IS THIS PROOF I'M GAY?" but rather saying " i'm straight, but you know what, if you're trying to tell me i'm gay then that's cool too." Now, this doesn't mean you turn gay now - it just means you don't give the ocd the fear that it so craves to come back every time. It happens for homosexuals as well but with people of the opposite sex, and ultimately they decide to follow their truest feeling and remain gay and understand that their brain is ultimately trying to perpetuate the cycle of anxiety and they simply acknowledge that and move on.

Like it feels deep down im bi or leabain or pan

I’m not sure where you’re finding these examples, but they are the exception, not the rule. The data collected by OCD Specialists show that people with HOCD that recover typically are able to accept the uncertainty and ambiguity of sexual orientation while continuing to live and identify as they did before this particular OCD theme. Is there someone out there who has “discovered” they were gay eventually? Maybe. But that has nothing to do with you. This would actually be a GREAT script topic for you for ERP. Write out a story where you recover and later discover/accept that you’re bi/gay. Read it 10 times a day for the next 2 weeks and see how you feel about all of this then.

Omg i feel like this is me

Like ive done so manu things that would make me bi or lesbain

This is my biggest fear.