I was recently diagnosed with OCD 2 months ago and wanted to share my crazy story with you all. I’ve showed signs since puberty, but it got really bad 2 years ago when I moved across the country. It was mainly health OCD. Checking blood pressure, pulse, even blood sugar bc I was convinced something was constantly wrong. I have lupus and am afraid of having another illness doctors won’t catch. I had a couple intrusive thoughts about stabbing myself but thought it was a one off thing. I saw a therapist and tried Cymbalta, which helped a little bit but I was never accurately diagnosed w OCD. I moved back home in part due to the anxiety, but my health OCD persisted. June of this year I competed in bodybuilding and my symptoms skyrocketed post-show. 24/7 nausea and heart pounding, but I kept telling myself it’d go away. I was in an intense state of panic for 3 weeks straight without understanding why or how to make it stop. Then I experienced suicidal urges really intensely and constantly, like the anxiety got so high it didn’t know what else to do. I was terrified. I told my family ASAP. I went through a partial hospitalization program and started seeing a therapist, but again wasn’t diagnosed with OCD. They took me off Cymbalta and all I took was Seroquel for sleep. I saw a psychiatrist but she told me there was nothing else I could try (so maddening!) A couple months go by and I’m still getting worse despite being in therapy, and now I have intrusive thoughts of cutting myself CONSTANTLY. I can’t be around sharp objects and keep thinking I’m going to off myself if I’m alone too long. I knew something was wrong but didn’t know what. I thought I was bipolar, schizophrenic, had ADHD, PTSD, constantly jumping from one thing to another to explain what I was experiencing. I still think I’m going crazy sometimes. I thought no one could help me bc I was so strange and unusual. I stopped working. I tried to start college, but October 1st I told my family I couldn’t take it anymore and went inpatient bc of the suicidal urges would not go away. I never wanted to die. My brain was telling me to act, to DO SOMETHING but I couldn’t control it. They started me on Lexapro, but I had bad side effects so I switched to Zoloft. I noticed a difference almost immediately. 10/8 after I was released I did partial hospitalization AGAIN and saw a new therapist and psychiatrist. They both said I showed signs of OCD but I didn’t believe them (I really thought I was a crazy person who would try to hurt themselves). The more I work with my therapist, the more I’ve come to accept the diagnosis. After doing research I see the symptoms fit me to a T and explain a lot of the last 2 years of my life. I feel less responsibility for how “bad” I got knowing it’s a disorder, not my own mishandling of major life stressors. Idk how no one caught it sooner and had no idea it could get so bad. I have a hard time trusting myself. My mom has had OCD since she was a teenager and I see a lot of her in me. A week ago I did ERP for the Suicide OCD for the first time, and WOW my suicidal urges went away almost immediately! This is so long and I’m sorry but i wanted to share this with you all to see if anyone else has experienced something similar. Do not stop seeking help until you find something that works for you!