does anyone have anything to say about this: growing up i would always talk to myself. always. mainly because i was an only child and my parents didn’t try to entertain me. so i resulted in entertaining myself consistently. over time i’ve developed a branch of psychosis, called maladaptive daydreaming. i’ve had this for over 3 years now. back when i first found out what it was, there were many things people would say it was connected to; OCD, ADHD, depression, and schizophrenia. back then i didn’t think i had any of that, nor did i care. i just knew i had MDD, and i was okay with that. now, it feels like i have all of it and more. i hate self diagnosing, at least for myself, but i really hope i do not develop schizophrenia.. or.. i hope i do not have it already.

okay pretty sure i’m developing this now as it’s been a background obsession for a while. my brain keeps thinking of demons and a white witch coming to get me and i was lying alone in the dark and i keep seeing this white shadowy thing or if i see a glare in some glass or something my brain just says “the white witch is coming for you” and then i get paranoid about it because i feel like it’s something that somebody hallucinating/ delusional would think. and i keep thinking about really scary paranormal stuff which is so scary and then i’m wondering why am i so paranoid and scared about this because i don’t think it’s real but then i get scared saying that thinking it will get mad at me if i say it’s not real, and then i think it’s probably schizophrenia for me to believe this but then i get worried that it’s not and apparently if u pay attention to this scary stuff it comes for you and now i’m scared af. i hate that i used the word “it” aswell cos it makes it seem more real. because i don’t want to say it’s not in case there is something, but i don’t want to even believe this because i think it’s abit delusional and it’s like a PARADOX! and then whenever i start thinking about exsistential things it horrible because it always just goes back to me possibly have schizophrenia or developing it due to thinking weird stuff about the universe and my identity. and it’s bad because someone in my family has it and due to the diathesis stress model it’s more likely to occur when u have a genetic risk and prolonged environmental stress which i obviously have had now for the past 2 years due to harm and sexual related themes literally scaring the shit out of me :((( and i’m not at the age where it develops yet which is the early 20s so basically there’s still a chance and i’m scared now and don’t rlly know what to do cos i have a feeling the gene is triggered and now i’m just waiting for the symptoms to go fully blown and they’re already beginning. and i keep having this horrible feeling my hands are on backwards and it’s so scary and i feel like i’m having sensory hallucinations… and i get alice and wonderland syndrome where everything starts to feel rlly rlly fast (but i’ve had this since i was young, it’s just been abit more often recently) and i’m getting it more often and i’m just terrified that i’m starting to get hallucinations. I’m basically just venting so other people can feel less alone with this, not seeking any reassurance

So I've always felt so different like there's something terribly wrong with me. I've spent many years trying to figure out whats wrong. I've done research and I even went into a job centered around it all. My dad had OCD growing up but since my compulsions aren't...obvious? I never thought about OCD until recently. I've been diagnosed BPD and now most recently ADHD. I have always been diagnosed anxiety and depression since I was young. But im really starting to think its been OCD all along. I'm not sure my point in this post I just wanted to get this off my chest.

I struggle so, so much with maladaptive daydreaming, have since I was little, and it's taken over my life. I want it to stop, but it's so hard when my thoughts keep REPEATING. I've heard from others that I'll need to break my own heart, tell myself that nothing I'm thinking is real, and to face up to reality. I know daydreaming is a distracting and reality-voiding coping mechanism, and it's not healthy or helpful when overindulged. And I identify thoughts in which I imagine certain scenarios going perfectly. But it's really difficult because a lot of my daydreaming thoughts are about creative stuff. And not made up characters that I spend time with myself, but characters who I draw and write about just like any illustrator. I've talked to a therapist about the difference between nurturing my creativity and daydreaming in a harmful way, and her advice was useful: "It's wonderful to use your imagination and be creative. Stop when your thoughts start to involve real-life people." I'm still having difficulty understanding how harmful my fictional stories/daydreams are, since I still use them to distract myself. Does anyone else struggle with maladaptive daydreaming?