I’ve lost my sense of identity now (I don’t know how I am or what I want). I recently read that we can force ourselves to love people, be in denial when it comes to who we really are and develop attraction to an array of different people before and after puberty. Now it seems like my whole life is a lie. Has everything been forced? Am I secretly bi and in denial? Ugh, I hate it. To make it worse, I was recently watching a TV game show and a question about Katy Perry and her songs popped up. My immediate answer was her song I kissed a girl. Obviously, I took that as a mental sign. On top of that, I’ve had many “uncertain,” crushes (I wasn’t too sure whether I really liked them) that have actually developed into love. Now I’m wondering whether I forced myself to feel that way and I feel horrible; I just want to be with a man, not a woman. The idea of touching a women inappropriately makes me want to cry and throw up; it generally makes me distressed and uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do because I don’t know who I am anymore; I was so boy crazy and romantic beforehand. Now I’m plagued with anxiety and uncertainty.

I don’t necessarily think your attraction changes as you get older. I think we get curious about different things but i think our overall attraction stays the same

One thing that stands out to me about your post is the word "forced" over and over. To "force" an action implies somebody imposing decisions and actions on other people, usually with a threat of negative consequences for non-compliance. By applying that word to ourselves (which is common btw, lots of people talk about "forcing" themselves to do things, myself included) we remove our autonomy. Unless someone else is truly forcing our behaviors, we are CHOOSING how we want to act. Reframing decisions as choices lets us focus on what positive things we want to move towards instead of what negative things we are trying to move away from. Choice also means that we can make different decisions in the future. It embraces change and growth

You could be, who honestly knows, at some point it doesnt even matter anymore cause youre gonna continue your same attraction while having thoughts of the opposite attraction. Do what makes you happy despite the thoughts

To follow up with that, I like to think of OCD as a separate entity from my mind. It’s what “forces” me to think and do things out of fear. I think labeling OCD as being separate from who we actually are helps give us a fighting chance when we are struggling with those thoughts we don’t want to be having.

I am dealing with nearly exact the same thoughts right now. But I try to push through them without seeking reassurance and just accept the possibility that I could be attracted to more than one gender. The anxiety nearly kills me though, I've been with my boyfriend for more than a decade now and love him to pieces and the idea that all of that could have been a lie and fall apart is just so hard to accept without reassurance... the last 6 months were actually prettygood and I could deal with the thoughts in a mindful way and felt really joyful and at ease, but due to stress and a transition ahead from uni to a new job I got myself triggered and now the crippling fear is back:( but I keep telling myself that I can get to that healthy balance again if I just hang in there, try to use mindfulness or do some self directed ERP and not seek reassurance or do compulsions .. I wish the tele-therapy would be available outside of the US, I would love to try it and get help with this from a professional, it is so difficult to find adequate and affordable treatment in my area...

I completely understand I’m so sorry; ERP can be extremely difficult and sometimes I feel the need to ask for reassurance because too many thoughts bombard me at once and my mind is unable to think of anything else (even if I try my hardest). I often give myself headaches and crying episodes if I don’t seek help during these difficult periods because I can’t cope with all the possibilities in front of me. Usually, it’s when I receive several mental images along with false urges that make me uncomfortable. Sometimes my mind will ask me whether I’ve come out yet and I don’t understand where the voice is coming from nor do I understand how to make it go away. Also, due to the fact that there’s a fine line between denial and HOCD I often get confused as I’m unable to decipher despite the distress I feel constantly. It’s agonizing, it truly is.

It is true, I also feel so devastated and cry constantly and my mind just seems to want absolute clarity and certainty. It makes me doubt I even have OCD and just use it as an excuse to keep lying to myself. As I never got a proper diagnosis (I have seen two therapists who assumed that it is OCD but as they both couldn't offer me a spot, they didn't do an official diagnosis) this is also a nice topic to unsettle me. While I was doing better and also before this whole intrusive shit started I actually didn't really care about my exact sexual orientation and always was open to the possibility of also being a little bit attracted to women (never in a physical or sexual way as this just doesn't appeal to me on any level, but rather in an appreciating/admiring way) and the thought about sexual fluidity also made sense to me. I just wasn't scared of it because I was sure about the connection to my boyfriend and never felt any need to explore. But with this anxiety it seems that I cannot accept any ambivalence and crave to be 100% sure that I am 100% straight or everything I feel for my boyfriend emotionally or sexually must have been a lie or compulsory heterosexuality. I kind of feel forced to think in black and white terms while I know that sexuality very often is not that linear and that this is ok.. I also recognise OCD-behaviour in other situations, especially with themes about health, relationships or perfectionism. In general, I have a really hard time to accept uncertainty in any way. It always starts with a thought or doubt or fear and the urge to reassure myself that it is not true. And mostly there is no real answer to these questions, so the reassurance-seeking makes the fear worse.. I have so much to work on but I am glad I found this app, so I have at least a little bit of guidance :)