- Username
- myocdstory
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I know that it feels like The Problem is your thoughts, the memory, the ethics of the situation, etc. But right now, in this moment, the problem is the anxiety you’re having. Do whatever it is you need to do to ease the anxiety, that you KNOW works, and that won’t cause adverse effects. Because you have OCD, debating the question probably isn’t what will help. If you don’t know what will help, reach out to a professional for ideas. Strong emotions cloud judgment and interfere with memory. Once you’re out of the grip of intense anxiety, you’ll be able to consider the situation more clearly. Believe me, it’ll keep. Right now, you need to calm your brain down. Focus on that for the moment 💜
Reassurance makes it worse love. Maybe you did do somthing sketchy. But... Let's say I had tons of sexual thoughts about the guys and girls in my class a few years ago. Am I a terrible person who deserves to die? I would venture to say no... Eo2uld you disagree?
No, of course you don't deserve to die... It's just... Well, I imagined myself with a teen (maybe, I don't know if this is a false memory). I was a teen in the fantasy but I can't shake the feeling I did something awful. What you hypothetically did was nothing wrong.
@myocdstory So... what I may have done doesnt change my worth as a human being? Ok. But what YOU may have done changes your worth as a human being? Why is that?
@Daisy102 What I did was unethical in a higher level... That's why I deserve to be punished.
@myocdstory Ok... So you think you deserve to be punished. Lets say for sake of argument i am pretty convinced I sexually abused a toddler I babysat. Now I too would go to jail if that were true. But... Why? What is the purpose of going to jail? Is it truly to dish out justice, or merely to keep society safe? Is the purspose of punishment to condemn someone and say they are worthless and bad, or is it to teach and shape behavior? Thoughts?
@Daisy102 I get what you are going with this. Of course, jail - the concept, I mean - should be both to keep the society safe but also try to shape the criminal. I know that some of them are very bad people... But I believe in treating everyone with respect and human dignity, even if they killed 100 people. I know this sounds awful but, I don't know... Something inside me wants NOT to mistreat them. Instead, try to change them or the very least, treat everyone with respect. I'm so sorry... I'm rambling. I know what goal you intend to reach but... I feel like I deserve to be punished? Like, emotionally and physically hurt. That's what I do to myself. I would hit myself and cut myself and treat me like trash, that's what I do. I'm so sorry for not being able to change... I get your point. I do. And you have a lot of logic in your argument, but human nature can't always succumb to logic. My self hatred has no reason... I just hate myself. It's probably a neurochemical imbalance.
@myocdstory Okay. That's valid. And i agree on the criminal thing by the way. So... Its sounds like you think you can't change. Is that correct? Why cant you change? I'm not arguing with you, but I want to better understand what you're thinking. If you cant change, why not? Can anyone change? Do you believe in free will?
@Daisy102 I do believe people can change but for some reason I'm not able to change from this "self-hatred" mindset. There's a block that doesn't allow me to love myself. I don't know what it is or how to destroy it. It's probably a religious thing, even though I'm not religious at all.
@myocdstory Honey, are you on any medication? Because I recognize myself in you. The incessant feeling that I “should” be punished. The existential crisis. The double standard that other people can change and be forgiven or whatever else, but I can’t, or shouldn’t, or don’t deserve to. I was only able to start breaking out of this mental trap with medication. When you’re in this deep, IMO, the problem has concetrated itself in your anatomy, and you need to go in and change the physical structures and functions of your brain before you can hope to get a handle on your thoughts.
Hello dear 😊 I won't reassure you that you did nothing bad because it wouldn't help you long term. You have to accept the fact that there is a possibility that you indeed did something "wrong" (this possibility is inherent in everything we do). But that is the point, we never get to do something 100% right. You can't change it anymore. And I know you want to, but atm you certainly can't forget it. So what you can do is accept that you think about it, the fact that you can't change and be present. Sending lots of love and strength your way!
*would
Again, I feel that arguing about whether or not you did something wrong or not, deserve to go to jail, the concept of jail etc is not helping. Your OCD will always come up with something new that makes you think"alright, but what if I'm different, what if this doesn't apply to me... " You can't think your way out of your illness. It is not possible, there is no intellectual solution you'll find if you just think harder about it. I know it feels extremely irresponsible, but to get better (and I know you don't feel like you deserve to) and most importantly to see clearer again, you have to get away from your thoughts. You have to distance yourself from them. This does not mean pushing them away but rather watching them at first, while you do what you value.
I'm sorry, please help me understand. What can we DO to distance ourselves from our thoughts? Like what are practical things we can do?
@Daisy102 S-, forgive me... I just... There's nothing I can do. I hate myself so much. There's nothing that will change my mind. I just had a talk with my ex and I'm not well... I finally understood what went wrong but it's nothing I can change and it hurts so much that I never felt worthy of her because that was what destroyed the relationship... I know she deserves better but I am still so hurt because I'll never be able to change that mindset... And I'm so hurt that I'll never be with her again... But I know she deserves better... And I'm like this... But if I can't be happy why am I still here?
@myocdstory If I cant be happy, why am I still here? Okay... Lets talk about that. What are some potential reasons you are here? Think about it. Lets say I was feeling suicidal. I would feel like I cant be happy. So... What would be my purpose? Should I just kill myself? Can a sad person still do good in the world? Is it possible that people love you and are helped by you and you don't realize? (Hint: why do I keep telling you I love you if I don't?)
@myocdstory Also... If you want to text on instagram I made a new account for this forum... DaisyDay102
@Daisy102 I sent you a. MEssage through there!
Meditate. Try to learn how to see the thoughts flow by, like a river, and you are just looking at them, not swimming in the river
Thank you Somi💛 that's helpful☺
+18 TRIGGER WARNING I’ve been rethinking things from the past and one of those things was a conversation I had with someone on the chatting app yik yak about six months ago. On there, I joined the smut community and started posting stuff on there (story excerpts, writing questions, etc.) and someone dmed me about one of my posts. They asked if we could role-play a situation about a husband and wife. It got pretty graphic, too. We moved off the app and started texting but my anxiety got the better of me and I looked up their number and found their social media. It confirmed the school that they told me they went to, their major, work experience, and even their name. According to their social media, they’re 23 (22 during the time of our conversation) and I’m pretty sure it’s the same guy. Still, I DONT KNOW for certain and I’m scared that I was interacting with someone underaged the entire time. I’ve been going back through screenshots to try to decipher what I can find but it still hangs over my head. (Edit: I did ask for their age when we were texting and I remember that they told me they were 22. But I can’t find any of those texts and I’m scared that my mind is just filling in the blanks. I have had their number blocked and deleted from my phone since March of this year.)
I feel like a really terrible person right now, I keep replaying this, and no matter what I can’t remember what happened, it’s like my brain is purposely not letting me think about it. Without wasting any more time, I’ll get into it. Basically, I was at Walmart, and looking at cards with My Dad, I saw anime ones, took pictures of them for my sister, even ones that were anime kids, because I did my best to ignore it, so I looked at a Hunter x Hunter card, I stared at the black haired kid, being all like “ I’m glad I’m not having any thoughts about this, I’m glad I’m having normal thoughts and not thinking anything” I felt happy, then as soon as I looked at killua (white haired kid), everything collapsed. I don’t know what happened, my brain won’t let me remember. But I’ll give bits and pieces. I think that I had false attraction, and something in my head, said “oh, I wouldn’t mind being attracted.” “He is attractive, and I’m attracted to him.” “I remember a girl thinking he is attractive and he is” “ It’s not wrong to be attracted” “ I don’t care about his age” .. something along the lines of that, and now I’m panicking super hard, because I’m worried if I said those things, I feel like I ruined my life that I’m a pe//do and deserve nothing, idk what to do, I feel terrible… I remember when I was having the intrusive thoughts, I was panicking and was worrying, but it kept playing out, and I kept hearing things talk, it was drawn out too long, that now I feel convinced that I was saying those things, I tested it too, and I can confirm that I didn’t say that, but why am I still not convinced? I know I wouldn’t say those things, I was hoping the complete opposite would happen. My brain kept making me feel like it wasn’t wrong and it was okay. Maybe that’s why I’m so convinced I did that. I’m just spiraling super bad right now, I don’t know what to do or what to think, I don’t know if I said that or not… even if I did test it, I genuinely just feel like I said it, and I wanted it, because I still feel uncertain, I still feel like I said it, part of me just wants to be like oh I did and so I can move on, not because I agree with it, I just don’t know what else to do… I’m really scared.
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