myocdstory
- Date posted
- 4y
LunettaLunetta
- Date posted
- 4y
I know that it feels like The Problem is your thoughts, the memory, the ethics of the situation, etc. But right now, in this moment, the problem is the anxiety you’re having. Do whatever it is you need to do to ease the anxiety, that you KNOW works, and that won’t cause adverse effects. Because you have OCD, debating the question probably isn’t what will help. If you don’t know what will help, reach out to a professional for ideas. Strong emotions cloud judgment and interfere with memory. Once you’re out of the grip of intense anxiety, you’ll be able to consider the situation more clearly. Believe me, it’ll keep. Right now, you need to calm your brain down. Focus on that for the moment 💜
Daisy102Daisy102
- Date posted
- 4y
Reassurance makes it worse love. Maybe you did do somthing sketchy. But... Let's say I had tons of sexual thoughts about the guys and girls in my class a few years ago. Am I a terrible person who deserves to die? I would venture to say no... Eo2uld you disagree?
myocdstorymyocdstory
- Date posted
- 4y
No, of course you don't deserve to die... It's just... Well, I imagined myself with a teen (maybe, I don't know if this is a false memory). I was a teen in the fantasy but I can't shake the feeling I did something awful. What you hypothetically did was nothing wrong.
Daisy102Daisy102
- Date posted
- 4y
@myocdstory So... what I may have done doesnt change my worth as a human being? Ok. But what YOU may have done changes your worth as a human being? Why is that?
myocdstorymyocdstory
- Date posted
- 4y
@Daisy102 What I did was unethical in a higher level... That's why I deserve to be punished.
Daisy102Daisy102
- Date posted
- 4y
@myocdstory Ok... So you think you deserve to be punished. Lets say for sake of argument i am pretty convinced I sexually abused a toddler I babysat. Now I too would go to jail if that were true. But... Why? What is the purpose of going to jail? Is it truly to dish out justice, or merely to keep society safe? Is the purspose of punishment to condemn someone and say they are worthless and bad, or is it to teach and shape behavior? Thoughts?
myocdstorymyocdstory
- Date posted
- 4y
@Daisy102 I get what you are going with this. Of course, jail - the concept, I mean - should be both to keep the society safe but also try to shape the criminal. I know that some of them are very bad people... But I believe in treating everyone with respect and human dignity, even if they killed 100 people. I know this sounds awful but, I don't know... Something inside me wants NOT to mistreat them. Instead, try to change them or the very least, treat everyone with respect. I'm so sorry... I'm rambling. I know what goal you intend to reach but... I feel like I deserve to be punished? Like, emotionally and physically hurt. That's what I do to myself. I would hit myself and cut myself and treat me like trash, that's what I do. I'm so sorry for not being able to change... I get your point. I do. And you have a lot of logic in your argument, but human nature can't always succumb to logic. My self hatred has no reason... I just hate myself. It's probably a neurochemical imbalance.
Daisy102Daisy102
- Date posted
- 4y
@myocdstory Okay. That's valid. And i agree on the criminal thing by the way. So... Its sounds like you think you can't change. Is that correct? Why cant you change? I'm not arguing with you, but I want to better understand what you're thinking. If you cant change, why not? Can anyone change? Do you believe in free will?
myocdstorymyocdstory
- Date posted
- 4y
@Daisy102 I do believe people can change but for some reason I'm not able to change from this "self-hatred" mindset. There's a block that doesn't allow me to love myself. I don't know what it is or how to destroy it. It's probably a religious thing, even though I'm not religious at all.
LunettaLunetta
- Date posted
- 4y
@myocdstory Honey, are you on any medication? Because I recognize myself in you. The incessant feeling that I “should” be punished. The existential crisis. The double standard that other people can change and be forgiven or whatever else, but I can’t, or shouldn’t, or don’t deserve to. I was only able to start breaking out of this mental trap with medication. When you’re in this deep, IMO, the problem has concetrated itself in your anatomy, and you need to go in and change the physical structures and functions of your brain before you can hope to get a handle on your thoughts.
SoMi1907SoMi1907
- Date posted
- 4y
Hello dear 😊 I won't reassure you that you did nothing bad because it wouldn't help you long term. You have to accept the fact that there is a possibility that you indeed did something "wrong" (this possibility is inherent in everything we do). But that is the point, we never get to do something 100% right. You can't change it anymore. And I know you want to, but atm you certainly can't forget it. So what you can do is accept that you think about it, the fact that you can't change and be present. Sending lots of love and strength your way!
Daisy102Daisy102
- Date posted
- 4y
*would
SoMi1907SoMi1907
- Date posted
- 4y
Again, I feel that arguing about whether or not you did something wrong or not, deserve to go to jail, the concept of jail etc is not helping. Your OCD will always come up with something new that makes you think"alright, but what if I'm different, what if this doesn't apply to me... " You can't think your way out of your illness. It is not possible, there is no intellectual solution you'll find if you just think harder about it. I know it feels extremely irresponsible, but to get better (and I know you don't feel like you deserve to) and most importantly to see clearer again, you have to get away from your thoughts. You have to distance yourself from them. This does not mean pushing them away but rather watching them at first, while you do what you value.
Daisy102Daisy102
- Date posted
- 4y
I'm sorry, please help me understand. What can we DO to distance ourselves from our thoughts? Like what are practical things we can do?
myocdstorymyocdstory
- Date posted
- 4y
@Daisy102 S-, forgive me... I just... There's nothing I can do. I hate myself so much. There's nothing that will change my mind. I just had a talk with my ex and I'm not well... I finally understood what went wrong but it's nothing I can change and it hurts so much that I never felt worthy of her because that was what destroyed the relationship... I know she deserves better but I am still so hurt because I'll never be able to change that mindset... And I'm so hurt that I'll never be with her again... But I know she deserves better... And I'm like this... But if I can't be happy why am I still here?
Daisy102Daisy102
- Date posted
- 4y
@myocdstory If I cant be happy, why am I still here? Okay... Lets talk about that. What are some potential reasons you are here? Think about it. Lets say I was feeling suicidal. I would feel like I cant be happy. So... What would be my purpose? Should I just kill myself? Can a sad person still do good in the world? Is it possible that people love you and are helped by you and you don't realize? (Hint: why do I keep telling you I love you if I don't?)
Daisy102Daisy102
- Date posted
- 4y
@myocdstory Also... If you want to text on instagram I made a new account for this forum... DaisyDay102
myocdstorymyocdstory
- Date posted
- 4y
@Daisy102 I sent you a. MEssage through there!
SoMi1907SoMi1907
- Date posted
- 4y
Meditate. Try to learn how to see the thoughts flow by, like a river, and you are just looking at them, not swimming in the river
Daisy102Daisy102
- Date posted
- 4y
Thank you Somi💛 that's helpful☺
SoMi1907SoMi1907
- Date posted
- 4y
Related posts
Northern_Dow...
- Date posted
- 24w
Real Event OCD is a different breed (18+)
Being exposed to taboo p*rn as young as first grade ruined my life and now ocd is making me pay for it. I have so much guilt for being a child/teen and looking at taboo stuff, and it was all fictional or anime or whatever but it was still so so gross. and I didn't realize It because I had been used to it at so young 🫠 I think what haunts me most is when I was a kid/young teen (like 12-14ish) and didn't have access to p*rn I'd imagine stuff similar to what I'd seen in the art. I can't even believe I'd imagine scenarios involving kid characters or whatever because it had been so normalized to me and I assumed it was normal since it was fiction. I'm 23 now so it's been a decade since I've done anything like that and I've never had the urge to since but still. I've NEVER been attracted to kids or had any urges or anything ever, even when I was addicted. The thought makes me want to vomit, I'd rather die than associate anything sexual with kids/minors and I think people who groom or assault kids are vile. But I still feel like the fact that I imagined stuff similar to the things I read sometimes when I was young is proof I'm a p*do. I don't think people would believe me if I said I'm not. I just feel like I don't deserve to live or that if I do, I'm living a lie. I know 'I was a kid too' but even when I was 13/14 I read/imagined stuff with characters younger than me because I thought it was normal. I'm so disgusted. I've had this theme for so long I'm starting to wonder if ocd is right. I feel too ashamed to tell my therapist.
anonymous2580
- Date posted
- 22w
Remembering things from my childhood
(20f) I have been dealing with severe OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember. I recently got diagnosed about a year ago, and even though I know that these thoughts are probably my ocd, I still cant shake them. Growing up I was always very sexually curious. I was sheltered from a lot of things, as I went to a private school and things like sexuality and sex were never talked about. I remember doing some weird sexual things growing up (never affecting another person), looking up taboo sexual things, etc. I always seemed to become aroused no matter what the situation was, even if I just saw someone getting changed. I have no recollection of being SA'd, so i'm wondering where this all came from? Was I just curious and wanted to experiment and try different things? Or am I really a pervert, pedophile, etc. I have all these thoughts racing through my head and it's killing me. Everything I did as a kid I look back on and am disgusted, as those don't align with my views at all today. I never thought growing up thinking these things were wrong, or actually realize what they were until I got older. I'd like to think it was just my curiosity, but i'm not sure. What if i'm in denial and actually do like these things? I just need to know if theres something wrong w me, I cant keep going on like this. Could really use some advice.
Ishtar._
- Date posted
- 18w
i don't think i have OCD..
hello everybody! 🔞 last saturday i did something i shouldn't have done, and i even posted about it here, but no one responded to my post (it's okay, i completely understand). to inform you, since i deleted the post: i consumed erotic literature where two 14 year old children had a relationship (☠️), on wattpad. and i consumed this theme to see if i was really attracted to it..i think. i'm unsure about it, but i know i didn't feel anything consuming it. i was feeling extremely anxious and felt extremely bad the next day, and i only got better when i talked to my girlfriend and an online friend. i'm still feeling bad, i know i shouldn't have done it and whenever i'm feeling genuinely good, it comes back to haunt me.. i'm worried because i'm not feeling enough guilt or remorse, idk.. i feel bad and i regret it, and i can't stand going through this problem anymore.. i was in therapy a few months ago, but i stopped for financial reasons and my psychologist doesn't see me virtually anymore. it's been difficult.. just a vent.
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