"am I disgusting?" (24,f) OK, what I'm about to tell you might be a false memory because I don't remember much details on this and ofc I'm assuming the worse. Over a year ago (prior to april 2019), I used to have both sexual and Romantic fantasies with made up people. Unfortunately, I was already over 20 (21-22) and remember a fantasy about me being 16-17 again (basically still in HS) in a all-boys team of baseball. Why? I love baseball and such thing is not available in my country. 2. I love hanging with guys... They are so sweet to me and I usually get along with them. I'm gay... Ish. And I remember also putting another girl on the team, I think... But I don't remember what "story" I gave her and what age, nor her face, nor personality!! I can't be certain but I feel like I created aome romantic attraction between us and I'm not sure.. Today, I feel super anxious about it... Like "what if she was too young?" or "what if I put us dating?" I truly don't remember. I'm not even sure she existed. I have the slight memory she appeared in that fantasy a couple of times but I can't recall anything at all. I know this is silly but oh boy... I feel awful...

No, of course you don't deserve to die... It's just... Well, I imagined myself with a teen (maybe, I don't know if this is a false memory). I was a teen in the fantasy but I can't shake the feeling I did something awful. What you hypothetically did was nothing wrong.

@myocdstory So... what I may have done doesnt change my worth as a human being? Ok. But what YOU may have done changes your worth as a human being? Why is that?

@Daisy102 What I did was unethical in a higher level... That's why I deserve to be punished.

@myocdstory Ok... So you think you deserve to be punished. Lets say for sake of argument i am pretty convinced I sexually abused a toddler I babysat. Now I too would go to jail if that were true. But... Why? What is the purpose of going to jail? Is it truly to dish out justice, or merely to keep society safe? Is the purspose of punishment to condemn someone and say they are worthless and bad, or is it to teach and shape behavior? Thoughts?

@Daisy102 I get what you are going with this. Of course, jail - the concept, I mean - should be both to keep the society safe but also try to shape the criminal. I know that some of them are very bad people... But I believe in treating everyone with respect and human dignity, even if they killed 100 people. I know this sounds awful but, I don't know... Something inside me wants NOT to mistreat them. Instead, try to change them or the very least, treat everyone with respect. I'm so sorry... I'm rambling. I know what goal you intend to reach but... I feel like I deserve to be punished? Like, emotionally and physically hurt. That's what I do to myself. I would hit myself and cut myself and treat me like trash, that's what I do. I'm so sorry for not being able to change... I get your point. I do. And you have a lot of logic in your argument, but human nature can't always succumb to logic. My self hatred has no reason... I just hate myself. It's probably a neurochemical imbalance.

@myocdstory Okay. That's valid. And i agree on the criminal thing by the way. So... Its sounds like you think you can't change. Is that correct? Why cant you change? I'm not arguing with you, but I want to better understand what you're thinking. If you cant change, why not? Can anyone change? Do you believe in free will?

@Daisy102 I do believe people can change but for some reason I'm not able to change from this "self-hatred" mindset. There's a block that doesn't allow me to love myself. I don't know what it is or how to destroy it. It's probably a religious thing, even though I'm not religious at all.

@myocdstory Honey, are you on any medication? Because I recognize myself in you. The incessant feeling that I “should” be punished. The existential crisis. The double standard that other people can change and be forgiven or whatever else, but I can’t, or shouldn’t, or don’t deserve to. I was only able to start breaking out of this mental trap with medication. When you’re in this deep, IMO, the problem has concetrated itself in your anatomy, and you need to go in and change the physical structures and functions of your brain before you can hope to get a handle on your thoughts.

I'm sorry, please help me understand. What can we DO to distance ourselves from our thoughts? Like what are practical things we can do?

@Daisy102 S-, forgive me... I just... There's nothing I can do. I hate myself so much. There's nothing that will change my mind. I just had a talk with my ex and I'm not well... I finally understood what went wrong but it's nothing I can change and it hurts so much that I never felt worthy of her because that was what destroyed the relationship... I know she deserves better but I am still so hurt because I'll never be able to change that mindset... And I'm so hurt that I'll never be with her again... But I know she deserves better... And I'm like this... But if I can't be happy why am I still here?

@myocdstory If I cant be happy, why am I still here? Okay... Lets talk about that. What are some potential reasons you are here? Think about it. Lets say I was feeling suicidal. I would feel like I cant be happy. So... What would be my purpose? Should I just kill myself? Can a sad person still do good in the world? Is it possible that people love you and are helped by you and you don't realize? (Hint: why do I keep telling you I love you if I don't?)

@myocdstory Also... If you want to text on instagram I made a new account for this forum... DaisyDay102

@Daisy102 I sent you a. MEssage through there!

Thank you Somi💛 that's helpful☺