Hi everyone, this is probably going to be long, so sorry for that I need some assurance.. Im going mad I don't see a doctor in 15 years because I thought that whatever I end up having I get better or I just die, so I have no ideia If I have OCD. But you know what Im afraid.. Being a pedophile. Im 30, and a week ago I was living my normal life and suddenly out of nowhere I get a horrrible thought.. Hurting a child. I realize that and start thinking what the hell, why did that pop in my head? And start analyzing it over and over in my head and I began being overwhelmed with thoughts of hurting children, and I worried more and more, couldnt stop thinking about it.. I barely slept that night When I woke up, the thoughts slowly came back but worse, now it was sexual related.. And thats when my life truly became hell on earth. These thoughts/images were pretty much in mind all the time and anything would trigger, sometimes not even a trigger is needed, they just appear and get stuck in my head.. Like there was two me in my mind. And without realizing, I started doubting myself.. Will I ever hurt children? Am I evil? Am I.. a pedo? I started walking inside my house randomly when it gets really bad, shaking my feet or legs when sitting, and I check my penis all the time now.. I even compare the size it is and sometimes if its even 1cm longer, I panic and do it all over again.. mind you I never got an erection.. I even torture myself thinking about these thoughts just to check and it pains me, makes me feel physically sick even. These things are pretty much automatic, I do them without even realizing it sometimes. I argue with myself in my mind, i seek comfort in memories but they are somewhat changed making me doubt even more.. I avoid thinking about my niece that I love and miss so much, just so these horrific images/thoughts don't show her. My head feels so heavy, like its about to explode, I thought about killing myself, I avoid children, just the mere mention of one makes me anxious and worried.. What if Im really a pedo? What if I end up hurting children? What if? What if? Always what ifs.. But then I get the thought that I am a pedo and have to accept it and I argue with that thought trying to prove its wrong and the reasons.. And so on and on I don't even masturbate anymore with these thoughts popping in my head I never had these thoughts before, always loved women and their body and never had thoughts about children like that in my life. My life was always a mess, depression, backstabs from people I trusted, anti-social and social awkward, emptyness, and so on... But then my niece was born and she was like a light in that sent my hollowness away.. She is 7 and she is a part of my life since she was born, we are very close.. Im not even joking when I say that when she was little, she would cry if I had to leave, but she wouldn't if her dad or mom went away as long as she was with me.. she gave my life a meaning, made me feel like someone important in this world and I vowed to protect her at all costs.. And now I am afraid if she comes near me, I am afraid she will think I don't love her.. Its breaking my heart just thinking about it.. She is the most important person to me in the world.. And now I need to protect her.. From me.. I cry everyday, I cant find comfort anywhere, I argue with myself all the time, I feel a demon.. Or even worse than that.. I honestly just want it to end, I pray for that everyday.. I can honestly say that this is and will always be the worst thing that happened to me and Im 100% sure of it. This is hell on earth for me, I would rather be dead, crazy, a killer, whatever.. I dont know for how long I can endure this.. Its pretty hard, trust me.. I cant enjoy what little life I had before.. I just want to die, I even told God to just kill me cause I cant take it anymore.. And its been only one week of this.. Ever since my hell started, I do google searches regarding these thoughts everyday and try to find some comfort and yesterday I posted my situation on a YouTube video of a girl talking about POCD and I felt much better that night.. Like I was me again, didnt have any of these thoughts but I could hear a low voice in my head all the time saying that I should worry, are you a pedo? You are a pedo, etc.. But I ignored it and it was a relief.. I always thought my life before this was baby, but that night my previous life looked like the best thing ever.. I was so happy, I thought about my niece clearly without any random shit that my brains decides to pop added, I cried, I thanked god, I thought I was myself again.. But then I woke up.. And for a while these thoughts and images were trying to gain control but I stood strong for a while.. And now Im here.. I lost the battle.. So.. Can I have some kind of OCD or am I just a monster? Please be honest.. Cause if I end up being indeed a pedo, I will make sure I will never see my niece again, never be near kids or watch shows with them, I will tell my family about the monster I am and will seek castration or something. BTW, like yesterday, talking about it is making me feel better.

Trying not to seek reassurance, but rather connect the dots on my OCD and possible reasons as to why I am the way I am. I have severe OCD (or at least I hope I do) mainly surrounding POCD. I've had symptoms of OCD the majority of my life but this theme has come up more recently. When I was a kid, and i'm talking 6-7, I was first exposed to some really gross adult content online. It was introduced to me by a friend of mine around the same age of me. I saw some really disgusting things that a 6-7 year old should definitely not see. This was not a one time occurrence, as I had been exposed to taboo topics online years to come after that, such as the same friend introducing me to Omegle... And i'm sure you can imagine how that went, theres a lot of genuinely disgusting human beings on there. Coming back to the reason for making this post; is it possible to early exposure to this content could be one of the reasons I struggle with POCD? It genuinely scares me to death because you hear that real p*dos dealt with simular situations when they were kids, so thats kind of making me feel that this could be more than OCD, and I could be a genuinely bad person. My POCD feels so real, that at times i'm fully convinced its not OCD. Sometimes I can't even distinguish the feelings of attraction between a younger person and an older person, except for the feeling of anxiety and fear. Its really hard to explain without going into detail, but it just feels so real. Some feedback on this would be great, thank you all.

Sometimes I think " do I like kids?" "Would i get aroused if I saw content with kids?""What if I'm a pedo and cant accept it?" "What if I'm ok with these thoughts?" "What if I'm not distressed enough " "What if I enjoy these thoughts?" , i avoid kids as much as i can, i cant look at them bc I'm scared I'm gonna have some groin like response. I keep testing if I'd get turned on or if I'd have some groinal response to sexual scenarios with kids. Sometimes I think that if I took my life this would be over and i wouldn't have to think about this and i wish i doubted something else instead of things like this. I had similar situations just with different topics such as if i loved or found sexually appealing a guy while in a relationship and i kept asking myself those questions for months and i avoided going to school for weeks and when I went I'd cry and have anxiety attacks. I had it with past actions i obessed over and felt the need to exploit every detail and be honest because otherwise i was being a fraud. I had it for sexual things that happened when i was a child. Im not diagnosed with ocd but should i tell this to my local counselor? Can someone help? Give me advice or tell me anything?

Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?