Hollow99

Date posted: 4y

Hi everyone, this is probably going to be long, so sorry for that I need some assurance.. Im going mad I don't see a doctor in 15 years because I thought that whatever I end up having I get better or I just die, so I have no ideia If I have OCD. But you know what Im afraid.. Being a pedophile. Im 30, and a week ago I was living my normal life and suddenly out of nowhere I get a horrrible thought.. Hurting a child. I realize that and start thinking what the hell, why did that pop in my head? And start analyzing it over and over in my head and I began being overwhelmed with thoughts of hurting children, and I worried more and more, couldnt stop thinking about it.. I barely slept that night When I woke up, the thoughts slowly came back but worse, now it was sexual related.. And thats when my life truly became hell on earth. These thoughts/images were pretty much in mind all the time and anything would trigger, sometimes not even a trigger is needed, they just appear and get stuck in my head.. Like there was two me in my mind. And without realizing, I started doubting myself.. Will I ever hurt children? Am I evil? Am I.. a pedo? I started walking inside my house randomly when it gets really bad, shaking my feet or legs when sitting, and I check my penis all the time now.. I even compare the size it is and sometimes if its even 1cm longer, I panic and do it all over again.. mind you I never got an erection.. I even torture myself thinking about these thoughts just to check and it pains me, makes me feel physically sick even. These things are pretty much automatic, I do them without even realizing it sometimes. I argue with myself in my mind, i seek comfort in memories but they are somewhat changed making me doubt even more.. I avoid thinking about my niece that I love and miss so much, just so these horrific images/thoughts don't show her. My head feels so heavy, like its about to explode, I thought about killing myself, I avoid children, just the mere mention of one makes me anxious and worried.. What if Im really a pedo? What if I end up hurting children? What if? What if? Always what ifs.. But then I get the thought that I am a pedo and have to accept it and I argue with that thought trying to prove its wrong and the reasons.. And so on and on I don't even masturbate anymore with these thoughts popping in my head I never had these thoughts before, always loved women and their body and never had thoughts about children like that in my life. My life was always a mess, depression, backstabs from people I trusted, anti-social and social awkward, emptyness, and so on... But then my niece was born and she was like a light in that sent my hollowness away.. She is 7 and she is a part of my life since she was born, we are very close.. Im not even joking when I say that when she was little, she would cry if I had to leave, but she wouldn't if her dad or mom went away as long as she was with me.. she gave my life a meaning, made me feel like someone important in this world and I vowed to protect her at all costs.. And now I am afraid if she comes near me, I am afraid she will think I don't love her.. Its breaking my heart just thinking about it.. She is the most important person to me in the world.. And now I need to protect her.. From me.. I cry everyday, I cant find comfort anywhere, I argue with myself all the time, I feel a demon.. Or even worse than that.. I honestly just want it to end, I pray for that everyday.. I can honestly say that this is and will always be the worst thing that happened to me and Im 100% sure of it. This is hell on earth for me, I would rather be dead, crazy, a killer, whatever.. I dont know for how long I can endure this.. Its pretty hard, trust me.. I cant enjoy what little life I had before.. I just want to die, I even told God to just kill me cause I cant take it anymore.. And its been only one week of this.. Ever since my hell started, I do google searches regarding these thoughts everyday and try to find some comfort and yesterday I posted my situation on a YouTube video of a girl talking about POCD and I felt much better that night.. Like I was me again, didnt have any of these thoughts but I could hear a low voice in my head all the time saying that I should worry, are you a pedo? You are a pedo, etc.. But I ignored it and it was a relief.. I always thought my life before this was baby, but that night my previous life looked like the best thing ever.. I was so happy, I thought about my niece clearly without any random shit that my brains decides to pop added, I cried, I thanked god, I thought I was myself again.. But then I woke up.. And for a while these thoughts and images were trying to gain control but I stood strong for a while.. And now Im here.. I lost the battle.. So.. Can I have some kind of OCD or am I just a monster? Please be honest.. Cause if I end up being indeed a pedo, I will make sure I will never see my niece again, never be near kids or watch shows with them, I will tell my family about the monster I am and will seek castration or something. BTW, like yesterday, talking about it is making me feel better.

Freemeofocd

Date posted: 4y

My heart breaks for you reading this. I know your pain ❤️ I too suffer from pocd and I have a daughter. You are not alone! I strongly suggest seeking treatment through this app. Things can and will get better for you and you can lead a happy fulfilling life. Do not let ocd win and rob you from what’s most important to you! Ocd attacks what we love the most. Don’t let it win. You got this!

Hollow99

Date posted: 4y

Thank you so much for your words. To me, this is the worst ocd possible... Even though Im not certain I have it.. But if what I wrote or some of it is what you endure everyday, you are a true warrior.

Freemeofocd

Date posted: 4y

@Hollow99 I would have to agree. Ocd is ocd, but I feel like this is the worst theme to suffer with as well.

[Deleted]

Date posted: 4y

Comment deleted by user

Freemeofocd

Date posted: 4y

I would have to agree with you, I feel like it is the absolute worst type of ocd to have as well.

grace22

Date posted: 4y

Def sounds like pedophile ocd. This is treatable! I would recommend finding a therapist as soon as possible.

Hollow99

Date posted: 4y

If its pocd, God why would you do the worst to me? Associating something with my niece.. Anything would be better than that.. I will seek help sooner or later.. Though here in Portugal, healthcare is not the best regarding these topics.. I need to be sure what I have.. I need to be sure I will never hurt any child!

chris3112

Date posted: 4y

i truly suggest that u seek the help of either a psychologist or therapy or find the treatment right for u.this sound like pedophile ocd or pure ocd.you can get throught this.find the right therapist for u and pls stay strong.lets not let ocd take over us<33

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I agree that this has to be one of the worse OCD themes that exist. (They can all be debilitating). I went through hell with POCD myself. The thought also came out of nowhere while I was talking with my sister on the phone. This was many years ago before anyone seem to know what the hell it was and several well meaning professionals actually made the situation worse since they were not trained in the ways of OCD. Hang in there. I know the whole groinal response thing sucks as well but that went away too. I still have intrusive thoughts with this theme but nothing like it was. I educated myself and forums like this really help. However, reassurance only feeds the beast and the sooner you learn this the better. I once heard OCD described as having an extremely neurotic friend with you all the time. Sometimes I just let him talk and talk and don't give him the time of day. Good luck to you. I've never had professional ERP, but I've heard nothing but terrific things about it. I know I'll eventually have to seek it out myself.

Hollow99

Date posted: 4y

Where its says baby, was supposed to be bad.

Hollow99

Date posted: 4y

Thank you all for your words and time. I will have to seek help sooner than I thought.. Im awake for more than 24h and about 6 hours ago, when I fall asleep I wake up after 30min having the thoughts and doubting im a pedo, accepting I am and cry, then I deny it.. All this in my head.. I cant live like this, I slept 1hour max only.. This will destroy me. @toni1 Yes, it helped.. But while I found some reassurance when reading about it, it still pains me.. I don't want these thoughts, I didn't ask for them.. Why would I have them? The only explanation I can think of without being certain its ocd is that Im evil.. That my whole life was a lie, I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm just tired of this... so tired...

grace22

Date posted: 4y

This is totally normal for someone to go through with ocd. I felt the same way. My ocd started bc I was convinced I was a psychopath. I was so scared that I had lied to everyone I love. I thought that I never cared about any of them and I would never have true feelings toward anyone. It almost broke me. I know you don’t want these thoughts. Nobody wants their ocd thoughts. They’re intrusive and upsetting and weird. I certainly never wanted thoughts that I was a psychopath and you didn’t want thoughts that you’re a pedophile. I understand. BUT, I made it out of this and you will too. The thoughts are just thoughts. They are not the same thing as taking action. They do not define you. They do not control you. They are just strings of words that exist in your brain. You can do this

Hollow99

Date posted: 4y

@grace22 It feels that whatever I have, is targeting what is most precious. And thats what breaks me the most.. Its the one thing I didn't want.. With all respect to people with cancer and I can only imagine their pain, I rather have that than these thoughts, anything over these thoughts.. I would give anything.. They are literally consuming every minute of every day in my life, to the point where I just want to be in my bed and don't do anything else do the rest of my life... I want my old life back.. Back then I only worried I was no one, that no one cared about me and that I will end up alone.. That doesn't look bad at all now..

aprik21

Date posted: 2y

hi! are you ok?

Wessers19

Date posted: 23w

Could being exposed to content as a kid affected me in this way?

Trying not to seek reassurance, but rather connect the dots on my OCD and possible reasons as to why I am the way I am. I have severe OCD (or at least I hope I do) mainly surrounding POCD. I've had symptoms of OCD the majority of my life but this theme has come up more recently. When I was a kid, and i'm talking 6-7, I was first exposed to some really gross adult content online. It was introduced to me by a friend of mine around the same age of me. I saw some really disgusting things that a 6-7 year old should definitely not see. This was not a one time occurrence, as I had been exposed to taboo topics online years to come after that, such as the same friend introducing me to Omegle... And i'm sure you can imagine how that went, theres a lot of genuinely disgusting human beings on there. Coming back to the reason for making this post; is it possible to early exposure to this content could be one of the reasons I struggle with POCD? It genuinely scares me to death because you hear that real p*dos dealt with simular situations when they were kids, so thats kind of making me feel that this could be more than OCD, and I could be a genuinely bad person. My POCD feels so real, that at times i'm fully convinced its not OCD. Sometimes I can't even distinguish the feelings of attraction between a younger person and an older person, except for the feeling of anxiety and fear. Its really hard to explain without going into detail, but it just feels so real. Some feedback on this would be great, thank you all.

misereri

Date posted: 22w

Urgent: i need yalls opinion

Sometimes I think " do I like kids?" "Would i get aroused if I saw content with kids?""What if I'm a pedo and cant accept it?" "What if I'm ok with these thoughts?" "What if I'm not distressed enough " "What if I enjoy these thoughts?" , i avoid kids as much as i can, i cant look at them bc I'm scared I'm gonna have some groin like response. I keep testing if I'd get turned on or if I'd have some groinal response to sexual scenarios with kids. Sometimes I think that if I took my life this would be over and i wouldn't have to think about this and i wish i doubted something else instead of things like this. I had similar situations just with different topics such as if i loved or found sexually appealing a guy while in a relationship and i kept asking myself those questions for months and i avoided going to school for weeks and when I went I'd cry and have anxiety attacks. I had it with past actions i obessed over and felt the need to exploit every detail and be honest because otherwise i was being a fraud. I had it for sexual things that happened when i was a child. Im not diagnosed with ocd but should i tell this to my local counselor? Can someone help? Give me advice or tell me anything?

POCD

UnknownPersonel

Date posted: 21w

Dad with pocd

Please read this. I’ve had ocd pretty much a lot of my life but never knew what it was until my senior year of highschool. I’m 21 with 2 kids and i believe i’ve had pocd a little bit before my daughter was born (which was 8 months ago). It made me start looking at all kids differently and i hate it. But it really started triggering me about 3 months ago. I’ve been thinking if i’d intentionally touched or harmed my kids the wrong way, or any kids for that matter. This started giving me false memories (or at least hope they are). I’ve been having panic attacks, yelling at myself, punching walls, praying, and even thoughts of ending my own life. I grew up in a severe toxic household throughout my childhood and teenage life. I’ve never wished that on my kids since i became a dad. I wanna give them the life i never got. I look back my photos of my children and i feel like i’m a complete fraud of a dad. I cannot look at my kids or be around them a lot of times. I can’t hold my daughter right. I can’t change their diaper when they need it. Even my son came and was hugging on me the other night while i was watching tv and i acted like a stranger to him. I can very little do this stuff sometimes because it’s either i get relief or i push my thoughts as far back as i can. I get scared if i did something to not just my kids, but any other kids in the past. I have such a a great life and such a beautiful family. It was hard and stressful at first being young with a family but i couldn’t be more thankful at all for them. I’m just so lost and stressed right now that i just don’t know what to do anymore

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