Thinking about relationships makes me feel so bad. At this point both men and women trigger this obsession with trying to figure out what my sexuality is. I don’t really want to date anyone, I’ve been okay with this for over a year, and it’s not like I’ve been completely detached from the lgtbqia community. Like, I know lesbians and other wlw and for a long time I thought I was like bi (I think I’m honestly more aro than I realized), and I haven’t thought much, but ever since I realized I don’t want to share my future with anyone it’s like my brain is screeeeaming that this just means I’m a lesbian, when that’s never been a thought that crossed my mind. It’s definitely been better for me lately when I started cutting out compulsions and all that, but I’m still undiagnosed and I don’t know for sure what exactly is happening to me. If I was a lesbian I’d accept myself, but it’s the fact that it feels SO BAD when I think about it that makes me feel like I need to figure it out even more. Like is it anxiety because I don’t like it or anxiety because it’s like internalized homophobia? And it’s like omg I need to figure it out otherwise I’m just living a lie and I won’t ever be happy. I’ll get flashes of anxiety when I’m just watching a movie or a YouTube video about a boy band I like... and it throws things from the lesbian masterdoc in my face about how I had crushes on fictional characters and celebrities and how that’s something that lesbians do because it’s ‘safer’ to crush on unobtainable men. And it just feels bad bc I know I’ve had crushes on guys that were my friends too but I also have a lot of trauma and I wasn’t allowed to date growing up so that’s what I did to actually explore romance. When the anxiety spikes it makes me feel as if it was all a sign. What’s worse is that I started looking to aromanticism before I read the doc and there’s this bit about how some lesbians think they’re aro bc they don’t like men but never explore their attraction to women either and it’s like ahhhh what’s the truth. I don’t know anymore. Not thinking about it makes me antsy, & the second my anxiety spikes it’s hard to do anything during the rest of the day. I don’t want to think about falling in love and having relationships, I miss when I was just living life in the moment. I miss not thinking twice about when I found a guy attractive, or even a girl. Like it just makes my brain hurt so bad.

aurokoi

Date posted: 5y

And the anxiety when I talk to girls!!! Oh my god. Like it feels horrible and I’m shaky and anxious but my brain is like!!! This is crush butterflies!! And ahhhh it’s like before I’m even realizing it I’m thinking of oh if she asked me out would I say yes? Could I live with her? Do I think she’s cute? Do I have a crush on her?? And my thoughts go so fast that it isn’t until then that my anxiety kicks in bc I’m like why did I think that?? And boom. Checks. Rumination. Reassurance. It just feels so bad!!

KarynCB

Date posted: 5y

Wow, I could relate to everything that you said. I have HOCD AND TOCD, which means I also obsess over my gender identity. I too have had crushed on fictional male characters and celebrities, and yes it did feel safer. I ended up wondering whether I am a lesbian but still it does not feel right. The logic behind the hypothesis makes sense but the emotional response doesn’t seem to agree. It’s exhausting. I also started having a crush on a guy and hated myself for it, couldn’t say exactly why at first but then I realized how incredibly fragile I am with regards to male rejection. Anyway... just wanted to tell you that you’re definitely not alone. I understand everything you said.

aurokoi

Date posted: 5y

I have TOCD too!! It’s quiet right now but It looooves to point out that I shipped a lot of male characters together 🙄 I totally feel the bit about the logic making sense but the emotional reaction just being off and bad in general. It’s so exhausting. Like I want to like them so badly but I have maaaaaajor trust issues so even if I found a guy attractive thinking of being emotionally involved with someone like that scares me and is my OCD’s favourite food. I’m glad I’m not alone!! You aren’t either. I support you and your recovery!! I believe that we can one day move past this and feel comfortable in our skin again ☺️

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

I just blocked someone who was asking me triggering questions about whether or not it was truly me or OCD making me questioning my sexuality, and now my HOCD makes me think that I’m proving him right and that I’m gay/bisexual in denial, and Also it’s like I have no anxiety anymore, like I’ve actually turned gay/ bisexual or that I’ve been in denial this entire time. I’m also stressed out because I keep getting false attractions and intrusive feelings to men with no anxiety, but I’m just basically accepting and agreeing with the thoughts as a part of my self ERP but my HOCD makes me think that I’ve been gay/bisexual in denial all along.

aurokoi

Date posted: 5y

My guy I’ve seen your posts and listen, you’ve been saying the same thing over and over and you really need to stop, because obviously it’s not helping you at all. So you blocked someone! Why do you keep bringing it up? Wash your hands of it. If you want to keep them blocked it’s fine, but you need to learn how to take a step back. In one way or another we’re all going through the same thing. But you gotta practice mindfulness. It’s not gonna click until you just let yourself feel it without compulsively posting on this app every 15 minutes. Its doing you more harm than good at this point. We’re all in this together, but no one is your personal therapist. You need to learn how to help yourself, that’s like 80% of the work. Finding a specialist is the other 20%. Are you actually scared of being gay/bi? Because I’m pretty sure I have HOCD, but I’m not like... afraid of same sex attraction. I don’t want it but it’s nothing to be afraid about. If you don’t want it, you don’t want it. But you gotta take the fear out of it first, otherwise you won’t get better. We’re all worried for you man. Get some help, work through a self directed program, do SOMETHING to help yourself. ERP is the behavioural part of the therapy, but you need to start the cognitive part too. I’m wishing you the best.

aurokoi

Date posted: 5y

@aurokoi Again, we all are worried for you. We just wanna see you get better, but you have to lean into the fear too.

Anonymous

Date posted: 5y

@aurokoi I’m scared of same sex attraction, because it’s not who I am. It’s not my identity. I also can’t afford therapy or medication, which is why YouTube videos, this forum, and others are the only source of therapy for me. Knowing I’m not alone and shit. I’m doing ERP as of this moment. It’s been hard because the HOCD comes back in waves. I try to let the thoughts and shit be there but it continuously escalates in intensity and vividness.

aurokoi

Date posted: 5y

@SOOCD I don’t have money either bruv and I’m using the same tools. Same sex attraction isn’t who I am either. It doesn’t make me feel particularly great. This forum definitely helps in feeling not alone but you have to understand that the way you’re posting isn’t healthy either. I know how this gig works, I go through it too, but at the end of the day you need to you need to learn to let them in without ruminating. Accepting the thoughts and then coming here and posting about how you can’t accept the thoughts is not productive at all, and you’re probably cancelling out the work you’re putting into it. The thoughts don’t matter. Stop making them matter so much. Doing ERP without knowing how to let yourself just be isn’t going to help much. I’m sorry that you’re going through it right now, but try some mindfulness. It’s gonna take some time but be patient with yourself and know your brain is just trying to be helpful. Again, I wish you the best.

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