- Username
- Fabi91
- Date posted
- 5y ago
Hey. Of all the things to have as an ocd theme, in my opinion, this is the roughest. I want to tell you, not from a position of reassurance, but as an objective fact, that their are TONS of people in the pocd community that talk about what it feels like and the symptoms they have and you fit every single description. A few things I would suggest: 1. Give up trying to prove to yourself if its true or not. You will never ever prove it for certain. The first step to getting better is to give up this pointless search. 2. Talk to your counselor about it dear god. Assuming they are familiar with OCD and intrusive thoughts, they probably won't even flinch. You gotta have someone to talk to about this stuff because going through it alone is terrifying. 3. A pedophile is someone whose primary sexual preference is for children, and who would enjoy carrying out sexual acts on them. Now, don't use this to prove or disprove anything. Don't jump to a "but what if thats me and I just deny it!?" I just mean it might help in realizing that simply having intrusive thoughts or vague memories of maybe once thinking a kid was attractive doesn't make you a pedophile. 4. Be kind to yourself. You're not a bad person. You're struggling with some really scary crap. Wishing you peace
Hey, completely understand the struggle. I'm gonna give you the most honest answer I can- you're not capable of knowing at the moment. You (and I) have a disease that makes us chronic doubters. If I told you what the difference was, you'd be able to find or manifest evidence of the contrary to scare yourself. The first step is truly to give up the fight, the need to know and understand.
I'm recovering by practicing unconditional self acceptance. I really really reccomend reading the book "How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything". Learn to accept the worst case scenario. This isn't the same as agreeing its true, its just making peace. Once that happens, and you truly "drop the rope" as it were, the anxiety's grip loosens. I still have some troubles but overall I'm heading in a positive direction. Best of luck
Look, I could convince myself I'm attracted to my dog if I tried (She's real cute). That doesn't make it real. The more you search for a distinction, the more distorted and unsure you become, like when you say a word repeatedly until it sounds foreign. Give up the struggle, because this crap is like quick sand. The way out is to stop fighting.
Yeah it all makes sense. It’s this thing about accepting the worst possible outcome as opposed to the worst probable outcome. Or put my simply just getting off the fucking bus and refuse to get back on. Strange condition
I’ve been diagnosed with POCD and this is exactly how I felt. Your Counselor will know how to take you through ocd
Really? Thank you for responding because sometimes I feel like I’m making it up or something. It’s so draining!
Thank you, that’s some really good advice!??
Thank you
Anonk is very wise. I ask myself the same thing and it sends me down the rabbit hole rather quickly.
I have this! But with teenagers! Is that the same thing?
Hey. I have the same thing.
Same anxiety and symptoms, just different age group. Also, teenagers are post pubescent, so that would not be considered a technical fear of pedophelia, but within the realm of OCD it tends to fall under the same name.
Polythenepam, would you say you are recovered or still recovering by ‘dropping the rope’. I’ve tried hard to push this through to @anonk but was t sure as I had seen more posts asking questions about if others had had the same (which is the reassurance seeking with no pay off).
Really good advice. Sorry to jump on the thread here, how do I know what sexual preference / attraction even is? As opposed to looking at a kid and thinking yep attracted. Don’t have to answer if too triggering :( thanks just really struggling atm
Thank you so much polythenepam. So good
Crazy!
I hate it but I’m really going to try taking your advice Polythenepam, starting with giving up the fight, I feel like that’s going to be the hardest step but I’ll try, thank you!
Hey so I’m an 18 year old college student I’ve had ocd for a long time but I never wanted to admit this aspect of it as part of it and I still don’t. That’s why I won’t say it cause I’ll just end up crying again. I don’t even want to post about it cause this would just make the problem real. I know I’m not sexually attracted to them but my mind wants to trick me and I end up getting confused on which is rlly me, like the other aspects of my ocd. It spiked ig when someone sent me a meme and it was fine but at the end of it it showed a child being shown in a sexual way which was suppose to I guess be funny but it wasn’t rlly funny to me at all and got uncomfortable and the pocd thoughts came in hard and I had such a bad panic attack and then I felt the need to go back and check to see what I was feeling and went to the video the next day after avoiding it to see which after reading the threads here is I guess a big no no? I know I’m not sexually attracted but my mind is playing these games and confuses me and I’m so scared to even talk to my therapist about it or ask people for help cause what if they think I’m a pedophile? Children genuinely make me happy and I have a motherly instinct to care for them but my mind turns it into something darker and I know I don’t think of these kids sexually but it’s like I have the power to?And that freaks me out so much and it won’t leave me alone I don’t know what to do I know I’m not one but my mind is tricking me and it’s freaking me out and if my mind says it could be what if other people think I am no one I trust will even understand idk what to do I just needed to put this somewhere to vent
Hi everyone, this is probably going to be long, so sorry for that I need some assurance.. Im going mad I don't see a doctor in 15 years because I thought that whatever I end up having I get better or I just die, so I have no ideia If I have OCD. But you know what Im afraid.. Being a pedophile. Im 30, and a week ago I was living my normal life and suddenly out of nowhere I get a horrrible thought.. Hurting a child. I realize that and start thinking what the hell, why did that pop in my head? And start analyzing it over and over in my head and I began being overwhelmed with thoughts of hurting children, and I worried more and more, couldnt stop thinking about it.. I barely slept that night When I woke up, the thoughts slowly came back but worse, now it was sexual related.. And thats when my life truly became hell on earth. These thoughts/images were pretty much in mind all the time and anything would trigger, sometimes not even a trigger is needed, they just appear and get stuck in my head.. Like there was two me in my mind. And without realizing, I started doubting myself.. Will I ever hurt children? Am I evil? Am I.. a pedo? I started walking inside my house randomly when it gets really bad, shaking my feet or legs when sitting, and I check my penis all the time now.. I even compare the size it is and sometimes if its even 1cm longer, I panic and do it all over again.. mind you I never got an erection.. I even torture myself thinking about these thoughts just to check and it pains me, makes me feel physically sick even. These things are pretty much automatic, I do them without even realizing it sometimes. I argue with myself in my mind, i seek comfort in memories but they are somewhat changed making me doubt even more.. I avoid thinking about my niece that I love and miss so much, just so these horrific images/thoughts don't show her. My head feels so heavy, like its about to explode, I thought about killing myself, I avoid children, just the mere mention of one makes me anxious and worried.. What if Im really a pedo? What if I end up hurting children? What if? What if? Always what ifs.. But then I get the thought that I am a pedo and have to accept it and I argue with that thought trying to prove its wrong and the reasons.. And so on and on I don't even masturbate anymore with these thoughts popping in my head I never had these thoughts before, always loved women and their body and never had thoughts about children like that in my life. My life was always a mess, depression, backstabs from people I trusted, anti-social and social awkward, emptyness, and so on... But then my niece was born and she was like a light in that sent my hollowness away.. She is 7 and she is a part of my life since she was born, we are very close.. Im not even joking when I say that when she was little, she would cry if I had to leave, but she wouldn't if her dad or mom went away as long as she was with me.. she gave my life a meaning, made me feel like someone important in this world and I vowed to protect her at all costs.. And now I am afraid if she comes near me, I am afraid she will think I don't love her.. Its breaking my heart just thinking about it.. She is the most important person to me in the world.. And now I need to protect her.. From me.. I cry everyday, I cant find comfort anywhere, I argue with myself all the time, I feel a demon.. Or even worse than that.. I honestly just want it to end, I pray for that everyday.. I can honestly say that this is and will always be the worst thing that happened to me and Im 100% sure of it. This is hell on earth for me, I would rather be dead, crazy, a killer, whatever.. I dont know for how long I can endure this.. Its pretty hard, trust me.. I cant enjoy what little life I had before.. I just want to die, I even told God to just kill me cause I cant take it anymore.. And its been only one week of this.. Ever since my hell started, I do google searches regarding these thoughts everyday and try to find some comfort and yesterday I posted my situation on a YouTube video of a girl talking about POCD and I felt much better that night.. Like I was me again, didnt have any of these thoughts but I could hear a low voice in my head all the time saying that I should worry, are you a pedo? You are a pedo, etc.. But I ignored it and it was a relief.. I always thought my life before this was baby, but that night my previous life looked like the best thing ever.. I was so happy, I thought about my niece clearly without any random shit that my brains decides to pop added, I cried, I thanked god, I thought I was myself again.. But then I woke up.. And for a while these thoughts and images were trying to gain control but I stood strong for a while.. And now Im here.. I lost the battle.. So.. Can I have some kind of OCD or am I just a monster? Please be honest.. Cause if I end up being indeed a pedo, I will make sure I will never see my niece again, never be near kids or watch shows with them, I will tell my family about the monster I am and will seek castration or something. BTW, like yesterday, talking about it is making me feel better.
Im sorry for a long post but I'm very scared Prior to few weeks ago I didn't have any sexual thoughts regarding children EVER, and if I did then I really can't remember. But ever since I started worrying about the possibility that I might be attracted to them, I just felt severely awful. And it's getting worse and worse overtime. What started as just me worrying that I might be attracted to kids has now turned into a deep belief that there is a very dark and real part of me that is, in fact, a pedophile. I even started having intrusive but pleasurable fantasies about children and it's driving me absolutely sick. I really wish that it's just a very extreme form of POCD and not actually me turning into a monster, but with each passing day my hope is fading away, replaced with pure disgust in myself and unwillingness to live like this. Has anyone here ever went through something similar?
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