Had a really hard time tonight; found myself obsessing about whether or not I am a pedophile. I have not been officially diagnosed with POCD but I feel that I have it. I am not sexually attracted to children and do not even think about children if not for these times. If I’ve seen a child who I think is attractive or who I find attractive, I spiral. The thing is my mind brings up children from the past who I found attractive and then I spiral downwards. What if I am a pedophile? Why would I think a child is attractive? Why do I remember these children? If I was alone with a child what would I do? That makes me a pedophile. I end up googling pictures of children to see what I feel all the time physically and emotionally. I even thought about looking at some child porn just to see what I’d feel but to be honest I’m not interested in seeing those images. I spend hours on the internet and youtube trying to figure out whether I am a pedophile or not. Whether it really is POCD or if I’m just a pedophile in denial. What if I’m just lying to myself? I’m so tired of this. I get really nervous around children, the other day I actually darted out of my aisle at Walmart because there were children there and I didn’t want to risk feeling anything in case I am a pedo. I even surprised myself doing that. I’m scared to tell the counselor I just started seeing because what if she tells me I am? Please tell me I’m not alone in how I feel. Sorry for the long post; it’s my first time posting and as you can see there’s a lot on my mind. Thanks.

Hey. Of all the things to have as an ocd theme, in my opinion, this is the roughest. I want to tell you, not from a position of reassurance, but as an objective fact, that their are TONS of people in the pocd community that talk about what it feels like and the symptoms they have and you fit every single description. A few things I would suggest: 1. Give up trying to prove to yourself if its true or not. You will never ever prove it for certain. The first step to getting better is to give up this pointless search. 2. Talk to your counselor about it dear god. Assuming they are familiar with OCD and intrusive thoughts, they probably won't even flinch. You gotta have someone to talk to about this stuff because going through it alone is terrifying. 3. A pedophile is someone whose primary sexual preference is for children, and who would enjoy carrying out sexual acts on them. Now, don't use this to prove or disprove anything. Don't jump to a "but what if thats me and I just deny it!?" I just mean it might help in realizing that simply having intrusive thoughts or vague memories of maybe once thinking a kid was attractive doesn't make you a pedophile. 4. Be kind to yourself. You're not a bad person. You're struggling with some really scary crap. Wishing you peace

Hey, completely understand the struggle. I'm gonna give you the most honest answer I can- you're not capable of knowing at the moment. You (and I) have a disease that makes us chronic doubters. If I told you what the difference was, you'd be able to find or manifest evidence of the contrary to scare yourself. The first step is truly to give up the fight, the need to know and understand.

I'm recovering by practicing unconditional self acceptance. I really really reccomend reading the book "How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable About Anything". Learn to accept the worst case scenario. This isn't the same as agreeing its true, its just making peace. Once that happens, and you truly "drop the rope" as it were, the anxiety's grip loosens. I still have some troubles but overall I'm heading in a positive direction. Best of luck

Look, I could convince myself I'm attracted to my dog if I tried (She's real cute). That doesn't make it real. The more you search for a distinction, the more distorted and unsure you become, like when you say a word repeatedly until it sounds foreign. Give up the struggle, because this crap is like quick sand. The way out is to stop fighting.

Yeah it all makes sense. It’s this thing about accepting the worst possible outcome as opposed to the worst probable outcome. Or put my simply just getting off the fucking bus and refuse to get back on. Strange condition

I’ve been diagnosed with POCD and this is exactly how I felt. Your Counselor will know how to take you through ocd

Really? Thank you for responding because sometimes I feel like I’m making it up or something. It’s so draining!

Thank you, that’s some really good advice!??

Thank you

Anonk is very wise. I ask myself the same thing and it sends me down the rabbit hole rather quickly.

I have this! But with teenagers! Is that the same thing?

Same anxiety and symptoms, just different age group. Also, teenagers are post pubescent, so that would not be considered a technical fear of pedophelia, but within the realm of OCD it tends to fall under the same name.

Polythenepam, would you say you are recovered or still recovering by ‘dropping the rope’. I’ve tried hard to push this through to @anonk but was t sure as I had seen more posts asking questions about if others had had the same (which is the reassurance seeking with no pay off).

Really good advice. Sorry to jump on the thread here, how do I know what sexual preference / attraction even is? As opposed to looking at a kid and thinking yep attracted. Don’t have to answer if too triggering :( thanks just really struggling atm

Thank you so much polythenepam. So good

Crazy!

I hate it but I’m really going to try taking your advice Polythenepam, starting with giving up the fight, I feel like that’s going to be the hardest step but I’ll try, thank you!