I’m scared. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so anxious and depressed. I feel so guilty and ashamed. I can’t do this anymore...I need help but I’m scared to get help in fear of being misunderstood. I’ve been misunderstood for so long by my mom she doesn’t get it. She screams at me and makes me feel worse. She talks to me like I’m a disappointment which I know I am. My dad was the only person I could talk to about everything and he passed away a month ago. I wish I could just talk to him about what’s going on and I can’t and it’s driving me crazy. I know it’s the confession that’s a big no no but he could help me through it. I’m scared. I’m absolutely terrified by my intrusive thoughts and so on. I don’t know what to do anymore. I give up. I feel so alone. I don’t know how to move forward. I feel like an evil part of myself is trying to take over. I’m so sorry for ranting I just really need help

I’ve never been the type of person to open up about myself but these last 3 months have been the hardest, worst time of my life. I’m 16 years old, and I’ve been anxious and had anxiety my whole life. Over the last couple years I’ve learned how to cope with my anxiety and be a happy person. But one night in January, i was watching random videos on YouTube, and a video about serial killers came on. I’ve always been interested in crime shows/documentaries, so I didn’t think twice before deciding to click on it. In the middle of the video I had this intrusive thought that said “why do people murder loved ones or innocent people” and “what does it feel like to kill somebody” I am not aggressive, or have ever caused harm, but these thoughts scared me to death. I felt a instant shock of anxiety and panic immediately. I thought something was wrong with me. I turned my phone off and went to bed hoping the next day I would forget about it. Unfortunately I never forgot about the thoughts, and still have intrusive thoughts that affect my day to day life. I feel so hopeless, even after seeing a therapist, and being on Prozac for 5 weeks I don’t feel a difference. Every time I try to be positive and tell myself “they’re just thoughts” ocd tells me, “yeah sure, but what if you did these things”? “What if you WANT to do these things”? I stress that I might actually want to do these horrible things secretly and am convinced that one day I will commit these crimes. I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel so hopeless, and even being around my girlfriend who used to bring me so much joy, I still can’t be my regular self. Please I feel so hopeless and sad I can’t even do the things I used to enjoy, remembering I have these thoughts is with me 24/7 from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep. Anybody have advice? Sorry for the rant I just needed to get this off my chest. I just want to be normal again and enjoy being around my family and my girlfriend again

Hello everyone. I have been having horrible thoughts ever since I turned 13, and now I’m almost 16, and still having them. When I turned 13, the thoughts were constant and nearly drove me to kill myself. I thought about killing my family and pets constantly, but, worst of all, especially my mother. Now, I sleep with my door closed to try to stop the thoughts and to keep from hearing or seeing my mom or dad. I love my parents and pets, especially my mother— she’s an amazing woman, and has done so much for me, but yet I’m still having these damn thoughts. I was at a bad school when I was 13, and then moved to another when I was 14. After a switched schools, the thoughts gradually began to lessen, but every few months, they get really bad again for a few weeks (I still have them daily out of those bad few weeks, but when they get bad, they get bad.) I’m currently going through one of those spurts. I have tried to talk to my dad about getting help, and even though he said that he’ll look for a therapist, it’s been nearly a year, and I still haven’t gotten help. I desperately want these thoughts to stop because I feel like a horrible person and I love my parents, family, and pets so much, but I’m terrified of opening up to my dad and telling him everything that I think about (I also have thoughts about sexually abusing children, but I don’t want to do it! I’m not attracted to children whatsoever, but I’m still thinking about it.) My self-esteem is absolutely horrible, and I feel like a monster for thinking about these things. I’m very much a daddy’s girl, and if he is disgusted or angry at me, then I honestly don’t know how I’d handle it. I really, really need help, but just don’t know how to go about doing it (I’ve thought about going to the school councilor, but they’ve made it known that, if they’re concerned about a student, that they’ll either contact their parents or the police.) My dad has said to just calm down and relax, but I literally can’t. We have mental illnesses on my mom’s side, and many of those people take pills, and when I’ve talked to my dad about my anxiety and depression, he’s said that pills aren’t the answer. Honestly, at this point I don’t care what treatment I get— all I care about is these thoughts stopping. I’m sorry if this is rambling and a little confusing, but my mind is all over the place right now. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.

I feel like my thoughts have been getting worse and I ruminate a lot. This morning I told myself I wasn’t going to let the thoughts get to me but it’s hard. Than the anxiety kicks in and my heart starts racing so fast and I just have these intrusive thoughts. And I don’t want to do the things I normally do to feel better but I feel like I don’t do my compulsion I will end up doing what my intrusive thoughts are and it scares me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so scared. I want to get out of this cycle but I lack discipline and strength. I don’t know if I’ll ever get out of this. I want to get better but I can’t seem to ignore the thoughts or the feelings. I wish I could be like some of the people on here who can discipline and know thoughts are thoughts. I’m just so weak minded. It’s so hard, I want my life back before I had all these disgusting thoughts. I want me back and I don’t know if I ever will. I’m scared that erp won’t work for me. I’m just so pessimistic. I’m scared of doing erp and coming out of it realizing I am those things. Everyday I wake up it’s like I’m trying to survive. I worry about when night comes and what will happen if I sleep and if I’ll be able to get sleep. I worry about waking and waking up to me checking to make sure everyone in my house is okay. To make sure I didn’t do thoughts that I had about my family members. I feel guilty being around my family members because of the thoughts I have about them. I’m afraid of being alone with them for too long because I’m scared that the anxiety will get to me and I’ll do something disgusting. I just don’t understand why this happened to me and why I have to suffer. Everyday is a constant battle. I just want to give up or just move away. Maybe even get up start a new life where I just live alone and don’t hurt nobody. This is so hard and I hate it so much. If you read my rant, thank you💗.