I’ve been talking to my therapist about the porn I watched when I was in my young teens bc my ocd guilt trips me about it all the time. I feel like I didn’t explain it properly because to me it felt like I was basically watching cartoon child porn but I think she thinks I’m only worried because it was just a cartoon and cartoons are for children and my ocd is just making a connection. I want to tell her but I’m terrified she’s going to tell me I’m actually a pedo. I feel so disgusting and upset. The guilt is killing me. I wish I could just erase it from my mind. I keep wondering why I watched it and what it means about me. Please help :(

POCD

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

My OCD tells me that a lot of times I'm pretty much not able to make mistakes especially with things like these because they either don't happen to other people or it's my fear of it as a whole. Then sometimes I feel like I'm using OCD as an excuse but why else would I be constantly thinking about this every single day it goes against what I care about the most. Hey, do you have a fear of going to jail because of OCD?

Isabella

Date posted: 4y

I had an ocd fear of going to jail but for something completely different not for this theme. For this its more like it’s attacking my identity and becoming the worst thing I can imagine.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

@Isabella I understand. Do you still have that fear or no? I have pretty bad real event stuff that happened in the past and ones that are pretty much identical to yours. We can talk about it on IG if you want.

Isabella

Date posted: 4y

@BigGip09 Not anymore, but I used to get constant images and flashes of going to jail because I used drugs once. Ig it went away because I was able to live with the uncertainty but I constantly compulsively googled about cases where people were arrested for things that were similar to what I did and it made it so much worse.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

@Isabella Yeah the googling doesn't make it any better to be honest. Even though occasionally I still do it and end up doing a lot of it when I begin it. It doesn't make anything better. Sitting with the uncertainty is something I can sometimes do and other times not. I can't move on from these things because of the same that comes with it and my fear that never bugs off: The fear of doing something illegal, making mistakes, or being in jail. All of those fears are still here even if all my friends tell me what I did actually wasn't illegal or at the very least really not that unethical

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

@BigGip09 Ruminating also doesn't help me

Isabella

Date posted: 4y

It’s so traumatizing to think back on because I feel like all the comments under it were from actual predators and that makes me one too...

jen

Date posted: 4y

is she an ocd specialist? x

Isabella

Date posted: 4y

Yes on here

jen

Date posted: 4y

@Isabella omg then she'll know all about pocd! because that is what this is. Tell her and she'll help you. We've all done silly things, thats what makes us human. ESPECIALLY when we're young!

Isabella

Date posted: 4y

@jen Ty :) I’ll try to explain it better to her next time. I just feel awful rn. I have to expose myself to a script I wrote about this 30x a day.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 4y

I feel this too to be honest. There were horrible videos I remember watching when I was a minor myself but didn't even take into account of what I was actually watching. And I'm pretty sure there were predatory comments for me too. It's really fucking shitty overall and I try my best to just repress it but can't. And they were cartoons for me too. Unfortunately in most countries that shit is actually legal... It's really good that you can talk to your therapist about this too. I also really didn't think I'd find someone that went through it like I did too.. This doesn't make you a bad person if you just saw it at the time and didn't go back to it. I'm really trying to stop with all sexual things in my life but these thoughts and events are really hard to deal with

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