Why do people say “you used to be able to do it in the past”, “you need to work with your social workers”, “you have to try harder”, “you have to fight” when in fact that’s ALL I’ve been doing. Why do people f*****g think this is how I want to live. That I chose this. The past defines who I am now. Yet disregard that but tell me I was once able to do things. I’m so sick and tired. Mental health industry is greedy. Insurance is greedy. Yet other conditions are covered. I’m getting told “screw you” from left and right, nothing is affordable as they claim and the only thing I can get is a bandaid for my symptoms. And they say I need to keep living to keep suffering. This world is B******t!!! Try self ERP? I’ve done it. I’ve been trying but there are lots of questions because it’s not a cookie cutter!

A good life, success, healing, beautiful things? ⚠️ Important: please don’t read if this is triggering. No one should think this way about themselves, of course you deserve it all. I struggle with real events and harm OCD. My worst fear is being a bad person, causing harm or doing the wrong thing. These thoughts haunt me all the time and cause me to essentially throw my life away. I don’t go out, pursue opportunities, etc. because what if I don’t deserve them? I think of the worst things I’ve ever done all the time. The things that I’m most ashamed of. Like a broken record that’s all I replay in my head. Doesn’t matter if it was 5 or 10 years ago. And I beat myself up for not doing better. And I just don’t know how to move past it. I’ve read a lot of quotes and books about self help and love and acceptance (e.g. once you know better, do better). But for me I feel like I have to hate myself forever. I won’t ever get a clean slate, there’s a permanent stain on my record. I just can’t forgive myself, whether other people know it or not, I can’t allow myself to move forward. It’s about integrity for me. Does anyone relate? How do you do it? I’m so sorry if you’re also struggling. I don’t wish this for anyone. Please keep fighting, you’re not alone. ❤️

I remembered something I did a couple of months ago that has changed me completely from trusting myself it was a conversation I had with my cousin and something they said unrelated made me remember this happening, I went into a full blown identity crisis i couldn’t walk out of my room or get out of my bed for months paranoid and scared of everything I’m still scared and feel like I don’t even deserve to shower I’m working on it slowly each day but I knew I had to get a therapist and I was diagnosed with ocd because of this event I remembered, and I just don’t know what to do…. I read online that it doesn’t matter how little or bad the event is it’s still ocd regardless when diagnosed but I know I have a compulsion to see others real events and it is nothing compared to mine which I shouldn’t compare but it’s difficult because no matter what I have to come to terms that it’s undeniably bad legally and morally what I did and it’s just so confusing how it’s something I JUST learned about months ago I’m literally in my mid 20s, and I went years without even realizing how troubled my childhood was and yes my real event happened during that time but I was still a teen and old enough to know better but I didn’t understand the magnitude of what I did at the time still no excuse though, this is where I don’t know what To do because 1. I already know what I did was awful and there’s no excuse for it 2. I can’t apologize in my situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing specifics yet3. Yes I know I changed so much obviously I’m a grown adult now I know what’s appropriate and what’s not that’s why I’m so troubled over this and I never did anything like that again, I’m literally in the happiest relationship and seeing a therapist to also help me understand all this trauma, this event involved my cousin but even they are cool with me and very close as well hasn’t said anything I don’t know if they remember or not but it’s not something I can talk about with them at least not yet (again just don’t want to go in to specifics) but this is why is so confusing and has caused me to have intrusive thoughts about everything EVERYTHING the what ifs what if they remember what if I go to jail what if they hate me what if I’m denying who I have been and I’m this horrible person this whole time without even realizing and everything is a lie my relationship my joy for things what if I’m a ped, what if I can’t love or care what if I’m a person who just harms others manipulates I even spiraled thinking I was going to physically harm someone… it’s very bizarre to me because before my OCD my biggest anxiety was just having to learn how to drive…I’m in my 20s just to mention that again😭 I have probably almost all intrusive ocd categories, These thoughts never existed in my head until I remembered my event it has completely traumatized me but do I even deserve to feel better do I deserve to get help if I did something unforgivable do I move on or don’t? Should I even be living life I just feel guilty even breathing stepping outside I know for a fact if people knew they would never trust me they would feel like I probably should go to jail but do I go on to what others feel or myself? I know I wouldn’t harm anyone regardless of what my ocd tells me I never did anything like that again and wouldn’t but if it’s something that even legally I could be punished for does all of that not matter? I’m sorry I’m just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is , I’m continuing therapy and getting the help but obviously my therapist cannot say if I should be punished legally but even my boyfriend said that if I turned myself in they wouldn’t even take me seriously because I don’t even remember everything fully it was so long ago, but from what I do remember it’s still bad enough mainly just of me being a teen, I don’t want to make that event my identity but I just am so freaked out I feel awful what if I caused trauma to another person and all these years I didn’t even know, this event only happened once that I remember, there were things that happened to me as a child that would explain why it happened but it’s still not an excuse, I did a compulsion and googled what would it be called or the charges for it and the words that popped up triggered me to my core as anyone would feel if they were as stupid as me those words I googled are what monsters are so it’s hard not to think of myself as that it’s hard to not make that my identity if that IS what happened, is living with this guilt my punishment?I don’t want to give up on life I want to love and care and just love life I know this is complicated and a lot not much I can do but I’m just so lost.

Now that we’ve kicked off the new year, I find myself reflecting on where the OCD community is today—how things have changed for the better, as well as my hopes for the future. Ten years ago, it was almost impossible to access a licensed therapist with specialty training in OCD using health insurance. Most professionals simply didn’t understand what OCD actually looks like, so over 95% of OCD cases weren’t correctly diagnosed. As a result, insurance companies weren’t able to see how widespread OCD actually was—or how effective exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy was at treating it. Instead, people with OCD had to pay about $350 or more per session, all out of pocket, for their best chance at getting their life back. I know this from personal experience. OCD turned my life completely upside-down, and I reached out desperately for help, only to be misdiagnosed and mistreated by professionals who didn’t understand OCD. When I finally learned about ERP therapy, the evidence-based treatment specifically designed for OCD, I learned that I’d have to wait for months to see the one OCD specialist in my area, and I couldn’t afford the cost. But I was fortunate. My mom found a way to help us pay, and I finally got the help I needed. Otherwise, I don’t think I’d be here today. In a few months, I started seeing improvement. As I continued to get better using the skills I learned while working with my OCD specialist, I learned I wasn’t the only one with this experience—in fact, millions of people across the country were going through the exact same things I was. That’s why we started NOCD. Since 2015, we’ve always had one mission: to restore hope for people with OCD through better awareness and treatment. The OCD community needed an option for evidence-based treatment that they could afford and access, no matter where they live—an option that also provided necessary support between sessions. And the entire healthcare industry needed to understand how OCD actually works. As I write this post, I’m more enthusiastic than ever about our mission. Just recently, we’ve partnered with Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois, Texas, New Mexico, Montana, and Oklahoma. To put this into perspective, 155 million Americans can now use their insurance to access NOCD Therapy. This year, I have high hopes for the OCD community. More and more people will be able to use their insurance to pay for NOCD Therapy, and we’re working hard to give everyone who has OCD the ability to access the treatment they deserve. In addition to providing ERP Therapy, our OCD-specialty therapists also support our Members in prioritizing their overall well-being. With a focus on developing important lifestyle habits, including diet, exercise, mindfulness, and healthy sleep hygiene, they help our members build a strong foundation for lasting mental health so people are more prepared to manage OCD long-term. For every person who gains access to a therapist specialized in OCD for the first time, 2025 could be a year that changes their lives. If you or a loved one is suffering from OCD, please comment below or schedule a free 15-minute call with our team to learn more about how to access evidence-based OCD treatment and ongoing support using your insurance benefits.