Why do people say “you used to be able to do it in the past”, “you need to work with your social workers”, “you have to try harder”, “you have to fight” when in fact that’s ALL I’ve been doing. Why do people f*****g think this is how I want to live. That I chose this. The past defines who I am now. Yet disregard that but tell me I was once able to do things. I’m so sick and tired. Mental health industry is greedy. Insurance is greedy. Yet other conditions are covered. I’m getting told “screw you” from left and right, nothing is affordable as they claim and the only thing I can get is a bandaid for my symptoms. And they say I need to keep living to keep suffering. This world is B******t!!! Try self ERP? I’ve done it. I’ve been trying but there are lots of questions because it’s not a cookie cutter!

Now that we’ve kicked off the new year, I find myself reflecting on where the OCD community is today—how things have changed for the better, as well as my hopes for the future. Ten years ago, it was almost impossible to access a licensed therapist with specialty training in OCD using health insurance. Most professionals simply didn’t understand what OCD actually looks like, so over 95% of OCD cases weren’t correctly diagnosed. As a result, insurance companies weren’t able to see how widespread OCD actually was—or how effective exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy was at treating it. Instead, people with OCD had to pay about $350 or more per session, all out of pocket, for their best chance at getting their life back. I know this from personal experience. OCD turned my life completely upside-down, and I reached out desperately for help, only to be misdiagnosed and mistreated by professionals who didn’t understand OCD. When I finally learned about ERP therapy, the evidence-based treatment specifically designed for OCD, I learned that I’d have to wait for months to see the one OCD specialist in my area, and I couldn’t afford the cost. But I was fortunate. My mom found a way to help us pay, and I finally got the help I needed. Otherwise, I don’t think I’d be here today. In a few months, I started seeing improvement. As I continued to get better using the skills I learned while working with my OCD specialist, I learned I wasn’t the only one with this experience—in fact, millions of people across the country were going through the exact same things I was. That’s why we started NOCD. Since 2015, we’ve always had one mission: to restore hope for people with OCD through better awareness and treatment. The OCD community needed an option for evidence-based treatment that they could afford and access, no matter where they live—an option that also provided necessary support between sessions. And the entire healthcare industry needed to understand how OCD actually works. As I write this post, I’m more enthusiastic than ever about our mission. Just recently, we’ve partnered with Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois, Texas, New Mexico, Montana, and Oklahoma. To put this into perspective, 155 million Americans can now use their insurance to access NOCD Therapy. This year, I have high hopes for the OCD community. More and more people will be able to use their insurance to pay for NOCD Therapy, and we’re working hard to give everyone who has OCD the ability to access the treatment they deserve. In addition to providing ERP Therapy, our OCD-specialty therapists also support our Members in prioritizing their overall well-being. With a focus on developing important lifestyle habits, including diet, exercise, mindfulness, and healthy sleep hygiene, they help our members build a strong foundation for lasting mental health so people are more prepared to manage OCD long-term. For every person who gains access to a therapist specialized in OCD for the first time, 2025 could be a year that changes their lives. If you or a loved one is suffering from OCD, please comment below or schedule a free 15-minute call with our team to learn more about how to access evidence-based OCD treatment and ongoing support using your insurance benefits.

Looking back, I realize I’ve had OCD since I was 7. though I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 30. As a kid, I was consumed by fears I couldn’t explain: "What if God isn’t real? What happens when we die? How do I know I’m real?" These existential thoughts terrified me, and while everyone has them from time to time, I felt like they were consuming my life. By 12, I was having daily panic attacks about death and war, feeling untethered from reality as depersonalization and derealization set in. At 15, I turned to drinking, spending the next 15 years drunk, trying to escape my mind. I hated myself, struggled with my body, and my intrusive thoughts. Sobriety forced me to face it all head-on. In May 2022, I finally learned I had OCD. I remember the exact date: May 10th. Reading about it, I thought, "Oh my God, this is it. This explains everything." My main themes were existential OCD and self-harm intrusive thoughts. The self-harm fears were the hardest: "What if I kill myself? What if I lose control?" These thoughts terrified me because I didn’t want to die. ERP changed everything. At first, I thought, "You want me to confront my worst fears? Are you kidding me?" But ERP is gradual and done at your pace. My therapist taught me to lean into uncertainty instead of fighting it. She’d say, "Maybe you’ll kill yourself—who knows?" At first, it felt scary, but for OCD, it was freeing. Slowly, I realized my thoughts were just thoughts. ERP gave me my life back. I’m working again, I’m sober, and for the first time, I can imagine a future. If you’re scared to try ERP, I get it. But if you’re already living in fear, why not try a set of tools that can give you hope?

I cannot for the life of me stop ruminating or checking how I feel about thoughts or focusing on thoughts or creating more thoughts. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I want to scream. I try not to ruminate about the thoughts, but trying not to just makes me think about them more. I try not to check, but somehow, I still check. I want to let a thought sit in the background, but the more I try not to focus on it, the more I end up focusing on it. I don’t want the thought to expand because that feels like engaging with it, but I can’t just stop it from expanding. It feels impossible. People keep saying I’m in control of my compulsions, and maybe that’s true for the physical ones. But when it comes to the mental compulsions, I swear I have no control. It feels like I’m missing something that everyone else seems to have, like there’s some tool they’re using that I don’t have. Controlling mental compulsions has never felt possible for me. I’m starting to fear them. And every time someone says I’m in control and can just choose not to do them, I end up beating myself up even more when they happen. Or when I *choose* I guess. I don’t know anymore. If this is my fault, if I’m responsible for this, then what does that make me? I feel like a monster. I am at my wits’ end. How am I supposed to control mental compulsions when it feels like they control me? I freak out when they happen. They don’t bring me relief, they just make me panic. I want it to stop so bad.