- Date posted
- 3y ago
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Its probably because ocd attacks the things that are most important to us. To me it all comes down to looking my boyfriend, with whom I have been for 12 years now. We got together when we were 17 and been through so much together. He is so connected to my identity, not in a codependent way as we are both our own people and have always given each other a lot of freedom and space, but if you spent your formative years with one person it is inevitable that they become part of your sense of self. And OCD attacks this sense of self and this feeling of identity. And that's why ROCD and SOOCD are often interrelated because they both undermine the feeling of security that we feel with our partners. And for me, the thing that would be so "horrible" about being a lesbian always comes down to having to end my relationship not really of coming out or of not being accepted. Thats why i am not too scared of the possibility of being bi or not straight, I don't really care as long as I am "allowed" to keep my boyfriend and continue the life I love so much.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
That is my fear too - having to leave. My hocd doesn’t even entertain the idea of being bi (probably because I could stay), just gay. It’s terrifying.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Warrior113 Same! I think I could accept being bi and sometimes just tell myself ok maybe you’re bi but it never works !
- Date posted
- 3y ago
No advice but I can totally relate. This is actually my second time dealing with hocd/rocd. It first happened when my husband and I were happily dating about 6 months and started up again after 5 years of marriage. When it starts, it’s like a switch is flipped and the intrusive thoughts begin. We typically have a happy relationship (and now two kids), but when sexuality doubts/obsessions begin so do doubts about my marriage - so much distress. I am afraid I have to leave! I will say that if you look at the content being irrelevant, you might notice that there is a core fear underneath your OCD. For me, I have a fear of loss and the related pain and sadness...which makes sense vs. the surface level fears.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I think it has much more to do with identity than a fear of losing someone as many if not all people who experience ROCD are also very codependent on their partners.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I’m sorry we’re all struggling but I would love to know what has helped you. I am in ERP and so far, my thoughts are louder than ever. I’m really trying to not do compulsions but sitting with the uncertainty is so uncomfortable and horrible. How do you all respond to your thoughts? I feel like I bounce around trying different responses where it’s probably better to be consistent.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
i think it usually happens when you’re in a relationship when you already have hocd. we’re constantly are overthinking and over analyzing our thoughts and actions and doubting the sexuality we’ve always been and so if we’re dating someone or like being romantic with the gender we prefer while having hocd, we doubt our relationships with our hocd feelings. like thinking we’re not into our partner bc we must be this sexuality and so and so.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I had rocd first then it switched to hocd :/
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Mine goes back and forth, and I've narrowed it down to the one fear that I have, which is losing my boyfriend or hurting him. So, when HOCD acts up, I know if I were gay, I'd have to leave him for a woman. When ROCD acts up, it's just that feeling of something being wrong and what if I don't love him and again, have to leave him. I think ROCD and HOCD go hand in hand because they result in the same thing of leaving your parter. Although, not everybody with HOCD is in a relationship, so this theory has flaws lol.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Totally relate! I think for single people it’s about a loss of identity or loss of a future you envision...as that all gets flipped on it’s head with hocd.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Yes I got ROCD, didn’t know that’s what it was at the time, ended up leaving my partner, and then it turned into HOCD/TOCD. Such a nightmare. It is the same pattern. I feel like I HAVE to do this or that for the thoughts to go away..so I give in (ie break up with my partner) and it just manifests in worse and worse ways.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Warrior113 Yes , even if you aren't single it's still like a loss of a future you envisioned WITH someone else if it's ROCD. I completely agree.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 16w ago
So for a while i have been suffering of HOCD combined with a little of ROCD and had massive episodes of anxiety and panic attacks, because of that I lost my attraction and my libido while also being in a relationship and that stresses me bad. Also since the start of the severe anxiety I started to lose it gradually over time and at the moment I do not feel any anxiety anymore while having these thoughts which makes me think that I want this to happen because they don’t disgust me anymore. Any advices on how to hold on and get over my OCD? Also is the disappearing of disgust a sign of recovery or denial?
- User type
- Therapist
- Date posted
- 10w ago
Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate love, however if you are living with Relationship OCD (ROCD) this can be a very triggering day. Relationship OCD is essentially, the fear of being in the wrong relationship, not truly loving your partner, or not being loved by your partner. This makes you doubt the true nature of your relationship and makes you believe that your entire relationship is based on lies. It can make you feel like a bad person and not worthy of love. ROCD will make you believe that you need to leave the relationship just to find some peace. When we think about ROCD we often think that this only applies to romantic relationships, however ROCD can impact friendships and family relationships as well. ROCD will attack whatever relationship is most important to you. As an ERP therapist some of the most common obsessions that I have seen include “Is my partner ‘The One’”? “Maybe I am meant to be with someone else”. “What if my partner cheats on me or worse I cheat on him/her”? “I find X attractive. Should I break up with my partner and be with X”? “Do I even love my partner? What if they don’t love me?” This list could go on and on. The basis of all of these intrusive thoughts is fear and doubt. The compulsions associated with ROCD are vast. The most common include checking feelings to make sure you really love your partner, avoidance behaviors, reassurance seeking behaviors both from your partner and from others and ruminating on the relationship in the hopes of figuring out if this is the “right” relationship for you. ROCD, as in most theses in OCD, wants 100% uncertainty that this relationship will work out with no conflict or compromise. The problem is this is unrealistic. All relationships will have some level of conflict and compromise in them. There is no “perfect relationship”. Most of us have grown up with fairy tales where one true love will come and sweep up off our feet. Life and relationships can be messy and complicated, but they are worth it and are a key aspect of what makes us human. The fact is ROCD makes you doubt everything and will take the joy, excitement and contentment out of the relationship. The good news is that treatment is available, and it is possible to have a long, happy, fulfilling relationship despite ROCD fears. It does take time, perseverance and patience. Treatment using Exposure Response Prevention has been proven to lessen intrusive thoughts. You will learn to manage your expectations of the relationships while leaning into your fears and learning to accept the uncomfortable feelings. By doing this, you can bring joy and contentment back into you life and your relationships. I'd love to hear about how ROCD is showing up for you. Share your experiences in the comments below or ask your questions about ROCD and I will respond to them.
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 10w ago
Looking back, my introverted nature and struggles to find belonging in high school may have set the stage for how OCD would later impact my relationships. I had my first relationship in high school, but OCD wasn’t a major factor then. It wasn’t until my longest relationship—six years from age 18 to 24—that OCD really took hold. The relationship itself wasn’t the issue; it was what happened after. When it ended, I became obsessed with confessing past mistakes, convinced I had to be completely transparent. Even when my partner was willing to work past them, I couldn’t let go of the intrusive thoughts, and that obsession landed me in the hospital. From there, my struggle with ROCD (Relationship OCD) fully emerged. For years, every time I tried to move forward in dating, doubts consumed me. I would start seeing someone and feel fine, but then the questions would creep in: Do I really like her? Do I find her attractive? Is she getting on my nerves? What if I’m with the wrong person? I’d break things off, thinking I was following my true feelings. But then I’d question: Was that really how I felt, or was it just OCD? I tried again and again, each time hoping I could “withstand it this time,” only to fall back into the same cycle. The back and forth hurt both me and the person I was with. By the time I realized it was ROCD, the damage had been done, and I still hadn’t built the tools to manage it. Now, at 28, I know I need to approach dating differently. I recently talked to someone from a dating app, and my OCD still showed up—questioning my every move, making me doubt my own decisions. I haven’t yet done ERP specifically for ROCD, but I know that’s my next step. Just like I’ve learned tools for managing my other OCD subtypes, I need a set of strategies for when intrusive doubts hit in relationships. My goal this year is to stop letting uncertainty control me—to learn how to sit with doubt instead of trying to “figure it out.” I want to break the cycle and be able to build something healthy without my OCD sabotaging it. I know I’m not alone in this, and I know healing is possible. I’m hopeful that working with a therapist will help me develop exposures and thought loops to practice. I don’t expect to eliminate doubt entirely—after all, doubt is a part of every relationship—but I want to reach a place where it doesn’t paralyze me. Where I can move forward without constantly questioning whether I should. And where I can be in a relationship without feeling like OCD is pulling the strings. I would appreciate hearing about your experiences with ROCD. Please share your thoughts or any questions in the comments below. I’d love to connect and offer my perspective. Thanks!
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