- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
This is some pretty heavy real event, but I relate. I know what it feels like to not be a good person for an amount of time. OCD wants you to feel guilty. It wants you to feel guilt and never let go. No matter how many people forgive you and tell you it’s okay, OCD wants you to be guilty. So to beat it, you need to relieve the guilt. You realized you did something wrong and you apologized (only need to do so once). That’s it. Now time to move forward. Moving forward involves forgiving yourself. I know it’s super hard to forgive yourself when you feel like such an immoral person, but forgiving yourself is key to moving forward. Part of learning is failing. And sometimes when we fail we do really bad shit, but we get the most important lessons from those failures. It’s okay. Any more apologizing and confessing from this point on is just a compulsion. Resist it and work on forgiving yourself and accepting yourself for who you were, are, and going to be.
- Date posted
- 4y
We are not defined by what some people may consider “wrong.” Some people are perfectly confident that wearing a mask was unnecessary, and some people felt the opposite. Who gets to decide what’s right? And don’t we all do things we think may not be 100% “right” sometimes? (For example, we all lie/leave out details of stories). Doing something someone may consider “wrong” or that you feel is “wrong” looking back at it does not make you a bad person. Stop confessing immediately, this is a compulsion. Just so you know, these are my obsessions and compulsions too so I can relate.
- Date posted
- 4y
Yeah I know I need to just accept what I did and just do better. Since posting this I’ve apologized and confessed to two more people that I put at risk. But there’s so many other people at risk abd I’ll never be able to apologize and confess to all of them. Also I’m starting to look insane I think
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anonymous You don’t “need to do better” necessarily. Who is to say you even did anything wrong. Hell, I barely ever wore my mask and didn’t get the vaccine and did not maintain 6 feet distance. Sure, some people will say you did wrong, but some would people say you didn’t. That’s what you need to accept. And no more confessing!
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anonymous I’m going to try to stop. There’s other people I put at risk that I’m so tempted to confess and apologize to but I need to resist. They never even got sick ever but still
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anonymous Morality is confusing and it is impossible to say if you’ve definitively did something right or wrong. For me personally, I try to decide if I did something wrong by considering how it negatively impacts people. So yes, you put people at risk during a pandemic and it is a “bad” thing that you should stop doing but you should stop confessing too. Try to find some forgiveness AND compassion for yourself. It’s hard, but you need to. You can’t change what happened and you already apologized so many times. Don’t give OCD that guilt it wants. Let go. Sometimes we feel so much guilt because we don’t want to feel hated, I know I do. That fear of being judged and hated by others for what we did can be so overwhelming that we choose to feel guilt instead. It’s also hard to grapple with being a “bad” person. We live in a society that puts a lot of weight on morals and being a “good” person, so when we feel like a “bad” person it wrecks us. It hurts. That’s drives that guilt too. Fun fact: I go to a party university. A HUGE one. Do you know how many people didn’t wear masks, partied, went to the club, etc. A LOT. Being someone who worked at a Covid testing center, has health anxiety, and has people in her life who are very immunocompromised, it definitely made me frustrated with those people. I knew a girl who tested positive, knew she was positive, and still went to places and parties unmasked. It infuriated me actually. As much as it made me angry with those people, I wouldn’t say they are “bad” people. They’re PEOPLE who made what I personally consider a bad choice, but they are not bad themselves. It really helped me to learn to separate my actions from myself. You are not your thoughts OR actions. You are a whole being that’s wayyyyy more complex than any of that. That ability to separate actions from the self makes it easier to forgive. You did something that you now consider bad, but you yourself are not a bad person. That person deserves some self compassion.
- Date posted
- 4y
@stop. I like this response. I also appreciate you saying how you feel that behavior was “bad” and acknowledge that other people may not consider that bad. I personally don’t think masks help and that’s just my opinion so I don’t consider not wearing one “bad.” It’s really all perspective.
- Date posted
- 4y
Thanks guys for your responses. They really help. I would wear a mask like at grocery stores and stuff, but I wouldn’t wash it regularly so I don’t know how much it would help. I’m about to write letters to more people to apologize. It’s going to seem weird but I feel like I have to. My problem is that I can’t possibly apologize to everyone and it’s killing me
- Date posted
- 4y
Don’t write those letters. It’s a compulsion. That need to apologize and confess is a compulsion in this case. You have to fight against it. I know it seems hard, but you need to break the cycle.
- Date posted
- 4y
Don’t confess!
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anonymous Guys I’m going insane. I just sent follow ups to people with more details that feel bad about. I’m about to ruin any chance of getting job references from these people abd I don’t even care
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anonymous Stop confessing right away
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anonymous You have to stop. I know it’s hard but you have to sit with being uncomfortable. You cannot keep doing this compulsion.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
I’ve done things in the past few years that I’m not proud of - only a couple of things I can think of and they didn’t directly hurt anyone at least with is relieving (but maybe indirectly they sort of did or could’ve which makes me hate myself because why did I do that… *how* could I do that…) If I could back and stop those things from happening, I would. I may not have thought about what I was doing at the time, so I didn’t really recognize that they weren’t okay, but that doesn’t excuse them, and I would smack some sense into my past self if I were able. I feel like if anyone knew what I‘ve done, they wouldn’t want anything to do with me. They’d write me off as worthless. And maybe they should to be honest. Now yet another thing has come up - I haven’t done anything, but I had an intrusive thought pop up that made me *think* about doing something and this would be unforgivable in my opinion. Though, to be honest, the things I’ve done before are also somewhat unforgivable in my opinion… 😞 Regardless, I don’t want to do it because I don’t think it’s okay, but I worry deep down that I do. Or that I’m looking for an excuse to make it okay to do. I don’t know, it’s complicated. And I’m upset I even thought about it. I wish I had never seen the thing that triggered that intrusive thought. Yet another thing I would stop if I could. I’ve tried to not think about it or focus on it, but it doesn’t work. Even if it goes away, it just comes back again. I just keep thinking about it and it’s overwhelming. Anyway all of the guilt of this is killing me. I feel like an irredeemably terrible person and it makes me want to give up. I can’t get on with life because it’s paralyzing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and at this point, it feels like I don’t deserve to just move on. I can’t live with myself and I feel like I don’t deserve anything anymore. I know a lot of this is probably OCD, but I’m not sure all of it is and I don’t know what to do… if I spoke to a therapist about it, I don’t think I could bring myself to say what I’ve done or what thoughts I’ve had. But if I was told to move on by someone who didn’t know the truth, I would worry they wouldn’t really say that if they knew. Agh, it’s all just a mess 😞
- Date posted
- 21w
I have recently entered a phase of extremely obsessive thoughts of every mistake I’ve ever made. Things from over a decade ago, things that happened recently, or even things currently happening like my own thoughts and feelings that I have no control over. Ever since I was little I have been a habitual liar. For the most part, I just tell little white lies or exaggerated stories. I even lie about things that don’t matter at all, like if I’ve seen a certain movie or something. But I have also lied about some serious things, like bad things happening to me, like abuse or SA. (DISCLAIMER - I’ve never accused anyone of these things to the police or anything like that). I hate that I’ve done this and I feel so disgusted with my behavior. I’ve been obsessing over this and unable to forgive myself or feel better about doing this. I feel like such a sick human being. I know most of the reasons for why I lie—attention, sympathy, to seem more interesting, to relate to someone, or to even pretend that my life is better than it is. I never ever have any bad intentions when I lie, but I know that doesn’t mean a whole lot. Sometimes I lie so naturally that I don’t even realize it, and sometimes I lie to the point that I actually believe what I’m saying. Somethings wrong with me and I don’t want to be this way anymore. I hate myself and I feel like I’m being tortured with this guilt. I feel like I don’t deserve to ever feel better because this is a result of my own actions. I have a group of girl friends that I met online that I’ve known for about 3 years. I lied about and insinuated that bad things had happened to me to them, because I wanted to relate to them and maybe because I wanted sympathy. I was actually emotionally abused by my ex, and he did kind of get physical with me one time (if I’m remembering correctly, but my OCD doubts if that even actually happened), but I have exaggerated and said that I was abused physically. I also have portrayed my life to be completely different than it is, because I hate my life and I like to pretend that things are better than they are. In a way, I feel like it’s a form of escapism. When I talk to them, I can pretend that I’m a different person. A more interesting, less pathetic, and more relatable person. I’ve lied to them so much that I can’t even begin to remember them all, and I feel so disgusted by myself, and the guilt of this is adding onto my other debilitating guilt. I can’t stop obsessing over it and I feel like I’m an awful person for this. I feel like I don’t deserve to feel better. I’m unable to function, and I can’t forgive myself no matter what. I know that if I confess to them, they’ll be disgusted by my behavior and not want to speak to me again. Especially because I lied about things that are so sensitive. And they’re perfectly within their right to feel that way and to reject me. I don’t know if I can handle the rejection and stress of confessing at this moment in time. I also just can’t even remember all of my lies. But if I keep talking to them, I’ll have to upkeep my lies, and I know I’ll never get better if I keep having to lie. None of my lies have caused them any actual harm, most of my lies are harmless, and it’s not like I’ll ever actually meet them in person, but I feel like I’ve gone against my morals, and I know that it was wrong. Even though my ex is an awful person and put me through hell, I feel bad that I’ve told these girls online that he’d abused me when he actually hasn’t (other than the one time he sorta got physical with me). He even has been going around telling people things about me and degrading me, and this has been going on for nearly 10 years. But I know it was wrong to lie about that regardless of what he’s done or what he’s actively doing to me. The girls don’t have his full name or info or anything like that, they just know his first name and that he’s my ex and that he “physically abused” me. I don’t ever lie out of malice. My dad is a pathological liar and he’s never received help, and I feel like I’ve learned his behavior. I especially feel bad because one of my online friends gave me an extremely expensive gift for my birthday last October, and I didn’t ask for it or anything or manipulate her into giving it to me, but I feel awful that she gave me a gift when I’ve lied about so many things. It’s also not something I can give back since it was an online thing, and I genuinely don’t have the money to pay her back. I feel like I’ve been living a lie and that it’s unfair to them. I am so so scared to tell the truth. I think I’d be less scared if I was only admitting it to one person, but I’d be admitting it to three. I know that they’ll think I’m terrible, disgusting, and that they’ll hate me, and then they’ll probably talk about how awful I am with each other. Which is perfectly justified. I just am so scared of it. I’m in a really bad state of mind. I can’t function and all I do all day is lay around and obsess over all my mistakes. I know the lying is out of my control to a certain extent and that I have a problem and mental illness, but I still can’t forgive myself. I feel disgusting and awful and like I’m a bad person and no matter what I do, I’m reminded of it. I feel like I’m going crazy and that I deserve to feel this way for what I’ve done. And I feel hopeless because I feel like I won’t ever feel better from this unbearable state unless I confess, but I really don’t feel like I’m ready. Every day I become more and more certain that I’m terrible.
- Date posted
- 21w
i don’t know what changed, but in the past 1-2 weeks something switched in my brain and now i am obsessing over every mistake I’ve ever made, and i firmly believe the guilt i feel is justified. i am a pathological liar and i’m realizing i may have lied about more things than I ever intended to. i think i tricked myself into believing some things and now I feel awful that I’ve lied to myself and others about so many things. my mind is a mess and i can’t even tell what is a lie and what isn’t anymore. i also feel like i’ve been taking advantage of my boyfriends family who has financially supported me for these past few years, because i had convinced myself and everyone around me that my physical health & mental health was worse than it actually was. i never meant to take advantage or hurt anyone, but i can definitely say that i became complacent and comfortable living these past few years without having to worry about work, school, or really anything. i think i used “not feeling well” as an excuse to not do anything because i was too afraid to leave the house and function in society. i feel so awful and disgusted by my behavior and the guilt is eating me alive. i even feel bad using my phone because they pay for it, and feel bad being in my apartment for the same reason. i feel like everything about me is a lie and they’ve been paying for and supporting a person completely different than they thought. maybe i’m not who I portrayed myself out to be at all. i’ve felt so disgusting and so awful i can barely stand it. this morning i woke up feeling like i was suffocating, my chest hurt so bad and i felt like there was absolutely no way out. i really felt like i was dying. other than the lying, i’ve felt awful about things i did as a child where i didn’t know any better, or i even feel bad about my own thoughts and emotions that I have no control over. my mom says i’m being too hard on myself, and that i can’t help that i lie, but i don’t believe that. i think i deserve to feel this way and that i’m not being hard enough on myself. i lied and took advantage and therefore i deserve to suffer. i caused people to worry for me when it wasn’t necessary, when i was fine. i deserve to feel so guilty that i’m nauseous, i deserve to feel ashamed. i feel like i don’t deserve to eat or feel better, even though i desperately want to. i feel so guilty and so shameful i literally can’t function. i want to escape this feeling so bad, i want to get out of this guilt that’s keeping me from moving on and improving myself. i acknowledge that i have a lying problem, that it’s a mental illness, but i am ashamed of it and feel disgusted that i’m this way even though i can’t help some of it. i truly don’t know what to do or how to have compassion for myself. probably a good idea to share that my dad is a pathological liar and never received help, and i’m pretty sure i learned this behavior through him. not to mention all the stuff i did as a kid that i feel bad about, or the fact that i feel bad about things i can’t control. and i even feel bad about finding certain things funny. the guilt is killing me and i don’t know how i’m ever supposed to become a better person if i’m so sure that i’m undeserving of ever feeling better. in my head i truly feel like im a monster. i feel like i’m having a crisis because i’m realizing i lied about a lot of things without even really realizing it. or i deceived myself into thinking things. and I’ve lied about things for sympathy, for attention, to make myself seem more interesting, or to make me seem less pathetic than i actually am. i’ve lied about some serious things, and i’ve lied about things that don’t matter at all. i don’t know how to keep living. i want to go home to my apartment and be in my safe space, but i feel disgusting being there when i’ve taken advantage of my boyfriend’s family, even though it was never my intention. no matter what I do and where i go, i feel wrong. because i’ve done so many bad things and i can’t forgive myself. i feel so morally wrong i can’t stand it and i don’t see things ever getting better. i feel like I’m going crazy and i feel so alone. i can’t escape this guilt no matter what. and i feel overwhelmed because I know this isn’t something that can be fixed quickly. am i ever gonna be able to live without shame ever again? am i ever gonna be able to do the things i love again? the things that brought me comfort? nothing brings me any comfort, and i spend all day in bed or sitting around doing absolutely nothing because i can’t distract myself. i can’t stop thinking about all the things i’ve done no matter how hard i try. i obsessively read and look up online things to try and find reassurance. i feel like i’m going crazy. and i just feel so sorry. to everyone. and i’m so extremely ashamed of my behavior. i can’t stop obsessing about the past, the present, and the future. don’t i deserve to feel this way when i’ve lied and done bad things? even if it wasn’t my intention, or if it’s a result of a mental illness? don’t i deserve to feel debilitating guilt when i’ve been a bad person? even though i know i never had any bad intentions, i don’t think it matters. am i gonna feel this way forever, where everything i do or everywhere i look, im reminded of the the things ive done?
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