I watched porn and i feel guilty. My brain is telling me that they could have been 18 on the dot but i still watched it bc i felt like my brain was sabotaging me. I clicked on videos with mature audiences but it tells me you scrolled through young pornstars. I feel disgusted and depressed. I honestly don’t care about living sometimes.

feel like if i stopped watching porn i’d feel like 50 percent better already. it makes me feel so guilty and i get so many intrusive thoughts. last night i couldn’t sleep at all bcuz i saw this video and it didn’t say the age of the girl or anything but i was aroused by it and she looked young. i hate myself sm. i’ve told everyone i’m gonna try and stop but after a day or two i just watch it bcuz it makes me feel less anxiety about certain themes but makes sexual intrusive thoughts so much worse. i used to be scared of porn because i thought i would go to hell if i watched it and now i feel like for the past year i’ve watched way too much. anyone have any tips on how to stop?

I can't enjoy anything today because I'm not only stuck in the past with things I wish didn't happen to me and that I'm having trouble being kind to myself in general. Porn destroyed my teenage years and it's affecting my young adult years now. I look back on everything and just think I'm disgusting for it. Some days like these I just can't shake the guilt or the shame. They just hit me full force.

This is all probably tmi, but I’m struggling quite a bit so please bear with me. I recently cut back/quit watching mainstream porn, but the other day I was searching for a certain scene from the movie “X” to use as a… replacement. (Mia Goth is one of my biggest celebrity crushes, and I was just trying to explore alternatives to traditional porn 🤦‍♀️) While looking for this, I stumbled upon an explicit scene of hers from the movie “Nymphomaniac” that I used instead. I’ve never seen this movie, so I was incredibly disgusted when I found out afterward that she was 18/19 when filming this movie and that her character in the movie is SUPPOSED TO BE 15. I’m 24, so needless to say, I was a bit horrified. I had no idea she was so young in this (or that the character she played was underage), and I feel sick that I used this to pleasure myself. None of this crossed my mind beforehand considering it was a pretty explicit scene in a mainstream film. I assumed she was around my age. Even though she was technically an adult while filming this, she was still far to young for me personally and I feel deeply ashamed. This event has triggered memories from the ages 18-22 (I worry even 23) where I would search the “teen” category (18-19) on porn websites. I feel disgusting for looking at this stuff once I got out of my teen years, and even though I stopped, I feel dirty and predatory for doing this in my early 20s. Before I took a hiatus from watching this content this year, I would only watch things where I could tell the actors were my age or older. But the past is haunting me. And I just feel so gross. I should have stuck with the scene from the movie I was searching for (because she was 28/29 in that and I KNEW that), or I shouldn’t have watched anything at all. Hell, typing this out is starting to make me obsess over whether I’m disgusting or not for doing this to something that wasn’t really intended to be “porn”. I feel like I’ve violated this actress by using this film for something it wasn’t really intended for. I know I should quit all of this entirely, but my medication makes it incredibly difficult to “perform”, and imagination alone just doesn’t work for me. I’m just so frustrated and everything I do makes me hate myself more. I’m sorry for the graphic nature of this post. I was just wondering if anyone could relate or give me some advice.