Everyday I see a trigger that most people can walk away from but having contamination ocd I’m really struggling. Today I saw blood on the public bathroom floor and while I saw it before I stepped in the stall, I’m just really struggling now as I got close to it and public bath and blood are my trigger. Really looking for tools to fight that ocd voice please.

I’m having a really, really hard day. I usually stick to being positive and giving advice on here, but I need to share right now. For reference, I have trans ocd. I decided to sign up and commit to this series of yoga classes not realizing that going to them was going to trigger me repeatedly, way beyond my current limits. There’s so much work on emotions and connecting to the body. And somehow my entire class ended up being women. I’ve been in a state of panic for two days now that I can’t seem to get out of. I’m convinced all of my OCD fears are more true than ever and I can’t seem to come up with anything, even a compulsion, to convince me otherwise. Ive been trying to sit in the uncertainty but the panic just. won’t. stop. I didn’t sleep last night. I’ve barely eaten in 2 days. This is basically flooding. What’s most upsetting is that I’ve been in therapy and was doing better. These set backs make it harder and harder to keep trying because they re-traumatize and sensitize me to all of my triggers. I’m committed to two months of these classes and paid for them. I want to push through. I want to be capable of this. I want to overcome each fear, but my body keeps responding with utter panic and terror. I don’t know how I can continue if my body just won’t let me. I’ve experienced many lows with OCD. I’m trying to keep perspective that none of them lasted forever and this can’t either. But I’m struggling to function at the moment. And all I want to do is give in to what my OCD is telling me: “you can’t connect to your body because you are trans and in denial. You want a flat chest and a penis and a beard. You don’t want breasts. You need to accept it. You need to transition and be the man you really are. You need to stop trying to be a woman because it’s fake. You need to surrender. You need to stop being such a baby. Deep down you know it’s true. Give in already. For anyone also experiencing trans ocd: my thoughts are with you. I know the pain of this is real and can destroy your life. I hope this gets easier. I wish I had a safe space to climb into and forget about everything for awhile. But you can’t escape your mind.

I can’t deal with this OCD bullshit anymore. It’s to the point where every time I walk out my house and come back in I have to sanitize my shoes then the floor where my shoes stepped. I even have my boyfriend doing this and he doesn’t have OCD. I can’t even enough life like I use to anymore I have constantly be cleaning and disinfecting. All these chemicals that have gotten on my skin I know that can’t be healthy. I’m scared the thought of even walking in with my shoes and not using disinfectant triggers me so badly that it ruins my whole day. This all happened when weeks ago I saw a skunk at night walking through the apartment complex I lived in. Then I took my dogs to the vet to get their vaccines. Even though there was no contact I still freak out about rabies. Then the vet assured me that everything was ok. Then I see this stray cat that walks around the apartment complex and he is always trying to come up to my apartment door or the walkway then I’ve seen him walk we’re the skunk area was so now I’m like what if this cat has rabies and I walk where it walks and track it in my house and get rabies. God forbid. It’s to the point where we have a shoe rack and we have to disinfect every time we walk in and out. The other day I had guest and when they left the whole entire house was mopped and I even had bathe my dogs too since they were walking around where everyone was stepping. I even threw away their dog bed and bought them new ones. Please help I can’t live like this anymore.

I need a different perspective on this. I feel like I'm being run through the ringer. I'm doing what I can to avoid reassurance and not avoid triggers but I get triggered every day. I'm trying so hard to sit with the panic and the horror but it's so hard. It gets to the point I feel physically sick. Is there anything that I can do to help with this? I feel alone. I don't feel strong, I feel like a punching bag. Why is this so hard to master? I really want to know it gets easier. I've been suffering from POCD that has evolved and gotten worse and worse over the past eight months that has been torturing me multiple times on a daily basis and I feel like I'm drowning. I want to run away and hide because my life feel like it's seconds from being ruined. Please, please tell me this gets easier. That this ERP therapy will stop making me feel like I'm dying. The small moments of victory feel so brief only for me to get hit with another wave. There is so much uncertainty over such a horrific thing I feel ill. I feel afraid to be alone with my mind. Please if anyone out there can please give me tips on how to handle ERP. One moment I think I'm finally beating this thing and the next it's got me pinned and I'm terrified my life will be ruined. I want my peace back, I need help and I'm doing everything I can to resist compulsions but I feel so alone and dirty and disgusting. Please help me. Thank you for any advice 💕