Last night I was comparing intimate scenarios in my head and it keeps feeling like I truly wanted to and additionally I had thoughts like because my own body parts are soft (chest) objectively so would another woman’s which felt like it would be good but I don’t want that at all and it felt like I would be curious about what it’d be like to touch another woman’s chest but again I don’t want to. And when I imagined a scenario with a friend it felt the same as when I compulsively try to imagine scenarios with my boyfriend because of how badly I want to be able to enjoy those things with him. So just numb really and sad, except I want to do those things with my partner but not another girl. I think this is truly denial, no one else has thoughts about it actually being nice and actually enjoyable / curious even though it used to make me so uncomfortable. I ache to be near my partner, not another woman even if I am bi whatever that’s fine but I just want to feel something for my partner again in that aspect without questioning everything

Thinking about relationships makes me feel so bad. At this point both men and women trigger this obsession with trying to figure out what my sexuality is. I don’t really want to date anyone, I’ve been okay with this for over a year, and it’s not like I’ve been completely detached from the lgtbqia community. Like, I know lesbians and other wlw and for a long time I thought I was like bi (I think I’m honestly more aro than I realized), and I haven’t thought much, but ever since I realized I don’t want to share my future with anyone it’s like my brain is screeeeaming that this just means I’m a lesbian, when that’s never been a thought that crossed my mind. It’s definitely been better for me lately when I started cutting out compulsions and all that, but I’m still undiagnosed and I don’t know for sure what exactly is happening to me. If I was a lesbian I’d accept myself, but it’s the fact that it feels SO BAD when I think about it that makes me feel like I need to figure it out even more. Like is it anxiety because I don’t like it or anxiety because it’s like internalized homophobia? And it’s like omg I need to figure it out otherwise I’m just living a lie and I won’t ever be happy. I’ll get flashes of anxiety when I’m just watching a movie or a YouTube video about a boy band I like... and it throws things from the lesbian masterdoc in my face about how I had crushes on fictional characters and celebrities and how that’s something that lesbians do because it’s ‘safer’ to crush on unobtainable men. And it just feels bad bc I know I’ve had crushes on guys that were my friends too but I also have a lot of trauma and I wasn’t allowed to date growing up so that’s what I did to actually explore romance. When the anxiety spikes it makes me feel as if it was all a sign. What’s worse is that I started looking to aromanticism before I read the doc and there’s this bit about how some lesbians think they’re aro bc they don’t like men but never explore their attraction to women either and it’s like ahhhh what’s the truth. I don’t know anymore. Not thinking about it makes me antsy, & the second my anxiety spikes it’s hard to do anything during the rest of the day. I don’t want to think about falling in love and having relationships, I miss when I was just living life in the moment. I miss not thinking twice about when I found a guy attractive, or even a girl. Like it just makes my brain hurt so bad.

I feel like my sexual orientation has changed, it truly feels like I’ll never be straight again and I’m heartbroken. I go out in public and I check if I’m attracted to the pretty girls, I start to make new female friends and I worry I like them, I look at them in ways I never did before just to “make sure”. I worry that I’ll enjoy sex and feelings with girls more and that it’ll be greater than what I have with my partner. I worry that my struggle with intimacy with my boyfriend is because I don’t like men as opposed to my insecurities and inexperience and shyness. It feels like I can’t find appeal in men anymore and even though I find no appeal in women either, my mind tells me my lack of attraction means I Need to be attracted to women. I don’t want to. I’ve had two lesbian dreams this week and it felt like I wanted it. I try to imagine myself in same sex scenarios and I get confused , it feels like I want it when at the beginning of this it just didn’t click. It feels like all my close girl friends from my past are secret crushes. It feels like my attraction to men was never real. I’m so scared and so afraid and so lost, I feel like a prisoner. It feels like my sexuality has changed, I Must be attracted to women. Although I know I love my boyfriend deeply, I now worry a women will come and take his place. I hate this. It makes me feel like my bond with my boyfriend isn’t as special , when my bond with him is what I treasure most. Almost All the best days of my life were with him and now I feel like I’ll have to give it up to be with a woman. I feel like I’m living a lie, I feel like I’m going to have to come out and be with women, my grandma will treat me differently. It feels too real, way way too real.

Why can't I figure this out and why when I try to it makes me feel like I am gay? I feel so depressed I was starting to be myself again and I was so happy even got a girlfriend and was working out and about to get a job too but now it's all lost I hav wno motivation to do anything, when I check gay porn I get aroused, when I imagine scenarios no matter what I get aroused I guess I've lost. I've never been homophobic or saw it as wrong but I also was never interested in men I always had crushes and fantasized about women and wanting to only be with women but now it feels like I can't even do that. I'm also noticing men alot more now too as handsome or pretty boy faced and it's making me feel even more in denial ): I fucking hate this so much I would do anything to go back to my comfortable happy self who was straight and girl crazy. I really hope this isn't all real I don't want any of this i just want to be straight not because of society but that's what made me the happiest and most fulfilling version of myself. I just don't understand why it all feels so real? Why I can't no matter what have certainty that stops me from checking? Why does porn cause arousal? Why do I notice men alot more? Even now I still don't want sex or a relationship especially a relationship because the thought of being intimate with a man isn't something I want and would make me uncomfortable and sex causes arousal but it's not something I want unlike women I desire it I want it. It makes me feel all fuzzy and good inside.