- Username
- PinkLotus
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I just want to say this is completely normal, you say ‘I think this is truly denial, no one else has thoughts of it being nice and actually enjoyable’ - that’s not strictly true, at all. The crutch of a lot of obsessions, PARTICULARLY ones that are sexual in nature, is that OCD evokes sensations of ‘enjoyment’ (such as physical arousal), which is the reason people become so absorbed with the obsession - it FEELS REAL! I don’t want to reassure, but, you are not bi. Look, if I had no understanding or OCD, and took what you said at face value (I.e that you have these sexual thoughts that create a feeling of ‘enjoyment’ (arousal) & ‘curiousity’ about the same sex, while also feeling a disconnection from your partner - ignoring all of the OCD stuff; you’re right, I would think you’re bi. But the fact that you have OCD turns that on it’s HEAD, completely. It’s the same for someone has harm obsessions for example, if I was a layman (no understanding or OCD), and I heard that some woman was constantly thinking about stabbing her child, I’d think she was seriously disturbed - but again, I’m sure you’d agree that having OCD turns that presumption on its head. The reason I’m saying this is that, as someone with OCD, you’re looking at your own situation - despite prior knowledge of OCD - as though you’re just a non-OCD individual experiencing those thoughts. The division is QUITE bold.
Thank you for this I truly needed it, especially the last paragraph, it’s true I’m treating all of this like it’s not ocd and treating the thoughts like reality is hurting me a lot.
I can relate to this
Hang in there
I am scared can’t stop thinking of these thoughts it feels real at first when this started I didn’t get feelings and emotions.. getting this nagging thoughts sayinv try it you don’t know unless you try it is horrible it is wrecking my life please help !
I totally understand what you’re feeling, you’re not alone
Thanks for sharing your current experience. I would say that you should be very proud of yourself for 1st noticing the anxiety, distress, and discomfort and letting those feelings of anxiety, fear, etc. be there.This is a perfect time to as I like to say "practice" ERP. Practice not analyzing any of those points you mentioned and place your attention on this present moment. Feel your feet on the ground, take a deep breathe, go for a walk, read, go hangout with a close companion, or play a sport. Not avoiding the discomfort, but choosing to do things you want to do and not give any attention to dwelling on that.The most important part being the response prevention. Not easy, but part of the work. When this type of situation occurs and we are in environments in which we are organically exposed to distress, use this as an opportunity to practice doing the work! This allows for two things; showing yourself you can handle and tolerate it, and also letting your body know that although you feel uncomfortable you are willing to keep doing whatever it is you are doing and getting on with your day! This is the foundation!
Thinking about relationships makes me feel so bad. At this point both men and women trigger this obsession with trying to figure out what my sexuality is. I don’t really want to date anyone, I’ve been okay with this for over a year, and it’s not like I’ve been completely detached from the lgtbqia community. Like, I know lesbians and other wlw and for a long time I thought I was like bi (I think I’m honestly more aro than I realized), and I haven’t thought much, but ever since I realized I don’t want to share my future with anyone it’s like my brain is screeeeaming that this just means I’m a lesbian, when that’s never been a thought that crossed my mind. It’s definitely been better for me lately when I started cutting out compulsions and all that, but I’m still undiagnosed and I don’t know for sure what exactly is happening to me. If I was a lesbian I’d accept myself, but it’s the fact that it feels SO BAD when I think about it that makes me feel like I need to figure it out even more. Like is it anxiety because I don’t like it or anxiety because it’s like internalized homophobia? And it’s like omg I need to figure it out otherwise I’m just living a lie and I won’t ever be happy. I’ll get flashes of anxiety when I’m just watching a movie or a YouTube video about a boy band I like... and it throws things from the lesbian masterdoc in my face about how I had crushes on fictional characters and celebrities and how that’s something that lesbians do because it’s ‘safer’ to crush on unobtainable men. And it just feels bad bc I know I’ve had crushes on guys that were my friends too but I also have a lot of trauma and I wasn’t allowed to date growing up so that’s what I did to actually explore romance. When the anxiety spikes it makes me feel as if it was all a sign. What’s worse is that I started looking to aromanticism before I read the doc and there’s this bit about how some lesbians think they’re aro bc they don’t like men but never explore their attraction to women either and it’s like ahhhh what’s the truth. I don’t know anymore. Not thinking about it makes me antsy, & the second my anxiety spikes it’s hard to do anything during the rest of the day. I don’t want to think about falling in love and having relationships, I miss when I was just living life in the moment. I miss not thinking twice about when I found a guy attractive, or even a girl. Like it just makes my brain hurt so bad.
I feel like my sexual orientation has changed, it truly feels like I’ll never be straight again and I’m heartbroken. I go out in public and I check if I’m attracted to the pretty girls, I start to make new female friends and I worry I like them, I look at them in ways I never did before just to “make sure”. I worry that I’ll enjoy sex and feelings with girls more and that it’ll be greater than what I have with my partner. I worry that my struggle with intimacy with my boyfriend is because I don’t like men as opposed to my insecurities and inexperience and shyness. It feels like I can’t find appeal in men anymore and even though I find no appeal in women either, my mind tells me my lack of attraction means I Need to be attracted to women. I don’t want to. I’ve had two lesbian dreams this week and it felt like I wanted it. I try to imagine myself in same sex scenarios and I get confused , it feels like I want it when at the beginning of this it just didn’t click. It feels like all my close girl friends from my past are secret crushes. It feels like my attraction to men was never real. I’m so scared and so afraid and so lost, I feel like a prisoner. It feels like my sexuality has changed, I Must be attracted to women. Although I know I love my boyfriend deeply, I now worry a women will come and take his place. I hate this. It makes me feel like my bond with my boyfriend isn’t as special , when my bond with him is what I treasure most. Almost All the best days of my life were with him and now I feel like I’ll have to give it up to be with a woman. I feel like I’m living a lie, I feel like I’m going to have to come out and be with women, my grandma will treat me differently. It feels too real, way way too real.
My brain can’t stop trying to figure out my sexuality and it’s horrible. I can find both men and women attractive so thought I might be bi, but then I don’t often want sex with my boyfriend so I’m worried I could be a lesbian. I can identify with bi or asexual quite happily but thinking about being a lesbian fills me with so much dread and anxiety. On Saturday I had the best day with my boyfriend. I felt so in love for most of the day which was a triumph considering I’ve had ROCD for the whole of the relationship. There was a time I looked at him and I honestly could’ve cried because I loved him that much. Surely I wouldn’t feel like that if I was a lesbian? I’ve always had crushes on boys growing up, but they were always romantic ones. When I thought of love growing up it was always romantic, I always felt a little alienated because I wasn’t interested in sex and sexual acts. Now, I enjoy sexual things with my boyfriend but he has to work to get me in the mood. I’m worried this means I’m not sexually attracted to him and what this means. But the love I feel sometimes is so intense and fills me with happiness. My mind can’t rest until I’ve figured it out
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