TW: Urgh. I was doing a lot better but I woke up to having a lesbian dream and I think I was enjoying it. Now I just feel numb and like I need to just accept reality. I don’t want to leave my boyfriend. I feel so sad but also just foggy. It doesn’t help because I filed for a prescription on Monday because I was about to run out of sertraline, they still haven’t sorted it for me so I’ve had to have 3 days without my meds.

I’ve had them for years which makes me think it’s just denial :/ I really should practice ERP but I’m so scared it’ll just make me realise I need to come out and have to leave my boyfriend :( Sorry, I know I’m just complaining but today is hard

I also really appreciate your reply, thank you :)

@milliemoo No problem, and I had the same fear. I no longer have HOCD as badly as I did before, but I still have little episodes here and there. Now they don't bring me to my knees like they used too, but I just do ERP exercises whenever I have them. I struggled for two years with really really bad HOCD, my chest was always tight cause I was so anxious about it. I stopped hanging/talking with my friends it really took over my life. So I promise you, ERP really helped me and I highly highly recommend it. Also I'm really sorry today is harder then usual, I wish I could give you some encouraging words without giving you reassurance ❤.

@milliemoo You’ve had lesbian dreams for years?

@lennygirl On and off yes. I’ve also had this extreme anxiety for 7 years. Why do you ask? This question has made me anxious..

@milliemoo I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you anxious! I’m asking because I have suffered with hocd on and off for 8 years. I was asking because I sometimes have dreams too.

@lennygirl Sorry! I just panicked cos I assumed that you thought I was actually just a lesbian 🙃 you don’t need to apologise! I was just having a particularly hard day with it I hope you’re ok :)

Yeah I can relate to all of that:/

Yes actually, when I was going through HOCD I felt numb to men. All my attraction to them was gone, at the time I had never been with anyone, I am now dating the love of my life who is a man. But I remember the day when HOCD set in, it was like a light switch my normal attraction to men was gone. I did ERP on my own cause at the time I couldn't afford therapy of any kind. But I promise you it helps! ❤

@tinyTROLL13 Thank you for that, that is so helpful. I’ve always been boy crazy and have loved my past boyfriends, but I haven’t been in a relationship in awhile so I feel like I am forgetting how happy I was when I was in them. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you do your own ERP? I can only afford one or two sessions because my insurance will not cover it but I am too scared to not do it.

@tinyTROLL13 I have that same feeling of numbness right now as well and it’s making the HOCD thoughts 100x scarier to me. Since these thoughts set in, I feel like when I see an attractive man I know he is attractive but I have lost the desire/ambition to pursue him if that makes any sense. I think I have spent so much time reflecting on my past to see how I felt with women since these thoughts started that my brain won’t even let me remember the fact that I have never been with, nor do I ever want to be with women. It is just starting to get to the point where the thoughts feel so real that I starting to freak out that I actually have lost my attraction to men and will never have the future family with a husband and kids that I have always wanted.

@cf05 I did my own ERP by (as terrifying as it seems) accepting the thoughts when I had them. I would have a thought and acknowledge that they might be true, and if they are it's not the end of the world. When I started working a new job, my boss was very very gay, (now I have never been homophobic but it distressed me given my current situation) I actually befriended him and through him I realized it wouldn't be a huge deal if I was in fact gay. Something else I did was when I was on my phone if I came across something gay I wouldn't immediately swipe away from it, I would acknowledge it and move on to the best of my ability. Basically you have to force yourself to face your fear just by acknowledging things. I know it sucks but I hope that helps. ❤

@tinyTROLL13 I appreciate that. My biggest problem lately has been ruminating on past experiences and convincing myself that my thoughts are 100% true and I am just going to be stuck feeling this way forever. I am so anxious and distraught that I feel this way when I was completely fine two months ago and I would literally give anything to be able to feel normal again.

@cf05 I delt with that too, I would think back to things that happened and would think stuff like, "Well maybe that's why I reacted that way, because I was gay and just didn't know it yet." So I completely understand, and unfortunately it's acknowledgement that it may have been the case to move past it. OCD it sees this stuff as a threat so it attacks it, if you show your brain that it's not a threat ot won't attack it as severely. It will come back at times but if you treat it properly, it won't bring you to your knees like it's doing now.

@tinyTROLL13 Thank you so much for your help, it has been more that comforting to know that I am not alone in this. Being gay is not something that aligns with my values whatsoever, so the fact that I have to “accept the thoughts” in order to move past them scares the hell out of me. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you get your attraction to men back and be able to start seeing your future with a man again? I’m terrified that I’ll never get it back and never be able to find a husband because of these horrible thoughts in my head. This is so isolating.

@cf05 That just comes back with time. So basically see your brain as a office, when your brain sees something alarming it starts to search, and when it can't find any solid info it starts throwing papers everywhere. At that point you've lost more things in the mess then you originally started with, but once you started to accept the uncertainty that you may never know for sure about the topic that you were originally looking for, it'll start to no longer see it as a threat and start to clean up, and while cleaning up you start to find things you'd lost in the process of destroying your office in the first place. I hope that makes sense.