- Date posted
- 3y ago
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I understand you completely. I also had some lesbian dreams and when I woke up I was like: it looked like you were actually enjoying it. That thought distressed me so much. Besides, I’m also feeling numb to men. I know when they’re attractive, but I don’t feel the same way towards them. I don’t have any advice, since this is a new topic for me, but I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. Hope it gets better!
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I understand that feeling all to well, when I was struggling with SOOCD or HOCD when I slept that was the only time I was free from my thoughts. Literally my only escape from them, and then I started having dreams about it and I killed me. But I got through it, ERP really really helps. It's super scary at first, but I promise you it's worth it.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I’ve had them for years which makes me think it’s just denial :/ I really should practice ERP but I’m so scared it’ll just make me realise I need to come out and have to leave my boyfriend :( Sorry, I know I’m just complaining but today is hard
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I also really appreciate your reply, thank you :)
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@milliemoo No problem, and I had the same fear. I no longer have HOCD as badly as I did before, but I still have little episodes here and there. Now they don't bring me to my knees like they used too, but I just do ERP exercises whenever I have them. I struggled for two years with really really bad HOCD, my chest was always tight cause I was so anxious about it. I stopped hanging/talking with my friends it really took over my life. So I promise you, ERP really helped me and I highly highly recommend it. Also I'm really sorry today is harder then usual, I wish I could give you some encouraging words without giving you reassurance ❤.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@milliemoo You’ve had lesbian dreams for years?
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@lennygirl On and off yes. I’ve also had this extreme anxiety for 7 years. Why do you ask? This question has made me anxious..
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@milliemoo I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you anxious! I’m asking because I have suffered with hocd on and off for 8 years. I was asking because I sometimes have dreams too.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@lennygirl Sorry! I just panicked cos I assumed that you thought I was actually just a lesbian 🙃 you don’t need to apologise! I was just having a particularly hard day with it I hope you’re ok :)
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Hi there. I have this same problem going on right now. I am starting ERP with a therapist next week but am terrified that it is going to make me realize that this is not OCD and that my thoughts are true. I have only ever been with men and only want to be with men in the future, but these thoughts are starting to feel so real that it’s making me lose sight of that. Have you ever struggled with feeling like you are losing attraction to the opposite sex? That’s what is scaring me the most lately is that I have spent so much time focusing on these thoughts and ruminating over past experiences trying to analyze how I behaved/felt that I now feel like I don’t have that same natural attraction to men that I always had.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Yeah I can relate to all of that:/
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- 3y ago
Yes actually, when I was going through HOCD I felt numb to men. All my attraction to them was gone, at the time I had never been with anyone, I am now dating the love of my life who is a man. But I remember the day when HOCD set in, it was like a light switch my normal attraction to men was gone. I did ERP on my own cause at the time I couldn't afford therapy of any kind. But I promise you it helps! ❤
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@tinyTROLL13 Thank you for that, that is so helpful. I’ve always been boy crazy and have loved my past boyfriends, but I haven’t been in a relationship in awhile so I feel like I am forgetting how happy I was when I was in them. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you do your own ERP? I can only afford one or two sessions because my insurance will not cover it but I am too scared to not do it.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@tinyTROLL13 I have that same feeling of numbness right now as well and it’s making the HOCD thoughts 100x scarier to me. Since these thoughts set in, I feel like when I see an attractive man I know he is attractive but I have lost the desire/ambition to pursue him if that makes any sense. I think I have spent so much time reflecting on my past to see how I felt with women since these thoughts started that my brain won’t even let me remember the fact that I have never been with, nor do I ever want to be with women. It is just starting to get to the point where the thoughts feel so real that I starting to freak out that I actually have lost my attraction to men and will never have the future family with a husband and kids that I have always wanted.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@cf05 I did my own ERP by (as terrifying as it seems) accepting the thoughts when I had them. I would have a thought and acknowledge that they might be true, and if they are it's not the end of the world. When I started working a new job, my boss was very very gay, (now I have never been homophobic but it distressed me given my current situation) I actually befriended him and through him I realized it wouldn't be a huge deal if I was in fact gay. Something else I did was when I was on my phone if I came across something gay I wouldn't immediately swipe away from it, I would acknowledge it and move on to the best of my ability. Basically you have to force yourself to face your fear just by acknowledging things. I know it sucks but I hope that helps. ❤
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@tinyTROLL13 I appreciate that. My biggest problem lately has been ruminating on past experiences and convincing myself that my thoughts are 100% true and I am just going to be stuck feeling this way forever. I am so anxious and distraught that I feel this way when I was completely fine two months ago and I would literally give anything to be able to feel normal again.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@cf05 I delt with that too, I would think back to things that happened and would think stuff like, "Well maybe that's why I reacted that way, because I was gay and just didn't know it yet." So I completely understand, and unfortunately it's acknowledgement that it may have been the case to move past it. OCD it sees this stuff as a threat so it attacks it, if you show your brain that it's not a threat ot won't attack it as severely. It will come back at times but if you treat it properly, it won't bring you to your knees like it's doing now.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@tinyTROLL13 Thank you so much for your help, it has been more that comforting to know that I am not alone in this. Being gay is not something that aligns with my values whatsoever, so the fact that I have to “accept the thoughts” in order to move past them scares the hell out of me. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you get your attraction to men back and be able to start seeing your future with a man again? I’m terrified that I’ll never get it back and never be able to find a husband because of these horrible thoughts in my head. This is so isolating.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@cf05 That just comes back with time. So basically see your brain as a office, when your brain sees something alarming it starts to search, and when it can't find any solid info it starts throwing papers everywhere. At that point you've lost more things in the mess then you originally started with, but once you started to accept the uncertainty that you may never know for sure about the topic that you were originally looking for, it'll start to no longer see it as a threat and start to clean up, and while cleaning up you start to find things you'd lost in the process of destroying your office in the first place. I hope that makes sense.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 17w ago
I feel so sad, alone, scared and hopeless. Until two months ago there was not even the remote possibility of being anything other than heterosexual and now the idea that I could find out that I was lesbian or bisexual terrifies me to death. Everything was born from the fact that I didn't feel sexual desire towards my ex-boyfriend and I started to be afraid that it was because I was a lesbian... how can I be a lesbian or bisexual if everything was born from this? I would like to run away from myself and my head. I would really like to go back and go back to my life before. I can't take it anymore. I just want to live my life like before
- Date posted
- 15w ago
my bf knows abt my googling and talking with chat bgt but does not know about this app, he is at my house and now im alone bc he is at the bathroom and he told me to not google and things but im confused idk what i feel i want to feel good and happy, i was good amd happy today, but now i have a lot of thoughts, my libido is low and i found it hard to kiss and do sexual things. Im scared i will br like this forever amd that i will never want to have sex (i am a virgin) , i will be 18 soon and i hate that i am like this. Im so scared i will never want to do this. i want to, but i always feel strange and my thoughts attack me making me feel so bad. i hate myself for posting here bc it is a compulsion and i feel like a liar, he loves me so much :(
- Date posted
- 13w ago
Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off
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