This is 40..

Does anyone else think about life so deeply all the time, i have always been a deep thinker since i was young and ive had ocd my whole life so that has made me think 10x deeper. I always think and worry how we are all here and nobody knows why and the fact that we all die also terrifies me and we dont know what happens after we do die. Im terrified of the people i love dying . but i also have suicide ocd, i dont want to hurt myself ever but i worry that if i become so depressed that i will or something like that and that turned into an ocd for me, i really dont want to ever hurt myself but feeling depressed scares me. For years now it has been an ocd thing for me about the people i love dying and i have to do mental complusions every single day , although it comes in phases where its worse than others. It has gotten worse because my dad just turned 50 and i turn 19 in 6 days, life is changing and everyone is getting older and its been making me depressed and anxious and theres nothing i can do about it because it is life. I just want to know if other people feel the same also. Its christmas eve and im just depressed and i dont know why.

Since I was a kid around 10/11 I’ve developed this extreme fear of aging, every birthday would send me in a spiral and my mind would be telling me “you’re getting older, no one will love you once you’re 30 or 40” “every single day you’re getting older” “you’ll only be young for so long” etc. It causes me extreme anxiety & due to my mental health I haven’t accomplished as much as other people my age. Does this count as OCD? How do I deal with this when it’s a FACT that I’m getting older every single year? I can’t avoid it.

I never realized this was OCD, but i constantly check my bp and i always have my fingers to my neck checking my pulse. I am terrified to die and Im scared to go to sleep at night because I feel like I won’t wake up. I also get really bad headache and feel like it’s a tumor. I feel like I’m going crazy