Concern about seeking therapy for OCD and fear of losing personal traits.

This is the first post I’ve made here, as I have just recently been told I have OCD. I started therapy when I was 15 for an eating disorder, and have been pretty much consistently going for the past 5 years. It is incredibly scary to me that it has gone undiagnosed this long, and it took a few horrible spiraling episodes and me admitting I had a fear of smelling bad for a therapist to tell me it might be OCD. I’m primarily concerned about having another undiagnosed mental illness, that I have done unforgivable damage to other people’s mental health, and the general fear of losing my sanity. If someone could share the benefits of accepting the OCD diagnosis and starting ERP even if it is petrifying, I would greatly appreciate that. Warm wishes and peace to all of you struggling right now:)

Hey, I'm brand new here. I've been in therapy before for OCD and anxiety however my therapist seemed to get upset with me and my roadblocks. He did not seem to understand "just right" subtype and kept asking me questions to which I had no answers for because it simply did not apply. It was also extremely difficult to do exposure therapy because my OCD is embedded in daily routine and tasks. Having someone dump dirt on my floor was not going to elicit a flare because the interaction had been planned that day. I was blamed for not wanting to get better. I need someone that understands that "my rules" for how I live my life are in place simply because I do not know how to live without them - without I feel out of control and chaos and my brain just gets stuck for reasons I dont even understand but it's extremely discomforting and debilitating. Theres very little fear-base (ie: Im afraid I dont have my 3 cups of coffee, I will fall asleep spontaneously or If I dont check the curtains 3 times, the sun will burn a hole in my floor and set my house on fire) and more so rooted in a "just right" feeling which has ties to moralistic, perfectionistic, and affects relationships. It's more I check the curtains because it just doesnt feel right - or how do I know they are positioned "just right" if I dont? I religiously use my turn signal even when turning in and out of my own driveway because that's RIGHT. Sometimes it's a law that dictates it or moral code and other times for more Neutral things I've set my own "laws" in order to navigate the "gray" areas that I do realize are not normal or needed. However if I do not follow them or am unable to (ie: it's time to vaccum and my vaccum breaks), I shut down/meltdown and intensely feel anxiety and discomfort that's nearly unexplainable. I know logically if my vaccum is broken I can clean my refrigerator out instead or move onto another task but OCD illicits such strong anxiety and discomfort that it send my brain into crash mode. I know it's ridiculous but I cannot move on until the vaccum is fixed and I can continue the ORDER of routine. If it takes along time for the vaccum to be repaired, I might feel as if I have to "start all over again" instead of picking up where I left off...which is again, time consuming loop that causes very little accomplishments and things that do not have to be re-cleaned again to be re-cleaned in the specific order of my routine. I do hang onto items longer than needed and have a fear - based lack of spending I've been trying to work through. I have plans to purge my closets soon of clothing I've hung onto for over 10 years, but it sometimes is to the point where it affects my self care (Ie: I refuse to buy myself underwear because I am afraid to spend money even though my underwear is holey and barely held together. I cannot "afford" to buy food because what if I need the money for a bill?") - this has been easier to identify and work through but I'm still recovering. I also obsess over the past concerning familial childhood relationships have an abandonment root for me. I repeat myself verbally and written word when upset or when communicating with people and they often get annoyed - I believe it's because I never felt understood, valued or heard and I want to make certain they understand me clearly. When everything else falls apart I dive into answers online, medical, self help, history and stories....I look up facts, cases, ect ect and because theres always facts to learn it helps quench the extreme need for "just so" answers. But I tend to get lost and lose track of time. BUT "just so" root type has been extremely difficult to treat and function with. I end up feeling like I'm failing, I hold guilt for not being able to take care of my family and things "normal" people can handle or accomplish. I'm frustrated with myself but I also know my family is frustrated with me. I get irritable and shut down and can accomplish anything when I get roadblocked...its like my brain cannot compute how to navigate without the exact order and routine. My inners feel like a 3 year old is temper tantruming uncontrollably inside of me and its extremely distressing. I want help. I just need to know I'm not alone and I'm in the right place with people who understand the subtypes and MY specific OCD. I cannot go through getting blamed again for not trying hard enough by a therapist when I am fighting with everything I am every day and I am exhausted. I'm here now because my quality of life has been greatly diminished amidst transitions in life right now and change in familial dynamic that's prevented my normal routine and sent me into chaos. It's going on 4 months and I thought I could navigate it with time, but it's not gotten any better and I need help to get my life back on track on way or another. Thank you for getting this far if you have. Advice, comments, thoughts welcome.

For most of my adult life I was told by professionals that I suffered from general anxiety disorder. But most recently after switching psychiatrists, I was diagnosed with OCD, which is the cause of my severe anxiety. And now everything makes sense. Some things I didn’t realize was actually my OCD: - Immense fear that i’ve forgotten something I do instinctively every day. Locking the door, flushing the toilet, turning off the heater, etc. I can not recall a time i have ever forgotten to do these things, but I have so much anxiety that something bad will happen because i’ve forgotten to do them that I will drive all the way back home or to work to check and make sure they’ve been done. It got so bad that I would drive to my office at 10 pm at night because i had the sudden realization in bed that i couldn’t remember if I locked the door. I now have to take a picture of the locked door every time i leave so I can reference it for later and assure myself its been done. - Obsessing over what people think of how i dress, act, talk, etc to the point that I can’t communicate properly because Im trying to think of the correct thing say or how the other person is perceiving me in that moment. It makes social situations exhausting and fills me with dread whenever i have to talk to any one new. I just want to be liked, to have friends, but because of this anxiety Ive found that being alone is the least stress inducing, so I usually don’t talk to people besides family if I don’t have to. - Goes with the above, but constant thoughts that if im not liked by others, i am horrible person. Its all or nothing, either everyone likes me or im worthless. It makes every interaction insanely stressful and i obsess over every word i said for hours after I get home. - Texting is a nightmare. Writing, re-writing, and RE-WRITING texts to make sure they sound okay. Then asking my fiance to read them himself to make sure they sound okay to an outside person before sending them. And then the immense fear after sending them that what I’ve said is going to be taken the wrong way and waiting on the edge of my seat to see if/how they’ll respond. And im not talking about serious conversations, this is just simple back and forth. - Sending long paragraphs with as many details as possible to try and avoid the above. When probably just an “okay” would’ve sufficed. - I work in marketing/graphics, and all my coworkers know I’m obsessed with symmetry and even spacing. Everything needs to feel balanced, or its completely wrong. I refuse to send out anything im not 100% happy with, and ill spend extra time adjusting spacing and sizing by less than a 5% difference over and over again until im satisfied. Ive had coworkers ask what i’ve changed because its so minuscule to them. But in my eyes anything that isn’t spaced evenly or lined up correctly is glaring and unacceptable. - Being consistently late to things because my compulsions and obsessions take my mind away from time management. Im just considered the person that can never arrive on time. Its a running joke in my family at this point, but it still makes me feel bad. My parents always instilled the need to be punctual so you’re not wasting other peoples time, but my brain can’t make it happen no matter how hard i try. These are just a few of the things that I’ve come to realize are attributed to OCD. I honestly thought for a while that this was just simple anxiety and that everyone felt this way, especially because my mother deals with similar issues. Has anyone else dealt with similar issues? Im on anti-anxiety medication currently, and it seems to help most days. I’m interested in learning more about others experiences and if any one has come up with coping mechanisms that help them work through their symptoms. p.s. apologies for the long post lol