Experiencing unfamiliar and overwhelming OCD symptoms; seeking advice?

@ElevenB This is very close. It just feels like I’m more apt to act on the thoughts because I don’t feel like myself right now 😔

@Someone99 It’s the worst! I just feel so out of it which just makes it all the scarier. I’m sorry you went through this, too. It really stinks.

@Catlove9 It's hard to believe that it's OCD at that point, but it is. Are you able to get ERP therapy? That has helped me tremendously

@Someone99 Yup! I’m in it and have been doing well. This has hit me out of nowhere.

@Catlove9 Good. It's amazing how OCD will find a different direction and sneak up on us. Keep trusting in the tools you're learning.

@Someone99 It’s so disheartening and frustrating.

@Catlove9 It can be. I'm glad you're here sharing, we're all here to support each other, and we all have bad days. When I first started therapy I'd be good for a while, then have some real bad days, but after hanging on, the godd days return a little better than before. It's not a linear process

@Someone99 Yah today is definitely a bad day. I feel sick to my stomach and it feels like today will be the day I act on my thoughts 😔. I haven’t had one of these in a while so I guess I should count my blessings. It just feels like I’m back to square one.

@Catlove9 Well I'm here to talk you through this day, if it'll help keep you out of your thoughts. Are you in danger in any way?

@Someone99 Nope. Just home! Just the false signals of OCD. but of course now I’m starting to wonder if I am because you asked 😂. Which has now morphed into me wondering if I am a danger LOL. typical ocd.

@Catlove9 Oh, sorry. 🤭 Lol. I like your honesty 😊. Have you learned helpful response tools in therapy?

@Someone99 Hahah it’s okay. I have learned so many and I definitely know what to do normally but today it just feels so different.

@Catlove9 Can I ask is it self harm you struggle with?

@Someone99 The OCD theme you mean?

@Catlove9 Yes

@Someone99 Sometimes that’s my theme. I generally have overall Harm as my theme. It started about 5 years ago out of nowhere. I was having a panic attack and then I had an intrusive thought like “you’re going to hurt someone” and it freaked me out. And over the years the intrusive thoughts have morphed to intrusive urges, feelings, images. It’s run the gamut. My compulsions are rumination and reassurance.

@Catlove9 I see. Ruminating is my main compulsion too. It's difficult

@Someone99 It’s so difficult. What are your themes?

@Catlove9 Real event, harm, so, religion seems to be the main, in that order too. lol

@Someone99 Ugh I’m sorry. Harm and false memory are the WORST for me.

@Catlove9 They all suck, don't they? How are you at the moment?

@Someone99 I’m doing a lot better than I was a few hours ago. I’ve been sitting with the anxiety and the thoughts instead of fighting them.

@Catlove9 Good. That's the answer

@Catlove9 Easier said than done sometimes

@Someone99 Yah. It’s definitely not an easy task when you’re literally freaking out on the I side

@Catlove9 Inside*

Yes!!! This is so true!!! I know exactly how you feel!! It's definitely something that will come day by day! It's been 3 months and I am just now starting to SOMEWHAT sit with the anxiety/dread but it's still very intimidating and I will get worried about my future, even though I know it's going to take time to recover! I also have to tell myself that I've been through this before and felt like giving up before and made it through so I know I can do it this time, as well! I am trying to use the Pink Elephant method as well! Thank you so much!! Same goes to you!!! ❤️❤️ Mine are very similar! My flare ups will usually last a few days to a couple of weeks maybe if I'm experiencing a flare up of anxiety but every 3-4 years, I will experience a relapse/episode that usually last several months and at one point, a year! It's so weird that it works in that timeline. Every 3-4 years, and they always come out of nowhere and when I'm usually feeling at my absolute best! The first time I dealt with the Gender Identity Theme, it lasted for a year on and off. Some months, it would be really severe. Other months, it would be a little quieter but still affecting my day to day life. But it took a little over a year for me to really come out of it and feel back to normal completely. This time around, it's going on 3 months that I've been having this!

@ElevenB Thank you. I have harm OCD and it just is really scaring me today because it’s feeling more real when I’m not feeling like myself.

@ElevenB You were super helpful! Thank you for taking the time.

@pureolife And you’ve felt like you’re basically just going to give into the thoughts because you don’t feel like yourself? That’s how I feel and I am just so terrified.

@Catlove9 Of course you’re terrified! It’s scary! Not feeling like you know yourself anymore is like going through a completely unnecessary identity crisis all thanks to ocd. Do erp therapy and slowly you will feel more like yourself again.

@pureolife Thank you ❤️. I was doing so well with my ERP and then this hit me today and it doesn’t feel like OCD so it just has me so perplexed. But I guess that’s a tactic OCD uses

@Catlove9 That makes a lot of sense actually. When we start treating ocd and it starts losing its hold on us, it has to come up with new tricks. It’s like a kid throwing a tantrum because it’s not getting what it wants anymore (your constant compulsions.) keep going! Treat this the same way you all of your other ocd symptoms. It’s just one more trick.

@pureolife Thank you! I am going to try. This one seems super hard but I think I can do it!

@ctc1999 It really sucks. It honestly feels like I’m going to snap at any moment.

@Catlove9 I don't know if this will comfort you at least a little bit or not, but one of the most important things to remember is that OCD can NEVER make you act upon anything that goes against your values, even if it feels like it's going to. If it didn't feel real, it would be OCD. But no matter how real those urges feel, your values and true self know that would never act upon them. That's why it scares you so much.

@ctc1999 *wouldn't be OCD omg! Stupid typo!

@ctc1999 I do try to remember this. But then I’ll have a split second of feeling better and then I get the “oh but this time is different. This time it isnt OCD.”

@Catlove9 Yep!!! You are not alone! I'm currently experiencing the same thing!! I am currently 3 months into a relapse with a theme I've dealt with before that lasted about a year on and off! I can definitely relate to it feeling different and OCD trying to trick you into thinking that it must be real because of how different it feels. That's one of the many tricks it loves pulling on us to keep up in the cycle.

@ctc1999 Yah. My theme right now is harm and it’s so terrifying. I love my boyfriend and it just feels like I’ll hurt him and it makes me sad and scared. If that makes sense.

@Catlove9 My theme right now is Gender Identity but I have struggled with Harm when I was younger so I completely understand where you're coming from!! It does make sense! OCD latches onto the things we value, love and/or care about the most and it creates these egodystonic thoughts, feelings, urges, commands, images, and even dreams to make us feel not only scared, but to crave certainty on things we absolutely do NOT want to do!

@ctc1999 Harm has been the worst so far. Well this and false memory ocd for me. I’m 36 and harm ocd snuck in around 5 years ago. I hate it. The urges and commands are the worst! I haven’t gone through gender identity yet but I’ve had some orientation ocd. I’m sorry you’re having to go through that.

@Catlove9 Yes!! I feel like sometimes, I'm able to push through the thoughts and images somewhat easily at times, but when it comes to urges or feelings... ugh, that's where it's the most sticky for me because it makes the obsession(s) feel that much more real! I'm 24 and about every 3-4 years, I will experience a major episode that will last for months at a time. I used to think I was just crazy until I started researching and understanding OCD a lot better. I never used to think I would go through that theme because I've always been secure and content with my gender identity and can't recall ever feeling like I was supposed to be anything other than a woman. My first encounter with this theme was when I was 16-17, right at the beginning of me junior year of high school. It lasted on and off for about a year or maybe a little more, and then it went away for 5 years up until late August of this year!

@ctc1999 Ugh. Yah. OCD always has a way of sneaking back in. It’s funny you say you never thought you’d have that theme. I felt that way about harm. I would read other people’s experiences and I’d think “oh I’ll never have that kind.” And then sure enough, it came at me. It was brutal. I’ve been doing so much better until today.

@Catlove9 Right?! This time around, it feels a lot more intense because it's latched onto more things. It's latched onto my sexual orientation, my relationships, my past, my hobbies, and has been altering my life for almost 3 months now. And it was so onset too like... just 3 months ago, I was completely normal and felt totally like myself and it's like one day I just... woke up feeling like a completely different person! If you don't mind me asking, what are some of your stickiest compulsions?

@ctc1999 The same happened to me. I was having a panic attack and then an intrusive thought of “you’re going to hurt someone” came in during the panic attack and that’s all it took. It latched on. I’d say the stickiest compulsion for me is rumination. And I feel it actually ends up making my anxiety worse and producing more thoughts. How about you?

@Catlove9 Yes!!!! I remember it was at a friend's birthday party and I just noticed myself comparing myself to my other female friends and something in my head went "just because I'm not as feminine as they are, it doesn't make me a man, right?" And it started off as just being a little bit worried about it and then eventually, it led to full on fear and distress and it soon became an obsession! Its so weird after feeling normal for so many years! Rumination, absolutely!! I also tend to struggle with checking/monitoring my feelings, mental review (especially my past), avoidance, repeating words/questions/phrases, and seeking reassurance from either myself or other people!

@ctc1999 Omg you hit the nail on the head with the compulsions. I usually don’t even realize I’m reviewing or monitoring but I am. Like this morning. I woke up and monitored if the thoughts from yesterday were still there. (And now of course they are).

@Catlove9 That is exactly what I'm doing!! I'm constantly checking to see if I'm still having the same thoughts and long and behold... They are right there and it feels like the same exact day on repeat! Do you ever get scared/unmotivated to do anything because of anticipatory anxiety/dread and knowing that you're going to be ruminating and feeling triggered??

@ctc1999 Omg yes! This just happened to me. My boyfriend wanted to go to breakfast and I just kept thinking of how anxious I was going to be. I forced myself to go and of course the thoughts came with me. But it does make me want to do nothing. Oh and another thing it does. If I go and do what I was going to do, I always feel like I’m lying to myself or just delaying the inevitable if that makes sense. Like they say to just do what you planned on doing but when I do that, I feel like a phony.

@Catlove9 Omg!!! Yes!!!! That is exactly what I experience!!! It almost feels like at times, I'm performing rather than genuinely enjoying myself! It feels awful and it gives you this really nasty sinking feeling inside and you try to reassure yourself that this is your mind playing tricks on you, but it feels so real!! Do your feelings and urges fluctuate throughout the day??

@ctc1999 Omg that’s exactly how it feels for me. Oh definitely. My feelings and urges definitely fluctuate. I can have a horrid moment of when it feels like I’m absolutely about to do something horrible and the next minute it’s gone. And then it happens all over again. It’s exhausting. And I’m so much better at letting the thoughts be there but the urges and feelings are so much harder.

@ctc1999 Also my theme switches throughout the day. I can have a harm ocd urge one moment. Then a false memory will creep in the next. And so on.

@Catlove9 Yes!!!! There will be a few minutes or so where I feel totally fine, and then after that, I will be going through that intense dread/sinking feeling that will last for a while! It's so up and down! It also happens a lot the morning before a new week at work where I am feeling really scared/dreadful because I don't know how I'm going to feel or am scared that I am pretending/lying about myself! I think that has happened to me too! I feel like my main theme is the same- Gender Identity. But it had definitely latched onto other things such as my sexual orientation, false memory, and relationship that kind of tie as... Secondary obsession(s), if that makes sense?? They don't take up most of my day as much as the Gender Identity Theme does, but I am definitely a lot more sensitive/easily triggered when it comes to those things now than I did before my relapse!

@ctc1999 I know EXACTLY what you mean, especially when it comes to a new work week. I do a really good job at work but I always feel like an imposter. Like I’m this horrible person that will be figured out some day. It gives me a lot of anxiety. Also because of the harm ocd, work is super triggering when I have to go in the office but I guess that’s good exposure practice.

@Catlove9 - That is so true!!! Imposter syndrome is the worst!! I get so scared that I am lying to my coworkers or faking who I am even though deep down, all I want to do is be my usual self again because I was much happier that way. It is very good exposure practice!! Since the office you go to for work might be a trigger for you, it might also help you to see which rituals/compulsions you can practice to resist when it comes to that exposure!! One for me that I am trying to do is to stop checking my feelings/bodily sensations when I look at my reflection just to "make sure" that I don't want to be a man nor look like one. In turn, I am also trying to stop AVOIDING looking in the mirror out of fear, you know?? Have you ever had dreams revolving around you obsession(s) before?

@ctc1999 Those are good tips! I definitely monitor my feelings and sensations all the time. I also avoid mirrors LOL. Omg my dreams can sometimes be the worst. I usually do have my themes infiltrate my dreams and then I wake up scared. I have learned dreams are just like any other thought so I do try and treat them that way. Even though it’s really hard.

@Catlove9 - RIGHT?! It's so damning how things that are supposed to feel completely normal to us when we aren't experiencing episodes/setbacks/relapses, etc, can become so triggering when are experiencing those things!! I never would've imagined that I would be afraid to look into the mirror because of the images/sensations my brain will give off lol! Yes!! I try to remind myself the same thing! I also remind myself that the only reason why I am experiencing those sorts of dreams is because that is all I am thinking about, NOT because they mean anything or that I should be afraid of them. What's so disappointing about it is before this episode, I LOVED dream studies/interpretations. But now I am scared of them. I don't know if I have already asked this or not but have you ever had intrusive thoughts/images/urges, etc set off or triggered by external stimuli like bright lights, loud noises, crowded areas, etc.?

Yes!!! I have also been trying to get better at reminding myself that when I wake up, I may or may not experience the same anxiety and that when it does come, it's okay for me to accept that it's there. I did it this morning and I actually got through it feeling pretty okay, even when my thoughts were going wild. I'm at work now and they are a lot more present and the feelings are a little stronger but I'm just letting them be there while continuing to do what I need to do!! Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! I'm the same way with my period, too!! I will feel more scared, more anxious, and the urges are a lot stronger because of the content of my obsessions but I just have to accept that they are there and just do my best carrying on with my day without attempting to push or avoid those thoughts/feelings/urges. The intensity in strength when it comes to those urges I can completely understand!! If you're okay with answering, how long do your episodes/relapses/flare upset typically last for??

Omg!! First of all, thank you so much for feeling comfortable enough to share this stuff with me! It is such a breath of fresh air to know people who totally get it! <3 Secondly, I am so proud of you! I know you have been going through it but you are so strong!! <3 I, too, have experienced those fears as a little girl and overall, having periods throughout my childhood where I would experience those visceral fears and they were all over the place and very sporadic. I remember for about 2 years when I was little, I was afraid of using public restrooms because I was convinced I was going to die on the toilet or something on or in the toilet was going to make me sick. I remember literally holding my business ALL DAY long, and eventually gave me a bladder infection because of the amount of times I would avidly avoid using the public restroom against my own bodily cues to go out of fear. If by chance, I DID have to go into a public restroom, somebody would have to be standing in front of the stall otherwise I thought I was going to die and would just cry. Idk what theme that would be... Maybe contamination? Health concern? A mixture? Around the same time, I developed obsessions revolving around being poisoned by drinking out of cans. That lasted for a few weeks but I remember either scrubbing the cans until it felt safe to drink or I would just refuse altogether. I have other experiences too but I don't want to overwhelm you too much so I will let you read these first and then I can tell you some more haha! XD

Yes!!! My mom and sisters used to think I was so dramatic for being afraid, too! I kept trying to tell them that I wasn't trying to be, I was just scared! 1.) Omg! I think this might be what they call Magical Thinking? Maybe? I don't want to sound too certain but I think this situation might fall into that theme because of what went through your mind at the time! 2.) I WORRY ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME!! I love ordering food for take out from time to time, but I always experience some level of panic and anxiety very similar to your thoughts! I also get worried of being harmed by the driver, being stolen from, or that the driver will hate me and would want to poison my food for no reason. Good for you for doing the exposure!!! :D :D Now when it comes to your episodes/flare ups/etc. Have you ever experienced a severity of symptoms at times where you felt you were at your best or at least, just in a really good place? I hope this questions makes sense because my brain knows where I am getting at, but my fingers are like "What? What are we typing?" XD

@ctc1999 Do you mean where I am in a really bad place and have a moment of clarity? Or do you mean where I go through a length of time without symptoms?

@Catlove9 The second one!!!!

@ctc1999 Oh yes! There are periods I’ve gone through where I felt great. But I haven’t had one recently LOL. I do have those momentary moments of clarity though when I’m struggling. Like a split second where I’m like “This is all so stupid.” I’ll feel good for a minute and then it comes right back.

@Catlove9 Yes!!!! Sorry for the confusion, I tried wording my question as best as possible but sometimes, I feel like my mouth automatically stumbles or trips up what my brain is trying to put out! 🤣🤣 I am the exact same way!! Well just before this relapse, I went 5 years without the Gender Identity Theme and 4 years without an OCD episode but I would still experience setbacks and generalized anxiety from time to time!!! With this relapse, I feel like it happened when I was just starting to feel comfortable with myself and I was on staycation as well!!! 😭😭 It was almost as if OCD KNEW the perfect time to strike! Yes!!! Same here!!! I'll have periods where I'm like "oh great, I'm actually doing really well" and I will get super giddy and excited and then within a few minutes, it's like SIKE!!! And it fluctuates depending on what I'm doing throughout the day!!! Do you experience an influx of symptoms when you are alone??

Mine too!!! I feel like mine can influx with or without people but like you said, when I'm alone, my mind is much louder because I'm not as distracted as I am when I'm around others!! What's sad is that I am someone who really values solitude and enjoys alone time ever so often but ever since this relapse happened, I can't do it so much anymore so hopefully soon enough, I am able to go back to doing that because I miss being able to relax and reset on my own!! Yes ma'am!!! All the time!! They happen more often at work because of the external stimuli and also I am more likely to experience the thoughts revolving around the fear of pretending or lying about who I am at work so the images, urges, and feelings become much stronger and more intense but they fizzle out really quickly as well and come in waves throughout the day! Do you experience those sorts of things as well??

I felt your anxiety all the way from here, I am right there with you! It's so damning how our brains can take a situation that is completely normal and make it feel so threatening and like our thoughts/feelings/urges are taking over! It's awful! Have your thoughts ever sounded like questions or statements? And have you ever had times where you experienced feelings/urges BEFORE the thoughts, or even when there was no present thought?

@ctc1999 Oh yes and yes and yes!!! Haha. Sometimes my thoughts have come in as commands like “hurt them.” Sometimes they come one like “this is inevitable. You are going to hurt them.” I also have 3 false memories that are always like “you definitely did this and you’re going to jail.” And the feelings/urges before thoughts? All the time. To me, that is the scariest because it comes out of nowhere and for no reason. I can be sitting there eating dinner and all of a sudden, I get an urge to stab the person next to me with a fork. It’s terrifying.

@Catlove9 - OMG YES!! Before finding out intrusive thoughts can present themselves more than just thoughts, I used to believe that the urges, feelings, and sensations meant that it had to be true because my body was feeling whatever I was obsessing and afraid of. There are still times where I catch myself doubting myself because of how intense and overwhelming those feelings can be. The questions and statements always throw me for a loop. For almost everyday over the past 3 months, I notice I have been asking the same question on repeat over and over again. "I'm not pretending to be a woman, right?" and then I always answer myself too which I am wondering if it's done as a compulsion of some sort because I am constantly seeking self-reassurance and trying to soothe myself so it's like??? Huh?? I am so glad I am not alone on the questions and statements part because I always get scared when the thoughts sound so... Demanding? Another one that really sits with me is when I talk to people, I feel like I am constantly being triggered by my own voice because I will get a surge of panic and have an image of being a man or my mind will go "Do you really like the sound of your voice? What if you didn't want to sound like that anymore? Are you faking?"

@ctc1999 I know what you mean. I’ve also been getting “you don’t want to recover” and “this isn’t ocd. This is who you really are.” They hit me from all angles LOL! And as an example, I went to my friend’s house to knit. My harm ocd was so bad while there but I stayed anyway. But as soon as I got home, that went away and my false memories came back and convinced me again that I did them. But I also get triggered when I talk to people. It’s still the same “you’re just fooling people. You’re really a monster.” Or “you don’t even want to be talking to them right now.” Just awful stuff. Oh and when I’m not feeling well or have a headache, ocd is amplified 100%. Everything becomes more real feeling.

@Catlove9 - OMG! The "This isn't OCD. This is who you really are." Really hits home for me, too! I get that sort of thought and question myself at least once or 100 times a day HAHA! XD And they always come and go throughout the day! The more I ruminate, the stronger the doubts settles in. The more I go about my day, the more that the doubt comes into waves where it may be strong at some points of the day and a little weaker at other parts of the day! I always think to myself that it's like riding a rollercoaster that doesn't stop. I am really glad that you were able to stay at your friend's house to spend time time with them despite the intrusive thoughts getting really loud! :D FALSE MEMORIES!! Those are the worst! In the beginning of the episode, I used to be able to rely on my past to reassure myself that I have always been who I am and that for certain, I never wanted to be anything differently. Unfortunately, my brain latched onto that as well and now it's too scary for me to review my past because I am constantly triggered and thinking "Well, what if I did and I am lying?", "What if I did feel uncomfortable?", "What if I did question and only forgot about it until now?" YESSS!!! If I am having a headache, a bad day, confrontation, on my period, feeling sick, basically at any time I am feeling out of sorts, especially during this relapse.. My anxiety goes from 100 to 1,000,000,000! Have you ever had where you *almost* wish that you were dealing with a different theme because the one you're going through feels so overwhelming and distressing, even though you know logically that no theme would WANT to be experienced?

YES!!! I feel like rumination is the instigator of other compulsions for me such as mental review, checking/monitoring my feelings and bodily sensations. and seeking reassurance! Sometimes, it feels like there is a blend of those compulsions, if that makes sense? Like, it feels like you're doing one compulsion after another, after another, sort of like a rapid fire of rituals! Have you experienced that as well? I am right there with you!! It makes me feel guilty a lot of the times but I am definitely trying to remind myself to not punish myself for it! Throughout this relapse, I will admit that there were times where I wish I could go back to other themes I have gone through previously so I could get my sense of identity back. But at the same time, knowing how I felt experiencing let's say... the Emetophobia obsessions when I was 16, I know I wouldn't want to go back to being afraid to leave my house either. 1000000000% OMG!! It's such an uncomfortable feeling too because each day, it feels like you're hoping for all of this to just go away but at the same time, you're fearful that because they have been sticking by for a while, that it means something. It's so confusing and frustrating! It feels like accepting that this is how it's going to be for a while, but at the same time, i'm still somewhat fighting these thoughts and trying to get back to normal as quickly as possible, you know? Do you experience some sort of grief or nostalgia whenever you think back to who you used to be before the episode(s)?

That's how I get, too!! I will look at pictures of myself or think back to who I was before this relapse and it makes me sad because the things that never crossed my mind before, those are all the things I'm scared of now. I am really hoping I can get back to being that girl again soon enough! I hear you! I know it's really hard, but try your best to not push away the thoughts or urges and to respond with neutral reactions, even though it's probably going to feel really scary right now. Remember, OCD can NOT make you act against your values. Even if it tries to convince you that it will. I completely understand how you feel though and when it comes to those urges or feelings, it's really scary and makes it feel so much more intense! I would try to tell yourself "huh, good one, but I'm going to focus on ____ instead." And do whatever you can to keep yourself busy so hopefully your brain will take it as you're not perceiving your thoughts too much but you're not pushing them away either and send fewer alarms to you. I feel like my urges and thoughts tend to get stronger at work, too at times!!!! I think I have mentioned this before but I especially get triggered when there's onset external stimuli that either surprises me or is overwhelming and it makes the thoughts, images, and urges a lot stronger and more rapid! I work at a restaurant too so having a fast paced job while experiencing an OCD relapse can be very both good to keep my mind off of mental compulsions but also very triggering and intimidating! If you don't mind me asking, does the pace of your job (fast or slow) ever take effect on your symptoms as well?? I hope this question makes sense! 😭 Omg yessssss!!! Like logically, yes, I know what my values are but when I am triggered, it feels very confusing and I, in a way, feel like there is a mental line blurred between what my values are and what they aren't. It's almost as if sometimes, I am lost on what I really want or just experience a lot of doubt within myself. I can pull out of that pretty quickly but my brain will still dip itself in and out of that puddle throughout the day! Ruminating is the trickiest for me! Especially when it follows a FEELING or URGE??? Yeahhhhhhhh it definitely feels instinctual for me to sit there and ask myself so many questions and think about what is going on with me. It just knows how to get our attention and stick with it for so long, you know?? I wish we were able to safely give our brains baths so we can just wash away the obsessions, or even OCD in general, and never have to worry about it again!! Oh, how easy life would be if it were really that easy haha!!! Omg I appreciate it! Thank you! 😭💕 I actually didn't even know OCD could look like what I'm experiencing until about a month and a half into this episode because of how severe and real it really felt!! I have a friend who has OCD and he mentioned that it sounded like I was possibly going through a relapse or a nervous breakdown. I remember being like "Nope. OCD could never look like this. Maybe my life is a lie and I'm changing." And he was like "Yup, sounds like OCD to me." And when I started researching it and coming across this app, that's when I realized that there WERE people who were experiencing very similar, if not the same as me, same theme or not. It was very shocking but I started to make sense of it really quickly and of course, I still have doubts here and there but that's why they call it the "doubting disease", right?? 😭

@ctc1999 Looking at pictures or recalling good times is so hard for me. False memory really makes this difficult because the things I’m worried I did, are absolutely horrendous. So when I look at pictures or think back, it’s always “oh. This was before that one night.” And then this causes more anxiety and then I regret drinking (even though a lot of awesome memories came when I was drinking). I always think “if I had just not blacked out, I wouldn’t be suffering so much.” But that’s probably not true because as I’ve seen, OCD latches onto other stuff anyway. I do try to not push the thoughts/urges away. You’re right. It’s terrifying! And I think the mistake I make is I do well for a minute but then OCD throws more intense stuff at me and traps me again. It’s almost like I don’t stay with the fear long enough if that makes sense. Definitely. I work in an office and sometimes when it’s slow, I get worse. When I have meetings all day, I’m distracted more. But the days I’m in the office, the harm ocd is worse because I’m around people. But I can’t lose my job so I force myself to go. But I would think by now I’d feel better. But I feel like I’m doing something wrong in treatment. It’s almost like I’m white-knuckling. I like the thought of giving my brain a bath! That would be awesome. I had a similar experience. I’ve always known I had OCD, but I didn’t realize how bad it could be until I first got harm OCD and then even now. I never knew how absolutely real it feels. It feels like I’m not myself. Some days it feels like I’m not even inside my body. I also feel like a zombie sometimes. Some days it feels like this will never get better and I’ll be stuck forever. I of course constantly doubt whether this is OCD or not. To be honest, it’s hard to believe sometimes that all of this is just in our head. I have a hard time trusting that and I know I need to. But then I’ll get a little confident and my OCD will go “well it works for everyone else but won’t work for you. You’re the exception. The person who really is a monster.”

@Catlove9 - It's definitely one of the saddest things about this disorder, in my opinion- That and the feeling of not knowing whether or not you will feel like the person you were before the episode again! Logically, I know that going through things like this before with different obsessions... I managed to bounce back eventually, but in the midst of struggling, the possibility of being who I was before seems so far-fetched! I am trying really hard not to think that way and to try and go for who I was before anyway but it's definitely hard to NOT think about, you know? And YESSS!! I hate when that happens! It's like OCD wants you to feel guilty for not making a certain decision but you know that no matter what, you probably would've felt the anxiety regardless! It's like "What do you want from me OCD?! UGH!" That's how I get too! As far as drinking goes, I have definitely been straying away from it A LOT since this episode started because when I drink, I am in my head a lot more than when I am sober, so the last time I drank when the episode was first starting out and it was severe, I ruminated probably 20 times more than usual and my anxiety became so strong that my chest started hurting and I felt like I was going to go crazy. I don't drink very often anyways but I have definitely been avoiding it because I don't want to feel that ever again! Yes!! You are making perfect sense!! I do the same thing! I always initially go "Okay, I can sit with this. It's all good." But after a few seconds, I feel that urge to "fight" my thoughts again and then I started having those thoughts like "What if it's coming true?" "What if I am lying and it's not really OCD?" "What if I am just saying it's OCD and it's all pretend?" and another round of anxiety hits! I also have this really bad habit of using the "Maybe, maybe not" method as a form of reassurance vs genuinely accepting the uncertainty. White-knuckling is so true omg!! I feel like I do the same thing! I think the main reason is because of the content of my theme! Struggling with the Gender Identity theme, I have no idea how to really implement exposures or ritual preventions! I also am trying to overcome the doubts surrounding my situation so I think that might be holding me back as well. Today was actually a pretty good day, I only experienced intrusive feelings and urges a tiny bit but overcame them pretty quickly! I have a staycation coming up and I am going to be alone for 4 days and I am so scared that I am going to struggle but maybe that could be a form of exposure??? Yes! I have had anxiety pretty much my whole life, but never once thought it was OCD and that was for two reasons- One, I was heavily misinformed, and two... I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety and Panic Disorders when I was 15 so I always just assumed it was generalized anxiety and nothing else. It wasn't until the start of this episode when all the dots started connecting and I began to realize that maybe it wasn't Generalized Anxiety after all.. The light bulbs started going off in my head the more I thought about my experiences and why talk therapy made me feel worse and like I was taking 20 steps back vs forwards. The constant doubt is SO TRUE!!! I will get little spurts of confidence and my brain will go "Nope! Don't get too confident. This might not be what you think it is after all." And then I get scared again! Do you ever experience replays of triggers that you have seen, heard in your head, if that makes sense??

I am so glad I am not alone on that omg! I am guilty of using those statement to reassure myself vs genuinely accepting the uncertainty and thoughts. Initially, I will think that I am actually sitting with the discomfort but NOPE.... Within a few seconds to a minute, maybe..... I am right back to being scared again and I get a little bit frustrated with myself for doing it compulsively so I am hoping to be able to get it down sooner than later haha! Right!! Like, I always see things like "Yes, you can tolerate anxiety.", "Anxiety won't last forever.". "Yes, you can handle the hard stuff." from different pages and even though, yes, those things are true, I still very much struggle with trying to get a grasp on that without the doubt, you know?? I am so sorry!! I don't want to sound cheesy or anything but you are definitely NOT alone on that! Different theme, but same origin! I, too, have been ruminating a lot on how this all started and what triggered it! I remember my anxiety acting up for a couple of weeks before the relapse. I was constantly obsessing over whether or not everyone was mad at me, comparing myself to other people in all areas of life, whether or not I was behind in life, disordered eating, just overall feeling really overwhelmed and like my brain just couldn't stop overanalyzing and I felt like I was going crazy. In late August, I remember comparing myself to my other female friends at a birthday party and I just noticed I couldn't let it go and kept analyzing my feelings and long and behold, the very next day was the beginning of the relapse! I wonder if maybe the constant stress and anxiety may have already been an OCD episode flaring up and then latched onto a previous fear and relapsed? I have so many questions ahh! XD I think I may have dealt with flare-ups revolving around Harm but I don't recall going through a major episode *yet*. Harm is one of the scariest themes to me, in my opinion! I feel horrible that you are struggling with that. :( Yes!! I am going to do what I love while relaxing, regardless of what my mind might tell me! <3 YESSS!! My mind will replay anything from things that I have heard and seen in person, to videos, quotes, statements, and comments people have made on social media to tv shows to movies and they can either show up as an inner voice in my head reminding me of them or like my brain is a movie theater and I am seeing the same thing replaying on the screen- A visual replay. Do you experience that too? OOOOH YEAH! I do it all the time!! Someone could literally have the exact same thoughts/urges/feelings, etc as I do and I will still be like "Yup, they have OCD. But it must be real for me." It's like no amount of community on that is good enough for my brain, which I know is another one of OCD's stickiest tricks. It will always try to make someone feel like THEY are the exception and that everyone else's is OCD. I also compare my compulsions to other people's and think to myself "Well, mine doesn't look like that. Do I have this all wrong? Am I lying? Am I pretending?" It's like for a moment, I feel relief that other people relate to my experiences, but after a minute, I feel doubtful and am like "But what if isn't? Is this real?", you know??

@ctc1999 Omg! When I had my first harm episode, I was going through MAJOR stress. That coupled with the blacked out night I think probably pushed me over the edge. It’s really crazy how stress can impact OCD. Harm really does suck but honestly they all do. Anything that goes against who you want to be as a person is terrifying. Because it’s basically making you feel like you don’t even know yourself. Like you’re just a shell walking around. And that is very scary for me. Omg same about the reviewing triggers. I remember this one scene in a show that triggered me so bad. I still recall it. I do think it’s a form of us checking. I definitely experience the visual replay. I also experience the feelings replaying. Like it’s sometimes almost as if I am going through it all over again, if that makes sense. I question all the time if my OCD is real or not, ESPECIALLY when it starts to hit me differently. Like any time a new thing pops up, I always say “well this doesn’t feel like OCD.” Right now what I am experiencing is horrible because I feel like I’m in a daze. I just feel like I’m this inherently bad person and it honestly feels like I’m not in my body right now. I wish I could explain it because it’s scary. It makes everything feel more real and makes it feel like I’m having a breakdown or I really am turning into what I fear. God I wish I could put into words the feelings of just feeling like a zombie. But it’s hard. Like I’m functioning (barely) but it doesn’t feel like me. Idk.

@Catlove9 I 100% agree!! I wish OCD wouldn't exist in the first place!! That would be the perfect best case scenario!! 🤣 I really hate how OCD makes us feel that way!! I hate not knowing who I am because of all the doubts, uncertainty and fear! I used to be so confident in my identity and now it's just flat out scary to think about because I'm left doubting myself even though deep down, who I was before is still there! What's also crazy is that the theme of my obsession had NOTHING to do with the stresses going on in my life.... It was moreso like an addition TO what I was going through! It's so strange and it happened out of nowhere! Yes!!! A million times!!! I believe so, too!! I also do a lot of intentional mental storage of information to reassure myself with which is usually done through googling, asking people the same questions repeatedly, mentally reviewing past memories and interactions as some sort of proof or evidence to "fight" against my thoughts whenever I feel triggered by something. Unfortunately though, triggers tend to be a lot stickier for me so even when I use mental storage in order to reassure myself of what I "know", it only works for a few seconds and I have to do it repeatedly in order to feel okay. It does not help at all, not surprisingly! Have you ever had triggers that revolved around words at all? Like words that you feel you have to avoid otherwise you are "speaking" it into existence or afraid that you'll change suddenly after hearing or seeing the word(s)? I completely understand what you mean!!! You explained it perfectly! You feel as if your mind and body are in two separate places! That is exactly what I have experienced too! It makes it feel nearly impossible for you to stay present and like your mind is in a totally different dimension that you can't get out of! You can ease out of it a little bit but once you start to feel a bit too comfortable, then OCD makes sure to send that panic through your spine and go "yeah, right... you really thought you were going to get over it just like that??? Pfffft. Please." It sucks! Not to mention the fact that OCD feels so powerful and intense that it can make you doubt that it's even there is even scarier to me! I always try to remind myself (not that it always works but it definitely gives me some peace) is that if it didn't feel real, then it wouldn't be OCD. With this staycation, I am definitely going to do my absolute best to relax, even though I am scared!!

No worries at all! :D :D YES!! And when I talk to people about the theme that I am struggling with, I tend to avoid the words Trans or Transgender OCD and instead use Gender Identity (which can still be a bit intimidating) because I am afraid that if I say or type those words, then I am manifesting my fear or that I am going to want it to happen and so I have been trying to get better at using those words without feeling so triggered or being convinced that it's happening to me because I say those things, you know? It's definitely an exposure that I am pushing myself to go through anyways because for 5 years, I felt totally okay with hearing, seeing, or typing those words because it didn't feel triggering to me and I didn't feel the need to be afraid of them. I know it probably sounds ridiculous typing this out but I am really glad I am not alone with being triggered by certain words! I hope to get out of that really soon. Another thing that I have been doing is fixating on my gender whenever I watch tv shows, movies, listen to music, etc and I never used to do that before. And if there was a moment where I wasn't fixated on my gender, then it meant that I was no longer a woman. It's kind of hard to explain but basically, it feels like I am constantly concentrating on making sure that I still want to be a woman. I don't know if that would be considered rumination, mental review, monitoring, or maybe all 3?! D: AHHH!! Oh no, I have done that too! I have had those thoughts where I *almost* want something to happen to me so I can seize the obsessions/episodes and can feel total "relief" from whatever I am obsessing about and onto other things! Like you said, it's not that we TRULY want those things to happen, we are just exhausted and we want our minds to feel at ease instead of acting as a hamster wheel! I am really glad that the results came back with good news!! <3 <3 Have you ever experienced a need to save/bookmark a bunch of posts regarding OCD just in case you needed to go back make sure you were experiencing OCD?

You know, I have thought about doing that before! I think that was one of the things that I did the first time I dealt with this theme! Thank you so much for the suggestion!! <3 I am definitely going to start doing this, especially since I am alone on staycation for a few days so this will give me plenty of time to really sit with it as a head start! How often do you usually do that specific exposure for? Okay, I figured it was but I wasn't too sure if it was it's own compulsion or if it was playing piggyback on the reassurance-seeking compulsion but maybe it could be both as well? OMG I WONDER THAT, TOO! Like don't get me wrong, it does feel good to know that I am not alone on my experiences and I have noticed some improvements since finding out about this app! But I can also say that I will be very quick to use it as a way to reassure myself that my fears aren't coming true and that I am not the exception, even though in turn, that only makes things worse. Have you ever compulsively googled things revolving around your fear? Or even went out of your way to avoid googling something out of fear?

YES!! Same here!! A huge trigger for me for googling is Reddit OMG. I remember making the fatal mistake about... 3 weeks into this episode trying to do a deep dive search to make sure that I wasn't completely alone on it and well.... I found some people who faced similar experiences.. But I also saw a lot of things on there that left me feeling a million times worse and constantly replay in my head to this day! Oh god, false memory google searches are something else! I am right there with you! I usually do this by repeating certain words, phrases, questions, and even triggers to see if they make me feel a certain way and if they don't do exactly as planned, I freak out and start over until I feel okay with my feelings/sensations. This is going to sound pretty specific but have you ever felt triggered/panicky by anybody on a show, movie, real life, or even on social media say things about "Being honest with yourself", or "Admit things to yourself", or "Not knowing who you are", if that makes sense? Btw, thank you so much for this conversation with me!! You are absolutely wonderful and so much fun to talk to! <3

EXACTLY!! Quora is another one I have to tell myself to stray from as well! It can be a really great site when I am NOT struggling and when I am asking questions about my interests and all but definitely NOT for my symptoms. NOPE. Whenever I feel the urge to google, I have to remind myself that the internet is not my doctor and if I am deep dive searching for an answer, then it's best for me to not to do it at all. Yes! Yes! A million times, yes!! You can hear your brain going "see... that's you, right?? Isn't this message for you?" And it makes you feel that sense of panic REAL QUICK. Yayyyyy!! I am so glad, too!! <3 It is so refreshing to talk with someone who knows! It definitely helps me understand that I am not crazy or as isolated as I feel at times! OMG! I am so sorry for yours and his loss! :( Losing a fur baby is really hard! Oh god, I hate that!! OCD really knows how to make us feel doubtful of our own feelings, even when we are GENUINELY feeling them. It makes us feel like we aren't allowed to be safe with our feelings because it means that we are either lying or that we are accepting our thoughts as true when we are upset. Did that thought ebb and flow for you throughout the night?

@ctc1999 Sorry! It’s been rough over here. Yes. Rhose feelings ebbed and flowed all night on Friday. I’ve been doing a little better but have you ever had this. Where you just feel like your anxiety is so high and you’re going to have a freakout for no reason?

@Catlove9 No worries at all!! I'm glad to hear you are doing a little better!! A little bit is better than feeling the same or worse! ❤️ Oh yes!!! I felt it last night!! I was listening to music and just like it has been for past couple of months, I started experiencing intrusive images AND feelings. I was really trying to enjoy the music, despite what was happening but I remember feeling my anxiety become so high that I felt defeated and like I was never going to be able to enjoy it again. I was frustrated and overwhelmed but after a few minutes, I started to calm down but the thoughts ebbed and flowed throughout the night and today. Do you get that way with your hobbies/interests/things that you normally enjoy?

@ctc1999 Yup. All the time. OCD tends to destroy everything. I have 5 cats of my own and sometimes the OCD says I don’t even love them or I want to hurt them. They are my whole world. It’s so upsetting. I also really love playing piano but sometimes it’s hard to go play because I’m always worried I’ll get horrible thoughts. It destroys everything. I’m really trying to just treat any thought or feeling that I don’t really like and gives me anxiety or disgust as OCD. But it’s really hard.

@Catlove9 Awww, I have 6 cats!! Cat lovers unite!! And same here!!! Everything that I love has become distorted or a trigger now due to this theme. Make up, reading, listening to music, hanging out with friends, genuinely enjoying videos, shows, movies, womanhood/femininty, those things are things that I love so much but this episode has no longer allowed me to truly enjoy these things as much due to me becoming afraid of those things or seeing those things as triggers for more thoughts, feelings, images, and urges. I'm slowly trying to get back into enjoying them and letting the anxiety and doubt ebb and flow but it's extremely frustrating and I get defeated really easily. This morning, I had a realization of some sort that I was probably already experiencing an episode before it switched themes! Relationship OCD, specifically. Has yours done that before, as well?

@ctc1999 Oh most definitely. I JUST experienced it like 5 minutes ago. I was worried about a false memory and then it was like my brain started making me have harm thoughts and boom. Switched right back to harm and now I’m freaking about that. I too am really trying to just let them ebb and flow but it’s really hard. Especially because as I get better at it, I feel like the OCD comes in differently. Does that make sense? It’s like it continues to morph the way it comes at me and ups the ante. It brings different feelings with the thoughts. Do you know what I mean?

@Catlove9 Yesssss!!! Yes!!! You are making perfect sense!! It does the exact same thing for me, too!! I will be getting better at sitting or allowing one thought or feeling to be there and then within the next few seconds, boom... It morphs and either comes up with a new question or it will throw in a trigger replay and make me experience heavier thoughts and/or feelings. Along with this, does your episode involve one MAIN obsession theme and then branch out to others as like... sub or secondary obsessions, if that makes sense? Like for me, my main fear/obsession is Gender Identity. But because of that, it has also branched out to SOOCD, Relationship, False Memory, and I think even Meta.. Those came in AFTER the fact that I was already dealing with the Gender Identity Theme. Do you experience that as well?

Yesssss!!!! I remember being able to use my past, memories, sexual orientation, encounters, etc "confidently" to fight against the thoughts revolving around this theme but ever since it latched onto those things, now I go through secondary obsessions around the main theme! If you don't mind me asking, how long has your episode been going on for?

@ctc1999 I would say this one is a solid 2 months. But the harm has been on and off for around 5 years. It’s almost like a light switch turned and my whole life went upside down. And what’s really sucked, is its complete changed the way I view myself. Like I’ve seriously believed I’ve done all these horrible things or I will do these horrible things. It’s made me have 0 confidence in who I am.

@Catlove9 Yes!!!! It is a constant thing!! I completely understand where you're coming from with that! I remember having 100% confidence in who I was but now, I am scared that I don't know who I am. But I am definitely hoping to get back to that sooner than later. I am so sorry you are experiencing that! With time, I know we are going to come out of this and be okay!

@ctc1999 I agree! I just hate waking up to the intrusive feelings and urges and thoughts. It’s like they are just waiting for me to wake up and torment me

@Catlove9 Yep!!!!! That's how it is for me, too!!! I will go to sleep and wake up and just for a moment, I think I am free and I feel relief. But it only lasts for a minute before the thoughts, urges, and feelings come right in and start reminding me of what I'm afraid of again! Do you experience any sinking feelings or feelings of dread at all either following or before the thoughts kick in?

@ctc1999 Omg yes! All the time! And it even comes when I don’t have a thought so then I feel like I ruminate which then brings on thoughts. Is that how it is for you?

@Catlove9 Omg YES!!! That's literally me!! I do that literally every time!! Like, I will feel panicky or dread or a sinking feeling in my stomach and once I think about it, then that's when the thoughts, doubts, urges, etc start kicking in and I'm like???????? What???? I also get these sensations when I compare myself to other people's experiences because I'm constantly checking to make sure that what I'm going through is OCD, which I know doesn't help at all but just for a moment, it gives me some relief!

@ctc1999 Omg me too! I compare my recovery to others as well and it’s not good. Because I start questioning why it’s taking me so long where it seems like it doesn’t take others as long.

@Catlove9 YESS!!! I will do the same thing!! Also, I always feel a little bit hopeless and/or defeated when someone tells me to just do what makes me happy and it's like... That's true and I do want to get back to doing those things again but at the same time... It makes me feel like maybe I don't know what makes me happy anymore or what if I'm just lying to myself?

@ctc1999 Yup! The worst is when I’m doing something I love but the intrusive thoughts are there and it feels like I’m not even enjoying myself and then it feels like I’m lying to myself. For example. If I’m having harm thoughts but playing my piano, the OCD goes “you’d rather be going and hurting people.”

@Catlove9 Yes!!!! I will be reading, listening to music, doing self care, etc and my mind will flash images of me as a man or male pronouns or my thoughts will be like "What if you're pretending?" "You don't look as feminine as her so that must mean you're a man." "What if you're lying and won't stay a woman?" And it's just so discouraging because it's like... All I want to do is be me and go back to not feeling like this anymore!

@ctc1999 It really sucks. And then I also think about this. If I don’t want these things, why do I keep thinking about them? Why do the thoughts keep coming?

@Catlove9 Yes!!! Right?! Do you often have the same exact thoughts playing on repeat as well??

@ctc1999 Omg yes. Im dealing with it now. Right now I have an intrusive command on repeat.

@Catlove9 Yes!!! That's what happening with me with emotions and images! I'm handling it okay right now because I've got distractions but I'm so worried about going back to work tomorrow and feeling triggered again!

@ctc1999 I know the feeling. I’m at work and freaking out currently.

@Catlove9 Do you have anything that could possibly aid as a.. distraction or just something that can make you feel somewhat comfortable? It could be a book, a journal, maybe some music, anything of the sort?

@ctc1999 Unfortunately no. I’m on video calls all day. I work for a bank and I’m always super busy. But it just feels like I’m going to go around punching people 😂

@Catlove9 Keeping busy might help some, too!! OCD tends to sometimes come on stronger when I'm busy too because it sees that I'm not sitting down and engaging with it as much so it intensifies things so I can give it attention!! That might be what is happening for you as well!!

@ctc1999 Omg yes! When I don’t pay attention to it, it’s like it screams louder!

@Catlove9 Yep!!! Or it will give you a few minutes of false hope where it will make you think that it's gone and then out of nowhere, you will be triggered AGAIN!!

@ctc1999 Exactly!!! That’s how it works. So I think I’m going to take a break from the app. It’s been a huge compulsion for me 😔

@Catlove9 Yes ma'am!!! I am on the same boat as you so I completely understand!! I am constantly scrolling to make sure I am not the exception and at times, its just not helpful! I appreciate you talking with me and I really enjoyed this conversation so much!!! You're wonderful! ❤️

@ctc1999 Me too! You’re wonderful too! I think my tipping point today was when I saw a post about the pilot who pulled the emergency code. It really has me triggered. Did you see that?

@Catlove9 Thank youuuu!!! 💕💕💕 I actually just had to Google that and omg!!! That's really scary!! I can't imagine how that made you feel seeing that knowing that you are struggling with the theme that you are!

@ctc1999 It now has me so worried that my feeling of being outside my body is more than just OCD.

@Catlove9 OCD is going to do what it can to make it feel as real as possible. Believe me, I get scared of my bodily sensations too to my thoughts and I hate getting scared because I feel like I am making them stronger but it's another trap!

@ctc1999 It’s super scary now because the anxiety has decreased and now I’m just getting everything else still. So it just feels like I’m this awful person.

@Catlove9 With the decrease of anxiety, do you feel numbness or emotional exhaustion?? That's what happens with me at times after I get frustrated with the thoughts, feelings, and urges!

@ctc1999 Yes. I am absolutely exhausted. My chest feels like an elephant is sitting on it. And I feel so numb. I feel very blah.

@Catlove9 Omg yes! I'm back at work right now and i feel kinda okay but the same thoughts and anxiety are flaring up again!!! It's like my brain knows I am afraid of being triggered and triggers me anyways!!

@ctc1999 Same. And there’s this one false memory that’s really bothering me and making me feel like an awful person.

@Catlove9 Oh goodness, I am so sorry!!! False memories are horrible and I completely relate to how you feel! I won't pry into you or anything but I am all ears!!

@ctc1999 I will preface this by saying I don’t drink anymore. But 5 months ago I did drink and I drank a little too much. I remember most of the night. But just went to dinner with my boyfriend at the time, his teenage daughter, and my friend. Like I said, I remember most of the night except one part. Apparently I went to the bathroom with his daughter and I don’t remember it AT ALL. of course because I don’t remember, I’m so worried I did something inappropriate. I asked everyone the next day if I did, and everyone said no. The daughter continued to always hang around me and also told me I didn’t do anything bad. But it still feels like I did something. It makes me sick to think about.

@Catlove9 False memories are the absolute worst! OCD really knows how to make you feel like things may have happened when more likely than not, they didn't in the first place. It latched onto the fact that you didn't remember a certain situation and it went with whatever it could to create doubt and fear for you. Because of that, it is trying to convince you that you have done something horrible, even though you have been reassured that things did not go that way at all. OCD knows you are disgusted and afraid of the thought of that ever happening and it's latching onto those feelings!

@ctc1999 How do I get through this? I’m always worried “what if something did happen and then she comes forward with it and I end up In jail.” I also wouldn’t want to ruin anyone’s life.

@Catlove9 I am on the same boat as you with my theme! I am constantly trying to figure out how to get through this because it feels so everlasting but something I would tell you to try and do is when that thought comes back into your mind, try responding with things like "That is intrusive.", "Hi, OCD. I know what you're trying to do here.", "You're being very creative today, OCD. I am going to keep doing what I need to do, whether you want to stay or not.", things like that so that you're not trying fight or push away the thoughts but at the same time, you're delaying the need to do compulsions.

@ctc1999 You are the best. This is really good advice. I need to try this. I think if I can start delaying, I’ll be doing half the battle.

@Catlove9 - Yayyyy!!! Thank you so much! Trust me, I am really trying myself and a lot of the times, it's much easier said than done but hopefully it works haha! :D I am especially hoping that christmas treats me well and I am not triggered or anything!

@ctc1999 I really hope you have a great time off!

@Catlove9 Thank you so much! You as well!! I think the hardest part for me would be fear of not genuinely enjoying the day because of the increase of thoughts, urges, dread, anxiety, etc. I am so afraid of pretending or lying!

@ctc1999 I know. Try to think that no matter what comes into your brain or body, you will just keep pressing on. Make a pact to yourself.

@Catlove9 For sure! I will do that!!! I just want to feel normal again, this has been a very annoying and frustrating 3 months! But I know getting frustrated doesn't help at all!

@ctc1999 Do you sometimes just feel defeated? Almost like you’ve given up even though you actually haven’t but it feels like you have and you just feel like this is who you are now?

@Catlove9 Oh yeah!!!! 1,000%!!! It is so tiring because it's like.... i just want to go back to normal and not be so worried all the time but at the same time, I feel so exhausted and almost like I am giving up on trying!!!

@ctc1999 Yes! And then I get the intrusive thought “what if the only way to get through this is just become what I fear?” And then the anxiety starts amping up

@Catlove9 Yesssss!!!! I do this, too!!! Especially when it comes to images OMGGG!! Also, something that is stressing me out a bit is the "Real self" sort of thing where people go "you know your true self" and it's like, at first, yes, I do. But then after a few seconds. I go "no? What if I don't?". It's almost as if maybe I don't really know who my true self is right now because of all the obsessions doubt.

@ctc1999 Omg omg omg!!! Same here!!! The same thing happens to me. At first for a split second I know who I am but then the harm thoughts and false memories remind me “oh wait. No you’re actually this horrible, violent person.”

@Catlove9 Right?! Like, someone will call me beautiful and for a split second, it feels really nice and then I get a surge of panic and my mind goes "what if you didn't like that?" And then I end up ruminating over and over again! I don't want anything to do with male pronouns, compliments, etc. But it seems like I am also scared of my feminity and womanhood altogether because I am so scared of not feeling comfortable with it anymore!

@ctc1999 Yup. It’s a different theme. But same premise. Everyone tells me what a good person I am. And I believe it but then the thoughts make me feel otherwise.

@ctc1999 I guess themes really don’t matter. It’s all the same treatment

@Catlove9 Yess!!!! It's like deep down, you know you really so want to believe that you are the same person you were before the episode and you're wanting to stay hopeful to get that person back front and center. But I guess because we are going through so much obsessional doubt, our brains are finding literally anything to latch onto and making us feel as if we don't know who we are anymore.

@ctc1999 You hit the nail right on the head.

@Catlove9 It's so frustrating!! It's like... Can we just get back to our normal selves, brain?? Please and thank you. Do you ever feel like the reality of your past is morphing in a way that you know you didn't recollect being?

@ctc1999 Omg yes! I now question what my intentions were at different points in my past and then it’s like my thoughts now were my thoughts then, even though they weren’t?

@Catlove9 Right?! Our brains can come up with some really crazy things! Do you ever get uncomfortable or scared thinking about your past because your mind tells you that maybe you don't like it or like you might be lying?

@ctc1999 Omg all the time!!! It feels like I’ve had this disgusting past at times. And also at times, it feels like I wasn’t as fun or exciting as other people and it makes me feel like a loser LOL. I saw you comment on my chest pain post. Omg. My chest today. Of course I started worrying it was something serious. But then I calmed down but now because I don’t feel perfect, my harm thoughts are worse.

@Catlove9 Yes omg!!!! I always think about before this episode like "Did I ever really feel normal or is there something wrong with me?" And I just keep grieving over who I was before once I realize that I haven't worried about what I have been scared of in YEARS!! Yes!!! I get chest tightness a lot from anxiety and it will sometimes radiate to my gut which I always get scared of being my "intuition" but I know with OCD and Anxiety, you're not supposed to rely on that because our obsessional doubt can cloud all of that!

@ctc1999 What does your chest pain feel like?

@Catlove9 It's usually weighty and tight! It usually only lasts for a few seconds to a few minutes but it's there! I get this a lot when I am experiencing doubt, dread, depression, or anxiety!

@ctc1999 Mine has been constant for two days 😔

@Catlove9 Mine ebbs and flows!! Since this episode, I have been getting them more often but I would like to say that I think yours is also anxiety-induced!! Does your chest feel tender or sore when you touch your skin?

@ctc1999 Yup! When I press on it, it hurts.

@Catlove9 I don't want to sound absolute but from I know from asking my doctor about that a couple of years ago, she said that it's usually muscoskeletal (don't know if I spelled that right lol) pain caused by strain on the muscles! If you feel you are constantly tense from anxiety (which I am all the time lol) then many muscles will feel strain and/or tense!!

@ctc1999 Yah. I think at one point my doctor also said that if you can press on it, and it hurts, then it’s definitely musculoskeletal. I think I tense up so much without even realizing it.

@Catlove9 Yes!!! Me too!!!! I also get jaw pains and clicks a lot too because how often I clench my jaw! Even when I do realize it, it's like my body goes right back to clenching it because of how bad of a habit it is!!

@ctc1999 Same here. I clench and grind. I have to wear a mouth guard at night 😂

@Catlove9 I should probably get one of those, too lol!! 🤣🤣 I also have this habit of squeezing and rubbing my hands together A LOT when I am really anxious or worried!!

@ctc1999 Me too! Ugh because I’m not feeling 100%, my harm thoughts are so much worse today.

@Catlove9 Oh no, I'm sorry!! Do you have anything going on today that might be triggering you or giving you anticipatory anxiety??

@ctc1999 Yah. I have a holiday party 😔

@Catlove9 I started experiencing the anticipatory anxiety when I first got back to work so now it's ebbing and flowing much more now that my staycation is over!! If you don't mind me asking, when you are experiencing these intrusive thoughts, urges, etc, what compulsions do you find yourself doing when you're around other people?

@ctc1999 I ruminate a lot. Or I’ll leave a room. I get super super scared like I am now because it feels like I’m going to or want to do it. It’s agonizing.

@Catlove9 Literally same here!!! I will ruminate, thought stop, or constantly check how I'm feeling. These intense feelings urges get so bad around other people at times. I am so scared of lying about who I am in front of them that I will feel triggered pretty much the whole time while at the same time... We are fighting to get ourselves back to who we are, you know??

@ctc1999 That’s so true. And we want it so bad but the more we fight, the more it feels like it slips away. Does that make sense?

@Catlove9 Right!!! That's what I'm saying!! And I think a huge part of that is due to rumination (of course other compulsions too but rumination is definitely the hardest for the both of us)! Also, I don't know if you experience this as well but there are times where I won't have intrusive thoughts or where thoughts will follow after FEELINGS. And it makes things feel scarier to me that way, if that makes sense?

@ctc1999 Omg yes. All the time! I’ll get an odd feeling and then it’s like I need to search for a thought to match it. And then I get extra scared.

@Catlove9 Right?! Do you ever experience intrusive feelings or urges in your sleep/dreams??

@ctc1999 Yup! I think at this point I’ve had it all to be honest. It’s demoralizing. I was talking to my mom tonight about my false memories and she said “you know they didn’t happen because you know who you are and that you’re a good person.” But I started getting anxiety because I don’t know anymore. And it really made me sad.

@Catlove9 - Omg yes! I know people mean really well when they say things like that but at the same time,like they always say... Logic can not and will not satisfy OCD. We can tell ourselves that we know for sure that we are a certain way and be uncomfortable with anything different, but OCD will only use that as more fuel to create more doubt and uncertainty. I completely understand how you feel! I am in the same boat! It scares me not knowing if I know myself or not anymore!

@ctc1999 It’s terrifying. I don’t want to be a bad person.

@Catlove9 - Trust me, I completely understand the fear! I don't want to change/be different than how I have always felt about myself either! The fact that it scares you to ever think of yourself being a bad person definitely speaks volumes on your character. Most people who are truly bad either 1.) Don't question it and/or 2.) Feel scared of ever being bad to other people because they tend to lack empathy, compassion, etc. From what I can tell, you don't lack those qualities and your values tell you that you are good!

@ctc1999 Thank you. That means a lot. Of course my OCD will say “yah but what if?!?!!”

@Catlove9 - Oh yeah! I completely get that! I am going through very similar with my theme! I will reassure myself with something or tell myself that I know that I do not want to change my identity and my brain will be like "Ok but... What if?" And then send all of the urges and feelings!

@ctc1999 Did you at least have a good time Off?

@Catlove9 Oh yes!!!! It was very nice!!! I feel like a lot of those feelings and urges came back once I got to work because that's somewhere I feel the most triggered!

@ctc1999 That’s normal! But good for you for sticking to it. I have to work this week and then I’m off for 3 weeks. It’s going to be awesome. My chest pain is now also in my back so I think I really just need a break.

@Catlove9 - Thank you so much! <3 I do notice some improvements from going to work during the beginning of my episode and going to work now! But I know I am still stuck in many ways and am really, really scared of never feeling normal again. I think a big reason for that is because I am not really doing exposures in the way that I think that I am, or I get really scared when I don't experience much anxiety when doing an exposure and panic by thinking that it means I like it and start to ritualize again! OH YAYYYYYYY!!!! 3 weeks off?! That sounds awesome! Do you have plans already set for the time off or just going with the flow? Oh yeah!! Mine radiate to my back too at times! I also carry heavy things quite often at work too so that can also contribute to that!