POCD

CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE ANSWER When I was younger (like 17/18) I met a girl who went to the same school as me and lived in the same town. She was younger than me. (like 14). I was so stupid to talk to her and become friends with her. I thought she was cute and all. She also liked me (which was very wrong) and right now (a couple years later) I'm ruminating on it. I have the fear of becoming a pedophile and I'm so scared this means that I become one. I used to chat with her, and one time when I drank too much, I told her that she was pretty and stuff. I've so much guilt around it and I feel so freaking bad. Is it normal if I liked a girl around her age that time? I'm so scared because of this, I'll have to go to jail??! I NEVER intended on more than that, she was just cute and nothing more.

Yesterday I was watching a show and I thought the boy was cute and just randomly texted my cousins cuz we were watching the same show. I’m 23, & at first glance I barely paid attention but I thought he was at least 21, but my cousins replied with “he looks 18 you pervert” or “it’s looking bad for you”. I started freaking out immediately checked to his face properly again and he did look younger, & I felt so disgusted with myself. I felt terrible, instantly regretted everything & didn’t know what to do. I’ve been anxious since last night barely been able to sleep cuz I just complimented someone who is younger than me. My mind is now like ruminating that I’m a pedophile or pervert for thinking that. I hate this because I honestly wasn’t thinking of it in that type of sense like I would date him or something, I was not aware. I would’ve forgot about that moment after. I needed to get it off my chest cuz I have been feeling exhausted & terrible.

I posted about this yesterday but I’ve felt sick about it literally all day. I was talking to my friend about a tiktoker I said was hot. They said the person looked too young. I started freaking out because I never thought of that and ended up finding the person’s age. Turns out they are 17. I’m 24. I feel like a monster. My heart has been stuck in my throat for over 24 hours. I keep going back to look at the person’s profile to see if I still think they’re attractive after knowing their age and it’s confusing/scaring me even more because when they wear makeup I feel like they only look a few years younger than me. I had nightmares all night last night. I feel like I’m not a normal person, I’m like one of those people that hit on teens online. I feel so depressed. My gf thinks I’m being ridiculous for worrying so much about this. But I’m 24 YEARS OLD and this person is 17. What is wrong with me? How could I think something like this? I’m scared that what if I didn’t stop thinking they’re attractive. I just want to sleep and cry all day. I hate myself and I feel disgusting. I just don’t know what to do.