OCD & misunderstandings

I read so much on here and then wonder, if most things that bother me are OCD related, or if OCD sufferer's brains just function similarly and that's why we have so much in common. I often wake up and feel horribly alone and overwhelmed by me needing to function on my own. I never had that, when I wasn't alone, so it must be founded in realty a bit at least. But many people live alone and are managing fine, some even choose to live alone. I know I whined about it here before, but I woke up this morning and felt bad again, so I tried to go back to sleep again. As I have to start work soon, I needed to face waking up again and it feels so horrible, to not be able to talk to someone, to hear someone else's voice. I think I mostly write this to not feel that alone anymore... My "friends" told me, that I'll find someone, but honestly, dating while suffering from POCD and ZOCD and many other forms of OCD and anxiety, I feel like a price no one wants. As it went down hill with my ex, I didn't feel like his girl friend that has problems anymore, but as his problem. Sometimes I want to scream at "friends", family and ex partners - "You think I want this? You think I want to live like that? You can go, you can get rid of it by getting rid of me! But I can only get rid of it by getting rid of living! Why aren't you all kinder and more supportive? Why did all of you cut me out, or pretend I don't suffer from mental health issues? I'm more than OCD, I'm also a human being, that has feelings and wants to be loved!" It makes me feel bad and mean, but I want all of the people who mistreated me, because of my OCD to suffer from it for a few months. A full blown bad episode for all of them. I want them to feel it, I want them to understand. I want their annoyed and disrespectful looks turn into - Damn, I get it now, I proud of you for getting up and facing that for most of your life. Rant over. Sorry for ranting, but sometimes anger mixes with sadness and I don't know what to do with it.

I won’t lie; living off your baby-step progress is really hard. It’s not easy to achieve this in the first place, as it takes a lot of strength to do it. And knowing that these are just the most menial, basic things that a person does and are so difficult for you can be so hard at times. Life really does become quite small when you’re so consumed by this. Never mind the fact that you aren’t able to do the other tasks that need your attention and that your thoughts and mind are just rotting away.  Real-Event OCD has definitely been the worst of my subtypes, even though I’ve had a horrible and rough time with my other subtypes as well. They’re all really difficult to deal with, but I was able to bask in the support that I received as it wasn’t something that I sought for myself. I didn’t ask for it, but I had to deal with it, so it was definitely easier to receive support from others. But knowing with Real Event, it’s all my fault and mistake is something I find really hard to accept and move on from. The shame and guilt are overwhelming. Wishing you could change things that can no longer be changed is so painful. Like many of you, I struggle with the thought that this isn’t my OCD, and I’m using it as a coverup to move on, which has been really difficult to deal with. The certainty just isn't there. I definitely feel strongly that I’m unique in my situation, so I definitely deserve this. And no one can relate to this here since I'm the exception. But I still sit with it and try to move on, as I won’t know. I try to say maybe or maybe not to it. It’s not easy. It’s on my mind every day, and I feel miserable even if I don’t show it. But I know deep inside that I want to strive to be a better person every day and to be compassionate with others. So that I can live for myself and my loved ones and be a positive influence on society. Right now, I’m not able to help people or others in the ways that I want, since I’m not in a place where I’ve helped myself enough to be able to do that. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be able to reach that place since it feels so far away from me. But I will never know. All I have is my present. And while I'm not able to make huge, great changes out of it. It's enough that I exist in the now. So I want to tell all of you who are struggling and are having a hard time in recovery that it's okay. At times we won't have the greatest of moments, but it's okay since you exist and matter, and that's enough in that moment. You can pick yourself back up and carry on like you always do. These are all moments of power and strength that you radiate with. It's hard now, and maybe it won't be that way in the future, but be kind to yourself for pushing through and taking a break when you have to. Dealing with all of these things can be really exhausting, so just be kind to yourself, like you would be to others.

got into it with my mother last night because i’m young and “behind” in life (i.e., planned to graduate college two years ago but i developed OCD and it dragged me across the pavement). she told me that i need to “just stop f*cking overthinking and get my sh*t together,” because “it’s a privilege to have the time to sit around and wallow in self-loathing.” she said if i were in poverty i wouldn’t have that luxury, and i would “just let it go and move on” because i “wouldn’t have a choice.” luxury of what? being so paralyzed by crippling fear every day that i can’t remember what it’s like to live a normal life, because it’s been three years since i’ve had almost everything i love ripped away by this god awful disorder? please tell me i’m not crazy… i’m only two years “behind”… it just stabbed me so hard hearing her say that all i do is sit around and ruminate, that i need to “just move on,” as if that hadn’t occurred to me. i have tried to explain that 70% of my energy goes purely towards trying to STOP ruminating. i said if i loathed myself i wouldn’t get up every day with such boundless hope that some might call it insane, and make myself nice meals even though i don’t think i deserve them because i “already wasted a bunch of time yesterday,” and confront the mirror every time i enter the bathroom even though it makes my limbs cold, because i believe in a future where i love my body even though i’ve never experienced that a day in my life. it is not my fault that watching my favorite cartoons fills me with fear that makes my chest so tight i can barely breathe. i have never given up, and will never give up, and i continue to smile even though something broken inside me that i *can’t control* makes me so scared to be alive that most days, i lose my memories and forget who i am for at least a couple hours. sometimes it lasts for weeks or even months. all the while i’m just trying to graduate. yep, what a privilege.