- Username
- BigGyro09
- Date posted
- 41w ago
I'm really depressed
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck wishing I didn't do all of the things I did related to my addiction and I just feel awful about myself
I don't know what to do. I'm stuck wishing I didn't do all of the things I did related to my addiction and I just feel awful about myself
We can’t change the past but we can take action in the present for a better future! Don’t be hard on yourself for past actions (I know easier said than done). I been accepting with my past saying “I might of or might of not changed my choices. But for the time being let’s focus on something else”
That's what I tried to do today. Focus on something else and that things will somehow get better. I'm also trying to bring in small habits for other things like my sleep.
@BigGyro09 Yeah we can’t control the future but we can control the present and do things we like.
Addiction is an illness. We don’t say “wow, you’re such a horrible person for having cancer.” You can recognize that you made choices you’re not proud of, but have some grace for your past self who was struggling with illness.
There's times where I'm able to be compassionate about myself for dealing with this at such a young age but other times I just can't help but feel really sad about this and be upset that this happened at all. I don't think I'm upset that I did the things I did per say. Moreso upset that I was exposed to something like this and wish that I wasn't. But the bottom line is I'm struggling with this, though I never thought of it as an illness. Not saying you're wrong about that. Thank you.
Bad things just happen around drugs. The drugs are bad things in theirselves. Once you quit and time goes by you will realise how many things just weren’t normal but also as time goes by you will come to terms with that and move on.
It's hard for me to just quit because it doesn't take away the thoughts, urges, triggers, and experiences that I've had from all of this. I don't know how to remove all of those things or at the very least, change my perspective on them.
Your life matters a lot and you changed mine in a certain way. I came here in 2021 and it was really bad. You were the first person to talk to me and help me. I don't think you remember this but I remember! That conversation changed the course of my life and I'm grateful to you! You are a good person who has gone through things you regret like everyone else in the world. You helped me (a girl who lives in another country, with another language and a different culture) so imagine how many others you have helped!? That's why I say your life is important!
Your name looks a little bit familiar. Do you remember what it is we talked about? I'm really glad I helped you with what you were struggling with all those years ago. I've been here since 2020 and I definitely agree on a lot of things changing for us. It's nice seeing you again! Thanks for talking with me again.
@BigGyro09 We talked about the moment I was going through. I had a dream that triggered my POCD and you helped me!
@Lizzie Scheav I'm glad I was able to help you! I'm assuming your POCD has greatly diminished and you've been doing a lot better! It makes me happy to know that I've helped someone with this. :)
@BigGyro09 Yes, it comes in waves I think. But you helped a lot 🤗
I can't enjoy anything today because I'm not only stuck in the past with things I wish didn't happen to me and that I'm having trouble being kind to myself in general. Porn destroyed my teenage years and it's affecting my young adult years now. I look back on everything and just think I'm disgusting for it. Some days like these I just can't shake the guilt or the shame. They just hit me full force.
It's so hard to improve my self esteem. My thoughts are always focused on the things I don't do right. The things that makes me ashamed of myself my addictions. The things I don't do right. Not believing I should be in a relationship, etc. This is really hard. I often just keep myself in this circle of being hard on myself or just not giving myself the same grace as other people because of bad actions in the past.
I was exposed to pornography at a young age and it messed me up pretty badly. I don't even know how it really happened, I just do happened to find it one day. I didn't realize all of the damage it was doing to me and my life until I became an adult. It's still bothering me a lot and there were still moments where I couldn't stop my behaviors even if I wanted to. I've hurt myself because of my sex addiction and I've been trying to stop doing this to myself for a long time now. There are some harm related issues the I still see and remember and it makes me really upset. I just ended up tearing up because I just wish this didn't have to happen. I just wish I didn't get so hooked on this. I just wish someone could have told me what I was getting into at that age. I'm always anxious, worried about my health, and concerned about my addiction and if it will ever go away. I just want to go back to a time where I didn't have to worry about this along with OCD. This is why I feel like my adult life isn't going too well: It's always because of these problems that I've been dealing with for years. Recently, I've been able to stop because I didn't want my sleep and anxiety to be affected, but they still bother me in the form of thoughts and mess me up. I just regret so many things that I can remember. The things I've watched, the things I've done to myself, the things I've done to other people. I try to tell myself that I should just be kind to myself and do my best to move past this. It can work but there are days like this where I just can't shake the pain. I just know now that I didn't deserve that and that I deserved better. Same goes for everyone that goes through this too. I just long for how things used to be because I'm not exactly happy with how things are now. I want to just accept that I didn't know better and I was curious and did my best to just get through the times, but there are days where I just can't. I guess it's because all of this stuff still exists in my life today. I just want to find a way to beat it. I envision the life I want for myself and it's not this. It's not holding myself back to this addiction and it's definitely not treating myself in a way that says I don't deserve that. I guess what hurts me so much about this is that I never thought I would have this kind of problem in my life. I thought I was understanding to not be so caught up in problematic fields like this. Pornography, relationships, and sex overall was never something I was really talked to about. It just seemed like stuff I figured out the best I could at the time. I don't think I really have relationships figured out still because I just don't have experience with it all.
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