Ashamed (21+ VERY ADULT CONTENT)

This is all probably tmi, but I’m struggling quite a bit so please bear with me. I recently cut back/quit watching mainstream porn, but the other day I was searching for a certain scene from the movie “X” to use as a… replacement. (Mia Goth is one of my biggest celebrity crushes, and I was just trying to explore alternatives to traditional porn 🤦‍♀️) While looking for this, I stumbled upon an explicit scene of hers from the movie “Nymphomaniac” that I used instead. I’ve never seen this movie, so I was incredibly disgusted when I found out afterward that she was 18/19 when filming this movie and that her character in the movie is SUPPOSED TO BE 15. I’m 24, so needless to say, I was a bit horrified. I had no idea she was so young in this (or that the character she played was underage), and I feel sick that I used this to pleasure myself. None of this crossed my mind beforehand considering it was a pretty explicit scene in a mainstream film. I assumed she was around my age. Even though she was technically an adult while filming this, she was still far to young for me personally and I feel deeply ashamed. This event has triggered memories from the ages 18-22 (I worry even 23) where I would search the “teen” category (18-19) on porn websites. I feel disgusting for looking at this stuff once I got out of my teen years, and even though I stopped, I feel dirty and predatory for doing this in my early 20s. Before I took a hiatus from watching this content this year, I would only watch things where I could tell the actors were my age or older. But the past is haunting me. And I just feel so gross. I should have stuck with the scene from the movie I was searching for (because she was 28/29 in that and I KNEW that), or I shouldn’t have watched anything at all. Hell, typing this out is starting to make me obsess over whether I’m disgusting or not for doing this to something that wasn’t really intended to be “porn”. I feel like I’ve violated this actress by using this film for something it wasn’t really intended for. I know I should quit all of this entirely, but my medication makes it incredibly difficult to “perform”, and imagination alone just doesn’t work for me. I’m just so frustrated and everything I do makes me hate myself more. I’m sorry for the graphic nature of this post. I was just wondering if anyone could relate or give me some advice.

Username: wildelogan1wildelogan1

Date posted: 41w ago

I think it’s easy to look back after an event with hindsight bias and get mad at yourself for something you did with the information you have now. I’m sorry this has caused alot of distress in you, maybe just start by avoiding searching categories that might trigger any lashing in. You’re already taking a great step by asking for suggestions!

Username: Cats in the darkCats in the ...

Date posted: 41w ago

This sounds like pocd. Dont avoid your triggers. You're doing good!

Username: LoriGarner12LoriGarner12

Date posted: 40w ago

hey, it sounds like you're going through a really rough time, and it's brave of you to reach out and share what you're dealing with. 🤍 it's important to remember that recognizing and wanting to change a behavior is a huge step in the right direction, so give yourself some credit for that. i'm dealing with a different ocd theme, but i totally get how overwhelming and isolating it can feel. something that's been a game-changer for me is this app called "unstuck ocd therapy tools." my local ocd support group recommended it, and it's been super helpful. it provides ai-personalized guidance and exercises right when you need them. also, i've found the ocd stories podcast really insightful; it's full of experiences and advice that might resonate with you and help you feel less alone in this.

Username: BigGyro09BigGyro09

Date posted: 40w ago

Hi. I have a huge problem with porn myself and it's caused a lot of stress, depression, and disturbance in my life and it's still doing so to this day. I'm really hurt by the experiences that I put myself through and it's just so hard to not judge myself for it. I remember the really bad things I've seen when I was much younger and I remember some awful things I've seen when I was 18. It really really sucks when you either don't know the age of someone in a video or you think they're an adult when they're not, whether fictional or real. I hate that so much. I also hate finding stuff that clearly involves underaged fictional characters when I'm not looking for that whatsoever. I'll be looking for a character that I know is an adult, but then I would see someone who isn't in other search results. I can't stand it. I just can't stand what porn is going to people on here and what it did to me as well. I hope you've been able to come away from the distress of all of this at some point. It's really hard to think about with so much anxiety. I'm sorry

Username: sunshineandr...

Date posted: 1y ago

Internet not being regulated as a teen

Just a heads up this is a little NSFW So I’ve had POCD for a hot minute, since I was 18. When I was 15-17 I can’t remember the age could have been 14 I don’t know. I went on Wattpad and would look for like smutty pictures. I remember I kept going back to this one book because it had a lot of chapters and images. It had a lot of dipper from gravity falls and even one with him and that triangle dude. I feel gross because I kept going back. I do know I didn’t like that it was that character I just liked the fact the images were sexual in nature but as I type this I don’t even know if I liked them but kept looking out of curiosity? I think I’m replaying the memory too much. I don’t wanna ask for reassurance because I know it’ll only add temporary relief but I needed to get this off my chest because I feel like a terrible person. I’ve also seen the Simpsons like all characters that was disturbing. Basically it’s under rule 34 (if it exists there’s p0rn of it) but I was a horny teen/kid on the unregulated internet and I sometimes wish I never had a phone when I was younger. Anyway I feel like a terrible person and just wanna know if I’m a creep or not…

Username: BigGyro09

Date posted: 32w ago

Past experiences keeps messing with me 18+

This is about pornography addiction. Back when I was still greatly suffering through it, I remember watching videos I shouldn't have when I was a lot younger. It genuinely did have an effect on my well being and it made me act out in ways no kid should. No kid should be exposed to these things for that matter. I keep focusing on this one time where I made a taboo search about all something and it had the word "lil" in it. After I did this I just started crying badly because of how much of a problem this was for me but now I'm getting thoughts that are saying I did this because I wanted to see kids and that's really scary because I don't want to do that. I really don't want to believe that and I would not want to do that to myself. I didn't see anything inappropriate when that happened from what I remember but I just want stop thinking about these two sides of the event. I think I was around 18 at the time. Something like this also happened when I saw this really disgusting playlist on YouTube that had children in it and creeps saving videos. I couldn't believe it to be true so morbid curiosity came in and when I went through them they were very real and it was very disgusting. I remember freaking out about this so much and I couldn't calm down for that night. It was terrible. I hated that so much. What really scares me about that is before I found this I was watching videos that were fine but just when everything was coming to an end that playlist came up in the midst of it and it made me feel absolutely disgusting. I just hate how much porn messed up my life and I wish I could take it all back. I still get haunting memories of it every single day one way or the other and I'm never at peace with it fully. It always messes with my mind and I can't let it go because of uncertainty. I also hate that through my addiction, I've seen very questionable content without even trying to look for it, which I can't stand. I hate that shit so much. I make specific searches that I find reasonable but even still bad things show up regardless. I just feel disgusting about this completely and it's one of several things that has always kept my self esteem very low. I don't know what to do.

Username: ocdnoononi

Date posted: 30w ago

Deeply sickened

18+ I’m afraid that at some point I might’ve watched something illegal while I had a bad porn addiction as a teen- I’m not sure and that’s what haunts me. How could any of us know? How could we know the people in this porn are the age they say they are?! Why does this make me even more consumed with doom. I think rather dark stuff after that, concerning stuff for my well being cause I literally spiral so hard I feel as if I’m losing touch with reality. My panic attacks, my depression- all spurred on and taunted by a “what if” Do normal people genuinely not think about this? Do normal people keep moving forward knowing that’s a possible risk? If so then what? What if your eyes saw that? How would you even keep living? Or wanting to.

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Ashamed (21+ VERY ADULT CONTENT)

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