Hi everyone, I’ve been meaning to write this for some time now, but kept looking for the “right time”. I suffer from relationship OCD (ROCD). I met my current partner about 3 years ago. We immediately had a connection and there was something different about him compared to my prior relationships. However, I didn’t feel the butterflies. I didn’t feel like I was on top of the world. And that’s when it started: ROCD. From as early as our second date, I remember thinking “am I attracted to him?” “Am I just with him cuz he meets all the criteria?” “Do I even like him”. A few intrusive thoughts turned into constant rumination, crippling anxiety and most importantly, fear. I constantly obsessed about whether he was the one, whether I really liked him, etc. I lost my appetite. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all the time. I started going to talk therapy where I would feel some relief after my session which was followed by an even stronger wave of anxiety. I would seek reassurance from friend after friend, my mom, my brother. In fact, I even had a hierarchy in my head of which person I went to for reassurance based on the level of anxiety I was feeling. I contemplated breaking up numerous times. My therapist once told me “why don’t you just take a break from the relationship?” And I nearly passed out from the panic and anxiety (this therapist was evidently not OCD trained and never thought it was odd that for 6 months straight the only thing I ever talked about was my relationship and the “rightness” of it). I compulsively googled things like “how to know if someone is the one”. I even started taking medication. I truly had no idea what was going on. Mind you, I am a doctor, board certified in internal medicine. And I did everything I could to diagnose myself, but I was clearly unsuccessful. My MD was of no help.
Then, I opened up to a friend of mine who suffers from OCD (a different theme) herself, and she put it together. She told me to stop compulsively googling all the things I already had been, but to google ROCD. Once I started, I couldn’t stop. I felt a huge sense of relief. I was not crazy and most impotently, I wasn’t alone. I signed up for a therapist with NOCD. I started therapy with an OCD trained therapist (Taylor Newendorp, he’s amazing btw). I practiced ERP diligently. Did I have days when I fell back in the traps of ROCD? Heck yeah. At first I did ERP via intentional exercises I was given by my therapist. However, the most effective and HARDEST ERP is doing it with real life situations. You can write out scenarios and sit with the anxiety it causes all you want, but the true moments of ERP are when you are faced with a real life scenario and you feel that jolt of anxiety. For example, I had been doing intentional ERP exercises for several weeks and making progress. One day, when my partner and I were just watching TV, a character on the show we were watching said “true love just clicks. It doesn’t feel complicated or scary”. I immediately felt like I was going to throw up. I felt 10/10 anxiety and that I had to break up right then. I remember thinking that I had been working so hard then why do I still feel this anxiety? But in that moment, I took a step back and said to myself “yup. Maybe that’s true. Maybe not. Maybe I’m in not in love. Maybe I am” and then I continued watching the show. The anxiety stayed for a long, long time. But I did everything in my power to not give in and talk about it as I always did with my partner. Or start ruminating. I let it sit there and I let myself feel the anxiety. It sucked, ALOT. But over time as I did that over and over and over again with every real life situation, I got better at it. I got better at leaving the thought alone. I got better at not seeking reassurance, ruminating, googling, confessing, checking, comparing.
Fast forward three years, I just got married 2 weeks ago to the same guy! The guy who I was convinced wasn’t the one. Did I ever “figure out” the answer to whether he WAS the one? Nope. And I’ll probably never know because there is literally no way to know that for sure. Did I get my answers to all the other million intrusive thoughts? Nope. Do I still have days with those thoughts? Yep, but they don’t bother me as much. Learning to manage my ROCD has been the most difficult thing I’ve done in my life and this is coming from someone who went to medical school and pronounces people dead very frequently. But I’m here to tell you that you can get through it. It is hard as hell, but it’s doable. I promise you that I felt every emotion, physical sensation and had every thought you may have had. But you can do it. I really didn’t think I would ever get out of it, but I did. And I’m so proud of myself for it. I will never know if my husband is “the one” based on some unknown number of factors, but he is the one that I choose for me. Today, our relationship is much stronger and deeper than it would have been had we not dealt with ROCD together. This experience has been so difficult, but ultimately I’m grateful for it as it has opened me up to a love I didn’t know could exist.
To anyone who may need help/support, feel free to message me. I am in no way a therapist and cannot provide what those employed by NOCD do, but can definitely provide support and compassion. You are not alone. Please get help from a trained OCD specialist. OCD does not have to be a life sentence.
