Emotional Contamination

contamination ocd has really been messing with me the last couple of days. usually i only struggle when i can connect something to possibly throwing up, but this time it doesn’t matter. so earlier, i took a shower and i also use a wash cloth to wash my body. after i showered i cleaned up my dirty clothes and towels. then when i came back to grab my phone, there was a soap speck on my phone so without thinking i just wiped it on the back of my crewneck i was wearing. well that then spiraled into me thinking what if the soap was from my dirty wash cloth. i know most of you are probably thinking it’s clean since you use soap to clean ur body. well i clean every inch of my body, including my bottom so that’s where my anxiety is gravitating towards. this sounds so ridiculous saying it out loud, but i just have so much anxiety over it. i tried my hardest not to change but i did. at first i just changed my crewneck, but then i had to change my shorts cause my crewneck touches my shorts. but then i changed my shorts. and now i feel like my shirt is contaminated cause i was wearing it with my other shorts before changing. moral of the story, i just have so much anxiety over it and i feel like i shouldn’t because it’s really not a big deal. and i don’t want to change again because that seems ridiculous to me. plus now i’m connecting the contamination to my bed since i was laying on my bed before i changed. i hate life, this sucks.

I am not sure if this is something that’s specific to ocd, but the ocd definitely has something to do with it if it’s not an ocd thing. Every emotion I feel (more specifically sadness, disappointment, etc.) feels like it’s amplified by 100000x. Any little thought that even makes me slightly let down literally makes me feel so upset to where I just want to lay in bed all day because I’m so bummed out. Here’s a recent example of this. This sounds so stupid I know but I recently went to a concert for a band that I have a lot of nostalgia tied to. I knew I would have a good time at the concert but i literally was in awe the entire time by all the emotion i felt and how good the concert, singing, performance and everything was. They even came so close to us and were singing there for about 20 minutes like within 20 feet of me (and I’m pretty sure one of them saw me but i might be delusional). in the moment i was literally just thinking like wow in this moment were here together like they could be anywhere in the world right now and here they are within 20 feet of my face. The point is I haven’t been able to stop with this hyper fixation on them and I can’t even look at my concert videos and looking at other peoples makes me so jealous and sad for some reason yet I can’t stop watching videos of them because it’s makes me so sad/so happy at the same time. I know people might say this is just post concert depression but this has gone way beyond that but this is typical for me to feel it this deeply like sick to my stomach. that’s a common thing for me where my hyper fixations sometimes make me sad where I just don’t wanna do anything except lay down and stare at the wall. this is very hard to explain and I hope it makes sense. This also could be a part of my depression but I’m not sure. Anyways please respond if you relate/have answers and sorry this is so long and wordy!💓

My mom is visiting me and we have been sharing my studio apartment for about 10 days. I was already struggling with this because I have a hard time sharing my space with people—I like things to be clean and orderly and I hate not having total control over these things. She got sick with what we thought was a cold and I was getting very stressed/irritated with her coughing and sneezing in the apartment, even though I obviously know that it’s not her fault. Her illness got progressively worse (probably the flu), so she decided to get a hotel for her last night. I am alone in my apartment, which I am grateful for, and I cleaned everything down with Lysol, but I still feel as though my apartment is contaminated and I just feel grossed out and stressed. I felt fine earlier before I realized it is most likely the flu, but now I am starting to feel congested and I can’t tell whether it is real or just my paranoia