On Satuday afternoon, I noticed bruises all over my legs and a weak feeling and although I was obsessing that I was going to die, I still went to the hospital. When they checked my blood, they found out that my platelets were very low. (Platelets are in charge of blood clotting and also its one of the three things made in bone marrow with White Blood Cells and Red Blood Cells being the other two). Luckily RBC and WBC count were of normal range. After staying for two days and being on edge the whole time thinking I was going to hear I was going to die, I was released (since they saw my platelets were going up and the rest of lab results were good except some things relating to iron). I still have a follow up appointment with the Hematologist to discuss the results and I am terrified. I have gotten all sorts of reassurances from two doctors, nurses, my mother in law who is a nurse, and literally everyone else but I am having this dreadful feeling that this is a sign I am going to die that my time is up. The most likely scenario I think was that my platelets went down with a combination of vitamin deficiencies (iron) and another combination like infection. But I went to the hospital the next day after my release because I felt weak again and panicking and they did my blood work and everything came up good (Finding out my platelets are continuing to go up). However, my OCD says if I think I am ok then it is not going to be ok so I need to be stuck in this loop of torture. Like what if I have something and I will never find out, what if I have something and find it too late?
I have been crying non stop since Saturday evening, my head feels like a bowling ball which makes me think "oh maybe its a brain tumor." I google low platelets and one of the things of the list is Leukemia which I was already tested for Leukocytes and it was normal range but that was not enough because I googled nonstop and it said that they also do a bone marrow test to see for sure Leukemia and that freaked me out because I did not do that test. Then my thoughts changed to "my lymph node is swollen and now I have Lymphatic cancer" and it causes me to touch all parts of my body (even though I was tested for Lymphocytes on blood test and it was fine but again continued googling). Because of the bruising, I have trauma and I can't look at my own skin. I am afraid something new might come up. Now, its "oh I have a brain tumor because I am not feeling like myself, sometimes I stumble on my words, and my head feels congested and pressured. In fact ever since I had COVID, my head congestion never really went away so thats a sign. Actually anyone else has that?
I remember my mom told me once that I was given an MRI when I was 8ish 9 for something in my brain and she said I had something and God healed it. Now, I am freaking out and thinking "this is it" I feel weak because I had it this whole time and it has grown and I am going to die. My mom - who has a chronic and untreated paranoid schizophrenia, would always tells me growing up that God was going to kill me and I was going to die young. I have been having panic attacks, crying almost every 30 minutes since Saturday, my head is more congested than ever.
This past month was the hardest month of my life. Two of my loved ones passed away. I had a scare with my daughter because two weeks ago, my daughter had a fever that came and went away and then a day later it went back and I freaked out, had a panic attack and took her to the only hospital in the middle of the night and thinking she was going to die, turns out she had an ear infection. A day later I had ear pain and I went to the doctor but they didn't find an infection and that freaked me out. Ear still hurts now from time to time but not as frequent. And now I am obsesssing and saying "well I was right about going in on Saturday for my bruises, what makes this time not be right for me to have cancer or something deadly" or "my mom was right, I am going to die young and I will never see my daughter grow or grow old with my husband - that is the most terrifying part.
To make matters worse two weeks ago, I changed my prescription from 75mg - 50mg, and now two weeks later (because I had extreme mom guilt on breastfeeding Kaia while taking medication). And the nurse practicioner told me that he doesn't usually do babies because most of the people he treats are older people and because moms choose to not take medication because they don't want to harm their babies. I feel like I am going insane. I have been shaking, losing hunger, not eating, having panic attacks almost hourly, lost 10+ pounds in a matter of four weeks (which I never know whether it is me about to die or a combination of chronic anxiety and OCD or all of it together). I am scared, I am in a constant state of over analyzing on what goes on inside my body. Every little discomfort, pain, itch, or anything else, I am googling and thinking this is my time. I am scared of eating because I am afraid of throwing up and that it is a sign that I am going to die. I am scared of sleeping because what if I never wake up again.
If you took the time of your day to read this - I know it was long - but thank you, seriously thank you.
